Now I attended their Earth Day "happening" yesterday in South Park thinking that, at the very least, I could enjoy a nice corndog. Instead, I found myself confronted by this:
Free or not, readers, vegan food is best avoided. My old grandpappy told me that even one bite of it could be enough to turn a man into a treehugger.
This next photo is even more distressing. Notice the look of sadness and confusion on this child's face as he is made to sit in a hippie music-circle all day and participate in their incessantly noodling. He may, in fact, be as stoned as they are, and within a few years the poor kid will probably honestly start to believe he's having a good time and will be found in the front row at a String Cheese Incident show.
I left soon after this, but on my way out I saw and heard, in the distance, a mysterious chanting. I turned to witness a horrible pagan dance ritual (pictured below) that no doubt culminated in a sweaty, smelly orgy. Naturally, I called the police...only to be informed that they were busy investigating the latest local stabbing incident at the Cross Town Tavern at the moment but would try to find time later to 'harass the hippies', a hobby they'd been missing since Wakarusa got cancelled."