The Chronicles Is on Holiday Break!

Readers, enjoys your holidays (Chip: "And keep the Christ in Christmas, you Larryville liberals!).

We'll see you in the new year!

A Heartwarming Story of Hipster Protest!

With the KC Chiefs' experiencing a TV "blackout" today for the first time since December 16, 1990, the boys are having a hard time figuring out what to do without their usual Sunday tradition of watching the Chiefs find new ways to lose (Chip: "They have taught us so much about failure.").

But let us look instead at a more hopeful story, a tale of lady hipsters banding together in a topless "Freedom Ride" to oppose the removal of a bike path in a Jewish neighborhood of Williamsburg, Brooklyn:

"The hipster cyclists blame Mayor Michael Bloomberg for the loss of the lane because Williamsburg's Hasidic Jewish residents "can't handle scantily clad women" on wheels, said bike messenger Heather Loop, who organized the action." (interweb).

Sadly, this weekend's blizzard kept the event from proceeding exactly as planned, with the cold weather forcing the hipster women to wear plastic sets of titties over their clothes to prevent frostbite. Presumably, most of the neighborhood's Hasidic residents were smart enough to stay indoors during the storm, and probably had no idea the event actually occurred.

Chip: "If they truly care about their cause they should be willing to run the risk of a few frozen nipples."

Here's a photo and story regarding their previous rally (click to enlarge):

Hipster Holiday Pick of the Weekend!

Do hipsters celebrate the holidays? Sure they do. They celebrate by hosting very hip events at their favorite bars, such as tonight's Chomp Womp Rock and Roll Circus and potluck dinner at the Jackpot, featuring bands from the local collective known as Chomp Womp, such as Baby Birds Don't Drink Milk, Boo and Boo Too, Bandit Teeth, and Rooftop Vigilantes.

Do you dare eat a dish cooked by the Vigilantes?

Boo and Boo Too's Drew Gibson explains his approach to music on www.thetripwire.com:

"I’ve never had the attention span to learn an instrument That’s why I use a lot of alternative tunings so I don’t have to learn to play guitar correctly. I use effects and things to either cover up my mistakes or amplify them; whatever sounds cool to me.”

The Tripwire's extensive piece on the bands contains a multitude of fascinating photos you should peruse:

http://www.thetripwire.com/blog/2008/11/30/on-the-cover-notes-from-middle-america-chomp-womp/

We'll leave you with two of them (click to enlarge).

This is Baby Birds in a bathtub:















And this is DJ Norrit:

The Boys Box-Office Report: Avatar! / Plus, Hipster Photo of the Weekend!

Readers, we don't have much time to spare today because, like all true film-lovers, we are currently in line to watch a $500 million (?), three hour, 3D, environmentalist action picture full of Amazonian blue creatures called Na'vi's.

Yes, fanboy excitement (and skepticism) has been at fever-pitch for months, but what do the geeks think now that it's finally "fucking their eyeballs?" (a phrase they've been using throughout the year).

Let's turn to geek-central, AICN, for answers:

antonphd says: "I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't love the fuck out of this film. Honestly. They have fallen from grace as film watchers. They have become too wise for their own good. When you can't love a film like this... you have lost touch with your humanity. You are a poor lost soul. I'm completely serious. This movie is all heart and strength and love and beauty and awe and grace and mercy and triumph and if you can['t] connect with it then you have [become] a fucker. Plain and simple. And I feel sorry for you. You are really missing out on life. Not because you missed out on loving this film, but because if you can't love this film then you simply have a problem with loving anything."

kinetickoala says: "Just saw it. And it was fantastic. By the way, unobtanium is a real scientific term. I'm tired of saying this a trillion times. And your criticism of the dragons is idiotic...you came in with a set idea that they would be stupid. No wonder thats what you wound up thinking. Lastly: The Na'Vi that Saldana played looked exactly like her, so I don't know what you're talking about when you say only the avatars look like their real life human counterparts."

And, finally, Mariusz says: "I'm not impressed. This is the equivalent of the much anticipated Guns N' Roses album: Chinese Democracy. In closing, what a pair of limp dicks."

See you at the multiplex. And in the meantime, enjoy the following picture from A. Rusc.n's recent photo-shoot at the Cursive concert. This guy is so hip he can't even choose between PBR and Miller High-Life ("the champagne of beers"): he must have them both at all times.

The Boys Consider the New Look of Lawrence.com / Also, Bellydancing!

Just when local hipsters were finally adjusting to the recent changes in their beloved guide to local culture, the "homies" of Lawrence.com (as they consistently term themselves, in a baffling and possibly racist manner) have changed the look of their site yet again, incorporating some sort of high-tech bar of images at the top that lets you scroll through the most important hipster stories.

What do the readers think? Let's look at their comments:

bd eek, the mysterious local graffiti artist who never appears in public, writes: I have came, I have looked and now I leave feeling very underwhelmed.

artstew (obvious lover of sentence fragments) says: "If you fixed your calendar system so events did not repeat into infinity even if they have ended. Where you could download them into iCal (or Google Calendar, etc.) with all of information attached (like the name and address of the event location ... hint, hint). Then I think your site would still have some redeeming qualities.

And, finally, Keith writes, "Just think of it as 'Go' for the thirtysomethings."

---

Like it or not, however, surely we can all agree that the site's profile today of local bellydancers is top-notch.

In this piece, we learn that Amber Proct.r, Larryville's sexiest belly-dancer (pictured below), has now started her own company called Chainsaw Shimmy Productions, which is currently "performing more provocative tribal-fusion dance at nightspots like Wilde’s Chateau 24 and The Jazzhaus."

Amber explains that, "Belly dance is probably the oldest form of dance in the world, and I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it was used to teach girls a little something about sex."

Chip: "Watching it has taught me many things about sex."

Amber's company performs at the Jazzhaus tonight. See you there.

The LC's Science Corner! / And a Visit to "Anna Undercover's" Stripper Blog!

Now that our good friend Dr. C's "Stately Pleasure Domes" blog is defunct, the boys' have lost a great source for fascinating scientific facts (not to mention occasional pictures of titties).

Major news out of the world of science yesterday, however, simply can't be ignored, so we'll cover it ourselves.

It seems that an octopus has been spotted carrying coconut shells which are then used to construct a shelter, offering us "the first evidence of tool use in an invertebrate animal" (interweb; picture below of octopus hiding in shell).

Chip: "So far the media is ignoring the terrifying side of this discovery, which is that these fuckers might continue to evolve until they come right up out of the ocean and use their many tentacles to enslave us and take our jobs and steal our wives."















---

The boys love "Anna Undercover's" local stripper blog, but local conservatives continue to take her to task in her talkbacks section due to her "immoral" lifestyle.

In the comments-section of her most recent post, "Pogo" writes:

"Dirty words from dirty minds; written in a toilet town

stripping is a Grade D- job in the entertainment industry; it's like being in a “rock band”, which is also most typically Grade D- entertainment from the Peter Pan set.

This strumpet might want to get over herself. It's going to catch up with her anyway….one way or the other….."



"Anna" herself is prone to appearing in the comments section to offer rebuttals, and she gives as good as she gets (which sounds delightfully dirty).

At one point she claims that she loves intelligent "disses" of her chosen profession:

"If a truly exceptional person wields words written or spoken with the sensitivity and dexterity of a genius, they can never dis me enough!

When I am lucky enough to meet such a person, I quietly pull them close to me, secretly hoping they will delight me with some bitingly clever 'abuse.'...

...More satisfying than any physical climax, I quietly crave these 'disses' more than anything else in the world."


Richard: "Wow, this chick is kinkier than I thought, and I'd love to 'diss' her while getting a lapdance.'"

Chip: "Her use of the word 'climax' gave me a boner."

Check out the full talkback and Anna's discussion of her upcoming trip to Paris here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2009/dec/14/im-going-to-paris-and-heres-whos-coming-with-me/

The Boys Consider Larryville's Possible New "Diesel/Electric Hybrid" Buses! / Also, The Boys' Read This Year's Award-Winner for "Bad Sex In Fiction!"

Larryville's city fathers are expected to consider the possibility of adding three new "diesel/electric hybrids" to the city's bus fleet at tonight's meeting. The buses cost $600,000 each.

