Happy Halloween! / Plus, The Boys Country Corner

Which personas will the boys adopt tonight:

Sugar Dick, the pimp?















Cowboy Rick, the hick?






















Chip, the sad clown:
















Richard, the flying ace?



















Or just plain old Dick, the blogger, who hopes to take incriminating Halloween pictures of his faithful readers and embarrass them mercilessly for months to come?

We'll see...


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Oddly enough, Toby Keith, despite his vast importance to country music and American patriotism in general, has not made an appearance yet in the boys' Country Corner series.

Let's change that. His new album contains a song with a title alone worthy of much discussion. It's called "Missin' Me Some You."

Chip: "He's definitely captured the idiom of the redneck here. This grammatical structure, which adds a completely irrelevant personal pronoun, is something I hear quite often in Rusty's Saloon, usually in the context of 'I need me some pussy!' Keith's application of the phrasing to a tender love ballad is clever to say the least."

Richard: "Yes, he nails the neediness of a certain kind of male redneck, the kind who is deep-down as sensitive as he is illiterate."

The Boys Wish Happy Birthday to the Fonz! / Plus, Only Five More Days to Save the T! / Also, Hipsters, Sorostitutes, and Zombies!

At the LC, we always celebrate October 30: it's Henry Winker's birthday, and the Fonz has been a major influence on the boys in terms of his fashion sense, philosophy, and way with the ladies. Join them tonight as they discuss their favorite episodes (the Fonz performs in Hamlet!) and attempt to recreate the Fonz's waterski shark-jump by jumping three Prius's on a skateboard! And here's a treat for you readers who miss the boys' old forays into the world of collage: it's a picture of Nog's face on the Fonz: click to enlarge!




















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In Larryville, there's more talk of saving the T than there is of electing the president. On Saturday, a large contingent of peaceniks, anarchists, and East-siders are staging a 'save the T' parade in which a "festively decorated" bus full of freaks will proceed down Mass. Street followed by a collection of assorted citizens. The parade is slated to stop for a 15 minute interval at 9th and Mass. so its participants can stage a "street theater" performance regarding the importance of public transportation.

Chip: "Ah, I'd rather watch an entire Beckett play than 15 minutes of this!"

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Apparently hipsters aren't the only ones who love zombies. Retro-loving sorostitutes have embraced them as well: tonight's Neon dance party has a zombie theme. Hipsters, who cannot stand to have their passions co-opted by the culturally inferior, are expected to immmediately transfer their allegiance to another creature...possibly mummies?

Hipster Picks of the Day: Obama-mercial! and Love Garden Halloween Sale / Plus, Who's Who at KU?

If you're a Larryville liberal hipster, you're voting for Obama, you're telling everybody loudly that you're voting for Obama, and you're curious to see his half-hour "infomercial" tonight.

Richard: "I hope he combines his points with some of the usual conventions of the infomercial genre, such as demonstrating how to use a juicer."

Chip: "I wish MY candidate could afford a half-hour infomercial. But all he can afford is 30-second spots during all those 'old-folks' shows on CBS."

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If you're downtown this week, Love Garden is even hipper than usual, with each day devoted to a Halloween sale and featuring a special theme, such as 'Warlock Wednesday' and 'Cthulhu Cthursday.' Patrons are encouraged to howl at the cashier to receive special discounts, which involve the rolling of a 12-sided die. Costumes get special treatment as well.

Chip: "The place is weird enough on normal days. It's full of cats, and the hipsters believe that the cats have magical powers. Once I went in looking for the newest Josh Groban CD and everyone snickered."

Richard: "It's probably best to avoid 'Cthulhu Cthursday.' All the Lovecraft-loving freaks from Astro-Kitty Comics will be attracted to the shop that day and they're sort of weird. They always have bits of cereal stuck in their beards."

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Who's who at KU? Well, it's fan-favorite and frequent guest star Matt Cl.thier, that's who, at least according to today's UDK, which offers a lengthy profile of his musical tastes and dissertation-writing prowess. In the piece, Cl.thier especially praises the importance of Led Zeppelin on his music career.

Chip: "Dude, he never plays 'Stairway to Heaven' for me, no matter how loud I shout for it while he's trying to play his own songs."

Richard: "When will the UDK profile me and my blog?"

The Boys' Country Corner (Literature Edition)! / Plus, The Boys Recommend an Out-of-Town Event: American Royal PBR Superbull Competition!

Hopefully, the LC has proven that the songs of mainstream country artists are worthy of serious cultural consideration, but we've all been wondering something else: can they write books? Tim McGraw's first children's book, My Little Girl, is on shelves now, and it tells the touching tale of a cowboy and his daughter who spend a day together: "They stop by the farm co-op, gaze up at the clouds and play on a tire swing." Did the boys enjoy it?

Chip: "All children remember the first time their fathers took them to the farm co-op. I expect this to become a timeless children's classic."

Richard: "It's good, but I look forward to the day when Toby Keith writes a children's book, which will probably be about a cowboy who teaches Little Timmy how to put his little boot in the ass of terrorists."

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It's easy to forget sometimes, but liberal Larryville is essentially a progressive oasis in the middle of a desert of old-fashioned conservative cowtowns. One of KC's most-popular events, the American Royal, a series of rodeos and country concerts and barbecue competitions, brings us the annual PBR Superbull bull-riding contest this Sunday. And despite the associations of Larryville hipsters, PBR in this instance refers not to the sweet brown liquid of Pabst Blue Ribbon but to the Professional Bull Riding association.

Chip: "I'm hoping that a lot of hipsters get confused and believe that the competition is sponsored by their favorite beer and assume that bullriding has now become the new hipster 'sport', replacing roller derby, and that they all show up on Sunday and get the ever-loving shit kicked out of them by the shitkickers!"

HIpster Pick of the Day: Michael Chabon at KU / Plus, The Boys Look Ahead to Halloween!

Except for Pitchfork music reviews (which they memorize and repeat at the Replay), hipsters don't read very much. Even so, they do keep track of a number of contemporary authors (Jonathan Franzen, Jonathan Lethem, Michael Chabon) largely through NPR interviews. Chabon, speaking on campus tonight, is especially popular with hipsters due to his passionate defense of various genre works, which allows hipsters to justify the fact that they watch nothing but zombie films.

Chip: "All I know about Chabon is that he appeared on The Simpsons last season."

