Wednesday, September 10, 2008

This Week in Campus News: Another Football Controversy? / This Week in International Physics News: Another Big Bang?

In the wake of the practice-field/pine trees debacle, the athletics department now faces another difficulty: how do they deal with the continuing, unwanted student-section chant of "Rip his fucking head off" during football games? As usual, Coach Mang.no denies all knowledge of the problem, while associate athletics director Jim Marchi.ny urges students to look into their hearts and find a smarter, less offensive chant. Certain players, on the other hand, enjoy the chant, insisting that even their grandmothers love to shout it. How do the boys feel?

Richard: "Personally, I fucking love profanity. But I admit that putting students together in a large pack frightens me. They're like wild animals, capable of anything, and I wouldn't be surprised if they actually descend on the field after our first loss and rip somebody's fucking head off themselves."

Chip: "Even the defenders of the chant don't understand the pure truth of it. It's not just an exaggeration meant to fire up the team. We really do wish that other players, especially Mizzou and K-State players, could be beheaded on the field for our enjoyment."


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Far away, in Geneva, tests began this week on a supercollider experiment eventually meant to recreate the conditions that existed just after the Big Bang. Some people (probably conspiracy theorists and those like Chip, who long for Armaggeddon) believe that "the collision of protons could eventually imperil the Earth by creating micro-black holes, subatomic versions of collapsed stars whose gravity is so strong they can suck in planets and other stars." (AP). Several Larryville professors and graduate students were in Geneva over the summer assisting in the project, while others stayed home and got arrested for attempting to make Ecstasy-type drugs in campus chemistry labs.

5 comments:

fermilab said...

I believe the Large Hardon Collider experiment is similar to the Larryville Chronicles experiment from a few years back, except it was Chip and Richard being accelerated by booze and then run into unsuspecting coeds. Apparently, there were quite few "strangelets" resulting from the collisions, and, rumor has it, Chip went home with a girl known in the alley behind the Replay as "Mini Black Hole." Good work, Chip!

spellcheck said...

Sorry - "Hadron" and "quite A few..."

hard-on collider! said...

Oh, your first spelling was much funnier!

Experiment One was actually nicknamed The Big Bang.

richard broadbent said...

Alas, the "Hardon Collider" sounds like a male gay porn movie title.

zach and miri said...

It sounds like a gay male porno set in the world of quantum physics! (starring 'Chip Calhoun' as "The Doctor"--one has to pay off college loans somehow).