Richard Looks Ahead to a Historic Hipster Reunion Show / Plus, the Boys Begin a Collaborative Poetry Project!

Richard: "Generally, we hipsters are not a fan of reunion shows. Take the Pixies recent reunion tour, for instance. Sure, the Pixies were a defining band for a lot of us hipsters ("Surfer Rosa changed my life, man"), but that doesn't mean an original fan is going to shell out 40 bucks to see them back onstage, older, fatter, richer, and surrounded by a bunch of younger fans who only recently jumped on the bandwagon. Reunion shows are about nostalgia, and nostalgia is not for hipsters. Hipsters are generally all about the here-and-now, the flavor of the moment. Nostalgia is for aging yuppies shelling out big bucks to see Bruce Springsteen play arenas. Your 'glory days' are over, yuppies! Start listening to 'adult contemporary' and stop trying to be the 'cool dad.' Your kids are never going to understand the importance of the Nebraska album. They're into Avenged Sevenfold and Scary Kids Scaring Kids, and that's understandable, aside from the fact that those bands are awful and your kids will grow up just as boring as you. But, back to the point, there are occasions when reunion shows appeal to hipsters, and that's the reunion of a band (especially a local band) that was never popular to begin with but should have been. And one of those occasions is this week, when PAW hits the Bottleneck on Saturday. For those of you who are uncool, PAW released an album called Dragline on A & M in 93, got some MTV play, and were thought by many to be the next big thing in "grunge" (a movement that revolved as much around flannel shirts and depression as music and which most of today's hipsters now find only slightly less embarrassing than "alt country" but nonetheless okay to celebrate again for one-night only when PAW plays). If you go to this show (and do NOT go to this show if you were not around Lawrence during the heydey of PAW, which rules me out, damn it!), here are some things you might want to say: "It's just sad that Pearl Jam is still around and PAW is all but forgotten" or "Sure, Cobain, wrote some nice tunes, but Mark Hennessey is a better writer, without question."

[Note: There was actually a PAW reunion earlier this summer, at Wakurasa, but it doesn't count, since no self-respecting hipster would have dare attended).


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Inspired by a recent entry, the boys have begun work on some poems centering around Quinton's and their favorite waitresses. All of our readers are poets in one way or another, and we ask you, kind readers, to send us a few verses in the 'comments' section which we can later arrange into a beautiful mosaic celebrating the life, love, and lust that centers around Q's (anything that uses the word "nubile" gets special consideration).

The Reviews Are In (Again!) / Plus: Chip's Pick of the Day

With the LC gaining readers at the rate of...two or three every few months, it's time to check in on what fans are saying about their second favorite local cultural blog (after The Rathaus). And this time we're using quotes that are not even made up!

Dr. X: [The LC is] "some manner of art from which I derive pleasure."

Trix: "It's just dark enough for me to enjoy without feeling bad about it."

Rev. H: "You're going to the Get Down Town Fest? But I thought you made fun of that?"

Iain (aka King Tosser): "Do not confuse yourself with your persona."

Chip: "Could you please kill my character off or "send me back to my home planet" like Poochy on The Simpsons?"

Richard: "I'm actually getting a little tired of doing a comic blog. I feel like writing more about my hopes and dreams. And maybe a poem or two. And some odes to girls I have crushes on and such. Like that tramp from Quinton's."

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Chip's pick of the day: "Folks, don't forget that Ani Difranco is at Liberty Hall tonight. Personally, I'm scared to go, because she's 'political' and 'feminist,' which are two things I don't like to find in my 'art.' It's like finding a fly in my oatmeal. Gross! I also suspect she might share a lot of her 'beliefs' between songs, which I find to be a nuisance. I prefer a singer to sing the songs exactly as he or she recorded them. That way I feel comfortable during the performance. A few brief asides are okay, such as telling me that my town rocks the hardest or perhaps politely introducing the band members while I politely pretend they matter. Anyway, the point is that Ani tends to attract a lot of lesbians, so the show might be worth checking out."

"Yes for Transit": The "T" Battle Rages On / Plus, The Boys Recommend an Out-Of-Town Event!

With only a few weeks to go before local voters decide the fate of the "T," supporters and opponents of local transit continue to wage war in the editorial pages. Also, local transit officials recently stepped forward with surprising new figures regarding a recent surge in ridership--if they are to be believed, every person in Larryville suddenly rides the T (approximately) twice a day! Today's front-page muckraking LJ-World story, however, paints a different picture. It took poor Chad Lawh.rn from 7:52 a.m to 10:56 a.m to navigate nearly-deserted buses from 19th and Haskell to 27th and Alabama to the 6th street Hy-Vee (possibly slightly better than traveling by horse-and-buggy).

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The boys tend to stick close to Larryville for important cultural events such as last night's Oktoberfest (Richard: "What kind of rinky-dink operation runs out of the good beer by 8:30 and sells me Miller Lite? If I wanted to drink cheap American beer, I'd have stayed at the EastSide Block Party! I give this festival one-and-a-half sausages, tops"). However, an event in Wamego, Kansas, is going to be hard to pass up. It happens next weekend, it's called OZ-toberfest, and it offers a chance to meet some of the original munchkins from The Wizard of Oz! (www.visitwamego.com)

Chip: "These little fuckers are even more hilarious in their 80's. I can't recommend this event highly enough!"

Richard: "I prefer them to Oompa-Loompas, hands-down!"

The Boys Consider "Banned Books Week!"

First off, Larryville is in the midst of its own literary festival today--the River City Reading Festival--which raises the question: Since when is Larryville known as River City? Author Thomas Frank, author of the hugely popular What's Wrong With Kansas? is in town for the event, and Chip is expected to attend and answer Frank's titular question with a resounding: "Outside of Larryville, nothing is wrong with Kansas, my good sir!"

But primarily the boys are looking ahead, to the annual event known as "Banned Books Week" which kicks off on Monday, a celebration of our freedom to read what we want, when we want (during a designated week).

Chip: "This is such an anti-authoritarian event. It's obviously an attempt to 'stick it to the Man' by reading something He doesn't want us to read. But perhaps these books are banned for a good reason. For instance, Robie Harris's perpetually controversial guide to puberty, It's Perfectly Normal [#1 on the ALA's list of banned books of 06] attempts to describe a process that should be left for adolescents to figure out for themselves. It's so interesting to suddenly wake up and discover 'hair where there was no hair before,' as it's so well put in the Fuzzy Bunny educational videos. Why spoil the surprises?"

