Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Wednesdays are for Cougars and Werewolves! (Dr. C. Returns for Today's Lupus Episode)

During a lecture last night at Quinton's, Cl.thier observed that TV's newest reality hit, The Cougar, is opening up an important national "dialogue" on gender issues. That debate is on display in the LC's talkback section, but we plan to showcase some of our readers' most penetrating (!) thoughts on the subject later this week. In the meantime, don't forget to watch Episode 3 of "The Cougar" tonight at 9:00. Here's the description from TVLand's website: "The cubs must pick out a new dress for Stacey." (The term 'cubs' seems to be new terminology, not used on the show thus far but cleverly playing up the "baby-like" nature of these young men...hopefully one of them will finally get to bang their cougar tonight and become a man!).

And while you wait for The Cougar, let's turn our attention to boy werewolves (pups?). Dr. C's new entry showcases the heretofore minor character of K!p, Harry's boyhood friend whose ability to tranform into a large bear has made him a fan favorite. Dr. C. examines a largely-neglected question raised by the genre: how does a young shapeshifter find well-fitting clothes given the frequent transformations into beasts? This particular episode is recommended especially for those of you who hung out on Monday (and later Thursday) nights at Quinton's during a particular era. And for all fans of elastic pants and handjobs.

"After tying up the dinghy and kissing Muffy goodbye, Harry walked toward
K!p, who disgustedly closed his Houseman anthology. "Don't tell me you got
lucky again."

Harry smiled broadly. "Just like American beer."

"Don't say it!"

"Fucking close to water."

"Augh. I can't believe you. I couldn't buy a girlfriend and you--they just
fall in your lap."

"Maybe it's the way you dress." Harry gestured at K!p's sweatpants and
hoodie combination. "Every girl's crazy bout a sharp dressed man."

"That's easy for you to say, Lupus. When you wolf out, your jeans stay on,
but when I bear up, even just a little, I get big. And if I'm not wearing
something with a little give, it's gonna tear."

Harry stopped walking and gestured at the Big & Tall men's shop.

"No way," K!p said, "I'm not going in there. Once you start shopping at the
Big & Tall, it's over."

"You're a special case--allow yourself that."

"Nu-uh . . ." K!p trailed off because of the woman who came into view inside
the shop. She was short and curvy. Generous breasts filled out her blouse,
almost to bursting, and if she had a little extra around the middle, well,
it went with the package, and most men wouldn't complain--certainly not K!p,
who said, "That's the prettiest woman I've ever seen in real life."

"Well, there you go, then. You have to go in."

"Okay, I'll shop, but I'm not gonna buy."

So the two boys went in. They walked up to the woman, who said, "Hi."

Harry said, "Hi. We were wondering if you could help us."

"Help you?" the woman sounded puzzled as her full lips held the final sound
slightly longer than necessary. She looked Harry up and down, then said, "I
don't think I have anything in your size."

Harry said, "It's not for me, it's for my friend," but when he looked around
to introduce him, K!p was nowhere to be seen. After hunting him up among
the racks and dragging him bodily back to the saleswoman, he said, "My
friend here was hoping you could help him."

She now looked K!p up and down. Her eyes lingered on his body with
practiced ease, obviously a woman of much experience with the masculine
form. "You don't look like you need any of our specialty products. You
could buy off the rack in most stores."

Emboldened, K!p said, "Yes, but, I, uh, have a condition. My, uh, weight,
it fluctuates."

"Oh, I've got just the thing for you." She led them through the store,
affording them a great view of her tiny ass in her tight knee-length pencil
skirt. Harry smiled at K!p, who couldn't lift his eyes to smile back. When
they reached their destination, she pulled a pair of pinstriped slacks off
the rack.

Harry looked at them and said, "Elastic pants! I'm sorry, but you can't."

The saleswoman cut him off. "Are you telling me your underwear doesn't have
an elastic band?"

"Uh . . . hey, that's different. That's underwear."

She looked K!p in the eye. "These are a perfect solution for someone with
fluctuating weight, and they certainly look better than what you're wearing
now. They'll flatter your figure--give you a lean, sharp look. Try them
on, you'll see." She smiled and handed him the pants.

Harry was about to speak, when K!p said, "Sure, I'll give 'em a try."

Harry and K!p went to the changing room area. K!p went into one of the
booths while Harry waited outside, in the semiprivate hallway ending in
mirrors on both sides. He wondered for a moment how vampires managed to
look so sharp if they couldn't see themselves in the mirror.

Then K!p came out and started looking at his reflection. "That looks all
right," he said.

Harry was skeptical. "I dunno, man, elastic pants . . ."

K!p said, "It was your idea we come in here."

"I know, but . . ."