Are the boys excited?

Chip: "No, but this may actually increase the T's ridership. Local progressives might be willing to get on board if they can be further convinced they're saving the environment."

Richard: "But will they feel that saving the environment is worth sitting next to a smelly homeless person for a half-hour or so? This seems doubtful.


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The boys, of course, are huge fans of intellectual, contemporary literature and they always feel like it's a nice treat when serious literary works include a sex scene or two (Chip: "I've probably beat off to Updike and Roth as many times over the years as I have to Hustler.").

Each year, the boys pay particular attention to the "Bad Sex in Literature" award, handed out to a "serious" writer whose sex scenes may not measure up to the standard of the rest of their work. This year's award has been given to Jonathan Littel's The Kindly Ones, a behemoth of a WWII novel that also checks in at #10 on Time's Best Books of the Year list.

Here's one of the excerpts that earned Littel the distinction:

"Her vulva was opposite my face. The small lips protruded slightly from the pale, domed flesh. This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head, like a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. Little by little this silent gaze penetrated me to the marrow. My breath sped up and I stretched out my hand to hide it: I no longer saw it, but it still saw me and stripped me bare (whereas I was already naked). If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert, I seemed turned to stone."

Richard: "I like the part where he reminds us that he's naked."

Chip: "I've never found 'vulva' to be a particularly erotic word, but I'll admit that this still gave me a boner, bad or not."

The Boys Consider Time Magazine's Best Album of the Year (Which They Use As An Excuse For the Return of "Country Corner!")

Are you fucking with us, Time Magazine? Do you really think that country superstar Brad Paisley's American Saturday Night is the best album of the year? (clocking in ahead of Dirty Projectors' Bitte Orca-- #2--and Grizzly Bear's Veckatimest--#8).

Let's take a look at Time's justification:

"The real risk-taking emerges in his songs about women, which, like the brilliant "The Pants," manage to be funny, sexy, and sensitive."

The song in question explores the patriarchal notion of "wearing the pants" in the family, with the narrator chiding someone for his old-school, macho mentality :

"You wear the pants
Buddy good for you
I'm so impressed
Yeah, whoopty-doo"

Time singles out the following lines in particular as an example of Paisley's excellence, so perhaps we'll give them the old "Country Corner" treatment today for your amusement:

"In the top drawer, of her dresser, there's some panties
Go try on that purple pair, with lace and frills
With your big old thighs, I bet you can't get in 'em
With that attitude of yours, hell, I bet you never will"

Richard: "What seems at first like a playful, comical suggestion--a macho man trying on frilly panties which ends with a clever double meaning about how (a) the man literally can't fit in the panties and (b) his attitude prevents him from banging the woman in question--is actually a bold challenge to Paisley's heterosexual male fans to embrace their more feminine side. This song may actually help prevent domestic abuse, as well as create a few white-trash cross-dressers."

Chip: "First off, any song that uses the word 'panties' immediately gives me a boner, so it's got that going for it. Second, I agree completely with your assessment. However, the song becomes more problematic as it progresses, and ends up reinforcing the kind of static gender roles it first seems to question. Look at these lines:

"A big old boy like you can probably bench 350
A little thing like her can barely lift the bar
Just wait 'til that woman has a headache
And she sits there with her legs crossed
Well, we'll see how strong you are"

Ultimately, females are viewed here as tiny, pretty things whose only weapon is sexual power. Sure, that's most often true, at least in Larryville, but there are a lot of 'big old boys' out there who actually enjoy banging large, unattractive women, and these kinds of relationships don't get fully explored here. Also, the title of this song is outrageously boring. Why couldn't it be called, at the very least, 'The Panties Song," or, even better, 'Pussy Whipped.'"

This Week in Local Crime: A Mass. Street Gun Battle / Plus, KU Gets a New Coach

After Saturday night's DJ set at the Granada, the club's officials apparently pushed a fight out of the venue and onto Mass. Street, where a series of shots were fired, followed by a later series of shots (possibly fired by police officers?). In the melee, a 19 year-old was shot (non life-threatening), a police officer was "battered," and a couple of cars were filled with bullet holes. Instead of dispersing, crowds reportedly hid behind various "barriers" along the street and enjoyed the show.

Richard: "Sad. It seems like only a few weeks ago when we were settling our feuds the old-fashioned way, like gentlemen: with cue balls wrapped in Crown Royal bags."

Chip: "This is why I NEVER park downtown."

Here's a link to a video where you can hear shots being fired and people screaming "motherfucker."

http://www2.ljworld.com/videos/2009/dec/13/28005/


---

After nine suspenseful days, KU has a new football coach: Buffalo's Turner Gill.

Presumably, we're all prepared to support him 100%, right?

Let's check in with the LJ-World talkbackers:

Uhlrick_Hetfield_III (Anonymous) says… "Why would you pick a flash in the pan coach with a losing record when you have a consistent winner in a hot conference ready to coach here? Perkins, you're an idiot."

Richard Reviews a Concert! / Also: The Return of "Is It Art, Or Isn't It?"

Readers, there was not a hipster in sight at last night's performance by the Dave Rawlings Machine at the Granada (voted #1 music venue in this week's "Top of the Hill" awards). The audience consisted of: (a) old folks out way past their bedtimes, (b) tall, lonely-looking music geeks obsessed by the sound of Rawlings 1935 Epiphone Olympic archtop guitar, and (c) a few stray hippies who were more interested in Rawlings' backing band (three members of Old Crow Medicine Show) and the evening's New Belgium beer specials.

Standing close to the stage while his friend M.ck attempted to (illegally?) record the proceedings using a tiny Iphone, Richard revelled in 150 minutes of sheer guitar mastery and beautiful Gillian Welch backing vocals in a set consisting of excellent originals, hootenanny classics ("Hot corn, cold corn!"), and a set-closing cover song jamboree in which Bright Eyes' "Method Acting" morphed into Neil Young's "Cortez the Killer" before giving way to Dylan's "Queen Jane Approximately" and culminating in an audience sing-along of The Band's "The Weight." (Chip: "Which band?" Richard: "THE Band, damn it!").

Richard gives the show four out of four hippie-microbrews and feels sorry for the hipsters down the street at the Replay at the same time listening to Baiowolf (yes, as in Scott Baio), although those same hipsters were also certainly feeling sorry for those of us at the Granada for shelling out 20 bucks for a transcendent musical experience.

Chip: "Okay, but there's still one thing I'm confused about. Were there any sorostitutes at this show?"

Pictured: Rawlings and Welch

















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Local hipster siblings Aaron and Kendra Marable have brought us a lot of joy over the years with their DJ sets and their art, and tonight brings the opening of Kendra's new "found art" show at Wonder Fair. She describes her work as follows:

"Perfume bottles, bird nests, broken toys, religious icons, rusty spoons, feathers and teeth settle in together allowing their meaning to shift within the poetry of relation."

Let's take a look:




















Richard: "The lock featured prominently at the top of this piece potently suggests the difficulty of retrieving ("unlocking," if you will) the lost world of childhood imagination and all its variety. I'll vote art."

Chip: "What I like about this piece is the bunny. Art."

Stop Day!

Readers, it's Stop Day, a local holy day when real work is forbidden and we all recover from the debauchery and orgies of the night before.

Even so, we'll bring you one photo from last night at Q's, in which a grinning, unshaven Cl.thier tries to surreptitiously capture women at the bar by pretending to take a photo of himself. He wasn't overly successful and later he was questioned by Q's "den mother" about the evening's photography, at which point he politely explained that he was simply documenting "local nightlife" for a blog called The Larryville Chronicles (luckily, he did not mention that said blog was also planning a contest to see which waitress had the "sweetest titties.").

The Boys Reflect on Stop Day Eve and Offer Their Pick for Event of the Day! / Also: Style Scout!

The boys' fondness for the local holiday known as Stop Day Eve has been well-documented here. What's not to love about a day that's centered entirely around college students taking a break from their studies in order to get fucked-up and then get fucked?