Cl.thier: "If he starts writing poetry, I'll take him seriously. And not a minute before."

Richard: "I don't read anything till Oprah tells me to read it."


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With Halloween falling on a Friday, Larryville will surely offer a wealth of opportunities for mischief. Here's what we know so far: Cl.thier's end-of-the-month Yacht Club gig is featuring a maritime theme, and the boys hope the waitresses will be dressed as topless native women. The gig has stiff competition from the Replay, however, which will attempt to lure the hipster crowd with a Hall and Oates cover band ("Haulin' Oats"). Chip will be in his pumpkin patch in Forttt Scottt, but he'll be humming "Private Eyes" and "Maneater" under his breath and secretly wishing he was cool enough to be at the Replay.

Richard Says Farewell to the Gaslight (Again!) / Plus, Today's Cute Animal News!

On a crisp and clear fall evening, Richard wandered across the river bridge to take in a performance by Big Stack Daddy at the much-loved (by hippies) and soon-to-close Gaslight Tavern. Big Stack's monthly early-evening Gaslight gigs have grown quite popular recently among the older crowd (Big Stack is known for playing right up till the crack of...9:00 p.m). The crowd on this evening was a bit subdued, knowing that the place will soon be bulldozed to make way for the north-side river development project. Perhaps by next year, a new Applebee's might reside there (Chip: "I hope so. Finally, normal people would have a reason to travel north of the river.").

The Gaslight has scheduled a final "fuck you" to its admirers for next Saturday: a 20 buck show featuring Split Lip Rayfield. Local hippies are currently scratching their heads all over town in pure bewilderment, wondering why a place that prided itself on catering to their needs (cheap covers and cheap beer) would suddenly price them out with its final show and likely attract a bunch of young, rich, pseudo-hippies who have only recently discovered Split Lip and know nothing of the band's and the Tavern's storied histories. With any luck, however, the older crowd can sell enough weed this week to afford a ticket and party one last time on the north-side before the yuppies arrive to stroll along the new river-district drinking twelve-dollar cups of Starbucks coffee.


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This evening at the Jazzhaus is the "Doggie Monster's Ball Pawty," in which people dress up their canine companions in Halloween costumes and parade them around in a costume contest.

Richard: "Dogs do not enjoy being dressed up in restricting costumes and those who do so should probably be arrested for animal cruelty. At the same time, however, it's pretty fucking funny to see a 'zombie dog' running around a bar!"

Chip: "Even the Replay does not allow dogs these days. But I'm personally in favor of dressing dogs up in costume. My faithful lab, Chauncey, and I go trick-or-treating each year in Forttt Scottt, throwing a couple sheets over ourselves and seeking out that sweet, sweet candy! But people often give us rocks instead."

Palin Porn Update! / Plus, Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day / Also, Did the New KU Chant Make Us Lose?

Clips from Hustler's Who's Nailin' Paylin? porn film have appeared on-line in recent days (with a DVD release expected before the election). Richard, of course, will be hosting a special screening of the film.

Richard: "From what I've seen so far, in which 'Paylin' shows her 'high beams' to a man at a snowmobile dealership while her husband is away, this is a surprisingly incisive commentary on American notions of politics and gender, and I expect us all to have a very good discussion of the film. Naturally, we'll all be naked during this discussion. This is a porn film, after all."

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Four out of five local hipsters have worked at Larryville's college radio station KJHK at some point in their lives, and tonight the station celebrates its 33rd birthday with a party at the Granada featuring the funky sounds of Diplo and Abe Vigoda (presumably the band, and not the Barney Miller star, although an appearance from Vigoda himself would be an even greater thrill for the hipsters). Lawrence.com says: "Mixing '80s nostalgia with mainstream hip-hop, crunk, dancehall, bhangra and the Favela Funk of Rio Di Janeiro, Diplo highlights and tweaks the artists that he loves. Most importantly, he makes audiences shake it like a saltshaker."

Chip: "I've heard of 'hip-hop,' but the rest of those words mean nothing to me. Still, I do love to shake my ass."

Richard: "Abe Vigoda is a brilliant hipster band name, since championing forgotten films and stars is a big part of what we do, as hipsters. My personal favorites are: Warren Oates, Harry Dean Stanton, and M. Emmitt Walsh. If you go to the show tonight, avoid the expected discussions about Vigoda's role as Detective Fish on Barney Miller and concentrate instead on his appearance in Joe Vs. The Volcano or the fact that he does a voice in The Godfather video game. In hipster circles, these are the kinds of facts that will get you laid, and quick!"

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After instituting a supposedly harmless and bland new cheer at today's KU/Texas Tech game, KU was massacred 63-21, a shocking home loss.

Richard: "Our power obviously lies in our use of profanity."

Chip: "We should rip our own fucking heads off! This sucking team is the suckingest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"

The Boys' Favorite Recipes, Vol. I / Plus, KU Gets a New Chant/ Also, This Weekend in Local Art / And Richard is Attacked By Zombies!

Richard: "By popular demand, here is my recipe for apple-butter. I recommend you slather it all over a Quinton's waitress and lick it off. Reeeeaaal slow. You'll enjoy it nearly as much as she does."

Put 3 quarts of apples, sliced thin, in a crock pot and cook overnight on high. Next morning, add 2 teaspoons cinnamon, 3 cups sugar, 1/2 teaspoon cloves. Cook all day on low. Tastes like old-fashioned apple butter that is cooked in copper kettle.
You can use applesauce if you do not have time to prepare the apples. The crock pot makes it possible for apples to cook a long time without being stirred.

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After numerous committee meetings, on-line voting, and a full-page ad in the UDK, the university has a new kick-off slogan that is far more creative than the vulgar line borrowed from The Waterboy. The new slogan: "Kaaaay (kick) youuuuu." Do the boys like it?

Richard: "It's good. But I'm probably still going to yell 'Fuck yeah" after it!"

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This weekend brings the Lawrence ArtWalk, a major event where participants can take a self-guided tour of more than 50 galleries and private studios. Maps of the participating galleries are available downtown.

Chip: "I always make sure to pick up a map, not because I want to go on the tour, because I assure you I do not, but so I can know where art is at and won't accidentally stumble across it and be startled."

