Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Boys Consider Larryville's Proposed "Outright Ban" on Downtown Panhandling! / Also: The Boys' Country Corner is Back Again!

For some time now, the city fathers have been threatening to get tough on Larryville's supposedly ever-increasing number of panhandlers. Recent legislation considered a ban on "aggressive panhandling," but tonight City Commissioner Aron Cromwell is going all the way and asking the city to completely ban people "from either verbally asking for money or holding a sign, can or other device used to collect money in the downtown" (LJ-World). The ordinance would cover "the area from Sixth Street to 14th Street and from Vermont to New Hampshire streets" (LJ-World).

Chip: "Obviously, I favor this, but it remains unclear to me how this prohibition is to be enforced. I mean, these people can't afford fines, so that threat is unlikely to be effective. I'd propose chasing them across the river into North Larryville and just let them have the run out of that area, since no civilized person ever ventures over there anyway."

The LJ-World's article contains this passage:

" 'We had a really, really difficult summer with panhandling,' said Cromwell, who estimated there were as many as 30 different panhandlers at one time on Massachusetts Street during parts of the summer.

Richard: "I think he's getting these excessive numbers mixed up with the Larryville Busker Festival. Those people had permits, Cromwell!"

Here's the LJ-World's picture to illustrate the problem:

Richard: "Oh, my friend Brian and I talked to this dude over the summer. He played us a tune on his keyboard that sounded like a horror film soundtrack and we gave him a buck because he told us he needed to go to Seattle. One method of getting rid of the panhandlers might be for everyone to just give them a buck or two and let them head off to wherever it is they are trying to go."


As far as the boys are concerned, no genre of music understands the mind of the average American male more than country music, and Tim McGraw's new song, "It's a Business Doing Pleasure With You," offers one of the most insightful looks at male/female relationships that we've seen in some time. Let's take a look:

"You got me walkin' past the fellas
Holdin' drinks with pink umbrellas
on some island that I can't even spell
Then we slide over to Gucci
Right before we go for sushi...

Your gonna break my bank before too long
I'm taking out a loan
But when you turn your kind of lovin' on
Honey I just can't say no, no no no no no no"

Chip: "Beneath its seemingly lighthearted, formulaic 'the-things-one-does-for-love' kind of commentary is a more serious exploration of how today's women seem intent on pushing otherwise 'manly' men into a role that, aside from the heterosexual fucking, reflects behaviors more commonly associated with homosexuality, such as drinking fruity drinks, shopping, and eating sushi. The repetition in the final line of the chorus might seem comical at first glance but it soon becomes apparent that the 'no' is, in fact, a serious cry for help."

Richard: "I'll do a lot of things for pussy but I won't eat sushi."


Anonymous said...

Fuck Cromw.ll. That dude in the picture has an extremely cool collection of (stolen) bikes that he is glad to tell you about. He has actually never asked me for money either. So why boot him from the otherwise ambiguous Mass St area that caters to no one in particular? All those cheap-ass hipster mother fuckers go down there every weekend bitching about 3$ beer specials and 2$ covers at the Retard, kick those shit heads out too, while you're at it, Crommy. That kid never bitches about service at the Mirth on Saturdays when his honey-whole-wheat-blueberry-and-banana pancakes come cold and not cooked through...he also never complains when I get him high and less-than-stellar, non-medical-grade pot that I have laced with formaldehyde for that extra sweetness we all so much enjoy...he's a nice guy, fucked in the head now, but nice. Anyways, I forgot where I was going with this, so I think I'll go roll another doobie and consider more ways to destroy the hipster regime of Lawrence...

nog said...

Adam, I think you're the only person reading these days and I applaud you for it!

That kid in the picture plays a mean keyboard and I prefer his work to Black Christmas by a country mile. Why do those hipsters get a perennial sweet Halloween gig at the Jackpot each year while he gets sent packing? Sometimes Larryville isn't fair.

I think Kip enjoys cocktails weenies said...

Nah, I'm here...

I'm just disgusted by the fact that you you neither see that eating sushi is DIRECTLY proportional to eating sushi and that, while I think we all enjoy our beef slightly rare, it's also important to diversify your food preparations to ensure that she'll scissor fuck with you.

--*nods* Yep, that's it.

PS... if you catch my meaning

scissor fuck! said...

Weren't we promised an in-depth series on scissor-fucking, complete with illustrations?

America loves porn!

An important publishing opportunity said...

I would like the illustrations to be part of a Larryville Chronicles coloring book so that I could color my scissorfucker anyway I please (as a call to diversity) and then stick my penis into it.

--And then I'll play "Quinton's" and get lemon juice all over my crank as I try to make the coldest Corona in town.

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! said...

While I agree with many of Chip's observations about McGraw's latest attempts at lyrics, I think a more queer-friendly (or perhaps homophobic) reading of McGraw might find the speaker, how do I say, "protesting too much"? It's as if the repetition at the end is a desperate attempt to convince his audience of the speaker's hyper-masculinity, that his true masculine raison d'etre, banging hot babes, is too compelling a force, and thus it's actually his masculinity which demands he participate in cultural activities previously deemed "gay".

The question then is: Do we believe the speaker? Is this woman's mons venus so powerful that he will break any social or cultural taboo to get it, or does the dude just love sipping on an appletini on the beaches of Martinique, gossiping with the girls, but is too frightened to admit it?

Just another intellectually stimulating round of the Country Corner!

Anonymous said...

I, too, would enjoy sticking the business end of my cock johnson into Chip!

--Could Chip be the Chronicle's first bitch of choice?!?

This is hip, right? said...

Has anyone considered a calender of Kip posing as tasteful nudes? Perhaps artistic representations of him with a cheese steak sandwich? Or possibly holding a small, conspicuously place puppy a la Burt Reynolds in Playgirl?

Delicate fist play?

Anonymous said...

I totally meant to comment on today's article about the vampire girl--who, might I add, I have banged and she was totally not into the vampire shit when I squirted and tried to bite her hoping to grab that extra bit of sensation (...that I have never yet found after trying autoerotic asphyxiation, beating it, of course), bitch; anyways--this is awesome. The Chip calendar would be sweet, especially if we superimposed his virtual face all over the girls of KU calendar along with the philly cheese and maybe a dildo and maybe even another woman's body, scissoring Chip's superimposition victim, with Dr. Noggy's face superimposed on that one. There would be so much supering and imposing and scissoring--and masturbating on the viewer's end--that I imagine we'd bring about the end of the world. Fuck yes. That'll show those goddamned hipsters. WE end the world when WE want to! And, surprise, it came about through scissor-fucking, which is amazing to talk about. Thank the Heavens!

New Moon also gives me a boner said...

This whole conversation has given me a very uncomfortable erection. Well, I mean the boner is nice and all, I'm just not sure what I want to fuck (let alone scissor fuck).

--This seems like a definite call for... THE GROPING BOOTH!

former groping booth participant said...

Wow, folks, it's a real shock when I come back to these posts and find you all in here having yourselves a nice little circle jerk while talking about Chip.

What have I wrought?

Anonymous said...

I remember one night when I baked a delicious meatloaf with mashed potatoes and set it on the kitchen counter with a picture of Kip's face on it so that it would both look and feel just like him when I fucked it.

It also tasted quite good.

--But that was before the gravy