Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Boys Weekend Box-Office Report

Readers, it's Easter weekend, so you're probably not reading and instead are doing whatever it is you do during Easter, perhaps gorging yourself with ham and chocolate candy eggs or just waiting till Lent finally ends so you can resume all the fun things you gave up for the last forty days, such as drinking, swearing, gambling, and jerking off (Chip: "It will be nice to enjoy a boner again.").

Richard spent Good Friday evening at a local art show where he followed a path of severed baby doll heads up a narrow and creepy stairwell to a claustrophic new gallery (basically a hallway) where local "artist" Wayne Probst had covered the walls with 80 or so severed baby dolls heads which had been burned or possibly crushed into strange deformed shapes and given names like JFK Baby (with a bullet hole) and Please Don't Put Money in Hole In Baby's Head (it had money in it). Was it art, or wasn't it?

Richard: "I suppose it probably was, but I was unmoved by it and, frankly, a little disgusted."

Or perhaps you'll choose to take in a movie this weekend? Hollywood is betting that many American Christians will enjoy the company of the Greek gods this weekend with the opening of the big-budget 3D remake of 1981's Clash of the Titans. Fanboys, of course, fetishize all films of their childhood and are spending their weekend ranting about how the new film will taint their precious memories of a film that wasn't very good even in its own day:

Redfive! says: "NO BUBO THE OWL...THEN F**K THIS MOVIE!!"

Even more fun, however, is making jokes about the catchphrase "Release the kraken!" The AV-Club talkbackers have devoted most of their talkback to using the phrase as a metaphor for masturbation or, even more fun, inserting the phrase (or just the word "kraken") into famous lines of dialogue, such as:

"And then there was Jimmy Two Times, who got that nickname because he said everything twice, like...I'm gonna go release the Kraken, release the Kraken."

or this:

"The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. They don't like hearing it. And, find it difficult to say. Whereas, without batting an eye, a man will refer to his "dick" or his "rod" or his "Kraken."



Capt. Chanute said...

I'm still thinking of ways to victimize that kid from Chanute. But all I can think of are frat jokes. Like sticking the tip of my dick--just the tip--in his mouth while he's sleeping so I can call him 'homo.' Or, maybe stick a banana up his ass when he's passed out and then next time I see him, be like 'Hey, banana ass!' Crazy shit like that...I'm a legend...

banana ass said...

That joke's a Forttt Scottt classic. They do that in Chanute as well?