Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Boys Consider "The Twilight Saga: New Moon!" / Also: It's Farmer's Ball Weekend in Larryville!

The boys aren't huge fans of the Twilight series, but they always catch the midnight screenings of the new films for one simple reason: the midnight audience consists almost entirely of lonely 20 and 30-something women who are obsessed with screwing vampires and who, by the time the film lets out at 3:00 a.m, are horny enough to fuck any fellow with even a passing knowledge of Bella and Edward (Chip: "Plus, I actually look a bit like Robert Pattinson anyway.").

The most entertaining places to read Twilight reviews are fanboy websites like AICN, where the commentary ranges from the insightful to the...vulgar and hilarious:

let's take a look at a few excerpts.

First the insightful:

"Meyer has found a way to turn the dark, shadowy world of the vampire into the pink frilly lace and teddy bears of a little girl’s room, creating a vampire archetype so bad it will stand for generations as an example of how badly classic monsters can be re-invented."

And then the vulgar and hilarious:

There comes a point when you just have to ask yourself: how many supernatural creatures is this girl going to cocktease and have to endure them regaling her with speeches about how they don’t want to hurt her – and by hurt her mean beat the ever loving shit out of her before eating her...And when Bella loses her vampire and begins leading a werewolf around by the dick, you’ve got to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this girl."

And this:

"When a werewolf discusses his nature by saying that “it isn’t a lifestyle choice” – that he was born the way he is – it would almost be forgivable if he and his four muscle bound buddies weren’t marching around in jean shorts and nothing else. These guys were a Weather Girls song away from being a parade all their own...".

And this:

"If you see this, see it with beer or with promise of sex afterward. Just don’t let her lather up your dong in body glitter. You have to draw the line somewhere."

Chip: "The only way I see any movie is with beer or promise of sex afterward, but I'm okay with the dong-glitter."


Readers, this is the weekend of an important Larryville event: The Farmer's Ball. Yes, Larryville's longest-running battle-of-the-bands is back again to reward a local indie-band or some ukulele-playing hipster waif with a few hours in a recording studio. The competition kicks off tomorrow at the Bottleneck, and the boys' money this year is on a band called Cloud Dog.

Here's why:

"The group is a kindred spirit to freaked-out experimental acts like Dan Deacon, Animal Collective, and Fuck Buttons, building songs out of jarring sample juxtapositions and loopy beats. The insanity is held together by addictive rhythms that invite dancing and/or beating on the nearest non-living thing (or living, if he/she is into that sort of thing). Bring a drum and some war paint and you can hop onstage and get in on the action — there are no boundaries at a Cloud Dog show." (

Richard: "There seems to be a new trend among local acts to introduce this sort of 'hippie' spirit to a hipster crowd that wouldn't be caught dead at some outdoor guitar-noodling/drum-circle jamband festival but thinks the same thing is cool when presented in the comfortable environs of a TapRoom or a Jackpot (I'm looking at you 'Ad Astra Arkestra and Drumline'). I know Cloud Dog will be getting my vote, and I'll be on-stage covered in warpaint and playing the bongos."


It's also the PR finale tonight! said...

-Awaiting Beth or Shelley's response-

...with much vigorous glee.

...and a glitter dong!

Glitter Dong said...

That's also the name of my new band.

--better than the Transmittens? Perhaps!