Tuesday, August 19, 2008

This Week in Local News: Mass. Street Gets Drunker? / Plus, The Boys Discuss PBR! / Also: The Boys' Favorite Places: #6!

Larryville's city fathers meet tonight to discuss legislation that would allow several older Lawrence bars to construct outdoor drinking areas, much-desired by local businesses since the smoking ban went into effect.

Chip says: "I suppose it would be nice to sit outside the Red Lyon and sip an expensive beer, although it's dangerously close to the rabble that frequents the Replay. But the idea of a place like The TapRoom getting an outdoor drinking area scares me. Letting those pale-skinned hipsters out into the sunlight seems wrong. I hope the TapRoom at least builds a sort of 'pen' around the area, so that I can observe the freaks like they're animals in a zoo."


While drinking at the Replay on a recent evening, Richard spotted an interesting sign on the wall--"Get real. Get Pabst. Welcome back, students!"--which led him to wonder about PBR's current status as the preferred beer of hipsters.

Richard: "Drinking PBR is surely an affectation among younger drinkers. Somehow it became acknowledged as 'cool,' a signifier that one is 'real,' that one is just a regular-joe. But yet it's gone on so long now that some hipsters no longer consciously know it's an affectation. They honestly think that they like that swill! So does that somehow make it 'real,' after all?"

Chip: "Fuck these philosophical questions! No one likes PBR. But the real question raised by that sign is: 'Why would students opt to hang out with the underfed and possibly homeless denizens of the Replay when there's so many better places to go downtown?"

Richard: "And since when does the Replay go out of its way to court student business? There used to be a nice elitist undercurrent to the surface hospitality there which suggested 'We'll tolerate you fratty or hippie types so long as this is just a pit-stop on your pub crawl. But don't linger."


The boys favorite-places list rolls on today with #6: Richard raves about Miracle Video and Chip sings the praises of the Yacht Club.

Miracle Video:

Richard: "This is where Larryville residents go to get their porn films. Sure, they also have a very varied selection of regular DVD's and friendly employees who are actually knowledgeable about film (unlike at Hasting's), but everyone knows that porn is paying the bills here. Even with a wide world of often-free porn available on the internet, Miracle does a booming business. One has only to remain in the store for a few minutes to see numerous men, always alone, eyes downcast, enter the store and make a beeline for the swinging doors in back to peruse the fuck flicks. Has your humble narrator ever ventured back there? Maybe once, dear readers, long ago, for research purposes, at which point he encountered a familiar face, an acquaintance, another unassuming and upstanding local citizen like himself. They gave each other a polite nod, and chose not to compare their favorites or speak of the moment in later years as they met each other on the streets of Larryville except to occasionally nod knowingly, as if to say, 'Yeah, we're both worldly men who've seen a little porn. What of it?'

Chip: "Porn these days is all about the anal sex. But I don't think real people do that. Didn't God say not to do it in the butt?

The Yacht Club:

Chip: "As I've explained before, this place has the third hottest waitresses in town, several of whom are my former students. They think of me as a 'celebrity,' of sorts. My friend Cl.thier plays a gig here once a month and it's cool knowing a rock star. Also, one of the best moments of my life occurred here when I spotted Coach S.lf and chatted him up at the urinal while pretending to take a leak. He seemed really fond of me, in a frightened sort of way."

Richard: "It's the third closest bar to my apartment."


A mysterious stranger said...

Chip: "Porn these days is all about the anal sex."

--This is the most accurate recreation of Kip that the Chronicles has ever reproduced. Granted, Kip was referring to gay porn (some of which, research suggests, he may have starred in.... google: Kipper.)

don't disrespect me, i'm just keepin' it real said...

Chip has a very skewed idea about the hotness of local waitresses and bartendresses. He's still holding on to the antiquated notion that Jefferson's is stocked with nubile, supple, lithe young women waiting to serve you dinky 10 ounce beers. He's wrong. The Yacht Club ladies make the Jefferson's crew look like Omega Mu.

And count me in as one who hates the word "real." As if the rest of us are doing imaginary things - well, except for Chip, who gets that glazed look in his eye when ordering a bread bowl and Captain and Coke from a short-skirted Q's waitress. Oh, and "disrespect." That word is shit too.

Cap'n Disrespect said...

Word, Homey.

frank booth said...

"Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

Snowball190 said...

Chip: "But I don't think real people do that. Didn't God say not to do it in the butt?"
By "real" people, are you referring to the previously discussed hipsters at the Replay? or merely anybody that isn't a porn star? With all the sexual fantasies that occupy your convoluted gray matter, I can't really believe that you care what God says. I think you have probably engaged in anal sex while drunk on PBR and just didn't realize it.

Anonymous said...

Snowball --

I assume you mean that Kip took it in the rear, yes?

On many occasions, during the old Quinton's runs, many of us regulars debated Kip's status as one of the premiere 'dick cozies' for University hierarchy. Usually, he would just tense up, sip his captain and coke and neither agree nor refute any claims.

--I think we all know that Kip has known the intimacies of the pearl necklace

Anonymous said...

The fact that he was drinking a rum and coke, a notorious girly drink, confirms his possible enjoyment of bone smuggling and pearl adornments.

zz top said...

"She want a pearl necklace!"

jack of all hipsters said...

I know an erstwhile hipster who has forgotten that PBR is an affectation. He used to be too cool to put in any effort, but he's worn himself out. Now he's relaxed into a median cool point. He still strains himself to drink PBR sometimes, but mostly he drinks vino.

jackie treehorn said...

Oh, and there's plenty of vaginal and oral porn for those who are interested.

What's gone are story, character, and 3D.

barely legal, 3-D! said...

Perhaps with the resurgence of 3-D in theaters and the increased "mainstreaming" of porn, forces will one day converge to bring some hot porn to a theater near you!

Anonymous said...

So Chip is gay, right?

Because I want him.

I want to fuck. him. up.