But is fall's Stop Day Eve as nice as the one in spring? Well, no. There's just something about the warm weather in May followed by the promise of three months of vacation that makes people especially horny. And with tonight's sub-zero windchills, it's a safe bet that even the sluttiest of sorostitutes will be dressed in layers as opposed to the revealing attire of spring, not to mention less prone to having sex in the alley behind the Wheel. Still, it's a treat to remove all those layers at the end of the evening. It's sort of like opening a Christmas present. A very nubile Christmas present. And a man with a warm car outside the Hawk at 2:00 might do very well for himself.

But where do the boys plan to go tonight? Abe and Jake's, of course, is the obvious bet. But the more in-the-know crowd may stay closer to campus given tonight's frigid weather and opt for the newly opened dance-club called The Cave which is (somehow) already functioning in the still-half-constructed Oread Inn near campus and hosting a Stop Day Eve party showcasing the club's "state-of-the-art lights, lazers, smoke and bubble machines, and sound" (Lawrence.com). (Richard: "Lazers are even more awesome than lasers!").

Chip: "I'm going to pick up a group of sorostitutes at The Cave and go spelunking, if you catch my meaning."

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Today's Style Scout profiles Thomas Hardy (no, not the dude who wrote Tess of the D'Urbervilles), a 24 year old Larryvillean who describes his look as "Western meets geek," speaks of his fondness for vests, and offers this explanation of his distaste for the trend of "backward hats": "One time at Henry’s, this guy wearing a backward hat spilled my full drink."

Chip: "Quit crying, Hardy, I totally apologized for that."

So, ladies, is he stylish, or isn't he?





















Today's Scout is brought to us by our favorite fashion-blogger Katy Seib.l, who has recently been offering us many looks at her new short haircut, which was the result of a contest on her blog in which viewers could vote on her new look. Here's one of those shots:













Richard: "I voted no on the short haircut, but I still find her outrageously attractive."

The Boys Check In With A. Rusc.n's Hipster Photo Spreads /Also: Is a New KU Sports Scandal In the Works?!

When future historians write the history of Larryville hipsterism, A. Rusc.n's photos on Lawrence.com will surely be one of the most valuable resources. The intrepid photographer was on hand (of course) at the recent Farmer's Ball and those pictures have finally appeared on the site this week (late as always).

Let's examine three of them.




Richard: "I'm increasingly willing to look ridiculous if it will help me get laid at the Replay or Jackpot, and I think a mustache may be just the ticket. But which style should I cultivate? I'm thinking the one on the right."







Chip: "I wonder who he likes best: Ol'Dirty Bastard or the RZA?"



















Obviously, this is Jesus in a NASCAR shirt.
















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An article in today's LJ-World sports section focuses on the free throw shooting abilities of the men's basketball team. In the piece, Markief Morris talks about how Coach S.lf recently tried to rattle Thomas Robinson during his attempt to make five in a row:

“Coach started grabbing him and said, ‘You’ve got a nice body,’ and Thomas missed the last one.”


Richard: "Be careful there, Coach! If you ever start to lose a few games, they'll accuse you of inappropriate 'touching' and homoerotic or homophobic comments, depending on how that's interpreted."

The Boys Consider the UDK's "Top of the Hill" Awards!

At this time of the year, the boys love to read best-of-the-year lists (and to make their own). One of their favorites is the "Top of the Hill" awards chosen by KU students, and this year's list offers the usual mix of the predictable and baffling.

Let's start with the baffling.

Free State Brewery wins for "best steakhouse?" Can you be a steakhouse if you only feature one steak on the menu and are patently NOT a steakhouse? The boys vote no.

More predictable is the choice of Abe and Jake's for "best dance club" for the third year running. Newcomer Wilde's Chateau clocked in as a strong runner-up, however.

Chip: "If I wanted to grind, I'd go to Abe and Jake's, no question. Unless I wanted to grind on a dude, at which point I guess I can see the appeal of Wilde's."

For "best coffee," KU's non-adventurous students opted for Starbucks over local favorites Java Break and Milton's. La Prima Tazza didn't even register in the polls, which is surely making a lot of grad student hipsters cry in their Iced Cinnamon Chai Lattes right about now. In fact, chains defeated the locals in many categories: Five Guys Burger and Fries defeated Dempsey's Burger Stand in the "burger" category (Richard: "Actually, I agree with this.") and Buffalo Wild Wing's bested Biemer's in the "barbecue" category (Richard: "Morons!").

The winner for best live-music venue: Granada. Actually, hipsters are probably happy about this one, as it means that students have perhaps not discovered the Replay yet.

Oddly missing from this year's categories: "best overall bar." Quinton's was the hands-down winner last year, and Chip will surely be upset that Q's didn't get a chance to repeat.

The boys are currently hard at work (and we do mean hard as in "erect") on their own Quinton's-related awards, which features categories such as "Best Overall Waitress" (will it be perennial favorite Woodchuck or sexy newcomer 'library chick?') and "Sweetest Titties."

The Boys' Video Game Column Is Back!

The boys have gone on record many times with their belief that video games are "not art," so how did they feel about the recent NY-Times profile of a group of young, innovative, independent video game designers who are determined to make games that are about more than just graphically shooting zombies or pretending to be the Beatles. They want to create games that are "meaningful in deep, fundamental ways.”

First off, who are these people? The article explains:

"Rohrer himself is a kind of Thoreauvian game designer, a 31-year-old back-to-the-land programmer-philosopher who lives in Las Cruces, N.M., where he codes his eccentrically engrossing games, which can feel like digitally mediated poetic moods, on an ancient computer and makes them available free online."

Chip: "If this guy was really an outdoorsy type fellow, I don't think he'd be playing video games. I'm immediately skeptical."

Perhaps, Chip. But some of these games do sound "meaningful." For instance, there's Blueberry Garden, "which features little instruction and no puzzles — other than the question of what exactly to do next — but roaming among the garden’s flora and fauna to the sounds of a Debussy-like soundtrack is captivating."

Will players take to this kind of experience? A player quoted within the piece sounds quite impressed:

“Dude, you just kind of float around and get those blueberry power-ups."

Richard: "I totally can't wait to get stoned and play this shit!"

Another of the new games is called "Flower," which is described as follows:

"Flower has an environmental message, about the fragility of life, but more important is the primal experience of playing. You can experience it like a film, passing through a whole range of emotions from beginning to end. “Flower,” Chen says, “is about the sublime.” It is a game to be played in one sitting, he said, and preferably “alongside your lover.”

Chip: "The problem here is that people who play video games do not have 'lovers.'"

Richard: "If I can 'experience it like a film,' why shouldn't I just watch a film?"

The piece ends with an inspiring image of the young designers who are described as "wandering down Haight Street holding a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and drinking from paper bags. “I don’t care about money,” Soderstrom said. “I just want games to be something like art.”

Read the full piece here (it's good!):

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/15/magazine/15videogames-t.html?pagewanted=1&sq=can diy supplant&st=cse&scp=1

And here's a "screen shot" from Blueberry Garden:

The Boys Box-Office Report Returns For Oscar Season!

Readers, it's the time of year when most films playing at a theater near you have their eyes on box-office gold and are more likely to deal with overweight and illiterate young black women getting raped (Precious) and the kid from Spiderman as a confused war veteran (Brothers) than they are with giant fighting robots. But occasionally something light-hearted find its way into the mix, such as this weekend's Translymania, a parody which attempts to cash in on the recent vampire craze. It's clocking in at an unheard of 00% on the review-aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, but is it really that bad? (somehow we suspect it's better than Twilight).

Let's take a look at a few reviews.

The Orlando Sentinel says that the film contains "One laugh -- Vampires, stuffed in their coffins on a horse-drawn wagon, whining to the driver -- "Are ve DERE yet?"

Chip: "That's pretty funny."

And the AV-Club delivers an "F" along with their wonderfully scathing review:

"Transylmania is such a colossal comedic misfire that it makes the execrable Scary Movie films look like masterworks of Preston Sturges-esque genius by comparison. The business of competently executing a joke seems utterly beyond the grasp of directors David and Scott Hillenbrand and writers Patrick Casey and Worm Miller... But no matter how many farting horses, vomit buckets, and penis-catching laptops they toss out, Transylmania slowly drains viewers’ blood and makes them wish for a stake through the heart."

