Two Things to Do Today! / Plus, Harry Lupus!

Before we get to the newest installment of Lupus (in which his creator revisits his creation), let us remind you of two important things going on today:

1) Episode two of "The Cougar" airs tonight. Here's the summary from TV Land's website: "The guys must design a custom workout regimen to help the Cougar stay in shape."

Chip: "This is essential. One can't have a cougar with a fat ass."

2) Flight of the Dodos at the Replay: Yes, it's a Flight of the Conchords cover band, hipsters! But didn't the Conchords reach the peak of their hipness a year or so ago? Or do hipsters find the mediocre season season to be even hipper in its unfunniness? Maybe you'll learn the answers tonight.

Richard: "Oh, I hope they play "Sugarlumps!"


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What the shit is this fuck? thought Richard, perusing Dr.X's last installment of Lupus. How did my meticulous, sentence-at-a-time, exploration of adolescent horror fiction give rise to this...metanarrative? And, more importantly, how did Harry and the gang end up on a boat? And, more important yet, has there ever been a werewolf tale set at sea before? Perhaps Dr. X is onto something, after all, Richard thought, and he decided to pursue the tale briefly himself before handing the reigns back over to Dr. C, Cl.thier, and Dr. X.

Yes, Harry was at sea, adrift. Or perhaps this is some maritime metaphor for his limbo-like existence between boy and wolf. At any rate, the soft waves sucked gently at the sides of his dinghy (as Dr. X might say: That's a sexual innuendo, bitches!).

"Bring me a beer, Queequeg!" Harry yelled at K!p, having decided to refer to his crew with the names of Moby Dick characters. "And not a Coor's Silver Bullet! Those hurt me, for some reason."

Harry's parents (for he does have parents and is not the kind of orphan character commonly found in authors such as Dickens, to which we aspire) had warned him that being on a boat was dangerous these days, because the seas were fully of Somali pirates (ah, a topical reference!). Harry refrained from explaining to his parents that he could very easily transform into a wolf and rip out the throat of any pirate that boarded his dinghy and, besides, the only person likely to board his dinghy on this particular seafaring excursion was Muffy, who at this very moment was staring moodily at a school of dolphins.

"Son of a bitch, I'm sick of these dolphins," muttered Harry, in a hilarious reference to a hipster film involving one Steve Zissou, a film which none of his crewmates had seen because they spent most of their time reading teenage werewolf fiction, which presented a rosy, romantic picture of the young wolflife which was quite at odd's with the actuality of Harry's own tormented existence.

Watching Muffy watch the dolphins, he felt his boner rising.

"Harry," said Muffy. "These dolphins are making me horny. Are we gonna fuck or what?"

"Call me Ishmael," Harry said. "But, yes, we are going to fuck."

And as we draw to a close and the sun sets over the sea and Muffy slips out of her bikini, this appears to be yet another installment that has very little to do with werewolves at all. But the dolphins were nice, didn't you think?