Richard: "Every year during Banned Book week I read a new title from the lists of frequently-banned books. This year it's The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things by Carolyn Mackler. I think it's primarily intended for little fat girls, but I assume we can all learn a few things from it."

Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day / Plus, the Boys Think About "Community"

Occasionally shows appear in town which are so hip that no one even knows about them until a few hours beforehand, such as a just announced Replay gig tonight featuring a side project ("1,000,000 Light Years") of one of the fellows in Fourth of July. Seeing such a show means that you are on the very cutting edge of Larryville hipsterati. While the shows are virtually guaranteed to suck, the cultural leverage they give you is priceless. Formerly a solo keyboard project, the new lineup at this gig promises an expansion "to include the infamous Steve "Say My Name" Swyers on sampler, bells and keys along with Curtis "Candlepants" McCoy of the now-on-hiatus minimalist free jazz trio "Free All Beats" playing auxiliary percussion." The Myspace lists Bela Bartok as an influence, so if you go, make sure to pepper your commentary with ideas about his continuing importance.

Cl.thier: "I may not use any bells, but my shows feature more drunken sorostitutes!"

Chip: "Damn, now I'm torn. I hate the Replay, but I love bleepy-blippy Casio stuff!"


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"Community." What does it mean to the boys? Richard just wrote a 200-page dissertation about it, but for him it exists mostly in theory, as he's primarily an angry loner at heart. Chip, on the other hand, believes it fully exists in Forttt Scottt, where the locals are bound together through their passion for lining pennies up on the ground and their suspicion of "liberals" and "book-learning." But if one wants to find "community" in Larryville, one need look no further than East Lawrence, which just claimed "best community" in the Lawrencian's "Best of Lawrence" poll. This Saturday, East Larryville denizens will come together at a block party to celebrate their uniqueness with cakewalks, anarchist cookouts, and a lot of talk about kickball and communal gardening. While many of the partygoers are weak and emaciated from their two week attempts to "eat local," fun is predicted for all, along with a lot of talk about the East Side People's Market. So come on out and join this celebration of old-fashioned community during a time of increasing societal discord (unless, of course, you're not from East Lawrence...in which case you can celebrate in your own, lesser community, style, such as when the North Lawrencians go to Johnny's Tavern and cry about how the city fathers have forsaken them...or when the West Lawrencians get together and roll around in big, tastefully decorated, rooms full of money.

The Boys' Picks of the Day: "Theology on Tap" at Henry's Upstairs and "Big Trouble in Little China" at 80's Neon Dance Night!

Larryville's hippest Christians have begun meeting on Thursday afternoons at Henry's Upstairs to "rap" about all things theological (and knock back some brews!) in an informal, upscale atmosphere: the event is called "Theology on Tap." Will the boys attend?

Richard: "I find that, when I'm hammered, my views on religion become especially loud and important. This is a nice idea."

Chip: "In Forttt Scottt, we prefer our boozing and our religion to be kept separate. Sure, we might get shitfaced in the parking lot at Rusty's Bar until 4:00 a.m on a Sunday morning, but we'll be at church a few hours later to promise we won't do it again. But to tell you the truth, I don't mind this "Theology on Tap" thing. It seems like there's always some loudmouthed hipster bonehead at Henry's or the Pig wanting to talk about these things (some of the hipsters call Jesus the "J-Dog") and maybe by limiting these discussions to the afternoons we can keep the evenings free to discuss things more suited to bar conversation. Like sports...and pussy."

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Larryville's long-running 80's retro DJ dance party, Neon, kicks off a new feature tonight in which 80's films will be screened prior to the dancing. The first film: Big Trouble in Little China.

Richard: "I want you to think about this seriously for just a second. Big Trouble was released in 86, a full four or so years before most of these sweet little asses grinding away on the dancefloor were even born. If that doesn't make you feel old, my fellow hipsters, I don't know what will. But, as for me, I can still remember when the old Pork Chop Express rolled its way through theaters and into my heart, so I can assure you I'll show up at the 'Neck tonight and see if I can impress the ladies with my knowledge of Kurt Russell and John Carpenter films, but I expect to be greeted mostly by lines such as this: "I thought Rob Zombie directed Halloween?"

The Boys Consider "Found Art" and "Sustainable Seafood"

This weekend the Lawrence Public Library is hosting a "found art" contest. Will the boys enter it?

Chip: "Just because you find something interesting and call it "art" does not make it art. My dog finds all kinds of interesting shit and drags it up the house for me to look at, but it's not art."

Richard: "I prefer the type of "found art" where you combine random things. For this competetion, I've found a female mannequin in a dumpster downtown and I've plastered the Sex on the Hill campanile-sex picture across its face. I believe it makes an important statement about...oh, let's say...the inchangeability of sexual fantasies or some shit like that. I just want that prize money!"

Chip: "Dude, that mannequin is hot!"

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While Chip has often longed for more fried-chicken options in town, local "foodies" with more sophisticated palates have long hoped for a nice seafood restaurant in our land-locked college town. Now they've gotten their wish. Angler's, a "sustainable seafood" restaurant, has just opened its doors downtown ("We use only fish and shellfish that are caught in environmentally and ecologically responsible ways."--www.anglersseafood.com).

Richard: "Down south, we've long-practiced an environmentally sound fishing technique called 'noodling' for catfish, in which you stick your arm down a hole and a catfish latches on to it and you grab its gills and haul it out of the water. But Angler's thinks it's too upscale to serve catfish. They won't be getting my business, no matter how nice they treat their fish."

Chip: "Long John Silver's is going to be pretty hard to beat in terms of seafood, if you ask me. We'll see how long Angler's lasts."

The Boys Consider the Get Down Town Festival

With generous extra funding from the city fathers, Lawrence's Get Down Town Festival has expanded to two full days this year (Oct. 3 and 4) in hopes that someone might actually notice it. The festival even has its own website and mascot (www.getdowntownlawrence.com)

Chip: "I find this mascot very offensive. Just look at that fucking hippie, would you, with his big shoes stretched forward as if to trample the squares in his path. Most of us do not go around flashing peace signs. And most of do not "get down" in the streets. We do our dancing in places that are meant for dancing, like at wedding receptions, or when there's a DJ at Abe and Jake's and the sorority girls are grinding, as the kids do these days."

