Monday, May 17, 2010

The Boys Consider the New York Times Bestseller List and Look at Some Sexy Miss USA Photos!

Readers, we were naive enough to think that the vampire fad of late might be fading a bit, but a quick glance at yesterday's New York Times Bestseller list reveals that the newest (book eight) in a series of vampire novels called "the Black Dagger Brotherhood" series is perched at #2 on the list. The Times refers to their author, JR Ward, as a woman who "spend[s] her days thinking about the acrobatic couplings of vampires" (Richard: "Who doesn't?"). Our interweb research reveals that the series "focuses on six vampire brothers and warriors who live together and defend their race against Lessers, de-souled humans who threaten their kind" and that it is especially popular among women (big surprise!) who love the intense sex scenes.

Luckily, there are excerpts on-line, so let's take a look at see if these scenes are boner-worthy:

"After Rehvenge's mouth performed some intricate f-bomb aerobatics, he put his hand in hers and they shook. “You drive a hard bargain, you know that," he said.

“But you respect me for it, right?”

“Well, yeah. And it makes me want to get you naked.”


Ehlena flushed from head to toe as he slid off his stool and towered over her, cupping her face in his hands. “You going to let me take you to my bed?”

Given the way those purple eyes of his were shining, she was willing to let him take her down on the damn kitchen floor if he asked. “Yes

Richard: "Why does everyone have an extra 'h' in their name? Aside from that distraction, Ward does seem to have a way with dialogue. It's easy to see Rehvenge's appeal to female readers in the way he maintains an appreciation of female authority ('You drive a hard bargain') despite his dominant sexual power."

Chip: "The excerpt leaves me wondering if he fucks her on the bed or the kitchen floor?"

Let's find out:

"All she knew was thick, pounding anticipation for what he was going to do to her...Rehv shut the bedroom door behind them, balanced his cane on the wall, and removed his sable coat...

Rehvenge paused.

And then shocked the crap out of her by kneeling before her.

As he looked up, he had a slight smile on his lips.

“Don’t you get it, Ehlena.” With gentle hands, he stroked down her calve and brought her foot forward, balancing it on his thigh. As he undid the laces on her cheapo Keds sneaker, he whispered, “No matter what you wear... to me, you will always have diamonds on the soles of your shoes.”

Richard: "The phrase 'thick, pounding anticipation' is very clever here, obviously meant to implant in female minds an image of the boning that Rehv is about to give Ehlena. But the informality of 'shocked the crap out of her' is a startling juxtaposition and, personally, takes me right out of the moment. I do like the bizarre reference to Paul Simon lyrics at the end of the passage, however, and certainly plan to read all eight books this summer."


A new Miss USA was crowned last night, and this year's pageant has been especially controversial. The pageant was in the news last week because a series of black-and-white "glam shots" on the pageant's website were deemed too racy by many. Obviously, we disagree. Take a look at Miss Minnesota and tell us that's not "art."

You can see the full photo shoot here:

But a new, potentially more damaging, scandal has erupted this morning. Rima Fakhi, Miss Michigan, made headlines for being the pageant's first Arab-American winner, but that was quickly overshadowed by photos that emerged of her dancing on a stripper pole for a 2007 Detroit radio show's "Stripper 101" contest.

Chip: "I, for one, have always believed that the Miss USA pageant should incorporate a 'stripper pole' contest and see no harm in her behaviors of three years ago. I do, however, worry about crowning a possible terrorist as Miss USA."


Coincidence? I think so. said...

And we stopped writing Harry Lupus why?!?

Our shit was ten times this rhevenge bullshit!

Also, for the record:

X comes to KS: we go to the title game (admittedly the year I leave we win the title game. Still.)

X goes to... -shudders- AR: we take American Idol.

Not three weeks into XXX: MI gets Miss Fancypants... Or whatever the Hell Doc Noggle speaks of. My dick is magic. If we continue Harry Lupus, I'm writing Dr X back in as the tricky wizard Longstaff ...whose very appearance makes wicked shit happen. (and somehow Kip gets fucked by a werebear... although I think the eminant Dr C did that.)

--I piss national titles and I shit pageant winners. Next move: I solve the riddle of Michael Bay being employed!

my dick is magic! said...

Isn't "My Dick is Magic" to be the title of the first book in our "Horny Cotter" series about a young wizard who casts spells with his boner?

--it will be our best work since Lupus bombed...the key is to put a lot of extra 'h's in the word!

fiction is hard! said...

Wait, Lupus bombed?

"He waved his magic wand over her face, grunted the sacred words, and suddenly, the enchanted goo appeared upon her chin. 'Abracadabra,' Harrhy moaned."

Ih Mhiss Lhupus said...

Harry Lupus bombed because of two reasons: the silent majority of LC's readership is women, and women just don't like werewolves. Women don't like werewolves because they actually represent men as they are: uncouth, inarticulate, hairy, smelly, horny beasts.

Plus, in a werewolf transformation scene everything grows, stretches, tumesces: a werewolf is one big erection.

Women's fiction these days focuses on safely emasculated men (vampires without fangs), who can be sexual without being threatening.

Team Jahcob said...

Yep. The last commenter hit the nail on the head. Lupus's attempt to appeal to men was doomed from the start. We must give the "silent majority" what they want: in-depth coverage of Twilight: Eclipse and Sex and the City 2 (Chip: "OMG. Best. Summer. Movie. Season. Ever.").

putting the X in Sex! said...

Kay, so -- essentially --

What the ladies want is effeminized males who pose absolutely no threat to them in the slightest because they're basically girls with penises that will never be used because they're basically neutered men.

Wow. That's pretty fhucking pathetic. *laughs*

But that's chool. We can do Horny Cotter as a man with a flying birch flagpole that flames with his lusty desires and casts magical enchantments that still leave him very much unlaid. But, uh... could we at least get some hot lesbianos ahction in thHere so the male readers can at least learn of the magic clam and her power struggle against the vile hairy-chested erecto-werewolves who want to Fhuck properly!

--Who knew that women only liked sex... in IMAGINATIONLAND!

mystic cock said...

Not one fucking comment about this luscious Minnesotan or the unveiled Arab inching her way up the pole to liberation? Chip has often commented on how pretty some of these infidels might be under those veils, but he makes an astute point when he states, "but ya can't really see their beauty, because it's all covered up with the veil thing."

Werewolves suck...more than vampires do.

Mystic Visuals said...


...and get in on the whole furries sub-sculture. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hot fuzzy, animal loving was deemed to passe for this crowd.

Now we hafta Hot, Sweaty Clams and Enchanted Wizards sporting the Rod of Schwando in a delightful erotic romp that explores the playfulness in adolescent sex yarns. And magic. Fucking and Magic.

--It's like painting your dick orange and sticking it in the hat for the rabbit to nibble.

Through the Rabbit Hole? said...

...It sounded like a good sequel to My Dick is Magic?