Richard: "A guy with his dick caught in a laptop is also pretty funny. Maybe we should hire this guy named 'Worm' to handle some of our Chip-jokes."

Chip: "I saw a farting horse at yesterday's Old-Fashioned Christmas parade."

The LC's Holiday Coverage Begins: Free State Glass Party and Old-Fashioned Christmas Parade

Readers, it was one year ago this weekend when Richard discovered Larryville's greatest party. Perhaps you remember? He wrote about it here in a post entitled "Richard Discovers Larryville's Greatest Party."

Let's reprint his original description:

"Despite the fact that Richard has lived in Larryville for a damn decade, he only discovered Free State Glass's huge word-of-mouth holiday party last night (a party which, we should mention, has been going on for 24 years). The party attracts everyone from Larryville's "old guard" (many in formal wear) to beautiful underage party girls, and begins with a glass-blowing competition taking place in a ring surrounded by drunken onlookers (Richard originally suspected the ring was for bare-knuckle boxing or a cockfight, and was only mildly disappointed by its actual purpose). Featuring two bars of free booze, catered meats, a large stage, live bands, a dance floor, and a special "weed room," the party truly holds something for everyone and Richard's ignorance on the subject seems to call his hipster status into question once again, although he prefers to believe that it's a party so cool that it only reveals itself to someone who is truly ready to appreciate it."

Naturally, Richard spent most of this year waiting for a chance to introduce his less-hip friends to this great event, and last night was the big night.

Here are three highlights:

In a Keystone Cops-ish moment, King Tosser, in line for the bathroom, was bumped into by a very drunk woman, knocking him against a wall which ignited a fire extinguisher which led to a mass exodus from the first floor and a warning from the band on the second floor that someone had made a "real mess downstairs." Did the Tosser's antics affect any of the precious glassware of the first floor, perhaps endangering the future of the business and, most importantly, the Christmas party? We'll see.

Brian was pinned to a wall and nearly mauled by a ravenous cougar!

On his way out, Richard had a brief but delightful conversation with "international rockabilly superstar" Li'l Rachel, who was wearing a very sparkly dress.

See you at the same time next year (if you are cool enough).

---

After the evening's debauchery, Richard was up bright and early to stake out his spot at downtown's Old-Fashioned Christmas Parade, one of the nation's largest gatherings of horse-drawn carriages.

Here are two shots of the event:


Richard: "Notice how my shot carefully juxtaposes the frontier spirit of the restored Wells Fargo Wagon with the modern trappings of the street light, with the no U-Turn sign working here to symbolize the loss of a simpler time and the impossibility of 'turning around' to recapture that innocence."










Chip: "I think the little horses are the prettiest horses."

The Boys Consider Mang.no's Resignation

So, after weeks of controversy, Coach Mang.no agreed yesterday to a contract buyout, resigning before AD L.w could fire him or have him assassinated. Now that the time has come for our Coach to make his exit, surely we can all put aside our various feelings on his tactics (and his weight) and congratulate on his years of service that took a mediocre (at best) program all the way to an Orange Bowl victory. Let's check in on some of the KUSports talkbacks to hear some well-wishes from local fans.

stuckinchanute (anonymous) says... "Adios meatball!"

cshjhawk (anonymous) says... "He can now go home and be with his homies!"

Bontster023 (anonymous) says... "Fare well mangina"

blue73harley (Anonymous) says… "The shortage situation on Eggo waffles in Lawrence has just improved."


Chip says: "I like that last one. Somehow this blog has not yet addressed the most severe crisis facing this great land: the Eggo waffle shortage caused by production interruptions at the waffle-plants. We're all so focused on issues like Mang.no and Afghanistan this week that people seem to be forgetting the things that truly affect the common man, like whether or not I have enough fucking Eggos to get me through the winter."

The Boys Consider Trends in Boozing / And Photos From Richard's Thanksgiving Break!

If you've ever noticed Chip's ever-present flask of Malibu Rum in his boot or Richard sipping a "Hollywood Martini" at the Eldridge on Thursday evenings, you already know about their fondess for rum. Apparently, they are on the leading edge of a major rum-revival, according to a piece in yesterday's NY-Times: "The boom coincides with a dawning recognition that midcentury tropical drinks, many of them based on rum, constitute a rich and nearly untapped vein of American mixology."

The piece focuses on a Los Angeles bar called The Tar Pit whose drink menu is largely centered around rum and whose "ambassador" is a concoction called The Night Marcher, which consists of "a large, grimacing tiki mug; bondage gear; store-bought Cholula hot sauce; a sense of humor that is hard to distinguish from weirdness; rum."

Chip: "I can't wait till this drink makes it to Larryville bars. It sends the message that (a) I enjoy rum and (b) I want to tie you up and spank you."

The piece goes on to point out that the "rum rebellion" also "takes advantage of a growing sentiment that the bartending scene has gotten a bit full of itself. Nothing can deflate a pretentious cocktail faster than a sharp poke with a paper umbrella."

Chip: "Amen. So many people these days care too much about the taste of their 'microbrews' and their fancy martinis, forgetting that the purpose of drinking should be simply to get hammered, get laid, and pass out. "

The article also singles out the bar in an arepa restaurant in hipster-central Williamsburg, Brooklyn called "Roneria Caracas" which features 30 rums and "unexpected ingredients like bay leaves, blueberries and coconut bitters."

Richard: "I'll bet Adam is drinking there right now!"

---

On his recent trip down South, Richard stopped at a restaurant in Collins, Missouri, that comes highly recommended by Chip. He dined on a delicious meal of fried chicken livers, beans with ham, potatoes and gravy, and a hunk of cornbread as thick as wedding cake, and on the way in he spotted this sign, which reminds us of something that we too often forget: liberal Larryville is indeed a small, hipster-filled oasis surrounded by the rough and rugged frontier.

The Boys Consider the Continuing Mang.no Controversies / Plus, Is This Band Hip, Or Isn't It?

With the inevitable firing of Coach Mang.no still hovering in the (near?) distance, former players continue to come out of the woodwork with troubling allegations, such as today's claims by 02-03 player Cory Kipp that the coach forced him as a punishment to "bear-walk" across the Astro-Turf, which burned his hands.

"The thing was, that day, it was so hot on the field," says Kipp (LJ-World), who apparently has pictures of a blistered hand to prove it.

What do the boys think?

Richard: "I think I could deal with an occasional poke in the stomach or a blistered hand in exchange for the pussy these players get."

Chip: "Look, we pay this man to inspire our players however he sees fit, and sometimes he sees fit to make them 'bear-walk' on steaming hot Astro-Turf or yell at them about how they'll end up like their alcoholic daddies or their street-corner 'homie' buddies. I'll take a guy who can win an Orange Bowl over the likely too-soft replacement who will probably insist on taking the team out for sundaes, win or lose, and maybe buy them all a kittycat if they make it to a bowl game."

---

We've been having some trouble deciding whether tonight's show at the Granada by Deluka is hip or not.

Let's try to figure it out.

First, it's at the Granada, which immediately suggests unhip because the band is obviously already well-known enough that they need a bigger, less hip venue instead of the Replay or Jackpot.

However, they are from Birmingham, England (which sounds hip) and are fronted by "enigmatic frontwoman Ellie Innocenti" (which sounds hip).

BUT, they have a song featured on the soundtrack of one of the Grand Theft Auto video games (perhaps irredeemably unhip?).

Finally, we must check the reviews.

NME describes them as: "Girl-charged electro-skuzz punk, akin to Ladytron snacking on The Killers for brunch."

Richard: "Fuck it, I'm in. But I'll make sure to go to the bar and ignore them when they play that Grand Theft Auto tune."

The Boys Check Back In With Anna Undercover's Local Stripper Blog

After weeks of pussy-footing around(!), Anna Undercover's newest entry finally gives her readers what they have been clamoring for in her (very busy) comments sections: a vivid description of a typical evening at the Outhouse (which she consistently and cleverly disguises using the code-name of East Lawrence Ballet).

Here are two excerpts.

In the first, Anna gives a female customer a lapdance:

"I climbed onto her and locked my eyes on hers. I began to move slowly and deliberately around her lap like a snake exploring innocent, trusting prey."