Richard: "I thought one of the purposes of expanding was to bring in some big-name national acts to this festival. Am I the only one who remembers that Wilco was playing in the streets here just four months ago!? And the best this festival can do is Ivan Neville and Dumpstaphunk. Ivan is not even the coolest of the Neville Brothers!"

A Sex on the Hill Controversy?!

According to today's UDK, a few readers took issue to the following picture in last week's Sex on the Hill issue which shows two students engaging in a special kind of "study session" in the Campanile. The readers were offended not by the content of the photo, but by the fact that the Campanile is a World War II monument that should not be disgraced by this sort of behavior. The UDK's editor addressed the charges today, explaining that no one involved in the paper knew what the hell the Campanile actually was.

Richard: "Yeah, I didn't know either. I thought it was just a tall, cylindrical, hollow structure that mysteriously plays a song every once in awhile. Sure, I've always wanted to bang a sorostitute in there."

Chip: "I imagine it's phallic look certainly arouses many observers."

A Chip-Tip: "Click the photo for an enlarged view of...Fraser Hall across the way."

The Long-Awaited Return of the Boys' Country Corner! / Plus, Richard Prepares Some Questions for his Replay Bartendress!

One of the most popular recent features here at the LC was the boys' "Country Corner," where Richard and Chip turn their considerable powers of cultural analysis to country music. Today, it's back! The topic: Keith Anderson's "Pickin' Wildflowers":

Hey Daisy don't you worry 'bout your mama,
Like 007 we can keep it covert.
Undercover on the ground by the water
Gonna get a little peace... on earth.

Chorus:
Baby whatcha say we go pickin' wildflowers?
Got a spot way back in the woods.
Sneak away for a couple of hours,
You and me baby, pickin' wildflowers.

Hey baby, Mother Nature is waitin'
And love's bloomin' like a cherry tree.
Let's buzz around, maybe do some pollenating,
Dive on in like honey bees.

Richard: "The first chorus here is exceptionally clever. Note the pause after "peace," allowing the listener to think the speaker simply means "piece of ass." But instead we're misled, and the speaker follows with a phrase that carries certain religious connotations ("peace on earth, goodwill toward men"). The link between religion and sex cuts right to the heart of country fans, who enjoy both church and fucking in equal measure."

Chip: "Notice that the girl's name is "Daisy," like a flower, and the song later uses a lot of 'pollination' imagery. And people say country music is not smart! This reminds me very much of an Emily Dickinson poem: "To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee, -/One clover, and a bee,/And revery./The revery alone will do/If bees are few." Is 'revery' suggesting masturbation here?"

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Richard: "Tonight should mark my first encounter with my Sunday night bartendress since spotting her advertisement in Sex on the Hill a few days back (scroll down to view...or to re-view!). I have so many things to ask, such as: Do you really like to get spanked?; Do you think I could spank you sometime? (if you're very naughty!); are you wearing that kind of underwear right now?; is that N.nda spanking you? does she really like to give spankings?; do you think she'd like to spank me sometime? (if I'm very naughty!); or is all of this just a harmless and untrue advertisement meant to make us horny and thirsty for Replay and Jackpot beers?

Richard's Hipster (?) Pick of the Weekend / Plus, The Boys' Book Club Returns!

Richard: "No band confuses local hipsters more than Drakkar Sauna. It seems natural to love them, since they sing about 'the old, weird America' with suitably esoteric lyrics: “You need a spear for when the bear comes / Or a spear for when the bears come / Either way you’ll need one.” But the problem is that hippies also like them due to their many Winfield and other festival appearances. And this seems to make them inherently uncool. Their Replay patio show tomorrow seems designed to appeal to both kinds of fans. The evening is slated to include "a short film by William H.swell," which is exactly the sort of mysterious promotion that attracts local hipsters, who can use it as impressive, insider info at the TapRoom later in the week: "Haswell's new short film is really powerful. You mean you haven't seen it yet?" But the other bands (or at least their names) seem likely to attract a less desirable element: the openers are called Tater and Craig and a band called Podunk (Chip: "I have buddies in Forttt Scottt named Tater and Craig!").


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The boys have mostly been reading Sex on the Hill lately (Chip says he's beat off more to this edition than any one since 2002), but they're also excited about Brisingr, the third book in Christopher Paolini's Eragon series.

Chip: "I'm so tired of little-girl vampire books, so this is a nice change. I've really grown quite fond of these 'boy and his dragon' tales. They're essentially about a farmboy who flies around on a dragon, and they carry on a proud tradition of 'boy and his dog' and 'boy and his horse' tales, except it's a dragon. Instead of a dog or a horse."

Richard: "There were apparently midnight release parties for this just as there are for Harry Potter and the Twilight books. Except I don't think anyone noticed."

Now with Picture: Richard Reviews Hipster Rock Shows: Oh, Jenny! / Plus, Richard Issues a Reminder / Also, the Word "Nubile" Returns to the Blog!

Richard's brief Jenny Lewis review: "I have never before wanted to bang a woman in overalls as much as I did last night. In fact, I've never wanted to bang a woman in overalls before at all. In Romance, women in overalls do NOT look like Jenny Lewis."

Highlights: The Granada capitalizes on the uber-hipster crowd with a PBR special and Jenny drinks them on stage; "Rise Up With Fists" gets dedicated to Sarah Palin, without further commentary ("I will rise up with fists, and I will take what's mine mine mine.").

Downside: Richard doesn't get to bang Jenny Lewis.

Verdict: 3 and a half PBRS!

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Richard: "Don't forget the freeze-in-place performance art piece tomorrow before the football game. I plan to infiltrate a tailgating party and suddenly freeze with a beer halfway to my lips. It's going to freak out the Man, so much!"

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The monthly Lawrencian is a low-rent version of Lawrence.com, but the boys nevertheless keep an eye on its annual "Best of Lawrence" polls. Earlier in the summer we asked you to vote for Richard and/or Chip as "best local character," and perhaps you did. If so, we thank you. Even so, we did not get enough votes to win. Who did?

Well, White Owl, of course.

Richard: "White Owl is cool and all but I feel like we've seen what he has to offer. He dances funny. He shouts outside Wescoe. He screws nubile young coeds. Who doesn't?"

Chip: "I voted for that dude who pushes the baby carriage up and down Mass. Street with a doll in it ."

Richard: "You mean Dennis?"

