Thursday, April 30, 2009

A "Dialogue" On Cougars Starring Several Readers and Chip! / Plus, This Week in KU News: A Surprise Visit from Taylor Swift!

On last night's episode of "The Cougar," one of the 'cubs' learned a painful lesson that the boys themselves discovered at Quinton's long ago: the ability to recite large swathes of poetry or Shakespeare will not necessarily get you laid.

Yes, the cubs performed in a talent show in hopes of winning a "group date" with their cougar, but she opted for a guy who cleverly imitated Borat's sexual innuendoes as opposed to the sensitive man in the group, whose Shakespearean monologue failed to sufficiently impress the ever-horny cougar.

We're three episodes in and still no one has had sex, but ads for next week's program reveal that one lucky fellow will soon be getting some one-on-one time in the "cougar den" (yes, Cl.thier, this term is used on the program).

A discussion of "cougars" has been raging in the LC's talkback section, and today we offer a few choice thoughts:

Cl.thier, local tunesmith, questions the entire mythos of 'cougars': "Yes, we'd all like to think there are incredibly hot 40ish women roaming random bars, prowling swanky nightspots, just looking for hot, no-strings-attached "wild jungle-cat sex," but is it really just a ploy, a front to lure attractive young men into a conventional domestic relationship with an aging woman afraid of being a spinster? In the end, is the "cougar" a strategy devised by women to play into male sexual fantasies reminiscent of the "Mrs. Robinson Scenario"? I mean, after crazy cougar sex, is said lady going to get up, saunter into the bathroom, open up her days-of-the-week pillbox, and pop some calcium tablets to fend off osteoporosis and estrogen pills to level out those post-menopausal hormones? Is the cougar den really a sex palace, or just a carefully designed trap? My heart says sex den, but my mind screams a warning. Wait, did I say my heart? Wrong muscle all together."

The Red Vixen, from California, a rare female perspective in this boys' club, insists that the 'cougar' is indeed based on sex: "Clearly, what defines a cougar is the nature of the relationship - for the cougar, it's about sex. That's not my question, though I think we can safely say cougars exist, just maybe not in the numbers you all think (or wish) they do. My question is: how old does a woman have to be to be a cougar, and how young (i.e. what's the minimum age difference) does the *bobcat* need to be for this *relationship* to be an encounter with a cougar?" [She was later told by an expert that a cougar must be at least 42 and financially better off than her twenty-something sex-toy].

Chip, quoted at Quinton's this week, weighed in: "If I ever start to prefer a sorostitute's mother to a sorostitute herself, it's time to put this old stud out to pasture."


The boys had an occasion this week to turn their attention to younger women when platinum-selling country-pop artist Taylor Swift, 20, made a surprise visit to KU to sit in on a Media and Society class (appropriately enough) with a friend of hers who attends college here. Naturally, the Twitters of other students alerted a large crowd to her presence, many of whom were waiting outside when the class ended. According to the UDK, one male fan (sounding suspiciously like Chip), shouted at the singer: "You look pretty."

Richard: "Although she falls well outside what Dr. C calls my 'gentleman's seven,' I'd have probably banged Ms. Swift, had she visited my class, just because she's a celebrity and I think it would have made a good story to tell later students."

Chip: "It's my understanding that every attractive celebrity has made a celebrity-sex tape, but so far I'm unable to locate one from Ms. Swift. But I did find this picture of her driving a truck, which is nice. Notice how she's looking back over her shoulder as if to say, 'Hey, you wanna ride in my truck?'"


Dr. C said...

Are you sure that's a truck she's in? It looks pretty low. I think it's probably a classic Caddy--in my opinion a better choice. A hot blonde in a cherry ride like that--very nice.

I do think cougars are a real phenom, although not as common as any one of us may hope. Divorcees are now not only permitted, but encouraged to be sexually active and openly available. Many have been emotionally burned, are financially independent, and hormonally driven to heights of desire usually above anything they've experienced in their lives.

With crazy fitness programs, money for the best fashions, even plastic surgery, some of them are pretty hot . . . at least until you get them undressed.

you know what they say said...

"If a girl drives a truck, that means she'll fuck." (a classic slogan in rural America).

--but it's probably a Caddy

bobcat-in-training said...

A clear-eyed look at the cougar phenomenon - thank you, Dr. C!

A true feminist! said...

Could we not just say that needy, sexually repressed women who finally blossom into their decrepit horniness in their 40s want to get down and saucy with the young men in their late teens/ early twenties also entering into their peak!

Admittedly -- most of these supposed cougars -- with their floppity nugs and pasty girth the likes of which make Kip look like a Division I Track Runner are repellent to even the most desperate eye as their lack of hornitude has led them to a body type not un-analogous to a banana slug, but, as Dr. C postulates... these women of zeppelinesque carriage could easily have a little snip here and a little tuck there to become worthy of true cougar status!

By which I mean: hot enough to earn their own TV-Land show where the goal is to get into their pants and pray that the spider veins are not inhabited by actual spiders!

But ultimately, I think we can all agree that the old should fuck off-camera and in a small whore house secretly run by equally gross mongoloids.

mongoloid cougar lover! said...

"Small whore house secretly run by equally gross mongoloids."

Where is this magical place and when are we going?!

network executive said...

I think we've just found America's newest reality show: "Mongoloid Cougars!"

(wasn't it also a 50's sci-fi flick?).