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Hordes of undead hipsters, covered in gore and grime, invaded Mass. Street last night for the 2nd Annual Zombie Walk, stopping politely at intersections and posing for photos with hipster friends who weren't quite cool enough to dress like zombies themselves but still wanted to be part of the action. Harbour Lights, where Richard was drinking peacefully at the front window, was viciously attacked but, despite Chip's hopes, we were not flashed and did not see any "hot zombie boobies."

(click photo to enlarge, if you dare!).

The Boys Weekly Pop Culture Round-up / Plus, Richard's Hipster Pick(s) of the Day / And the LC Polls Have Closed: Get Ready for a New Kind of Blog!

With only one day remaining before the premiere of High School Musical 3, the boys excitement has reached fever pitch!

Chip: "The third film in a series is almost always the best. Look at Return of the Jedi. Damn, those Ewoks were cute! And Godfather III. Sofia Coppola's performance there is just amazing."

Richard: "And don't forget Howling 3: The Marsupials."

Also, Guns N'Roses have finally, "officially" confirmed a release date for their Great White Whale of rock music: Chinese Democracy will hit store shelves on November 23 (unless it doesn't). Guns' manager Andy Gould has said of the album: "Great art sometimes takes time...when they asked Michelangelo to paint the Sistine Chapel, they didn't say, 'Can you do it in the fourth quarter?' so they can make their numbers.'' (Entertainment Weekly).

Richard: "Well, I think we can all agree that G N'R's Appetite for Destruction is a much better work of art than the Sistine Chapel. But I have a feeling this may be a bit of a letdown."

Chip: "How could it not be, with so many other, better rock bands on the scene these days? Such as Scary Kids Scaring Kids."

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One thing hipsters love is scoffing at silly things which are presented in an earnest, self-important fashion (such as the McCain campaign). Tonight at the Jackpot we have something called the Free Form Film Festival, which should be a prime opportunity to laugh at the past. Lawrence.com says:

"The Free Form Film Festival pays its first visit to Lawrence to present the first in a series of media-archeology programs. "Please Self-Help Me" will feature vintage instructional, exercise and self-help videos. The program runs just over an hour and includes excerpts from: "Don‘t Be Afraid of Computers," "Cigars: the New Rage," "Balloon Magic" and Mr. T’s "Be Somebody."

Chip: "Laugh all you want, hipsters. One could do worse than listen to Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn't take him seriously."

Also on tap for tonight is the 2nd annual Lawrence Zombie Walk, in which a horde of the hipster-undead will travel down Mass. Street from South Park starting at 8:00.

Richard: "Sure, tween girls and dumb Goths may love vampires these days, but hipsters remain ever-faithful to zombies. I'm not sure why. If anyone knows, please write in and explain the appeal of the zombie to the hipster."

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Okay, the LC polls are now closed and our readers have spoken and overwhelmingly prefer that the LC transforms itself into an inspiring place filled with stories of cute baby animals and moving human interest tales and perhaps a selection of the boys' favorite seasonal recipes, such as Richard's special apple-butter.

To begin: The KC-Star reports this week that a dozen rare black-footed ferrets were released in West Kansas in an important ecological restoration project.

Chip: Actually, I'm not sure if this thing is cute or if it's a creepy, weaselly-looking little fucker?"

The Boys Consider Kansas City Haunted Houses / Also, Suggestions on How To Stop the KU Kickoff Chant!

The boys love Halloween for its mischief and candy, but do they ever attend the expensive (20 bucks and up) haunted house attractions such as "Edge of Hell" and "The Beast" in Kansas City (which according to the KC-Star was considered the "haunted house capital" of the nation in the late 80's).

Chip: "It just seems to me there are better ways to spend that kind of money. One could buy dinner for two at Applebee's or a blowjob from a cheap KC street hooker for that price. If I want to be scared and chased around by freaks in the dark, I can pay two bucks and step into the Replay on any given evening."

Richard: " 'The Beast' apparently contains a live alligator. First, this has GOT to be illegal. And second, what does an alligator have to do with ghosts and goblins and such?"

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With the next KU home football game on the horizon, it's a safe bet that not all students will opt for the new chant (which will be chosen tomorrow...currently in the lead: "Go...Jayhawks!"). The question now becomes: How should those who insist on yelling "Rip his fucking head off" be punished? The LC offers a few suggestions:

1) Wash the students' mouths out with soap.

2) Lob canisters of teargas into the general vicinity of the chant. Sure, this might punish a few innocent bystanders, but they're probably guilty of something else deserving of a little teargas.

3) Public beheadings along Jayhawk Boulevard. Who's getting their fucking heads ripped off now, kids!

The LC Presents: Random Tales of Romance (Arkansas) / Plus, The Boys' Country Corner is Back! / Also, Chip Rescues a Baby Fox From a Prairie Fire!

In this new series, Richard presents random tales of Romance and lets you figure out their relevance to your own lives.

"In the mid-80's, Central Arkansas had two very popular mainstream country radio stations, pretty much interchangeable in terms of music. One was KSSN, "Kissin' Country," which had been around the longest and was preferred by the older crowd. The upstart station was KDUC, "the Duck," which used a lot of hilarious quacking sounds during their promos. Our shop teacher, Gary Don, preferred KSSN, but when he was out of the room, we often turned the station to "the Duck," which would go unnoticed until Gary Don heard quacking sounds later, at which point he would fly into a vicious rage, screaming, "Who in the HELL turned this to The Duck!" Those were good times. Later Gary Don was fired because he brought a rock and placed it on his desk and told everyone it was a "sex stone." When students asked what a sex stone was, he'd say, 'Oh, it's just a fucking rock.' One of the students' parents was not impressed with the joke."

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Yes indeed, the boys' lives have long been filled with country music, and today we take a look at LC-favorite Brad Paisley's "Letter To Me":

"If I could write a letter to me
And send it back in time to myself at 17
First I'd prove it's me by saying look under your bed
There's a Skoal can and a Playboy no one else would know you hid"

Chip: "These lyrics don't fully connect with me, because I read Juggs instead of Playboy, but I get his point here."

"And when you get a date with Bridgett make sure the tank is full
On second thought forget it that one turns out kinda cool"

Chip: "I think this means that he fucked her that night!"

Richard: "Notice Paisley's use of 'slant-rhyme' in these two excerpts ("bed/hid"; "full/cool"). I don't think I'm wrong in saying this is heavily influenced by Emily Dickinson."