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For Cl.thier, here's my attempt at rock photography! Her eyes are normally much nicer!

Sex on the Hill Has Arrived! / Plus, Some Sad Larryville News: The Gaslight is Closing!

Today is one of the boys' favorite days of the year: the special Sex on the Hill insert has made its semesterly appearance in the university paper! This special section arguably reached its climax (get it!) a few years back when our friendliest Quinton's waitress published an in-depth piece on faking orgasms, but today marks a pretty good return to form with amusing pictures of simulated student-fucking and hard-hitting articles with titles like "Oral Sex Provides Favor For Partner." One particularly amusing piece follows four young ladies as they discuss (a la Sex and the City) their various sexploits (such as sex in the Chi Omega Fountain).

Sex on the Hill is oft-noted for its amusing advertisements in which local businesses "sex it up," and Richard is especially pleased by this ad for the Replay and Jackpot (click to enlarge!):



Richard: "Dude, the chick getting spanked is totally the girl that pours my Boulevard Wheats every Sunday afternoon! I thought she was so innocent! And I think the chick spanking her may be Nanda, looking very Scarlett Johannsen-y. I went to a party at her house once! I have imagined this scenario so many times!"

Chip is expected to be at the Sex on the Hill party at Abe and Jake's tonight, while Richard is opting for the Jenny Lewis concert instead (Richard: "Sure, the crowd at Abe and Jake's will be sexier, but in my mind Jenny and I will be the only ones in the room at the Granada").

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In less pleasant news, the Gaslight Tavern (North Larryville's home for hippies and freaks and tunes) is closing later this fall due to "extenuating circumstances.

Chip: "Once, as I was going into Johnny's, I saw a punk festival happening there. I can't even tell you how scared I was!"

Richard: "I vow to party on the North side a few more times before this sad day is upon us."

The Boys Check in With Their Friendly Fellow Bloggers of The Rathaus! / Plus, Richard Thinks About Jenny Lewis and Chip Looks Ahead to the Weekend!

In an interesting recent entry at The Rathaus (www.therathaus.com), the writers declare their love for local street art and offer an example they discovered near the corner of 7th and New Hampshire:



Chip: Now THIS is art I can get behind. I think it makes a powerful statement about the need to break down barriers of all kinds in society."

Richard: "It's all right. Basically it's just the Kool-Aid guy. But I assume it's better than the university's "Biodiversity Is..." art exhibit that opens today at the Natural History museum. The only reason to go there is to check out Comanche, the horse that survived Custer's last stand."

Chip: "That thing is still alive?"

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Richard: "Now that the Avetts have come and gone, thrilling us with a three-PBR performance of rollicking North Carolina-style twang, it's time to think about Jenny Lewis, who's coming to the Granada tomorrow. Lewis is important partly because she's currently injecting some much-needed sex appeal into a genre where most bands look alike and are full of scrawny, artsy young men. When a sensitive young hipster is (sensitively) banging his girlfriend, there's a decent chance he's fantasizing about Jenny Lewis*. And if he cries after the act (as sensitive young hipsters sometimes might), he's probably crying because, instead of Jenny Lewis, he's banging a bespectacled, awkward young woman who works part-time for a local non-profit organization and thinks she's "making a difference." Now don't get me wrong here. We hipsters certainly prize Jenny Lewis for her work (as both frontwoman of Rilo Kiley and her twangy-project with the Watson twins), but just because we respect her doesn't mean we don't want to bend her over the drum set(personally, I want to bang her and the Watson Twins all together). The only downside of her Larryville performance is that she's touring with her boyfriend, an earnest young singer-songwriter in his own right whose songs only serve to remind us hipster guys that he's fucking Jenny Lewis and we're not."

*the hipsters who are not fantasizing about Lewis are probably fantasizing about Zooey Deschanel, the sexier half of M. Ward's pop-duo She and Him (why couldn't it be she and me? or I? whichever is grammatically correct).



Cl.thier: "Look at her, luring me to her show with that apple!"

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Chip: "Folks, let me just remind you all that the third weekend of September is one of the best weekends to be in Larryville. Why? Because all the dirty hippies are out of town in Winfield and the squares once again rule the city, as God intended. It's a rare weekend when even I stay in town instead of heading to the farm, and I plan to take in the football game on Saturday. Don't let the performance art ruin the day for you. Remember: it's just art. It's not important. Ignore it and hopefully it will go away."

The Boys Eat Local! / Plus, Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day / Also: Chip's Song of the Week!

As many as 100 Larryvillians are currently involved in a two-week "eat local challenge" in which they try to make sure that at least four out of five meals are locally grown and produced.

Chip: "Unless Papa Keno grows all his pizza in town, I ain't participating."

Richard: "I tend to eat four out of five meals at Local Burger anyway, so I guess I'm participating after all."

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Richard's pick of the night: The Avett Brothers at Liberty Hall

"There was a time, not so long ago, when hipsters hopped aboard the alt-country train and could occasionally even be seen donning cowboy hats at local shows. Of course, these hipsters quickly realized that they (and most of the singers) were total posers. Their daddies were not coal miners. Most of them had never tasted moonshine. So they quit going to these shows and stayed home instead listening to Harry Smith's Anthology of American Folk Music, taking comfort in its "purity." A few aging hipsters, such as myself and Matt Cl.thier, however, continue to find something in these bands (with their banjos and their upright basses) that we feel is missing in soulless bands like The Postal Service. For us, the blips of a Casio cannot compete with the twang of a mandolin, and although we hate the fact that many of our beloved bands have been embraced by hippie jamband festivals which force them to stretch out their songs from three to thirty-three minutes (of incessant noodling), we would not think of missing a show like the Avett Brothers, which will feature some of the best-written songs the genre has heard in some time, performed raucously. If you can't appreciate a song like "The Ballad of Love and Hate", you're probably a frat-boy asshole."

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Chip's song of the week: Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"

Chip: "This was obviously the feel good hit of the summer. Just look:

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

What I enjoy most about this song is that it makes me think of girls kissing each other."

Performance Art vs. KU Football! / Plus, Even More Local Art News!

This Saturday, the student advisory board of the Spencer Museum is seeking volunteers and plans to mount a large-scale performance art piece (twice) around the stadium before the football game. Volunteers will "freeze" in place for a time, with the goal being:

To make our audience ask questions!
To challenge existing concepts of time!
To suggest that some answers may be revealed in the Spencer's Time/Frame exhibition! [press release info].

