Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Two Things to Do Today! / Plus, Harry Lupus!

Before we get to the newest installment of Lupus (in which his creator revisits his creation), let us remind you of two important things going on today:

1) Episode two of "The Cougar" airs tonight. Here's the summary from TV Land's website: "The guys must design a custom workout regimen to help the Cougar stay in shape."

Chip: "This is essential. One can't have a cougar with a fat ass."

2) Flight of the Dodos at the Replay: Yes, it's a Flight of the Conchords cover band, hipsters! But didn't the Conchords reach the peak of their hipness a year or so ago? Or do hipsters find the mediocre season season to be even hipper in its unfunniness? Maybe you'll learn the answers tonight.

Richard: "Oh, I hope they play "Sugarlumps!"


What the shit is this fuck? thought Richard, perusing Dr.X's last installment of Lupus. How did my meticulous, sentence-at-a-time, exploration of adolescent horror fiction give rise to this...metanarrative? And, more importantly, how did Harry and the gang end up on a boat? And, more important yet, has there ever been a werewolf tale set at sea before? Perhaps Dr. X is onto something, after all, Richard thought, and he decided to pursue the tale briefly himself before handing the reigns back over to Dr. C, Cl.thier, and Dr. X.

Yes, Harry was at sea, adrift. Or perhaps this is some maritime metaphor for his limbo-like existence between boy and wolf. At any rate, the soft waves sucked gently at the sides of his dinghy (as Dr. X might say: That's a sexual innuendo, bitches!).

"Bring me a beer, Queequeg!" Harry yelled at K!p, having decided to refer to his crew with the names of Moby Dick characters. "And not a Coor's Silver Bullet! Those hurt me, for some reason."

Harry's parents (for he does have parents and is not the kind of orphan character commonly found in authors such as Dickens, to which we aspire) had warned him that being on a boat was dangerous these days, because the seas were fully of Somali pirates (ah, a topical reference!). Harry refrained from explaining to his parents that he could very easily transform into a wolf and rip out the throat of any pirate that boarded his dinghy and, besides, the only person likely to board his dinghy on this particular seafaring excursion was Muffy, who at this very moment was staring moodily at a school of dolphins.

"Son of a bitch, I'm sick of these dolphins," muttered Harry, in a hilarious reference to a hipster film involving one Steve Zissou, a film which none of his crewmates had seen because they spent most of their time reading teenage werewolf fiction, which presented a rosy, romantic picture of the young wolflife which was quite at odd's with the actuality of Harry's own tormented existence.

Watching Muffy watch the dolphins, he felt his boner rising.

"Harry," said Muffy. "These dolphins are making me horny. Are we gonna fuck or what?"

"Call me Ishmael," Harry said. "But, yes, we are going to fuck."

And as we draw to a close and the sun sets over the sea and Muffy slips out of her bikini, this appears to be yet another installment that has very little to do with werewolves at all. But the dolphins were nice, didn't you think?


Dr. X, adrift at sea! said...

And is that Douglas Adams reference at the end!?

*laughs*. And what happened to Dr. X? And Dr. X's Hoes? And what of the hipster zombies? And will Harry go back to school soon? And what do we know of Blagojevich... the much discussed (on facebook) but little seen nemesis!?!

--This thing is getting to even less answers than Lost?!?

Blago! said...

I assume all these questions (and more) will be solved in Dr. C's next installment, which is rumored to feature...elastic pants!

cl.thier said...

I heard on Harrypedia that Blago's status as nemesis is up in the air due to his desire to be on a project with, in his agent's words, "More cultural 'oomph'." That project?

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

I anticipate Harry gleefully slitting the throat of one Ron Dragojevich very soon!

fun with pseudonyms! said...

Or perhaps it's Rob Dlagojevich whose throat is sliced open...too early to tell.

harrypedia said...

Yes, we do need to compile a guide to the Harryverse, helping to explain some of its more difficult terminology, such as:

"What the shit is this fuck?"

Just sayin... said...

A return to straightforward jokes? Thank you, Richard. (I think your installments are always the funniest!)

the other writers said...

"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Please be more constructive with your feedback. Is it because I rap about reality?"

An Evening with Ronald Moore said...

We had straightforward jokes?

When did this shit happen?

How could it? We were releasing the thing one sentence at a time. I'm fairly certain that self-referential, meta-reflexive, horribly convoluted socio-political commentary was always our intention. Bitches!

--Dr. X

More importantly! said...

Don't these chumpsteaks know that you write ALL the different personalities, Tricky Dick?! *Pshh* Does the core Noggle reader not understand how difficult it is to capture the sheer vulgar of Dr. X, or to portray Kip as a doughy land mass with intentions on chicken-fucking a waitress? And what of Dr. C's madness? Or Cl0th!er's poetry!?!

--This shit is difficult for one (theoretical) man to write!

the real issue said...

What happened on The Cougar last night!?

Damned Tivo! said...

Oh hell,

I forgot to watch the Cougar because I was watching Caprica! Did she mount a many men yet?

--Let's get a report out on this immediately!

bobcat #1 said...

Sadly, I missed it too, but I believe TV Land repeats it every other hour, in between episodes of Andy Griffith and the Beaver.

"Geez, Aunt Bee, do you think I'll ever bone a cougar?"

honey bea! said...

Aunt Bea is the Original Cougar!

Dr. X, possibly back from the 5th Dimension said...

This is the most important post on the LC in many moons! So, let me reiterate my hate for all things twilight-related and for any jack-fuck that wants us to take Harry Lupus seriously!

We will get rich on our terms, bitches! Know it, and sit on it, Potsie. We bring the flavor on our (meaning Richard's) own terms. Anything less is a compromise you insalubrious fucks will have to pay for when we take this shit to the local mutha fucking bank and shake the shit from our wallets!

Hoes, baby... It's all about Hoes!

--And Raz-ma_taz!!

the Fonz said...

Harry Lupus has jumped the shark!