Monday, October 19, 2009

The Boys' Box-Office Report: Paranormal Activity!

We all know America loves tween vampires, but who knew that people would show up in droves to see an ultra-low budget haunted house flick, Paranormal Activity, which consists primarily of a static long-distance shot of a couple in bed (Chip: "And they're not even fucking!"). The premise is simple: a young woman, haunted by a demon, allows her boyfriend to set up recording equipment to capture the things that go bump in the night (and the film itself is purported to be this "found footage" of the recording sessions, most of which consist of absolutely nothing happening). Boosted by a clever marketing campaign, the film racked up $20 million dollars over the weekend to claim the number-three spot at the box office.

Richard: "Basically, it works sort of like the Royal Nonesuch in Huck Finn. We all know we've been swindled, but we still tell our friends and family to shell out their own dollars so they'll get swindled too."

Chip: "What I'd like to do is set up some recording equipment in the local haunted sorority house. Sure, we might catch a ghost, but we'd almost certainly catch the legendary bra-and-panties tickle fights that go on there every night, which I think would be even better."

However, what's really important with a film like this is what the fanboys think. Let's check in with someone called HarryCalder on the Ain't It Cool News site:

"You know that girl who keeps telling you how hot she is in bed, the crazy things she'll do to you, "just beg for it, baby, and I'll rock your world," etc.? And then you finally get her in the sack, and she's certainly a fun time, but ultimately kind of forgettable? "Paranormal Activity" is smelling like that girl right about now... Calm the fuck down, sweetie...".


Anonymous said...

The insistence upon Dr. Noggin's continued reliance on boner jokes in previous comments is not well taken here. But to elaborate, Paranormal Activity sucked. The swindler description was accurate, and I had to endure the movie with three boner NYU students behind me saying "Oh, shit" every fucking time the "demon" appeared. Side note: article from NYTimes lets us know that the director is the main male character, who is not in fact dead and who had no other problems with demons after his girlfriend and he broke up. Thus proving that women are, in fact, Satan's spawn and were cast out of the Garden of Eden first--with good reason. Anyways, if one cares for jokes about not only boners, but also balls, poop and destructive interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex, one need watch Vince Vaughn's latest knife-thrust into his briefly-burgeoning movie career, Couple's Retreat. I saw this one completely fucking hung over may have accidentally enjoyed a few jokes. Again, the effects of alcohol on my twenties are terrifying. Although seeing Jason Bateman dry-hump Sarah Marshall was stellar if not sterilizing. 50$ down the drain on movies is the bottomline; quick Noggs, ask your hipster buddies how much PBR that could have afforded me at the Retard!

the guy in the R-rated movie said...


Yeah, I'm boycotting Couples Retreat entirely (I'll rewatch Swingers instead).

Here's what was learned from Paranormal: sometimes an invisible demon will fucking bite you!

--now I'm going to pick up a couple of Quinton's waitresses and pull a Fredo!

Probably Mr. Smithers said...

I'm so happy that I am likely the one responsible for this complete overuse of fuck.


...see, I through the little 't' in there to appeal to today's jack-fucked youth... who find such things amusing.