Richard: "Dude, I'm totally participating! This is going to freak people the fuck out! It'll be like that scene in The Day The Earth Stood Still where the earth stood still! And I'm not talking about the sure-to-suck Keanu Reeves remake here. I'm talking about the awesome one!"

Chip: "I suspect that most people there will be too drunk to notice. And the ones that do notice will simply remark that it's "gay" and go on with their tailgating."

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This week, the university is pimping its new database called "From the Ground Up," described as "a searchable database for researchers where they may construct and explore image collections to discover relationships between regional culture and subjects in the humanities... The mapping feature shows the user where a piece is located and, in many cases, the actual landscapes that inspired the pieces."

Chip: "If I want to look at a painting of landscape, I don't need to see the actual land itself. And if I'm looking at an actual landscape, I certainly don't want to see art, do I? If I wanted to see art, I wouldn't be outside looking at a goddamned landscape, would I?"

Richard: "This effort to meld the sciences and the humanities is apparently all the rage in Larryville right now, as witnessed also by the recent Percolator exhibit combining cloud paintings with lectures on meteorology by local Channel 6 weatherperson Jennifer Sch.ck. It all strikes me as a bit silly. I'd rather just see paintings of Jennifer Sch.ck."

Chip: "Yeah, I'd totally bone her. In any kind of weather."

The Boys Recommend a New Product! / Plus, This Week in Local Art News! / And, Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day!

Like many red-blooded American males, the boys were saddened recently to learn of the sale of Budweiser to Belgian brewery InBev ("Damned furriners!"--Chip). However, they're now prepared to forgive and forget since the company is launching a new brew called "American Ale" next month.

Chip: "Even though it's no longer American-owned, this new beer still sounds and tastes like America, and that's what really matters. I believe now I can still drink it and feel good about myself and my country. I look forward to Election Day, when I can drink a six-pack and vote for the Maverick and get this country on the right track!"

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Local artist and children's author Stephen Johns.n has just released his new book, A is for Art: An Abstract Alphabet, which "depicts artworks that are literal depictions of each letter, accompanied by alliterative captions describing the works" (here's the one for the letter "I": "Indoors, in an industrial interior, is an installation of individually illuminated, isolated, immobilized immersed and inverted identical insoluble imitation ice cream cones.") Source: LJ-World.

Chip: "First of all, I'm fairly sure this is "assonance," not alliteration, and second of all, what the fuck? Unless children are a lot smarter than me, they're going to find themselves very confused here. I'd recommend you read your children "My Pet Goat" or "Poky Little Puppy" and save this book for when they're in grad-school."

Richard: "I know that our old friend, Dr. X, used to teach a work by this author in his children's lit classes. It was called My Little Yellow Taxi. I think they focused primarily on the sexual and political implications of little taxis. But allow me to recommend a somewhat similar, albeit not for children, recent work: The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox (to be reviewed soon on this site). The first two entries are "ass-kicking" and "boner" and it's been on the New York Times Bestseller list, so it must be important."

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Richard: "Tonight's hipster show is Ra Ra Riot at the Jackpot. I'm so hip that I'm not even going, but for those who think The Shins are old news (and who doesn't think that?), this might be a good place to get a little Sunday indie-pop fix. If you go, make sure to talk (a lot, but in low and respectful voices) about how the new album is largely a response to the recent death of the band's founding drummer. The show should be packed, but not by the town's most cutting-edge hipsters. Those hipsters saw the band during their last trip through town and wouldn't dare go back again, because that's not hip. So you'll be surrounded by the town's second tier of hipsters who couldn't get in to the band's first Larryville show, along with numerous newbies who just caught wind of the band (ignore these people...they have nothing to add to the proceedings). I predict a "two PBR" rating for this show, and if any of our readers attend, please send in a review!"

A New Series: Richard Reviews Hipster Rock Shows! / Plus, Another Episode of "Is It Art, Or Isn't It?"/ And a Reminder: The People's Market Needs You!

Folllowing last night's heartbreaking loss to South Florida, the football season is, for all practical purposes, over in the mind of local fans ("Never love anything"--Chip, by way of Homer Simpson). That means the boys can turn their full attention to more important matters: music, cinema, and, of course, art.

In this new series, Richard embarks on an in-depth cultural journey into the lair of the hipster--local rock shows at various venues about town--and rates them on a scale ranging from one PBR (meaning: the show sucks but it's cool to hang out at the bar and discuss other, better bands) to four PBR's (meaning: this show is the equivalent of seeing Bright Eyes at the Replay just before they hit it big and if you miss it we'll make merciless fun of you for years). Richard's first review: Okkervil River at the Bottleneck.

Richard: "Not being young or attractive enough to get a ticket to the previous night's Vampire Weekend show at Liberty Hall, I decided to join the slightly older hipster crowd for Okkervil River, a band touring on the strength of two critically lauded new concept albums that explore the idea of fame from insider and outsider perspectives, assuming the personas of numerous fictional and historical characters. This was my first hipster Bottleneck show in some time, as most of the cool kids have largely deserted the venue in protest of its often-steep ticket prices, returning only a few times a semester for shows that have an aura of
"importance" attached to them. On this night, the crowd was composed of three distinctly different types: kickball fans who got in free because they knew a secret kick-ball password to use at the door; people who got in for free because they were friends with the band's manager; and people who got in for twelve dollars because they had been following the band's work for years. I found that I had forgotten some of the rules of the 'Neck, such as the requirement of talking loudly through all the slower numbers ("Dude's voice sounds totally fucking awesome live, doesn't it?"). But soon I caught on, and helped drown out singer Will Sheff's incisive commentary with some loud, pertinent thoughts about how the band was still good, very good, but not as good as they used to be before Jonathan Meiburg left to focus on Shearwater. The floor was packed tight and we sang along even as Sheff's songs mocked our hipster status, because we figured he was only joking: "I heard cuts by The Kinks on your speakers, /I saw Poe and Artaud on your shelves./While The Last Laugh’s first scene/ on your flat panel screen/lit Chanel that you’ve wrapped around yourself... /You’ve got taste, you’ve got taste,/what a waste that that’s all that you have." All in all, this show was high hipster-quality and I rank it a solid three PBRS, meaning it was very good but not quite as good as the Mountain Goats' show at the Jackpot where John Darnielle leaned out over the crowd, put a finger to his lips, and politely hushed a sorority girl talking on her cell phone.