Chip: "Notice here how she insists on viewing herself as the predator, obviously a tactic that keeps her from realizing how much she's being exploited by this culture. No. I'm kidding, folks. I'd totally want her to sit in my lap and spin around like a goddam pinwheel."*

[*modified line from Heathers]

And in this next excerpt we see Anna suffering a rare and touching moment of self-doubt and embarrassment:

"The song ended. The other girls hooted and hollered at me. Hehe! Naked except for fishnet thigh highs and stilettos, I beamed and curtsied like a ballerina. “Thanks guys!” I waved. Inwardly, I mocked myself for treating them all like an audience at a “real” dance show. I angled my butt away from the audience as I re-dressed on stage."

Richard: "There's nothing to be ashamed of, Anna. Obviously, this is far better than a real ballet."

Chip: "I'd like to be sitting in the front row while she curtsied."

Read the full blog here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2009/nov/23/saturday-night-at-the-east-lawrence-ballet/

The LC's Week in Review

Readers, let's catch up on a few important things that happened while we were all on vacation.

1) The boys befriended a new waitress at Quinton's who looks like a sexy librarian and (if pornography has taught us anything) is surely an out-of-control sex maniac below that reserved exterior. She joined the boys briefly to discuss a wrestling match playing in the bar in which a group of lovely female pilgrims defeated a group of gorgeous Indian savages. "You know, this could potentially be seen as politically incorrect," said the waitress (proving her intelligence). Richard vowed later to "bang her between now and Christmas, maybe while watching wrestling."

2) Richard attended a post-Thanksgiving East-Side celebration during which he and King Tosser attempted to explain the genre of "twee" to the new president of the East Side (using the Transmittens as their primary local example). Adam, the evening's "special guest," who traveled all the way from the hipster epicenter of Williamsburg for this event, revealed none of the depravity witnessed in his many recent comments on this blog: his behavior revealed not a single one of his many fetishes involving Chip and gourds. And in the evening's best line, our host, a local reverend, inadvertantly summed up the laid-back EastSide mindset: "I thought I had successfully baby-proofed that room, but when I checked again I found a knife, some matches, and a bucket of nails."

3) Local hipster-favorites Rooftop Vigilantes scored a major coup in the recording of their second record: they are working with noted DC-based producer J. Robbins (of Jawbox, Murder By Death, etc). The title of their second album is "Real Pony Glue." Take a minute, readers, and rearrange those letters.

That's right. It's an anagram of Replay Lounge.

The LC Is On Vacation

See you next week, readers, for more stories involving hipsterism, holiday gift ideas, and the almost-certain firing of Coach Mang.no (surely Joe College is currently modifying their shirts from "Our Coach is Phat" to "Our Coach Is Phired!").

The Boys Consider Adam Lambert's Controversial AMA Performance

Like most Americans, the boys gather around the watercooler on Monday mornings to discuss football scores and important pop-culture moments. Obviously, the thing on everyone's mind this morning was Adam Lambert's closing performance at last night's American Music Awards, which contained simulated oral sex and a make-out session between Lambert and his male keyboardist. The performance was edited before being broadcast on the West Coast. (Chip: "Isn't that the part of the country least likely to be offended?").

Did the boys enjoy the performance?

Chip: "I know you all expect me to say something about the increasing 'homosexualization' of American culture, but if we're honest with ourselves on this one we have to admit that the performance was surprisingly...arousing."

Richard: "Lambert's good, but I voted for Kris Allen."

But let's check in with an on-line talkbacker to gain a different view:

DeeJan says: "Adam Lambert showed a autrocious display I have ever witness on TV by him having a dancer with a hand on his head grinding him on his private area and then to top all of that putting his hand and pulling on another dancer (woman) private area. What kind of message is this sending out to our youth.. It made me sick.. I feel so sorry for his parents for that type of display.. His parents were so proud of him when he was on American Idol.. He needs to apologize for his actions. He made a statement about Freedom to express.. That freedom of expression is getting our children kidnapped and sexually abused then to be murdered. We already having problems with Porn being on the net."

Chip: "Can I change my mind now? I actually agree with DeeJan."

The Boys Consider the Farmer's Ball Results / Hipster PIck of the Day

Readers, we're sad to report that Cloud Dog, clearly the most interesting band of this weekend's Farmer's Ball competition, has lost out to yet another waify hipster songstress, Katlyn Conroy (who joins a line of similar winners such as the ukulele-playing Hawley Shoffner and Susanna Johannes, she of the rhyming name). Ah well, whether or not we agree, it's our duty as hipsters to support her, and you can start by buying her album, which has an adorable cover, you must admit:




















---

Tonight the Replay offers up Pitchfork-approved band, Digital Leather. Their album, Warm Brother, on the Fat Possum label, was awarded a very respectable 7.3 on the site's hipster scale. The opening line of the review, regarding the band's frontman, should tell you everything you need to know to understand why this show is important:

"Shawn Foree is just your typical Midwestern American-Lit student who plays "new-wave Nazi fag punk" (among other memorable epithets he's coined) under Jay Reatard management."

According to Pitchfork, the album's title combines "a Nazi reference and a gay joke ...(look it up)," and although we don't get the joke and don't want to look it up, we trust Pitchfork that this band's brand of political-incorrectness somehow makes them hip instead of juvenile.

Here's their album cover:

Richard Goes to the Farmer's Ball!

Luckily, Richard entered the Bottleneck for Larryville's annual battle of the bands competition just as his predicted winner, Cloud Dog, was beginning their set, and these shirtless, war-painted percussionists struck up a tribal groove so rhythmic, so powerful that even the most jaded hipsters had to fight back an urge to shake their skinny asses (one fellow in the audience balanced a beer can on his head, perhaps in some--racist?--reference to tribal women carrying water pots on their heads or perhaps just because he was a silly hipster). Cloud Dog's groove was as suited to the wilds of Wakarusa as it was to a bar setting, but it was impressive nonetheless. Three out of four PBR's (and maybe some 'shrooms!). The band has advanced to tonight's finals.

Next up was KJHK's DJ Avi. You're a DJ, not a band, dickhead. And if you keep exhorting people to dance, play something besides that shoegazer shit. Zero PBR's. The crowd was unimpressed and most went outside to smoke. DJ Avi did not advance, and is probably crying today in the studio while spinning some very 'sad-bastard' tunes.

Then California Craisins took the stage, complementing their terrible band name with sunglasses and a style that sounded like a very boring version of The Flying Burrito Brothers. All very ironic, of course, but if they were serving as the house band at the Sandbar no one would get the joke and probably enjoy the hell out of it. One PBR. But somehow they advanced, beating out a later band which featured glockenspiels and a cute hipster chick on harmonies. What has this town come to?

Richard went home, leaving King Tosser there to bang a lady drummer.

See you at the Jackpot for tonight's finals. Go Cloud Dog!

The Boys Consider The Proposed Downtown Rickshaw Business! / Also: Noodles and Company Opens and The Farmer's Ball Begins!

Sometimes a remarkable idea comes along, readers, and today is one of those times:

"Lawrence resident Shane Powers is hoping to open a rickshaw business in downtown by the spring, if he can convince city leaders to create a new ordinance that allows for such a business" 'Think about it, if you are at the Granada and you want to get to Quinton’s, that is a pretty good walk,” Powers said. “I think I could get some business out of that crowd'" (LJ-World).

Chip: "Oh, he certainly could. I mean, if I'm shitfaced down at Brother's and need to head all the way up to Q's, I'd totally hail a rickshaw. And I hope these rickshaws are manned by homeless people, an idea first considered, of course, on Seinfeld."

Richard: "I just hope this rickshaw business doesn't try to operate within the student ghetto, because those things will be robbed like stagecoaches in the Old West."

---

If you're anything like the boys, you'll be dining at downtown's newest chain, Noodles and Company, which has its grand opening today (Chip: "This weekend is about two things: noodles and the Twilight film.").

But if you've got time for anything else, the Farmer's Ball competition gets underway at the Bottleneck tonight before moving on (and getting hipper) at the Jackpot tomorrow for the finals.

The LC has lent its support to Cloud Dog (see yesterday's blog), but they'll be facing stiff competition from Hidden Pictures (pictured below) which features a Zooey-type chick who plays flutes and tambourines. That shit is ever-popular in Larryville.