"Each and every time you have a fight
Just assume you're wrong and dad is right"

Richard: "This song sends a dangerous message to young men that they should sublimate their own beliefs to institutions such as the family and perhaps, by extension, to the church and state."

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Over the weekend, Chip was able to rescue a cute baby fox from a prairie fire. It's pictured below. Enjoy, readers! You voted for this shit!

(Chipnote: "I was shirtless when I rescued this fox, and I will gladly share those pictures with the four of you who voted for shirtless photos!").

Chip's Pick of the Day: McCain Rally in Belton, Missouri! / Plus, Alternate Kick-off Chants!

Chip: "Obama, the celebrity, "that one," attracted thousands to the Liberty Memorial in KC over the weekend, but a real maverick doesn't need to make a flashy entrance. Mr. John McCain has chosen Heartland High School in Belton for a Monday afternoon speech, and the kids have been looking forward to sharing tales of their prize-winning heifers with him and letting him reassure them that the economy is still strong enough to allow them to keep enough gas in their pick-ups to make it to the Kansas Speedway a few times a year. Obama promises 'change.' Scary, ill-defined change. But what South Kansas and Eastern Missouri want is familiarity. McCain reminds us of our grumpy, cantankerous old uncles, the kind of guy you could 'pal around' with at the Redneck Comedy Tour in Joplin or the gun show. Go see him live and in person today, Larryville liberals, and get a taste of the 'real' midwest."

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The UDK, intent on stopping the 'rip his fucking head off' football chant, has come up with several new options (online today at www.kansan.com). They are quite creative:

"Rock Chalk Jayhawk KU!"
"Rock Chalk Jayhawk!'
"Go...Jayhawks!"
"Make 'em weep!"
"Right between the eyes!"

Richard: "If we do change the chant, I hope we can at least keep a somewhat believable threat of violence. Maybe something like: 'Injure him just enough so that he can't play well.'"

Chip: "Or how's about: 'Look out for my beak, bitch!'"

Richard: "But I think the point is to downplay the profanity as well."

Chip: "Without profanity, a chant is meaningless and unmemorable."

Richard: "Actually, I sort of like the 'Make 'em weep' idea. Somehow it just makes me laugh to think of everyone yelling it."

Chip: "But 'Make those bitches weep' is much better, you have to admit."

Richard: "Oh, no question."

Readers Love Taking Our Polls! / Plus, More Fan Reviews Are In!

We're all a bit tired of the media's incessant political poll coverage right now, so let's spend today examining the current results of the LC's non-political poll, which you can see to your left. First off, we have nine voters, which means at least nine people are paying attention! Very good! And thanks for voting! But what do your votes mean? Let's start with the one vote for "more curse words." It's a safe bet that this is a sincere vote from a reader who is even now chuckling at the sexual innuendo in the title of this post (haha...poll=pole=cock!) and enjoys our stories about KU's "rip his fucking head" chant and tales of the boys being "out chasing pussy." And who doesn't enjoy these things? So why aren't there more votes for that option? Probably because it's almost a given that such stories will continue here. Hell fucking yes, they will. And what about the single vote for more "sophisticated cultural commentary?" Likely it's an ironic vote. Anyone looking for sophisticated cultural commentary here should take into account that the boys spent a full hour at Quinton's this past Tuesday discussing the preferred brands of skoal and chewing tobacco in their respective hometowns (Romance goes for Kodiak; Forttt Scottt chews nothing but Red Man!). The current winner of the poll is "more stories about cute animals," and once again we detect a certain amount of irony here. If you really want to see a "Mexican dancing cat," Youtube is a far better option. We just can't match it. But at least one of the votes here may be real, a reader reaching out to us, someone who's simply tired of our culture's perpetual snarky attitude and would rather see a fluffy little puppy. We'll try to oblige you on occasion, gentle reader, with something sincere. And holding strong in second place is "more shirtless pictures of Chip and Richard." Our assumption is that these votes are serious, as the boys do indeed have impressive physiques. Who has the hairier chest? There's still time to find out, if you really want to know.

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Some recent thoughts on the LC (mostly):

Reverend H: "I saw something on there once that made me laugh."

King Tosser: "Too much art for my taste."

Cl.thier: "Whenever I spot a "Chipnote" in the text, I get very excited, because I know it's going to be something important."'

Richard: "I'm starting to think I'm not going to get a book deal out of this thing."

Chip: "It's well-written, but I wish I wasn't a part of it."

Barton Fink: "I tried to show you something beautiful. Something that was about all of us."

The LC Pick of the Day: "Toulouse Latrec's Pencils--A Drawing Club!" at the Jazzhaus!

Here at the LC we strive to keep you up to date with Larryville art news, and here's an event that will let you become a part of the scene yourself! Here's the info from the LJ-World:

"The Jazzhaus is partnering with the Lawrence Art Center to bring the community an opportunity to meet up with other artists and practice life drawing with a twist. The club will meet once a month and each session will feature models in different themed costumes. This month's event will feature models dressed as super heroes and monsters."

Richard: "I'm waiting for the week where they have naked models. Tonight's event will just attract all the geeks who normally hang out down the street at Astro Kitty Comics. And they're probably hoping for hot naked zombie chicks."

Chip: "Larryville is hellbent on turning every citizen into artists and alcoholics. In Forttt Scottt, there's a law against drinking and drawing."

Tonight in Local Art! / Plus, Chip's Weekend Plea!

Hipsters may prefer Wonder Fair Art Gallery, but freaks, hoboes, and EastSiders love the Percolator, which follows up its awe-inspiring "Clouds Are Easy to Love" exhibit with a new photography exhibit called "Recent Shootings," which opens tonight. The LJ-World says: "Deman's disconcerting images spark reminders that recall the viewer's own, unrelated experiences, whereas Marable works as a documentarian, honoring the mundanity of meals and their genteel culture before consumption. In contrast, vonHolten's images quietly explore the After and what is left once the dust has settled."

Chip: "So it says here that Deman's work will make me recall my own 'unrelated experiences?" This 'artist' is going to take credit for whatever I'm thinking of while looking at the work (and I will probably be thinking of Quinton's waitresses). Something about this scares me. I don't want my thoughts getting tangled up in art."

Richard: "I wish I were already teaching my consumer culture course. I'd send the students out into this dark alley to look at the work of Marable and vonHolten and ask questions of the artists, who would probably be too drunk on cheap, art-opening wine to answer their questions. Still, I think it would teach them a valuable lesson...about how most artists are drunks."

