Chip: "You know, a lot of college students think Quinton's has a ghost too. It's supposedly the spirit of a sorority girl who drank herself to death and often revisits Quinton's because it was her favorite bar. She's usually wearing a little black cocktail dress."
Richard: "Dude, I'd totally fuck that ghost! The Replay has its own ghost story too. Many believe it's haunted by a hipster who once killed himself because he missed seeing his favorite band there just before they hit it big. Just before closing you can sometimes spot him at the bar, reaching for a PBR that slips right through his hands. It's a sad thing."
Chip: "All this and a gate to hell just down the road at Stull! This is why I'm better off in the Fortttt."
But the Forttt is expecting another kind of visitation soon: the crew of a reality show that will eventually air on Howard St.rns Howard TV On Demand. According to the F.S. Tribune, "The concept of the show involves sending three Wack Pack members from different parts of the United States to Kansas to participate in farm activities at the home of Tom and Pat Chr.sty, the parents of Fort(tt) Scott(t) native Richard Chr.sty, who now works for St.rn."
Some community members are worried by the publicity. Chip, reached for comment atop a mechanical bull at Rusty's Bar, said: "Look. We're a simple people who spend our days lining up pennies in a parking lot to break world records. We don't need St.rn making us out to be a bunch of rubes."
The wait is finally over! After 14 years, New Kids on the Block are back with a new album, available today! The boys offer their thoughts on the first single: "Summertime."
Do you remember,
I'll never forget,
Touchin' your body all soakin' wet,
The water was cool,
The feelin' was hot,
Kissin' on you while the ocean rocked.
Chip: "The Kids' manage to sound simultaneously naive and experienced here. Playful and profound. Notice the pairing of opposites: 'cool and hot,' suggesting a transition from innocence to experience. You'll notice that he's not just kissin' her. He's kissin' on her. I'll bet he even bangs her! The immensity of the ocean in the background suggests a bigger picture unknown to these two kids fucking on a beach. This is one of their best works."
Richard: I totally agree. Take a look at these later verses:
And now I'm like,
Hey, girl, don't you know I miss it,
And I wonder if you miss it too,
Never thought it would end 'til it did,
Now, I'm here and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you.
The use of 'like' is genius here, allowing illiterate young listeners to connect to the song while also suggesting the speaker's youth as he looks back at this seminal moment of heartbreak from an adult perspective. He's not just missing that beach-fuck, but rather the whole of his childhood before the realization that present happiness is fleeting at best. This is really a powerful work of art on par with Proust's Remembrance of Things Past. And it's easier to listen to on an Ipod!"