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Tonight at DotDotDot Artspace, in the strip mall at 19th and Haskell, local artist Paul Fl.nder's "24 hour paint odyssey" titled Wet Dreams has its opening. Details are sketchy on exactly what kind of work this will be, but it's called "Wet Dreams" and it's located next door to the town's biggest porn shop. You pays your money and you takes you chances! What do the boys think? Is it art?

Chip: "Wet dreams are very personal things. Mine, for instance, usually involve Quinton's waitresses and tubs of butter. But I'm not comfortable telling you any more than that, and I certainly don't feel the need to paint them and share them with the community. I'm going with "Not Art" on this one."

Richard: "After so much publicity for the Percolator's "Clouds Are Easy To Love" exhibit, I'm just happy for something that at least has the potential for provocation. I might stop by this month, the next time I'm out there renting porn. I'll go with Art this time."

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Don't forget, dear readers, that the East Side People's Market needs your kind donations at tonight's fundraiser in order to remain in business.

Chip: "The only good thing about this place is that it keeps some of the local freaks out of other, more respectable grocery chains which operate on the principle of turning a profit."

Richard: "I had drinks recently with the Vice President of East Lawrence! They're doing good work over there in that community!"

Chip: "Their self-government scares me. I fear they'll one day mobilize and rise up against the rest of Larryville. But I'll tell you this right here and now: I'm fully prepared to fight and die to defend Quinton's!"

Breaking News: "Kansas In Heat!"

From www.kjhk.com:

"Starting Sept. 12th, Kansas in Heat will get even more intimate! They're moving from the shack to the Jackpot. You can hear them every Friday 7 to 8pm on the radio, or come down to the Jackpot for the live experience!

Kansas in Heat is a radio talk show that discusses issues related to sex and romantic relationships. Two KU Ph.D students answer questions and field comments with the goal to increase the health of the listeners current/prospective romantic relationships and sex life."

Is this show hosted by Chip and Richard? Come down to the Jackpot and see for yourselves!

The Boys Defend the UDK! / Plus, Which City Has the Most Beautiful People? Is It Larryville?!

An editorial in today's University Daily Kansan blasted the paper for failing to even mention the seven-year anniversary of 9/11 yesterday and instead devoting a full-page of coverage to sophomore Nate Bo.hr's successful quest to try all 130 flavors at Tad's Tropical Sno. The boys feel compelled to defend their beloved newspaper.

Richard: "First off, let me just say that I'd love to party with Nate Bo.hr. 130 flavors! That's a hell of an accomplishment! And I believe his inspiring story was the UDK's subtle reminder that heroes can be found close to home as well. Also, rumor has it that he dedicated the final flavor to those who were lost in the tragedy."

Chip: "I congratulate Nate Bo.hr and the UDK's in-depth coverage. But I wonder why no one ever sings my praises in connection to my own gustatory feats. For instance, I've tried so many different kinds of gravy on my chicken-fried steak. Cream gravy, peppered gravy, brown gravy, sawmill gravy, redeye gravy. One day, my story will be told too!"

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In a recent poll, Miami was voted the city with the most attractive people.

Chip: "Those pollsters have obviously never been to the Eldridge in Larryville on half-price martini night. My God, the ass on display there is just awe-inspiring!"

Help Save the People's Market? / Plus, Another Artsy Weekend in Larryville!

Due to an unspecified "whirwind of events" (lawrence.com), the East Side People's Market must raise 2000 dollars by September 14th in order to remain open. They are hosting a Mexican dinner on Saturday evening: ten bucks gets you a plate of vegan beans. Will you help them?

Chip: "These communists are finally learning the reason that profit is important: it allows your business to stay open."

Richard: "While I'm totally in favor of the People's Market, I'm really bogged down with saving the T right now. A man can only be so progressive, you know."

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With the boys still reeling from the joys of the Red Balloon To-Do of last weekend, two other beloved art events are sneaking up on them this weekend: Haskell's Indian Art Market and the Fall Arts Festival in South Park.

Chip: "I'm surprised that a Native-American University isn't more politically correct in naming their festivals. Shouldn't this be Native-American Art Market? At any rate, I don't plan to attend. It's just a bunch of totem poles and wampum beads."

Richard: "Once I went to the Fall Arts Festival with the full intention of buying myself a piece of homegrown art. But I was shocked to find that virtually everything there, right down to the most rinky-dink shit made of pipe-cleaners, cost about forty bucks. I bought beer instead...and drank it while staring at my favorite black-velvet Elvis portrait."

This Week in Campus News: Another Football Controversy? / This Week in International Physics News: Another Big Bang?

In the wake of the practice-field/pine trees debacle, the athletics department now faces another difficulty: how do they deal with the continuing, unwanted student-section chant of "Rip his fucking head off" during football games? As usual, Coach Mang.no denies all knowledge of the problem, while associate athletics director Jim Marchi.ny urges students to look into their hearts and find a smarter, less offensive chant. Certain players, on the other hand, enjoy the chant, insisting that even their grandmothers love to shout it. How do the boys feel?

Richard: "Personally, I fucking love profanity. But I admit that putting students together in a large pack frightens me. They're like wild animals, capable of anything, and I wouldn't be surprised if they actually descend on the field after our first loss and rip somebody's fucking head off themselves."

Chip: "Even the defenders of the chant don't understand the pure truth of it. It's not just an exaggeration meant to fire up the team. We really do wish that other players, especially Mizzou and K-State players, could be beheaded on the field for our enjoyment."


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Far away, in Geneva, tests began this week on a supercollider experiment eventually meant to recreate the conditions that existed just after the Big Bang. Some people (probably conspiracy theorists and those like Chip, who long for Armaggeddon) believe that "the collision of protons could eventually imperil the Earth by creating micro-black holes, subatomic versions of collapsed stars whose gravity is so strong they can suck in planets and other stars." (AP). Several Larryville professors and graduate students were in Geneva over the summer assisting in the project, while others stayed home and got arrested for attempting to make Ecstasy-type drugs in campus chemistry labs.

The Boys Consider Local Music, Vol. II

The first installment of this series appeared during the summer. Today we return with further picks and pans from the boys regarding bands you may encounter in the taverns and lounges of Larryville.