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Chip: "It's come to my attention that a new movie called W. opens this weekend. Once again, Hollywood seeks to inject 'thought' into entertainment. Try to avoid it, folks. Beverly Hills Chihuaha is still funny three weeks in a row, let me assure you. I plan to see it again tomorrow to make myself feel better after KU loses to Oklahoma."

This Week in Local Sports News! / Plus, the Boys' DVD Pick of the Week!

Tomorrow night brings the public debut of this season's KU basketball team at "Late Night in the Phog," a long-running tradition of comedy sketches and scrimmage. Two potentially hilarious sketches you probably won't see at this event:

--a young basketball star who insists on rubbing his penis against women in elevators!

--a sketch involving two ne'er-do-well twins from Memphis who move to the Midwest and proceed to go on a drunken BB-gun spree

Chip: "This event used to possess a wonderful, drunken energy when it was actually held late at night and the scrimmage wasn't allowed to start until after midnight and all the students got nice and toasted before going to the fieldhouse. Now it's early and dull and always during Fall Break and this year is combined with a fundraising drive where we're asked to bring canned goods! I'd rather watch the Jerry Lewis telethon than go to this."

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For those of you have already seen and re-seen Beverly Hills Chihuaha and read and re-read Dewey: The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched the World, a new film has appeared on DVD that might just be worth your time. It's called Duck, and stars the great Philip Baker Hall. Here's the synopsis from the interweb:

"Set in Los Angeles in the near distant future, DUCK is a somber comedy about a lost man and the duck who latches onto him, both looking for direction after the last of the city's parks is closed."

The Boys Recommend Another Out of Town Event! / Plus, More Martini News!

The boys tend to stick close to Larryville (at Quinton's and the Replay), but some out-of-town events are too good to miss, such as this weekend's Cornstock Festival in Garnett, Kansas, which features a "Cornstock Idol" competition and a Miss Cornstock Pageant in addition to concerts and corn-eating.

Richard: "I went to this the first time as a hipster, intending to scoff at the rubes and their country ways, but I found myself seduced by the power and beauty of corn. Highly recommended!"

Chip: "What's a 'corn idol' contest? Are they making false gods out of corn in Garnett? Forttt Scottt will NOT be pleased to hear about this. We still honor the Commandments down there. Some of them, anyway."

Richard: "No, I think it's a singing contest modeled on American Idol. But I'm not sure if all the songs have to be about corn."

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Sony DVD is attempting to cash in on the martini craze by releasing a collection of "martini movies," which so far includes mostly 70's crime dramas such as New Centurions and The Anderson Tapes. While these films (and the 70's in general) have no particular connection to martinis, the boys assume it might be fun to get fucked up on martinis and watch the flicks.

Richard: "I'm totally going to use these films as a pick-up line at the Eldridge martini-night: "Baby, I've got the New Centurions 'martini collection' edition back home." If that doesn't impress the ladies, I don't know what will."

Chip: "Yes, ladies get extremely horny at the mere mention of a George C. Scott film. He's the guy that plays Stifler in American Pie, right?"

Richard: "That's Seann William Scott."

Chip: "What? No, I really think you're wrong."

Richard's Hipster Pick of the Day (combined with an episode of "Is It Art, Or Isn't It?" / Plus, The Boys Consider Current Trends: Martini Nights

Local hipsters love Wonder Fair Art Gallery because admission prices to its occasional music/art events often get you a free PBR to enjoy during the show. Tonight, brings a performance by Fourth of July side-project 1,000,000 Light Years(accompanied by a video piece). But the real reason to go may be for the current exhibition of paintings by Ilenia Madel.ire, which Range Life Records website describes as "intensely-colored, straight to the heart, psychological-drama illustrations." (click to enlarge).

















Chip: "Note that the people are faceless, and mostly black-and-white, suggesting the simplistic worldview of a society where we use anyone different as a footrest (the red socks of the woman on the floor suggest non-conformity, and the red curtain behind the folks on the couch suggest a wider world that they are blind to). Still, I find the work dull. Not art."

Richard: "Chip forgot to note that the open curtains suggest the possiblity of change. This is a bleak work, but not without hope. Art!"

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"The first time I discovered the Eldridge Hotel's 1/2-price martini-night, I took one look at the young sorority ladies dressed to the nines in little black and red cocktail dresses, looking like Daisy Buchanan and Jordan Baker, and I says to Richard, I says: "We've found something really special here." --Chip

Hipsters have their PBR and well-dressed young professionals (along with well-dressed young women out emulating Sex and the City) have their martini nights. In Larryville, that night is Thursday, and although the Eldridge is no doubt "the place to be," other bars have followed suit with martini specials of their own. It's an interesting phenomenon, and there's perhaps more to it than meets the eye. Sure, for a lot of the women clustered together, it's just a chance to get away from men for a night and discuss their favorite vibrators, but is there a deeper cultural longing at work here, a desire for a kind of vanished "Old Hollywood" society of fashion and cocktails that's a far cry from today's persistent worries over financial meltdowns?

Richard: "This current crop of fruit-flavored vodka martinis are about as far from a real martini as a PBR is to a real beer, but I have to admit that on the occasions I've ordered a Hollywood (which is bright green and has rum in it), I feel like Cary Grant. I feel powerful enough to swoop down on a bevy of these sorostitutes, take them home, and remove their cocktail dresses...with my teeth. And therein lies the popularity of martini-nights--through a simple combination of retro cocktails and fashion sense, people are rediscovering a sense of self-worth that modern culture denies them."

Chip: "I think it's mostly just a bunch of women out discussing their favorite vibrators."

Chip's Pick of the Day / Richard's Pick of the Day / The LC Gets Even More Competition! / Plus, The Boys Consider the Weekend Box-Office Report!

Chip: "Bill Self is at Oread Books this afternoon signing copies of his new book and I'm going to show up and ask if he remembers that conversation we had at the urinals in the Yacht Club on October 22, 2007. I might even tell him that I faked taking a piss just to talk to him."

