Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Guest Columnist Dr. C's Ode to Female Masturbation / This Week in Local Sports Scandals

So moved was he by our recent coverage of National Masturbation Month that our old friend Dr. C took matters in hand (get it? get it?) and...penned this lovely "memoir" in which he reflects on the work of Joycelyn Elders and uses the phrase "a thousand gushing orgasms." Please enjoy, and if any of you silent and sexy lady readers are moved to submit graphic accounts of your own masturbatory fantasies or experiences, feel free. (Chip, please do not submit tales about beating off behind campus shrubbery). Here's Dr. C:

"The Examiner piece quoted earlier about the origins of Masturbation Month says it began in 1995, which may be so, but the controversy over Elders broke earlier--I remember it well. I had recently left the Colorado School of Mines (in no small part because there were no girls there) and transferred to the Denver campus of the University of Colorado. One day, before heading to class, I finished my tea while reading the newspaper and came across an article which was characteristic of the response to Elders' statement about masturbation. The article was focusing on a book she had recommended for school-age girls, and, having to be exceedingly vague the way a newspaper would have to be on this subject, it said that the book described "secret masturbation techniques" that a woman could practice anywhere and no one would know.

I was completely blown away. I had thought masturbation was something women only did in pornos (I remember this particularly fine one where a young woman is doing it with a long, slender candle (my obvious point of entry into the narrative), then gets caught by her mother, who first shows her how to do it better, then introduces her to this young stud whom they both do instead. But I digress). Now, not only do I learn that real women masturbate, but that they could be doing it in secret. All the time. I looked at the clock, realized I was late for my bus, but I could barely walk, let alone run, so I missed it. The next one came along, and I got on, and a woman adjusted herself in her seat and I thought, "She's masturbating!" I made it to class, but it was so hard to focus because every woman in the class was masturbating! And when I got out of class, I went downtown just before lunch hour, and it was a delight. The city pedestrian mall was full of young, professional women. Pencil skirts and jackets, white blouses gappy around their breasts. And the clickety-clack of their sensible heels on the concrete was the sound of them working themselves slowly, inexorably, into a thousand gushing orgasms.

I am sure that Joycelyn Elders' advocacy of sexual education has helped innumerable women to help themselves, an invaluable service to be sure, but what I thank her for is that boner-filled day in 1994, and all the boners I have enjoyed since at the thought that any woman, any where, at any time, could be masturbating."


As we write this, KU is poised to release the results of a major investigation into athletic ticket shenanigans (press conference slated to begin right!). Yahoo Sports offers this summary of the scandal:

"David Freeman, a Lawrence real estate developer who said he participated in the scheme, told Yahoo! Sports that he, former Kansas director of ticket operations Rodney Jones and high-profile alum Roger Morningstar – the father of Jayhawks guard Brady Morningstar – were following the instructions of the Pump brothers when the trio made hundreds of thousands of dollars scalping tickets during the 2002 and 2003 NCAA tournaments."

Richard: "Is there any way we can blame this chicanery on Big Lew or Joe College? Otherwise, I'm supremely uninterested."

Chip: "If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: NEVER listen to the Pump brothers. Look at them:


our women readers are boring said...

I thought today's comment section would be full of women sharing erotic tales, and yet there's no one in here but Chip, quietly rubbing one out.

come on, ladies! said...

In college a friend of mine revealed to me how she pleasured herself by riding a pillow. That five minute discussion remains one of the greatest and most worldview-altering moments of my brief existence. Much like the good Dr. C, I now think much differently about all of those pillows women love to pile on their beds!

Legs Akimbo, Ready to Party said...

I kinda lost my boner in the sheer volume of details.

And then I went out for some ice cream and watched hot, sweaty women make out after a long run. This sort of shit happens in college.

Unfortunately though, I think these two were gonna paint the fence, Piceses, and then scissor-fuck the night away while Van Halen played in the background.

--Although, if I was in that background, I would gladly go for the high score on Galaga to keep the column moving.