Suzannes Johannes:

Richard: "She's got a nice voice, but hipters love her primarily because her name rhymes and it's fun to say when you're drunk on PBR. Also, she's friends with beloved hipster-band Fourth of July, which is always a plus. Numerous hipsters shop at Jensen Liquor simply because half of Fourth of July works there."

Cl.thier: "I saw her at the Taproom recently. She started at 1:00 a.m. and played four songs. I enjoyed it, but was hoping she'd look more like Jenny Lewis or Neko Case."

Sellout:

Richard: "Not enough bands dress in costumes these days, so they've got that going for them."

Chip: "Instead of dressing like members of KISS and The Doors and such, I wish they'd get hip and dress like Death Cab for Cutie, although I suppose then they'd look like every other band in town."

Truckstop Honeymoon:

Chip: "They sing about things that speak to me in a very personal way, like that song which I think is called "Thrown out of the Waffle House for making out in the booth."

Arthur Dodge:

Richard: "He think he's so cool cause he's got a beard."

The Volunteers:

Richard: "They sound like Summer Teeth-era Wilco and I fucking dig it!"

Chip: "They've now changed their name to The Vols, which reminds me of Tennessee Lady Vols women's basketball, which I hate."

This Week in Art News!

On Tuesday night, a group of artists on a national tour bring their work to Wonder Fair Art Gallery in lovely, downtown Larryville. Here's a description from the LJ-World: "Cartune Xprez is a traveling roadshow of animated videos and multimedia performances that has birthed multiple tours and a DVD. Headlining the collective's current tour is the multimedia dance group Hooliganship which will be performing its most recent piece entitled "Realer" in which audiences strap on a pair of 3D glasses to bear witness to a televised parade gone awry." Will the boys be attending?

Chip: "The 3-D part worries me. I like to view art from a safe distance. I don't need any glasses bringing it right up in my grill!"

Richard: "I have very mixed feelings about 3-D. As a young lad in Romance, I remember when one of the networks broadcast a film called Gorilla At Large in 3-D and we all purchased glasses which I think came with a six-pack of Pepsi or something and everyone was excited for weeks, settling in front of the TV on the big night hoping for pure magic. But that fucking gorilla never emerged from the set! Now I know it's true that 3-D is much improved these days. The effects in Beowulf, for instance, are simply awesome, although the movie itself is actually worse than Gorilla At Large. Anyway, I might check out this art show!"

The Boys Check in With The Competition! / Plus, Christian Rock at...Abe and Jake's? / And The Boys Get Political! (Musically!)

Less than a week old, the new blog in town, The Rathaus, is already making waves by signing on former KU sex columnist Meghan "Thou Shalt Always Remove Thou's Socks" Bain.m as a contributor. Her first column, however, is a decidedly non-erotic narrative about her childhood memory of a bird repeatedly running into a window.

Richard: "I went ahead and beat off to it anyway, while remembering one of her old columns about sex toys."

Chip: "I thought the bird ramming the window was a metaphor for attempted sexual penetration. Are you telling me I got aroused for nothing, that the bird is just a bird, and not a phallic symbol? That's a real disappointment."

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Looking for a little rock on a Sunday afternoon? How about taking in the HOT (Helping Others Together) Festival, a Christian rock event at Abe and Jake's? While there, you can also ask forgiveness for all the bad things you did at Abe and Jake's the night before!

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There is a certain kind of American (let's call them 'idiots') that rely on country music to help them in their voting decisions, and John Rich's "Raising McC.in" is sweeping the nation this week.

He stayed strong, stayed extra long
‘Til they let all the other boys out
Now we’ve got a real man with an American plan
We’re going to put him in the big White House

Chip: "In Forttt Scottt we do want a 'real man' in the White House, someone who looks like they know their way around a barnyard and a boardroom. The emphasis on an "American" plan cleverly suggests that Ob.ma is not looking out for America's best interest, which could well be true, since he's a well-known Muslim."

Richard: "The choice of 'big' in the line above is interesting. Is it a reference to "bighouse," meaning jail, a contrast to his POW time? Or perhaps a nod to John Rich's songwriting partner "Big?" Or just a straightforward acknowledgment of the importance of the presidency? I'm going to go with the latter, since anything else would suggest that the song has an element of intelligence to it."

The Steam Whistle Returns! / Plus, The Boys' Weekend Advice Column: If You're Too Hip For PBR, Try a "Doorkno!"

Due to an outcry of enraged alumni regarding the university steam whistle, nostalgia has triumphed over practicality and the whistle shall blow again come Monday! Students are expected to celebrate by getting fucked up and skipping class.


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Some years ago, Richard found himself half-drunk at the Replay overhearing someone order a drink that sounded like "adorno," which seemed to be a can of Hamm's poured over ice. Our hero decided later that surely this did not really happen, just as the patio dogfight of a few years previous and the pants-fire surely did not really happen. But yesterday's Lawrence.com "ode to cheap brew" confirmed Richard's vision: Larryville's coolest cats are indeed drinking Hamm's on ice: "At The Replay Lounge, this drink is drank on the rocks with lime and it’s called a Doorkno (doorknob without the b) and was invented by a former bartender known as Kirk G. All the regulars and all the old-school bartenders, that’s what most of ’em drink over the summer,” Replay owner Nick Carr.ll says." Richard has vowed never to drink a boring old PBR again.

The boys' have also decided that their own favorite drinks should be named after them. A "Nog" is a Corona with salt around the rim ("It's sort of like a beer with a margarita attitude and it makes me feel like a fucking Parrothead!") and a "Chipper" is Diet Dr. Pepper and Malibu Rum ("It's healthy and full of coconut, plus it gets you shitfaced!").

This Weekend: The Red Balloon To-Do": Is it Art, or Isn't It? / Plus, This Week in Basketball News!

This Saturday brings one of Larryville's major art events, The Red Balloon To-Do, where a single red balloon serves as your passport to numerous downtown galleries featuring special exhibitions and live music, culminating with a concert at the Granada.

Chip: "Carrying a red balloon leaves me somewhat less than 100% certain of my heterosexuality, and I don't like that feeling. I'm going with "Not Art."

Richard: "I'm going with Art this time, but I don't like the fact that all the hipsters are out after the festivities still clutching their red balloons and pompously debating which is better, Wonder Fair Art Gallery or the Percolator. Deep down, we all know that Wonder Fair Gallery is far, far better."

