Saturday, November 21, 2009

Richard Goes to the Farmer's Ball!

Luckily, Richard entered the Bottleneck for Larryville's annual battle of the bands competition just as his predicted winner, Cloud Dog, was beginning their set, and these shirtless, war-painted percussionists struck up a tribal groove so rhythmic, so powerful that even the most jaded hipsters had to fight back an urge to shake their skinny asses (one fellow in the audience balanced a beer can on his head, perhaps in some--racist?--reference to tribal women carrying water pots on their heads or perhaps just because he was a silly hipster). Cloud Dog's groove was as suited to the wilds of Wakarusa as it was to a bar setting, but it was impressive nonetheless. Three out of four PBR's (and maybe some 'shrooms!). The band has advanced to tonight's finals.

Next up was KJHK's DJ Avi. You're a DJ, not a band, dickhead. And if you keep exhorting people to dance, play something besides that shoegazer shit. Zero PBR's. The crowd was unimpressed and most went outside to smoke. DJ Avi did not advance, and is probably crying today in the studio while spinning some very 'sad-bastard' tunes.

Then California Craisins took the stage, complementing their terrible band name with sunglasses and a style that sounded like a very boring version of The Flying Burrito Brothers. All very ironic, of course, but if they were serving as the house band at the Sandbar no one would get the joke and probably enjoy the hell out of it. One PBR. But somehow they advanced, beating out a later band which featured glockenspiels and a cute hipster chick on harmonies. What has this town come to?

Richard went home, leaving King Tosser there to bang a lady drummer.

See you at the Jackpot for tonight's finals. Go Cloud Dog!


Anonymous said...

Fuck King Tosser. I hear he has really bad taste in women. Even so far as to say he might bang fat chicks out of desperation to connect with the hipster crowd. But what do I know? All I can say for sure is, Chip has never even banged a fat hipster chick, needless to say a regular, semi-attractive, at least get your nut off hipster chick. So I guess this amounts to: fuck Chip. Because he's a virgin. Or close enough to it. Close enough to pity him like a fuckin mongoloid. He's like the stupid asshole kid that all the Dominicans in my neighborhood consistently call the N-word...and though I have no clue why they are using that word with such frequency, I assume it's bad. So Chip, you are that guy that all those non-black ppl call the N-word; and not out of 'brotherhood,' either; or whatever (I sound totally hipster-chic; or at least punctuate so hipster-chic. Yet I imagine those fuckheads are barely passing Dr. Nogs pseudo-intellectual banter of a class and I know for goddamn sure they aren't passing Dr-Asshole-Ellis's punk-rock-thought-I-could-fuck-off-and-talk-about-the-Beatles class). So what is one to do?

Dr. X is in your debt. said...


I have so lost the heavyweight title of Chip-abuse. A tip of my hat to you, goodsir. You are my better! Damn. Even I wanna give Kip a little hug after that.

I mean I would take a scalding hot shower afterwards and yell out 'unclean! unclean!' the entire time. But that was harsh.

But, I am happy that KT was exposed as the chubby chasing wanker we all knew him to be! Writes a good book though.

--I have been supplanted

rant and roll said...

Nice, Adam! I'll have to recommend that the Tosser actually read the comments for this one!