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Richard: "Liberty Hall is hosting the state's premiere of Kansas filmmaker Steve Balderson's new film Watch Out tonight. Film Threat says this: Steve Balderson “makes movies that are so gorgeous that it's not unreasonable to say that, cinematographically at least; he's the equal of an Argento or Kubrick in their prime. Some people have perfect vocal pitch, Steve has perfect visual composition.' I'm not yet convinced we've got a home-grown Kubrick in our midst, but the new film is said to be a shockingly perverse social satire and full of 'nekkid' people, so I'll be in attendance to check this shit out. Call if interested, readers."


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The LJ-World no longer bothers with separate sections for national and local news, but starting today, a much-antipated weekly "style" magazine called "Go" offers 32 thought-provoking pages of local fashion tips (Frye boots are 'in' on Mass. Street!), profiles of local figures (Hillcrest PTO President Betsy Six uses a 'Google' calendar to organize her day!), and a run-down of public-school lunch menus (Wednesday is "mostacholi" day!).

Richard: "I love this 'Go' section. It brings back old memories. I looked forward every week to mostacholi day in high-school!"

Chip: "I used to trade my PB and J for others' mostacholi!"

Richard: "I'm also pleased that 'Go' reminded me that I think women wearing skirts and boots are hot. It's something we used to note often in the early day's of going to Quinton's."

Chip: "I dream of taking a girl home and saying, "No, honey, leave your boots on."

Richard: "I share that dream."

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Once again, Beverly Hill Chihuaha ruled the weekend box-office, taking in another 17 million and easily besting the much-hyped terrorist spy-thriller Body of Lies, starring box-office heavyweights Dicaprio and Crowe.

Chip: "Most of us have successfully forgotten there's a war on, yet Hollywood insists on reminding us. Fuck that. This weekend America stood up to those Hollywood fatcats and said: "No, thanks. We'll see the talking dog movie twice before we see a movie that asks us to think about something!" It's really a scary time for America, what with this financial crisis and an Arab about to take over the White House. Surely we can't be faulted for enjoying a little dog-related humor."

Richard: "For those who can't get enough inspiring animal tales, let me recommend a book called "Dewey: The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched the World," which is currently high on the New York Times non-fiction best-seller list (take that Bob Woodward!). It's about a stray cat who lives in a library and changes the lives of everyne he meets! You should also join his group on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=37155883295

Chip: "Dude, that cat is amazing!"

This Week in Sports News: The Chant Lives On!

Despite a video plea from the fat man himself (e-mailed to every student), KU's "Rip his fucking head off" kickoff chant continued as usual at Saturday's game. Are the boys still in support of this vulgarity?

Chip: "As a public educator, I know that the best way to get kids to stop doing something is not to tell them not to do it. It's best just to let them wear themselves down. Eventually, they'll get tired of Sandler's Waterboy reference and move on to something else that catches their fancy... maybe a line from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist."

Richard: "I hope they do move on. As I've said, I have no problem with the vulgarity, but I do have a problem with the students' taste in film. I spent several football games shouting "I drink your milkshake, I drink it up" from PT Anderson's There Will Be Blood after each KU tackle, but it never caught on. At the very least, we could move on to another Sandler film and maybe yell "You don't mess with the Zohan" when we're on offense. We could even add 'motherfucker' after it, if the vulgarity is what's important to us."

Nog Gives the Replay Pre-Halloween Fashion Show Three-and-a-half PBR's!

Richard: "The Replay fashion shows have officially become a Larryville must-see 'event,' and I declare last night's show a rousing success, mostly because I spent much of it wearing an Eyes Wide Shut-style sex mask! Despite a wild tabletop dance party, however, the evening never quite escalated into a full-on orgy, which could have earned the event an unheard-of 4 PBR rating! Even Chip found himself caught up in the excitement, and here are his top three lines of the evening:

"You all may think I'm kidding, but I'm really, really scared right now."

"That guy is wearing a bolo tie!"

"Tell me what I should do, because I'm almost drunk enough to do anything."

Here's a photo courtesy of our good friend Beth, who seriously considered dancing on a table herself:

The Boys' Local Culture Pick of the Day: Bailout Protest!

Sure, there's been a quiet weekly protest of the Iraq War in town every Saturday for years now, but a lot of local citizens feel that Larryville has lost some of its fire and passion lately on the activist front. Tonight, a group will try to rekindle that flame in an early-evening protest of the 700 billion financial bailout plan to be held in the middle of downtown at 9th and Mass. The promoters have issued the following press release:

"As the economic situation worsens and the election approaches, it becomes more critical of us to make the same demand:

No more support for Wall Street!
No more political puppets of the banks!
They all must go!

See ya on Friday! Help spread the word. Bring pots and pans, noisemakers, banners, signs, and your anger. This will hopefully become the first of many such demonstrations in Lawrence."

Richard: "Like most rural folks with a healthy distrust of the government, I've long kept my cash hidden in a sock or buried in a coffee can in my backyard. Still, I've been feeling a little tense lately, so I may show up and vent some frustration by yelling about how the government is a motherfucker."

Chip: "Bring noisemakers? This sounds like a group of children throwing a temper tantrum. I'll bring my anger and chase these folks to a location in which they will not disrupt normal folks who just want to enjoy a peaceful fall evening along Mass. Street."

The Football Chant Controversy Continues! / Plus, The Transit Vote Approaches / Also: The Boys Prepare for a Fashion Show!

The athletics department has issued several failed entreaties for students to stop the "Rip his fucking head off" chant that has taken KU football games by storm in recent years. A campus brainstorming session to create a new and less vulgar chant also came up empty-handed. This week Coach Mang.no himself is expected to address the masses via video at the Colorado game to urge students not to embarrass the college on national television (again). Numerous fans (at least on this day) are expected to follow the advice of their beloved fat man (unless the Hawks lose, in which case they are expected to yell for Mang.no's head). From his usual gametime perch on the art museum steps, Chip is expected to continue the chant under his breath, as always.

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Larryville citizens have no doubt noticed numerous "Vote Yes Transit" signs popping up in yards lately like progressive little toadstools. The vote approaches.

Chip: "Generally, people who own homes do not ride the bus. The bus is for the homeless. Therefore, it's safe to assume that the displayers of these signs are your run-of-the-mill Larryville liberals, and I tend to cross the street when I see the signs for fear one of these folks will rush out and want to discuss the environment or something."
















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On Friday, the Replay will host its second annual fashion show, in which local designers, artists, and downtown shop workers strut their stuff on a makeshift runway for charity. Will the boys, who have pretty much dressed the same way every day since elementary school, be there?