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After numerous basketball-related scandals involving Sherron "Can I Show You My Cock?" C.llins and the Doobie Boys, Mario and Darrell, who got busted this week for smoking weed at a seminar designed in part to tell them not to smoke weed, KU broke some good news today: The Morris Twins are cleared to play ball! Their BB guns have been taken away and it's time for business!

This Week in University News: Dude, Where's My Steam Whistle? / Plus, a New Larryville Blog Appears to Challenge The Chronicles in a Battle Over Art!

In operation since 1912, the beloved university steam whistle used to signal the start and end of classes is no longer issuing its mighty blow this semester due to rising natural gas costs (officials claim it costs five bucks every time it sounds).

Richard: "It's left me in a perpetual state of confusion. Sometimes I find myself teaching for six straight hours when I have no signal to stop!"

Chip: "I understand the need for budget cuts, but couldn't we get rid of a few professors and keep our whistle? That thing gave me a boner every time I heard it, just to think of all the ladies filing in and out of classes."

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A new local art blog, The Rathaus, is on the scene these days and getting its own "launch party" tonight at the Jackpot Saloon with an art opening and local bands.

Richard: "Nobody ever threw a launch party for the LC! It's just not fair!"

Chip was reached for comment while drunk at IHOP: "If we ever have one, I'll be wearing a bag over my head because my role as a public educator is a sacred bond between myself and my young charges that I would not want to jeapordize by my actions."

At the Chronicles, we are not threatened by our competition and invite you to visit them at www.therathaus.com and read their mission statement: "Rathaus literally translates from German as “council house,” rat (council) and haus (house)...The Rathaus is our online “council house” working to inform, educate and inspire further discussion of issues affecting our globally connected community."

Chip: "They sound like pretentious fops!"

Coming Soon to Larryville: Another Downtown Festival and a new Wal-Mart (Finally!)

The city fathers agreed last night to help fund October's "Get Downtown" Festival with a $20,000 donation. The festival has actually been around for two years already but has been largely unnoticed, probably because it sucks so much. The boys hope that $20,000 buys a few bands besides Disco Dick and the Mirror Balls, who have played there previously. (and Chip hopes there are no fucking buskers involved).

Also making news this week: construction is underway on the 6th Street Wal-Mart, which is slated to open in late spring/early summer.

Chip: "I hope families will begin to realize there's no real reason to take the kids to the parks or downtown when there's a new Wal-Mart around. In Forttt Scottt, we usually make a full day out of a Wal-Mart trip. Their prices are hard to beat."

Ghost Hunters Descend on Larryville and Howard St.rn Takes On Forttt Scottt/ Also: Chip's Musings on Music, Vol. II (with Richard on Back-Up Sarcasm!)

The Wichita Paranormal Society came to Larryville this week to investigate the many stories of hauntings in the Eldridge Hotel (room 506 is our local equivalent of The Shining's room 217!). How do the boys feel about Larryville's supernatural side.

Chip: "You know, a lot of college students think Quinton's has a ghost too. It's supposedly the spirit of a sorority girl who drank herself to death and often revisits Quinton's because it was her favorite bar. She's usually wearing a little black cocktail dress."

Richard: "Dude, I'd totally fuck that ghost! The Replay has its own ghost story too. Many believe it's haunted by a hipster who once killed himself because he missed seeing his favorite band there just before they hit it big. Just before closing you can sometimes spot him at the bar, reaching for a PBR that slips right through his hands. It's a sad thing."

Chip: "All this and a gate to hell just down the road at Stull! This is why I'm better off in the Fortttt."

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But the Forttt is expecting another kind of visitation soon: the crew of a reality show that will eventually air on Howard St.rns Howard TV On Demand. According to the F.S. Tribune, "The concept of the show involves sending three Wack Pack members from different parts of the United States to Kansas to participate in farm activities at the home of Tom and Pat Chr.sty, the parents of Fort(tt) Scott(t) native Richard Chr.sty, who now works for St.rn."

Some community members are worried by the publicity. Chip, reached for comment atop a mechanical bull at Rusty's Bar, said: "Look. We're a simple people who spend our days lining up pennies in a parking lot to break world records. We don't need St.rn making us out to be a bunch of rubes."

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The wait is finally over! After 14 years, New Kids on the Block are back with a new album, available today! The boys offer their thoughts on the first single: "Summertime."

Do you remember,
I'll never forget,
Touchin' your body all soakin' wet,
The water was cool,
The feelin' was hot,
Kissin' on you while the ocean rocked.

Chip: "The Kids' manage to sound simultaneously naive and experienced here. Playful and profound. Notice the pairing of opposites: 'cool and hot,' suggesting a transition from innocence to experience. You'll notice that he's not just kissin' her. He's kissin' on her. I'll bet he even bangs her! The immensity of the ocean in the background suggests a bigger picture unknown to these two kids fucking on a beach. This is one of their best works."

Richard: I totally agree. Take a look at these later verses:

And now I'm like,
Hey, girl, don't you know I miss it,
And I wonder if you miss it too,
Never thought it would end 'til it did,
Now, I'm here and I can't stop thinkin' 'bout you.

The use of 'like' is genius here, allowing illiterate young listeners to connect to the song while also suggesting the speaker's youth as he looks back at this seminal moment of heartbreak from an adult perspective. He's not just missing that beach-fuck, but rather the whole of his childhood before the realization that present happiness is fleeting at best. This is really a powerful work of art on par with Proust's Remembrance of Things Past. And it's easier to listen to on an Ipod!"

This Week in Local News: "Read Across Lawrence" begins!

The annual "Read Across Lawrence" program, in which many members of the community read the same book and take part in various events and community-wide discussions, kicks off again this week. This year's choice: Kansas Curiosities, 2nd Edition: Quirky Characters, Roadside Oddities and Other Offbeat Stuff.

Richard: "I wish they'd choose a real book. Couldn't we read a work of literature, for once!? I'd truly enjoy, for instance, discussing Fanny Hill: Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, with the girls at Quinton's. Here's an excerpt: "...and now, disengag’d from the shirt, I saw, with wonder and surprise, what? not the play-thing of a boy, not the weapon of a man, but a maypole of so enormous a standard, that had proportions been observ’d, it must have belong’d to a young giant." Among other things, it would provide the ladies with some new euphemisms for 'cock' to use when their frat boy boyfriends are banging them."

Chip: "Lolita might also be a good choice for the community."