The Boys Consider "The Twilight Saga: New Moon!" / Also: It's Farmer's Ball Weekend in Larryville!

The boys aren't huge fans of the Twilight series, but they always catch the midnight screenings of the new films for one simple reason: the midnight audience consists almost entirely of lonely 20 and 30-something women who are obsessed with screwing vampires and who, by the time the film lets out at 3:00 a.m, are horny enough to fuck any fellow with even a passing knowledge of Bella and Edward (Chip: "Plus, I actually look a bit like Robert Pattinson anyway.").

The most entertaining places to read Twilight reviews are fanboy websites like AICN, where the commentary ranges from the insightful to the...vulgar and hilarious:

let's take a look at a few excerpts.

First the insightful:

"Meyer has found a way to turn the dark, shadowy world of the vampire into the pink frilly lace and teddy bears of a little girl’s room, creating a vampire archetype so bad it will stand for generations as an example of how badly classic monsters can be re-invented."

And then the vulgar and hilarious:

There comes a point when you just have to ask yourself: how many supernatural creatures is this girl going to cocktease and have to endure them regaling her with speeches about how they don’t want to hurt her – and by hurt her mean beat the ever loving shit out of her before eating her...And when Bella loses her vampire and begins leading a werewolf around by the dick, you’ve got to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this girl."

And this:

"When a werewolf discusses his nature by saying that “it isn’t a lifestyle choice” – that he was born the way he is – it would almost be forgivable if he and his four muscle bound buddies weren’t marching around in jean shorts and nothing else. These guys were a Weather Girls song away from being a parade all their own...".

And this:

"If you see this, see it with beer or with promise of sex afterward. Just don’t let her lather up your dong in body glitter. You have to draw the line somewhere."

Chip: "The only way I see any movie is with beer or promise of sex afterward, but I'm okay with the dong-glitter."

---

Readers, this is the weekend of an important Larryville event: The Farmer's Ball. Yes, Larryville's longest-running battle-of-the-bands is back again to reward a local indie-band or some ukulele-playing hipster waif with a few hours in a recording studio. The competition kicks off tomorrow at the Bottleneck, and the boys' money this year is on a band called Cloud Dog.

Here's why:

"The group is a kindred spirit to freaked-out experimental acts like Dan Deacon, Animal Collective, and Fuck Buttons, building songs out of jarring sample juxtapositions and loopy beats. The insanity is held together by addictive rhythms that invite dancing and/or beating on the nearest non-living thing (or living, if he/she is into that sort of thing). Bring a drum and some war paint and you can hop onstage and get in on the action — there are no boundaries at a Cloud Dog show." (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "There seems to be a new trend among local acts to introduce this sort of 'hippie' spirit to a hipster crowd that wouldn't be caught dead at some outdoor guitar-noodling/drum-circle jamband festival but thinks the same thing is cool when presented in the comfortable environs of a TapRoom or a Jackpot (I'm looking at you 'Ad Astra Arkestra and Drumline'). I know Cloud Dog will be getting my vote, and I'll be on-stage covered in warpaint and playing the bongos."

This Week in Local News: Cockfighting Comes To Douglas County / Also: Developing Football News

Yesterday 118 gamecocks, 48 hens and three chicks were seized in Douglas County and two men were arrested on charges of cockfighting. The news was greeted with dismay by local "urban chicken" advocates and with glee by on-line talkbackers, who found the story ripe for the making of dick jokes.

What do the boys think?

"I guess I'm sort of surprised this sport has infiltrated such a liberal county, but down in Forttt Scottt it's just something we do on weekends in the back room of Rusty's Saloon. My own gamecock is called Little Chippie."

The LJ-World provides a picture of the cockfighting operation, which makes one wonder why it took people so long to wonder why these rednecks had a yard full of fighting chickens.














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After five consecutive losses, it was inevitable that talk of firing Coach Mang.no would surface. Players met yesterday with Athletics Director Lew Perk.ns to level serious charges of excessive "physical contact" against the "Phat" man (as he is affectionately known on those shirts we all bought at Joe College).

Should he stay, or should he go now?

Chip: "Five losses alone is enough to oust him. And Rees.ng should be shot like a broken-down horse."

Richard: "Let's toss S.lf out too after that near-loss to Memphis last night and start fresh."

The Boys Consider the NY-Times New Theories About Cougars!

Just because we haven't written about the phenomenon of "cougars" in awhile doesn't mean we've quit thinking about them (and banging them). An important article in yesterday's NY-Times "Sunday Styles" section entitled "In Cougar Territory, Cubs Take The Lead," suggests that it's no longer primarily the sexually ravenous older women who are doing the hunting but rather the cubs themselves, who are seeking out more experienced females due to their boredom with women their own age. A 27-year old graphic designer quoted in the piece, for instance, says he's grown weary of women who are into "immature partying and drinking, and being stupid and irresponsible."

Chip: "After two shots of Jagermeister, a sorostitute will do anything a cougar will do, sexually, and look--and feel--a hell of a lot better doing it. Cougars feel like worn leather."

The article also tipped the boys' off to the increasing popularity of "cougar/boy toy" speed-dating events and the existence of a website called www.urbancougar.com which advises cubs on popular cougar "dens" across the nation (such as Austin's in Olathe, Kansas!) and features elements such as the "cougar of the month," "cub chronicles," and "cougar confessions."

The boys have been enjoying the site so far and have found some excellent Christmas gifts (for themselves) in the merchandise section, such as this "urban cougar mousepad":



















See you at Austin's in Olathe!

The Boys' Fashion Column is Back! / And Another Take on Those Darlins' from the Pitch's Wayward Blog

One of the boys' favorite local events occurred last week: KU's Project Runway challenge, in which local designers get a chance to show off their looks and have them judged by a contestant from the popular series.

Scenemaker A. Ruscin was on hand to photograph the proceedings (of course), and here we offer a glimpse of one of the boys' favorite pieces of the evening:




Chip: "This look seems to combine the feel of abstract art with the practicality of the ever-sexy 'litte black dress' in such a way that suggests the model is both playful and fuckable, although I suppose it would be hard to kiss her through that damn bamboo or whatever it is."

Richard: "I can totally see myself wearing this headgear, perhaps to an intimate dinner party or even a casual night out at the Replay."










---

Nick Spac.k seems like a nice enough guy but his reviews on the Pitch's Wayward Blog (he's their Larryville correspondent) often differ with Richard's own views (as well as those of local hippies, who raked Nick over the coals for weeks after he trashed their beloved jammy/bluegrass band Railroad Earth).

Nick was far less enthralled than Richard with Friday's Those Darlins' gig, deeming them an unworthy headliner who couldn't possibly live up to the shenanigans of the incarcerated King Khan and BBQ show:

"Let's just put it this way: if you put three attractive young women in tight outfits on stage, and have the rather busty bass player jump up and down for the entire set, and I'm still having trouble finding anything interesting in the band, you might want to mix things up a little bit."

Richard: "Bouncy titties and lyrics like 'I got drunk and I ate chicken' were more than enough for me, Spac.k!"

However, Nick's review is certainly worth checking out for his pictures alone, and we'll leave you with two of them. First is Midnight Luxury, the Spook Lights' gogo dancer. Nick writes, "When your gogo dancer is a fellow with a beard and a heart shaved into the hair on his beer belly, you're not going for sexy, so much as "would you look at that?"





















And here's one of Jessi Darlin':

















Chip: "She's an attractive gal, but she's no Midnight Luxury. That's for sure."

The Boys Book Club Is Back To Discuss the Palin Memoir / KU Sports On-Line Talkbacker of the Day: Lighthawk!

Like most of America, the boys have reserved their copies of Sarah Palin's memoir Going Rogue, which will be released later this week.

The advance review in the NY-Times criticizes Palin's "annoying tendency to gratuitously drop the names of lots of writers and philosophers — in the course of this book, she quotes or alludes to Pascal, Plato, Aristotle, Thomas Paine, Pearl S. Buck, Mark Twain and Melville."

Richard: "She may be smarter than I think, but I'd still wager 50 bucks she hasn't read more than 10 pages of Moby Dick."