Richard: "Last year I saw a nearly naked woman get paint splashed on her during an intermission performance-art piece. You bet I'll be there!"

Chip: "The Replay is reputed to be a place where all styles are welcome, but the one time I wore elastic pants down there my lady friends made fun of me."

A shot from last year's show:

Richard's Hipster PIck of the Day/ Plus, Other Cultural Events! / Plus: What in Hell is "Goggling?"

Since our faithful readers apparently have no opinions on the important topic of "Palin porn," we return to local concerns today. The hipster-show of the day is quite obviously Mammoth Life at the Jackpot, described "as a friendly collective of musicians, artists, filmmakers, poets and clothing designers who share a headstrong vision to craft cheery chamber-pop music and inject a little more sunshine into this crazy, crazy life" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "At this show, you'll want to talk about other 'musical collectives,' such as the Elephant Six bands and Broken Social Scene, and about how much better Mammoth Life is than all those others put together. Also, you'll want to talk about how today's indie scene has lost all sense of 'fun' in its music and needs more of a return to a pure pop sound, while secretly you're just waiting to get home and spin some Nick Drake on vinyl and think about that cute artsy-looking girl who's standing in front of you right now and who you should be trying to bang instead of already dreaming about chastisising yourself later for not trying."

Chip: "Filmmakers should make films. Artists should do art. Musicians should sing. Having all these kinds of people on stage at once makes me nervous."

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Today also brings the first "Lawrence Originals" food festival, in which a group of locally-owned restaurants will sell their wares in South Park. Chip is expected to bring in a piece of Papa Keno's pizza and find himself banned from the festival.

And on campus today: an event called "Chipocricy." No, it has nothing to do with our friend Chip and his secret attraction to Larrvyille's finer culture while professing a 'down-home' sensibility. Instead, it's a group of "Workers, students & allies... traveling the Midwest, stopping in 8 cities for intensive education and action around the true meaning of the term "sustainable agriculture" and to demand that Chipotle include farmworkers in its vision of "Food With Integrity." (Lawrence.com)

Richard: "I henceforth refuse to eat at Chipotle until my food is served by a true farmer! Is that what this means? The first step in making a difference may be having a press release that makes sense."

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In other (non-local) news, Gmail is instituting a voluntary service called "Goggle," designed to prevent drunken e-mails. The service will require that a user answer a few basic math problems in a short space of time as a test of one's capability to send a rational e-mail.

Chip: "This is going to help me out quite a bit, as I do have a tendency to e-mail women late at night and tell them I want to bone them. But what will save us from drunk-dialing?"

Richard: "It's my understanding that this service is only offered late at night on weekends. But what about when I'm drunk at noon on a Tuesday and I feel the need to e-mail and call my boss an asshole? What will save me then?

This Week in Local News: Let's Go Shopping...On the Northside!? / Plus, Abe and Jake's Becomes the Epicenter of Local Political Discussion?

A new development company is hoping to turn 20 acres in North Lawrence around Johnny's Tavern into a major riverside shopping and dining destination area. Are the boys excited?

Chip: "First of all, anybody going to North Lawrence has a one in six chance of getting stabbed. Second of all, the river smells funny and most of the fish in it mysteriously have three eyes."

Richard: "This sounds like a low-rent version of San Antonio's "Riverwalk" or Little Rock's "River Market." But I'm sad that the Gaslight won't be around to benefit from this revitalization and I refuse to go back to the area unless a comparably shady and locally-owned dive opens for business there."

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Abe and Jake's Landing drew a crowd of over 200 for their first debate-watch party and hope to repeat the feat again for tonight's town-hall format debate. (Nader's speech there on Thursday is expected to draw 11 folks who want to know his thoughts on local transit).

Chip: "I go for the politics, but I stay for the grinding."

The Boys Ponder "Palin Porn" / Plus, Hollywood Round-Up, Vol. II

Hustler Video has started production on a new title called "Nailin' Paylin." According to a press release, "The faux Sarah is Lisa Ann, who "will be nailing the Russians who come knocking on her back-door." In another scene -- a flashback --"young Paylin's creationist college professor will explain a 'big bang' theory even she can't deny! There's also a threeway with Hillary and Condoleezza look-alikes" (www.tmz.com).

Will the boys be watching?

Richard: "I'm sure a lot of people see this as cheap exploitation, but the use of anal sex as a metaphor for limited foreign policy experience is really a quite clever way to speak to a young audience well-versed in porn but not so keen about political concerns. And to explore the creationism/evolution debate through a classic teacher/student porn scenario: genius! I believe this will be a fun film to think about as well as beat off to."

Chip: "Some find it offensive to demean our politicians in this manner, but I suspect the truth is that Palin and her husband will pop this in some night when the kids are away and have themselves a pretty good time. I'd totally be honored if someone made a porno about me."

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With the bail-out passed into legislation and OJ safely behind bars again, Americans turned to Hollywood over the weekend for some feel-good fun about a talking and singing chihuaha! Yes, Beverly Hills Chihuaha grossed $29 million bucks.

Chip: "So many so-called 'classic' Disney films concentrate on visual style and moral lessons. Boring! I want to see a dog sniffing other dog's butts! That shit is timeless! This is better than Bambi. By far."

Richard's Hipster Pick for Monday Night: Matt Cl.thier at Henry's!

Everyone knows that LC fan-favorite Cl.thier plays gigs for the party crowd once a month at the Yacht Club, fearlessly facing down plastered frat boys who either (a) seem puzzled as to why a crooner is playing in the corner while they're trying to get more fucked up, or (b) want to join him on stage for Dave Matthews tunes [or both].

But many don't realize that Cl.thier also graces the stage at more hipster-oriented joints, such as tomorrow at Henry's Upstairs, where he will perform a set consisting of equal parts original tunes and a few well-chosen hipster covers (The Replacements?). All hipsters have a not-so-secret soft spot for sensitive singer-songwriters (a genre they often insist on referring to these days as 'lo-fi bedroom pop'). And Cl.thier's gigs at Henry's come with a guarantee: "If you don't think my songs are at least 10% more sensitive than other sensitive singer-songwriters, I'll give you your money back!*" See you at the show!

