UDK Headline of the Week: "Crime Infests Student Ghetto" / Plus, This Week in Local Theatre! / And the Boys Look At the "Sexiest Woman Alive!"

If you weren't shocked enough by that headline, the UDK's in-depth report on various incidents that have plagued residents in recent months will surely be enough to startle you. Let's look at a few examples:

"Jason said he entered a downstairs bathroom where he found an intoxicated college-aged man standing near the vomit-covered sink, toilet and walls. He said the man had even removed some clothing and appeared to be preparing to take a shower...
Jason’s girlfriend called the police...“The cop said to me, ‘You’d be surprised how much this happens, it happens all the time...’”

And this:

"Although Michael had been drinking that night, he said his memory of the event was pretty clear. He remembers the man acting disagreeably and arguing with him as they walked, possibly demanding a piece of pizza Michael was eating."

The only solution, quite obviously, is to build a lighted walkway from campus to downtown (as city fathers are considering), or perhaps (as Chip has suggested) a gondola descending into downtown from the top of the new resort hotel on campus.

Richard: "These are indeed terrifying incidents, and it's enough to make me not want to eat pizza in an alley at 3:00 a.m, but at the same time I wonder if we shouldn't be slightly more concerned about Larryville's serial rapist."

Chip: "The UDK forgot to include the story about the drunk kid who made off with an ambulance downtown over the weekend. Now that's hilarious...except maybe to the person who needed the ambulance."

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The boys love the work of the Larryville Community Theatre (Chip: "If there's a better American play from the last few decades than Nunsense, I certainly don't know of it. Singing and dancing nuns are just inherently funny."). And starting this weekend the play is branching out from their usual musical selections with a work called Cups, "which tells a woman’s life story through the brassieres she has owned" (LJ-World).

Chip: "Somehow I imagine this play is going to give me a boner. Also, it seems that someone should write a play about men's underwear, and the various boners they have experienced in those underwear over the years, and that the person to write that play should be me, and that it should be called 'Tightie-Whities: A Boner Story."

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Kate Beckinsale has just been voted Esquire's "sexiest woman alive" in this year's poll. Here's the cover:




















And here's an excerpt from the article:

"'Fuck, it's hot in here,' is the first thing she says, jangling me out of the ungovernable vibe of the room."


How do the boys feel about Beckinsale?

Richard: "I'm not sure she's the sexiest woman alive, but she's almost hot enough to make we watch Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans. Almost."

Chip: "I can name you three Quinton's waitresses who are sexier, but don't get me wrong, I enjoy the way she describes the weather and would love to discuss it further with her...while boning."