Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ask Tweetnastyy: The Debut of Larryville's Hottest Advice Column! !

Our Twitter-buddy Tweetnastyy's recent guest column proved so popular that we felt compelled to offer her a recurring an advice columnist. In the debut of "Ask Tweetnastyy," she takes on such important topics as cuddling, farting, hooking up, and indulging in polyamorous relationships. Listen and learn, and send future questions to our comments sections or directly to Nastyy at her e-mail address below. Enjoy!

Dear Nastyy: What's the proper way to cuddle with a new squeeze?

Glad you asked! I like that this question indicates there are different ways to cuddle a new squeeze than how you would cuddle an "old squeeze". After a while, you find out what they like and are able to talk openly about what feels good, or where their old people joints/muscles hurt. For a movie, or an upright sitting situation, nothing beats the comfy nuzzle. I'm going to speak in terms of how I do things. I'm progressive and everything but my experience is mostly me (a girl) cuddling boys. Apply your gender specifics accordingly, you crazy horny children. Just rest your dainty little lady-head on his shoulder while he wraps his meaty man-gun around your shoulder. If that gets old, just bone down ASAP. You probably don't have much hope if you can't even be comfortable in each other's arms for short periods of time so it's best to just have one last sweaty hurrah and part ways. If you find yourself in a lay-down snuggle conundrum, spooning is WHERE IT'S AT. Don't gasp now, but I'm a pretty good little spoon. There's the ever-present dilemma of where to put the arm on which you decide to lie. I curl it around my head like a pillow. Figure I've got a good hour before my shit falls asleep and by then I'll probably be on my back anyway.

Gonna two-parter this answer because someone asked me how I stifled my farts with a new suitor. (I have since gradually introduced said suitor to my special brand of gasoline and things are still going well.) Somehow you must mentally change the way your insides work. That is the only way I can explain it. You have to will your guts to just chill the fuck out until release is acceptable. If you HAVE to do this, somehow you will. Just convince yourself you will die if you fart. You just might (of embarrassment).

Dear Nastyy: Do you have any tips for hip guys/gals for meeting people in Lawrence?

Well, for casual hook-ups, you can't really go wrong in the bar scene. Do you guys know how horny drunk young people are in Lawrence? Like, waaaay horny! You can take advantage of this, and it's affordable. Usually, you can just show up at the Replay at 2am and scoop up a stumbling ball of lust. No cover, no risky drink purchases, just sweet sweet hottie harvest. If you're looking for something more than a one-night stand, I say just stick with part one and eventually you'll wake up next to someone and won't be inclined to gnaw your own arm off. Keep them around. Make (or buy) them breakfast. Get their phone number. But like, actually keep it and use it. Someone's gonna like the way you work it. No diggity.

Dear Nastyy: Why do so many people frown upon polyamorous relationships?

Excellent question. I read up a little on polygamy because I was uneducated on the subject. It turns out there's more to polyamory than just fucking around. I don't really understand how people still "frown upon" what others do privately, especially polyamory (especially in Lawrence). Everyone's fucking. Who are we kidding? Why should your desire to sleep with new people hinder your chances of being in a healthy relationship? People are uptight, even in Lawrence. They're going to be skeptical of anything they don't understand or haven't practiced themselves. I say if you're happy, and your partners are happy, who cares what other people think? This is kind of obvious, but really. Anyone who is not okay with it has every right to decide it's not for them and back out. No one's in the dark when it comes to polyamorous relationships and honesty is the best policy. To be honest, the thought of polyamory just wears me out.

Hope I helped one OR ALL of you. Please feel free to send all your burning questions, love letters, and nudes, to!!


Anonymous said...

Just stupid.

Dear Nastyy said...

Why are our Anonymous critics so bitter and unhelpful?

Raymond Munoz said...

Because they feel ballsy behind anonymity and their keyboard while huddling around the space heater in their mom's basement. And they're jealous that they didn't think of Ask Nastyy first!

The Capt is Impressed said...

Way fucking cool. Three thumbs on the new advice column. It's a fresh spin on everything hip in Larryville and it gives me renewed hope that I can talk my girlfriend into a three-way.

Isaiah said...

How do I get rid of beer shits without quitting beer drinking?

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Richard's friend Erin said...

Oh fucking a, sister. Get a life. And a sense of humor. The female readers of the LC are in on this joke and have been for YEARS now. More than three, to be sure (there was a previous incarnation of this blog before the current form). The joke was funny before you got here and it's going to be just as fucking funny after you stop reading. Which hopefully will be now. Richard knows I don't always find everything here to be funny, but I grant the author his subject, as the saying goes (roughly). If you don't like boner jokes and other slightly offensive ramblings, go read something else!

I've never understood why some people keep coming back to talk shit about this blog. We don't go to whatever sad little blog and talk shit on whateverthefuck it is you write about OR about your personal life (since you totally just went there with your comments about Richard). Know why? Because we have better things to do than be haters. You should feel privileged that I even took the time to upbraid you here; I get a little protective of Richard, you see. Anyway, get over yourself and stop leaving notes here about what you think about the blog and about my friend Richard.

Captain Catheter said...

Now, now, Jenny, that's harsh. You are on to something though with regard to the time line. Richard should have gotten some nookie from one of those wenches from the English dept. by now. I like to check in here because it connects me to the plebeian mindset of the masses. I feel cheap and white trash, as if I were at a Pearl Jam concert with the chick at Wal-mart that I chatted up and took up on offer to "rock-out" at the "show", hoping to fuck later, and did, a much better "show" indeed. But you are right about the strange intersection of desire and lack that is the subtext to these entries. I wonder what one of these wenches from the English dept. would say. Is Richard's blog worth a handjob?

Richard's enemy, cool said...

Awesome timing! We're on the same wavelength, Erin! Now save your fucking breath and blow it on Richard.

Chip said...

Richard, are you cheating on me with this Erin?

Capt Captivated! said...

Greatest comment thread ever! And someone even took the Capt moniker to new heights! I'm sooo hard right now!

yes, we removed you said...

Since we remove unecessary personal attacks on not just our friends...but ourselves!

Perhaps you'd be more at home on the LJ-World talkbacks, which thrives on anger.

Why do I get left out of this shit? said...

What the fuck?!?

Shenanigans! And I wasn't invited?

Fuck. All of You.

And Merry Christmas, BITCHAZ!

--Stupid, too?