Chip: "This promises to be the biggest seller in Forttt Scottt since the last book of the Left Behind series. We're not so much interested in the politics, but we're hoping she has some good tips on the best ways to skin a moose."

The NY-Times also usefully provides an excerpt from the first paragraph:

“I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier."

See you at Borders.

---

The KU football team has now suffered five consecutive losses, and even their most fervent fans are jumping ship at this point. In this post from the KU-Sports message board, "Lighthawk" explains how the losses are connected to the early season football/basketball brawl:

"We "Mel Gibson" theorists have been claiming that sports, battles and war contain 3 factors: preparation ( a battle plan) , the heavy hammer (talent or firepower) and emotion (confidence or swagger). Since the time of the fight with the BB team, this FB has lost every week. This crew was told stop fighting or even hinting at conflict with the BB team, no we aren't going to talk about it, and no we aren't going to disucss who is at fault and I don't care if several of them ganged up on a few of you, the discussion is over before it starts, no we don't care to let you get your gripes on the table, just drop it & play ball, or I'll kick your arse to Mars and back. How would the marines take Iwo Jima if you stripped them of their dignity."

Chip: "100% right, Lighthawk! If you tell these men to be pussies off the field and forget about their grudges, how can we expect them to rip the fucking heads off their enemies on the field?"

Richard: "I was able to take my own small revenge on some Nebraska fans after the game last night. After growing weary of giving various groups of drunk NU fans directions to the Sandbar, I started sending them to the Replay instead."

Weekend Hipster Coverage: Richard Reviews Local "Theatre" and a Jackpot Show!

Last night proved once and for all that Drakkar Sauna can convince local hipsters to watch anything, even a 30 minute (by which they meant one hour) "play" based on Wallace Cochran's new book based on Drakkar Sauna's new album which seemed to be some sort of alternate history about how Andrew Jackson, Margaret Hamilton (of Wizard of Oz), Fritz Lang, and (most of all) Nicola Tesla (a hipster favorite) contributed to the history of "rocketry." Truly it was interminable and reminded this reviewer of the Andy Kaufman sketch where he simply takes the stage and reads from The Great Gatsby until people finally get bored and revolt. Only these hipsters would never think of revolting. They would simply stand still and pretend they were watching something important for fear of leaving and being labeled unhip for looking like they didn't "get" it.

This reviewer watched every minute.

On the bright side, it did end with a lovely rendition of "This World Is Not My Home" performed by a motley crew of local musicians. Oh, and cake was served.


---

In need of something a little less "cerebral" after the stimulating performance, Richard headed down to the Jackpot to catch up with rockabilly favorites The Spook Lights, who have finally realized the one thing their act has been lacking for these past few years: a shirtless, pastie-wearing "gogo dancer" called Midnight Luxury who absolutely thrilled the crowd. The Spook Lights, playing behind him, were rendered almost irrelevant.

Afterwards, a trio of wild hellcats from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, called Those Darlins took Richard back to his southern roots with a blistering set of, oh, let's call it cowpunk. He spent most of the evening picturing himself buried under a pile of Darlins' and will be insanely jealous if his companion, King Tosser, banged one or all of them later in the evening.

The evening's headliner, hipster garage-rock favorites King Khan and BBQ Show, were unable to attend because they were arrested two nights prior somewhere in Kentucky.

Photo of the Darlins from a recent Mercury Lounge show via interweb:

This Week in Larryville / Recent Concert Reviews

In this new series, we try to offer a concise summary of the most important local events for those of you who are too lazy to tune in on a daily basis. Here we go:

Following their fourth consecutive loss, KU football message boards were bombarded with thoughts this week regarding Rees.ng's mysterious, increasingly poor performances. One prominent theory: a little too much cocaine use at Johnny's each Thursday (Richard: "Well, it is widely known that Thursday is 'cocaine night' at Johnny's.").

Plans to blow up part of the old Kansas River bridge along the Kansas Turnpike were finalized: first blast is this Sunday at 12:30. Local rednecks are invited to a 'watch party' at Burcham Park. (Chip: "Finally, an event for the rest of us!").

Plans were also finalized to launch three butterfly larvae (KU's beloved Monarchs) into space to reside on the International Space Station. After reading today's article, the boys can't really figure out the purpose, but it's still pretty fucking cool, don't you think? (Chip: "Butterflies are pretty.").

And finally, a dog, Tinker, missing for eight months, was reunited with his owner. Full story today on the front page of the LJ-World. (Richard: "There's no joke here, folks. It's just a lovely, inspiring story.").




















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Har Mar Superstar, the pudgy hipster rocker with the Prince-like voice and penchant for performing in his underwear, rocked KC this week. The boys couldn't make it, but luckily the Pitch's Wayward Blog sent their sole female reviewer out to cover the spectacle. Was she impressed?

"I know some people came to see Har Mar because they'd been promised the spectacle of some nasty dude who thinks he's Prince. I hope they realized that the guy's no joke. Sure, he took the stage in orange jeans, silver sneakers and an Egyptian-print dashiki over a shirt with parachute sleeves and gold-sequined arm cuffs...
The man has soul...I screamed for "Power Lunch" after the set's finale, "Tall Boy," but to no avail. Har Mar had a plane to catch. And I had to go wring out my underwear."

Richard: "It's not well-known, but hipster chicks are surprisingly slutty. The thing is, many impoverished hipster bands need a place to crash after shows, which provides plenty of opportunities for local hipster chicks to sleep with band members, which they do primarily for hipster bragging rights, such as: 'I totally blew the bass player from Satan's Persimmons back in the day when they were still playing the Replay and not even big enough to play the Jackpot.' "

Here's a picture of Har Mar in action:

The Boys Check In With the Second Installment of Anna Undercover's Local Stripper Blog! / Plus, 'Is It Art, Or Isn't It?' Is Back!

We suspected that Anna Undercover would be one of those one-time local bloggers, but she's proved us wrong, returning with a strong second entry detailing the top ten things she's learned so far as a stripper.

Here's one of them:

4) You don't have to have a perfect body to be considered sexy by customers and earn income. I weighed 117 when I started stripping. I now weigh about 135 and make the same money.

Chip: "Oh, so it's written by a fat stripper. Myself, I tend to inquire about weight before inviting a woman onto my lap for a lapdance. Anything over 110 is a bit uncomfortable to me."

And another:

10) The few men I have time to meet at bars and through dating sites are not threatened by my job. Hooray for secure guys! :)

Richard: "They are totally threatened, but the desire to fuck a stripper usually wins out."

You can read the full blog here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2009/nov/10/being-a-stripper-10-things-ive-learned-so-far/

And you should also enjoy the ever-stimulating talkback comments afterward, such as this one, by BigPrune:

"Most guys don't complain when they find out you're a stripper because you must have a great body, like to walk around in the nude, and maybe a little less uptight about having sex? Just assumptions. I highly doubt you'll be able to ever attract any relationship long term, because, you're a stripper."



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One of the boys' favorite local artists, Aaron Storck, who is known for playing a strange wizard character in his 'installations,' will be appearing at Wonder Fair's newest art opening this Saturday for a 'spoken-word' performance.

Here is a description of Storck's work from his website:

"The Wizard is the protagonist at the heart of Aaron Storck's theatrical mise-en-scene. Exaggerated and over-the-top, he dons the most ostentatious of wizard garb, burns incense, mutters invocations, and eats Doritos. He is at once inane and intelligent, powerful and innocuous, entertaining and enlightening. He is an artist, a philosopher, a public access evangelist, he is a cultural theorist, a politician, and a scientist. He is a complex character used by Storck to examine and question a complex world."

Chip: "He is an idiot."

Richard: "The Doritos symbolize the intrusion of the modern world on the sacred space once reserved for silent contemplation of life's deepest mysteries."

The Boys' Country Corner Is Back Again! / Also: This Week In Twitter News!

Since the Country Music Association awards are happening tonight, surely we should take a moment to re-open the "country corner." The boys certainly have a clear favorite in the "song of the year" category this time around, and that song is Billy Currington's "People Are Crazy," which recounts a meeting in a bar in which a younger man receives some sage advice from an older man, which boils down to this (the chorus):

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy."

