Saturday, May 1, 2010

Richard Attends the Replay's "Roller Races!"

KC's "premier bicycle roller racing" club, KC Sprints, took over the Replay patio last night, proving once and for all that hipster and redneck culture can successfully mingle so long as it's centered around an event that's sufficiently ridiculous and encourages massive PBR consumption. Indoor bicycle roller racing consists of two stationary bikes mounted on-stage, facing each other and hooked to machinery that monitors their speed, with a large screen broadcasting the racers' progress to a drunken, cheering audience. Participants included a fair amount of KC regulars such as Shipwreck (a tough guy), Puky McGee (a lady known for her propensity to throw up after her "sprints"), and Voltron (a child). But locals were encouraged to get in on the action as well: for a mere two dollars anyone in the bar could challenge anyone else to a "grudge match," and numerous Replay bartenders and doormen got in on the action. There were also "special" races throughout the evening, most impressive being the "shirtless beer race" (dudes only, sadly), in which the racers' chugged a beer during the sprint. Sure, the MC's arsenal of sexist and homophobic jokes may have shocked a few Larryville liberals at first (an audible gasp arose when he referred to the first two female contestants as "bitches"), but the crowd soon seemed to convince themselves that his comments were sufficiently ironic (they weren't) to be enjoyed as part of the spectacle. "This is uncouth," said the Honorable Reverend H. when Puky McGee lived up to her name, retching for the delight of the cheering masses. "I think we should go to the Bourgeois Pig." But Richard did not go to the Pig. Readers, he was riveted, and did not leave until the last race was run.

Four out of four PBRs (in bottles, which seems the preferred choice of KC cyclists).

Pictured: Puky McGee feeling queasy after a race; two racers in a photo finish.

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