"The people who made 17 Again don't want to waste time reminding the movie's core fans why they're there. So right away, we see a shirtless Zac Efron on the basketball court, practicing his moves, radiating an innocent musk, his smoothly muscled torso seemingly gleaming with — not sweat — dew. The camera not only loves the 21-year-old actor but laps him; it wants to wring the moisture from his socks and drink it. Few female stars of Hollywood's golden age received the luminous, slow-motion, soft-focus devotion Efron gets here. The idea is to stir the audience, and not just the young girls, to a collective rapturous sigh."
Chip: "First off, readers, as you know, I'm straight as an arrow, but this review, disturbingly, gave me a boner! Second, that comment about drinking the guy's sock-sweat is just...weird. Surely all that most of Efron's tweener fans want is to hold his hand. Corliss, why do you have to turn everything so sexual?"
Richard: "I can't wait until I become a professional film critic so I can get paid to write articles about lapping up Scarlett Johannsen's 'dew.'"
The boys feelings about Quinton's can best be summed up in Chip's four word review of the place: "Terrible food, beautiful titties."
But how do other Larryvillians feel about the venerable restaurant/sorostitute playground. Let's take a look at the Quinton's talkback on Lawrence.com to find out.
Larrynative says: "The service has been so so at times but I think they hire people based on attractiveness and not work ethic."
jgrant14 says: "Bottom line rookies, you don't even know how good you got it at Quintons Downtown. Always a girl to bang at this spot. Go get yourself soco lime. No two bartenders will charge the same thing to anyone. Show an ounce of cool and maybe they'll take care of you."
missmagoo says: "the wait staff is good looking but sometimes dumb as rocks. Just be prepared to have Barbie wait on you but the food will be worth it.
n126 says: "To Missmagoo and those who like to bash Quinton's waitresses as Hooters girls, Barbies, dumb as rocks, etc: It is evident from your choice of words in describing the servers that you are merely jealous of something that you aren't and wish you could be. Coming from one of the "Barbies" who have to work to support themselves while going to school full-time (as is every other waitress there), I hope you realize that we can spot your types in a second, and we hope that someday you will find something better to do with your free time than bash those who are better than you (and consequently better looking)."
Chip: "Oh, I bet I know which waitress wrote that! She's as feisty as she is hot! I'd drink her sock-sweat."
Readers, if you're looking for a fun--but also ecologically important--book to read to your children during this Earth Day week, allow us to recommend Adventures of a Plastic Bottle: A Story About Recycling. Amazon's product description explains: "Peek into this diary of a plastic bottle as it goes on a journey from the refinery plant, to the manufacturing line, to the store shelf, to a garbage can, and finally to a recycling plant where it emerges into it's new life...as a fleece jacket! Told from the point of view of a free-spirited plastic bottle, kids can share in the daily experiences and inner thoughts of the bottle through his personal journal."
Chip: "When I think about little Larryville boys and girls being forced to hear this night after night from their oh-so-progressive, 'green' parents, it makes me want to cry. I'll just bet they are begging for some Poky Little Puppy or some Three Little Pigs, only to hear, 'No, Timmy, finish your tofu and I'll tell you about the plastic bottle, again.'"
Richard: "I tend to agree with you, Chip, but just imagine how we might have turned out differently, and better, if our parents had regaled us with such ecologically sound tales. We might not burn our plastic water bottles in the backyard if we'd heard this shit when we were four."