Richard: "At first glance, the song's abandonment of its parallel, hierarchical structure in the final phrase/punch-line is somewhat annoying, grammatically. But then one realizes that the chaos of the writing style mirrors the existential crisis witnessed in the old man's declaration of life's inability to be understood, a philosophy that the young man inherits later in the song when he repeats the phrase while leaving a 'six-pack right there on his [the old man's] grave.' Tough stuff, and kudos to the country music establishment for continuing to explore the world in all its complexity while everyone else is listening to...Lady Gaga or something."

Chip: "Great song, but it's just not believable to me as male barroom discussion due to the complete absence of women in the chorus. How about 'God is great, beer is good, pussy is neat, and people are crazy.' Or even a simple 'women are crazy.'"


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Well, we all know that certain Twitter users have gotten book deals based on their witty "tweets," but now a Twitter site called "Shit My Dad Says" is soon to become...a CBS television sitcom (presumably with the name softened to 'Stuff My Dad Says'). How this will be different from any of the other inane sitcoms on CBS remains to be seen, but let's take a look at a few posts, and you can read more at the site itself (you'll certainly want to!): http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."


Chip: "Between this, Cougar Town, and VH1's Sex Rehab, television is getting really good."

Richard Reviews the Dirty Projectors' Concert / The Boys' Video Game Report

The Granada was not full for the Dirty Projectors' first-ever trip to Larryville, but the hipsters in attendance were so very hip that each one of them made up for five normal hipsters at least. And from the moment when opening act Tune Yards' vocalist took the stage by performing a few whale calls, looping them, backing them up with a hip-hop beat, and tuning her ukulele, we knew we were in for something special. It was simply an added bonus that her voice was absolutely amazing, so much so that the Talking Heads-y schtick of the (surprisingly accessible) Dirty Projectors soon paled by comparison (apart from their equally impressive female harmony vocals). Notorially pompous Projectors' frontman Dave Longstreth, perhaps embarrassed to have left New York to play for a half-full room of Midwestern rubes, barely acknowledged the audience all night except to remark on the eerie "Lynchian" shadows along the empty back of the room. Even so, the remark was enough to win Richard over, since he has seen everything Lynch has done three times at least, and he soon began to believe that he was just as hip as Longstreth. This illusion was shattered, however, at the bar, where Richard friend's Heather, formal kickball star turned dodgeball wizard, was given a special "dodgeball discount" on a fine Free State ale while her friend, the newly elected East Side President, was given a special cup larger than anyone else's. And Richard? Richard was charged an exorbitant price for a shitty beer in a tiny cup.

Three PBR's out of four for the concert. Zero PBR's for the hipster bartenders. Cute hipster drawing courtesy of interweb (click to enlarge and study):

















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Like all red-blooded American geeks, the boys have taken the day off to play the just-released, most-anticipated new video game of the season: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. In a NY-Times piece, a young man explains his devotion to the game:

"Patrick Kienbauer, an 18-year-old student in Austria, said the game's last installment, which has sad background music and a ''comfortless ambiance,'' let him ''feel the cruelty and violence of war.''"

Chip: "Yeah, right. If we wanted to think about the cruelty of war we'd all be going to see these liberal anti-war films that Hollywood keeps trying to feed us. The Messenger, with Woody Harrelson? Give me a break. We play Modern Warfare because we want to shoot a bunch of motherfucking terrorists!"

Richard: "I believe that The Messenger, with Woody Harrelson, is going to be a very good film."

Hipster Pick of the Day: Dirty Projectors! / And the Boys' Consider the 40th Anniversary of Sesame Street

With New York's pompous darlings of the experimental art-rock scene slated to take the stage tonight, Richard has spent most of the day with Bitte Orca on repeat and practicing some commentary that might impress the uber-hipster chicks who are sure to be in attendance tonight:

"Bitte Orca is a good record--very good, in fact--but there's just something to be said for 2007's Rise Above, their effort to reimagine Black Flag's Damaged supposedly without actually having listened to that record in many years. Don't you think it makes a powerful point about how our memory of one's formative pop culture influences is far more relevant than the actual concrete nature of those artifacts?"

By the end of that little speech, surely any hipster girl will be ready to put down her PBR and make out with him.

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The boys' are suckers for pop-culture milestones and this week brings an important one: the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. Are the boys still fans?

Chip: "So many children's shows these days seem targeted just as much at the stoner crowd, such as Spongebob Squarepants, so I do like the fact that Sesame Street has remained resolutely 'square' and didactic. But the messages it sends are still disturbing. According to yesterday's NY-Times piece on the anniversary, the emphasis on the importance of diversity, disturbing enough, has now given way to screeds about issues of health: 'Sesame Street” [now] takes the Muppets, rhymes and visual verve that were developed to instill tolerance, racial pride and equality, to preach exercise and healthy eating.'" (NY-Times)

The NY-Times piece points out that even Cookie Monster has learned a few important things about nutrition:

"...Cookie Monster’s palate was refined during Season 36 as part of the show’s “healthy habits for life” campaign. He now also gobbles fruits and vegetables, which are labeled by the show as “anytime” foods while cookies are held in reserve as “sometime” food. And almost every episode has a subliminal message about exercise and nutrition, along with a fruit bowl."

Chip: "For some of us, cookies remain an 'anytime' food. Even so, I suppose I'd still let my children watch it, but I'd make it very clear to them that Bert and Ernie are not gay. They just enjoy each other's company, much like The Sherriff and Coll.ns."

LJ-World Sports Headline of the Day / Tonight's Hipster Pick: Giggle Party!

Despite four consecutive losses by a football team falling apart at the seams, the LJ-World is not yet ready to give up on their beloved Jayhawks. Tom Keegan's opinion piece today offers us the following somewhat mysterious, confusing, Zen-like headline that attempts to downplay yesterday's K-State victory:

"K-State Wins By Not Losing"

Chip: "Is a little journalistic truth too much to ask here? Today's headline should read: 'KU Loses By Sucking Real Hard' or, even better, 'Rees.ng: He's Got To Be On Drugs, Right?'"

Richard: "At least the arrival of basketball season has relieved us of the burden of caring, and I look forward to many more articles about the continued 'relationship' between The Sheriff and Coll.ns. I heard they recently went out for ice cream!"

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If you can't wait till the next Transmittens' gig for a dose of adorable indie electro-pop, you may want to consider Texas's Giggle Party at the Replay tonight.

The Dallas Observer says:

"Somewhere between pop-punk and anarchic electro-comedy, this mischievous quartet--and those brave enough to get close--were sodden with cupcake icing, malt liquor, silly string and sweat."


Please, watch their wonderful sing-along video of "Jason Bought a Hatchet" on their Myspace page:

www.myspace.com/wearegiggleparty

Larryville's "Missed Connections" on Craigslist! / Also, Hilarious Twitter Story of the Day: MSNBC Gets Hacked!

The boys are huge fans of Craigslist, which has assisted them many times in selling and buying stupid shit as well as getting laid (although its recent crackdown on prostitution is disappointing). Let's take a look today at the "missed connections" section of Larryville's Craigslist for a touching look at one of our lovelorn citzens. Was this written by a 12-year old, a foreigner, or Chip? There's just no way to be sure, but we wish this person well in re-connecting with their Mirth waitress:

"you brought me water and a delicious breakfast burrito then you laughed at me twice when i we were leaving. i don't think that i had anything on my face or like a boner or nothing, you just giggled, twice. i'm not mad or offended, it just not everyday... well, usually when pretty ladies laugh at me it is because of a sloppy face or a boner. was there something i was missing? if you respond to this, i will come in every morning you work, fumble around with some juices, look at the menu and then leave without ordering anything, just so you can smile and shake your head at me.


•Location: the mirth around 11

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The ever-liberal MSNBC's Twitter site was hijacked yesterday by witty hackers who began "tweeting" such messages as:

"WOW. Chris Matthews SUCKS. A douchebag like him is probably getting a blowjob from another pussy liberal..."

and

"We love Sean Hannity. Cum all over us Glenn Beck!!"

and

"Barack Obama is a stupid fucking socialist."

Chip: "Obviously, this is the first important step in a major conservative uprising. The next will probably be making a prank phone call to Keith Olbermann."