Sunday, May 30, 2010

Masturbate-a-Thon is Today / This Week in Local Sports Scandals: Blackmail!

Obviously, you bums are too drunk during Memorial Day to pay attention to what's going on here, but hopefully you won't forget that today is the Masturbate-a-Thon, the climactic (!) ending to National Masturbation Month. The boys have been too busy beating off to organize a local celebration like the many being held across the country (although Chip is said to be participating later in a small circle-jerk outside Quinton's), but luckily the interweb can bring all the action to you. According to the official Masturbate-a-Thon website, you can watch the events live later today:

http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/home.html

So please tune in, readers, and maybe you'll learn some new techniques (Chip: "Such as the counter-clockwise swirl.").

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Local conspiracy theorists believe that Athletic Director Lew Perkins' new allegations (that he's been a perpetual victim of blackmail) are simply a smokescreen to divert attention from KU's embarrassing ticket scandal. Other local talkbackers believe that Big Lew has been sticking his "crooked wanker" in the wrong places (perhaps with porn star and KU fangirl Sammy RyRy). We'll give the snarky talkback comment award to "thebcman":

"somebody probably had pictures of him doing something in the best interest of the university and threatened to release them."

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