Thursday, April 2, 2009

More Exciting Women's Basketball Coverage! / Plus, The Boys Prepare to Vote for City Commissioners Next Week / Also, It's National Poetry Month!

At this week's board meeting at Quinton's, Chip vowed to leave town if attendance at last night's WNIT Final Four game at Allen Fieldhouse surpassed 5000, claiming that the program was the second most useless institution in Larryville, behind the "T" Transit system.

Well, pack your bags, Chip, because 8360 (sudden) fans filed into the Fieldhouse to watch the Lady Jayhawks defeat Illinois State. Today's LJ-World is bursting with news of the victory, including a prediction from the coach that Saturday's championship game might actually draw a full house if everyone who attended last night would only bring a single friend.

Chip: "First off, friends don't bring friends to women's basketball. Second, I hope people will remember that the real Final Four is on TV that day. And third, it's sad to see my daily paper full of such 'news' when this time of year should be bringing me nonstop, important coverage of whether Sherron 'Elevator Cock' Collins and Cole 'the Sheriff' Aldrich will return next year or go pro."


On April 7, Larryville citizens (or somewhere around 10% of them) will head to the polls to elect new City Commissioners. What qualities do the boys look for in a local leader?

Richard: "The most important issue to me right now is hedgehog rights. We've made them legal, now we've got to keep them legal. And I also want someone who will fight to make it legal for me to own other, even more ridiculous animals, such as badgers. Or maybe bobcats. My pick for City Commissioner is Tom Johnson, general manager of KJHK, because I assume he'll do good things for local hipsters, such as maybe reducing the price of PBR at the Replay by a quarter, or making sure that the Transmittens play at least a gig per month."

Chip: "My primary concern right now is local violence. I'm looking for someone who will shut down Club Axis and bring in a better, safer establishment there, such as perhaps a new Quinton's. I've seen enough sweet titties in this town to believe that Larryville can easily support two Quinton's."


The boys love April, National Poetry Month, and the LC plans plenty of poetry coverage this month, including a special edition of Harry Lupus in verse (Cl.thier?) and an event in which the boys read some of their favorite poems, such as Paul Muldoon's "Hedgehog." Here's an excerpt:

The hedgehog
Shares its secret with no one.
We say, Hedgehog, come out
Of yourself and we will love you.

We mean no harm. We want
Only to listen to what
You have to say. We want
Your answers to our questions.


rollergirl! said...

So are the ladies still wearing rollerskates to play?

Dr. C said...

ha-ha! A nice old-school Quinton's allusion!

That remark drove a wedge between myself and "Chip" that never healed.

Also, isn't the NIT the loser's tournament? It's a sign of serious basketball let-down if almost 9000 people showed up to watch the ladyhawks in the loser's bracket.

losers unite! said...

We're aiming for at least 12,000 tomorrow. Chip may never return from Forttt Scottt after this!

cl.thier said...

On a positive(ly weird) note, the Jayhawk Women's BBall team paid a visit to my wife in the hospital when she had our son. Alas, the women chose to visit WHILE my wife was in labor, and just sort of stared in disbelief as they saw a glimpse of their futures! And, ironically, they gave us cheap, knock-off football gear as gifts. The LJ-World ran a story the next day saying that the girls enjoyed seeing the look of happiness on the face of their visitors. The only look on my wife's face was a "What the Fuck Are You Doing Here and Why Aren't You Leaving" look, and there ain't no way you can confuse that with "happiness" - trust me.

Mindi said...

Ah...the infamous "horses on rollerskates" comment. The memories. And for the record, I did not slap Chip, though the comment certainly merited such a response.

I have a female basketball player in my class this quarter. I don't think she visits maternity wards, and since she's about 5'6" I'm not sure she's really on the team.

your journalist said...

I believe the old "What the fuck are you doing here and why aren't you leaving?" look is the exact same look Chip is giving the women while they are taking up Fieldhouse space right now.

In my mind, Mindi slapped Chip.

"ch.p" said...

Whoa whoa whoa - they let the girls play at Allen Fieldhouse?! Can't they just borrow the Free State or Lawrence High gyms, or maybe play over at Haskell? They don't need the whole court, right, don't they play loser's outs? And does constantly lowering the baskets to eight feet have an adverse effect on the equipment? If those rollerskates mess up the floor, I'm going to be pissed - no wheel marks on the excessively gigantic Jayhawk, ladies, or back to the farm with you!