[*editor's note: the show is free]

Coming Up This Week: Ralph Nader at...Abe and Jake's? / Plus, Richard's Hipster Pick of the Night (for people too cool to go the Paw show)

Every four years, a small (but still frighteningly significant) group of Larryville "progressives" convince themselves that voting for Nader accomplishes something, and they rush to the polls to support their man. This week, Nader is expected to make one of his occasional stops in town: at 6:30 on Thursday at Abe and Jake's.

Richard: "I think for all practical purposes he's stopped campaigning altogether and is just speaking in locations where he can dance with slutty 'activists.' "

Chip: "I'll support any candidate who speaks at Abe and Jake's."

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For those of us too cool to wax nostalgic over PAW tonight, the Love Garden steps in with a free show (and art exhibit) featuring a band called Expo '70, known for "an expansive array of soundscapes and drones inspired by many early gurus of experimental music from around the world" which "have drawn comparisons to early Krautrock and Kosmiche bands from the '70s" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "I thought I was somewhat hip, but I have no fucking idea what a Kosmiche band is. Rest assured, however, that I will begin researching this matter right now and, by the next time you see me, Kosmiche bands will be the ONLY thing I listen to."

Larryville Gets Hipper: The Boys Consider Java Break's Cereal Bar! / Plus, Richard and Dr. C Say Goodbye to the Gaslight!

While hipsters may be in-the-moment when it comes to musical trends, they nonetheless often find themselves looking backwards in other parts of their lives, such as the need to embrace the beers of their grandfathers ("I'll have a Hamm's on ice, please!"). In urban centers, cereal bars have become popular lately, and--not to be outdone--Larryville has opened its own, in the downtown coffee shop Java Break (24 hours a day). For $2.50 one can mix and match cereals and add a variety of toppings while watching "classic black and white cartoons" on TV (UDK). This should be a good way for hipsters to escape the pressures of their everyday lives (such as whether to go the TapRoom or the Replay).

Richard says: "The next time I stagger drunkenly out of the Replay at two in the morning, you can bet I'm having myself some fucking Captain Crunch and Froot Loops!"


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Former Chronicler Dr. C. returned to Larryville last night for a final visit to the Gaslight before it closes in the coming months. He was pleased to find it pretty much as he'd left it...with a broken cappucino machine, non-working taps, and no Boulevard in the fridge. The boys were forced to drink a Wheat beer brewed in Manhattan, KS, which tasted like it had been nestled alongside some fresh-caught catfish and rolling around in some hillbilly's ice chest for a few days. As they left the bar for (possibly) the final time, Richard shed a single tear and thought to himself: "I'm sure gonna miss this shithole." And indeed it has brought us good times over the years, such as the time Dr. X saw a fat man play a banjo on the 4th of July, and the time Richard danced with a woman named Peter, and the time Chip and Richard saw a "cabaret" show inside the bar (which holds eight people, tops), and the times Dr. C and Richard marched drunkenly across the bridge to see the Hosty Duo play songs like "Fraidy Hole," knowing the northside held strange new pleasures that could simply not be found along Mass. Street. Here's to you, Gaslight! Now there's no reason to go to the Northside at all (except for the Dirty Bird).

The Boys Hollywood Report!

Chip recently learned that many women were intrigued by juicy Hollywood tales regarding their favorite stars and upcoming films. Having only seen a total of six films himself, Chip was surprised, but nonetheless determined that the boys should capitalize on this phenomenon and perhaps attract more female readers (right now we have four).

Our first bit of movie-related news is particularly worthy of LC discussion as it relates to a literary classic: Moby Dick. As you may have heard, a new version is the works to be helmed by Russian director Timur Bekmambetov, who gave us this summer's Angelina Jolie action-picture, Wanted. The filmmakers are promising to fully capitalize on today's CGI technology, ditching Ishmael's narration in favor of a "graphic novel" feel and providing a backstory involving the whale's earlier battles. The filmmakers promise this will be a full on "action-adventure revenge story" to be written by some fellows who recently worked on the Olsen twins' film New York Minute. How do the boys feel about this?

Chip: "As a literary elitist and self-professed fan of the "old dead white men" school of literature, one would expect me to be a little dismayed. The truth, however, is that most of today's readers simply aren't smart enough to read Moby Dick. And there is an awful lot of material in there about whale blubber...some of that fat can probably be trimmed with no great harm to the book, we've got to admit."

Richard: "I've always felt a little unclear regarding the whale's motivations and I believe this backstory may provide some much-needed psychological insight. I just hope there's a way to find roles for the Olsen twins."

More disappointing is our second story of the day: LC favorite Scarlet Johannsen finally tied the knot this week. The lucky fellow: Ryan Reynolds.

Richard: "He just seems awfully boring to me. Like he might be the kind of guy who'd want to discuss an interesting science article he saw in the Times while he's banging one of the sexiest women on the planet. It's not even very hot to imagine them doing it, you know?"

Chip: "Yeah, I imagine he spends a lot of time discussing his 'feelings.' I hate dudes like that."

And finally: Chip's DVD pick of the week--Sex and the City: The Movie!

Chip: "Some of you may remember my rave review of this from earlier in the summer. Well, let's just say that seeing this in the theater was a treat, but seeing it at home--curled up in your jammies with a bowl of ice cream--is just heaven."

Another Episode of "Is It Art, Or Isn't It?"

Not only is this a major weekend for music (The Get Down Town Festival!), it's also a major weekend for art: Saturday brings the opening of "Munnys That Bring Happiness" at the Lawrence Arts Center. For those not "in the know," a Munny is a small blank doll that can be personally designed by children (or artists). Saturday's exhibition will feature Munnys designed by as many as 80 local artists, including Jouv.lt (whose one word name hints of his importance). In Lawrence.com, Jouv.lt explains that his recent bondage paintings have inspired him to make a "simplified Munny where I just added hair, a stick, and a bondage rope." The Arts Center has forbidden anything "pornographic," however, so presumably none of the Munnys in Saturday's exhibition will actually be screwing each other. The event should be fun for young and old alike.

Chip: "This is just sick. First off, any artist playing with dolls is not a real artist. This is worse than puppetry, which is also not art. And second of all, any artist tying up dolls is possibly a budding serial killer. I think this Jouv.lt should be detained and questioned."

Richard: "This is art, but it's sort of scary art. Some of these little fuckers are creepy. It's like a cross between "It's a Small World" and that freaky Precious Moments Chapel down in Joplin, Missouri. I'm all for art that gives you nightmares, and this might do it."