Just then the saleswoman came into the men's changing area. "Those will do
nicely." She walked up to K!p and dropped to one knee in front of him, a
maneuver barely allowed by her tight skirt. She reached around, grabbed a
back pocket, and adjusted the pants. She straightened the seams in the
front, tracing the entire length of one, then the other with her red-nailed
fingers. "These pinstripes make you look taller, slimmer." She looped her
fingertips inside the pleats on K!p's right side, moving from one to
another, starting at the pocket and moving inward. "Elastic pants are also
good for this." With a single, smooth motion, she grabbed the waistband of
pants and underwear. Before K!p could say anything, her other hand snaked
in and grabbed his dick.

Harry's angle prevented him from seeing exactly what was happening, but he
saw the motion of her arm, slow at first, then more rapid.

Without looking at the woman, K!p said, "Are you a Christian?"

"Sort of . . . I'm Catholic."

"Hey, uh, don't, uh, me, too. Do you believe you can be forgiven for your
sins through the sacrament of confession?"

"Do you consider this a sin?"

"It feels too good. It's got to be a sin." K!p was losing his battle to
keep himself under control. He grew until his great hairy paws scratched at
the ceiling tiles, and he let out a roar of pleasure or rage--Harry couldn't
tell which.

Then the saleswoman said, "Uh, maybe you'd better buy these before you, er,
y'know in 'em."

"Huh?" K!p said.

As they were leaving the store, Harry was laughing. "Man, you got worked.
Did you even look at the tag before you tried 'em on?"

K!p, who had apparently decided on silence as the best course for preserving
what remained of his dignity, said nothing."


I laughed openly. said...

Harry smiled broadly. "Just like American beer."

"Don't say it!"

"Fucking close to water."

--Ohhhhh, you can't write shit like that anymore!

Dr. X's instant review said...


I mean -- Dr. C retains the primalcy of good erotic fantasy in the sense that there really is a woman who would willing touch Ki... I mean K!p's junk in order to sell him pants... while also integrating too much truth into this reality.

Had there been a scene at the Replay where these elastic pants (shouldn't they have been khaki?) had been shamelessly mocked by women and men alike... it would have been perfect.

--I give it 4.5 outta 5 bindles of wolfsbane.

I'd also like to note that if you read this episode to a little Tony Bennett -- the mood is spot on!

delusional guy said...

That kind of shit happens to me in dressing rooms all of the time!

prof. plum returns said...

K!p is like Fonzie on Happy Days (he's becoming more central than the main characters!). But his struggle to find well-fitting clothes seems a powerful metaphor for the adolescent need to "fit" into circumscribed social groups that often result in young men feeling "Othered," as if they are mere animals among a more cultivated (read: human) social-set the rules of which they can't quite grasp. Notice how Dr. C. cleverly portrays K!p as somewhat inarticulate, constantly trailing off, his speech full of "uh"'s: male adolescent speech itself becomes "inhuman" in the work of Dr. C, at least until mature sexuality of the kind witnessed between Harry and Muffy allows young men to reconcile their "savage" urges with "civilized" intercourse as opposed to furtive changing-room handjobs. As this series continues to develop, I think it may rival "The Cougar" in its insight into the contemporary sexual attitudes of young men.

Who is Prof. Plum? said...

I think that's straight on target. Not as funny or as clever as the metatextual shit, but it'll give you a hairy boner and maybe choke you up inside (when you're not choking the chicken).

Are Harry & K!p turning into a buddy team? Are they going to go into crime fighting together?

Anonymous said...

I think a touching gay moment is soon to come!

--That's a pun, too!

Dr. X ponders said...


In regard to that last remark... I seem to recall one of my noodlings has some scary shit going on that boat that seem to have been casually elided over in the past few episodes!

Perhaps, there will be a freaky Lost flashback thing where K!p receives a blow to the head while receiving a prostate exam (because now that K!p is growing older -- he'll need one of those..) that he'll have a lurid flashback to the boat that will explain the missing time!

Also, I expect that what has become of the literal integration of Dr. X may also be explained (I think he went off with the bitches, on a boat... thus leading us to the boys latest exploits!). Likewise, in this moment of disturbing "Dog on K!p on boat" time -- we will learn how strange transmutations in the werewolf/ bear DNA (What the fuck was a bear doing on that boat?) turned K!p into this pants shredding, werebear lothario.

--But where the Hipster zombies come in and how old Doc Noggle becomes some sorta Dwight Yohkam like character encouraging the boys to hook their genitals up to car batteries so as to keep their hearts pumping might hafta be explained through the sublimation of a cl$$$ier (sweet money money!) installment!

guitars and cadillacs said...

Yes, they did get off that boat very easily! (and without a graphic description of fucking, which K!p presumably watched, as dingheys are quite small).

I await Cl.thier's May 6 installment, which is said to be about the East Side Lycanthropes starting a kickball team (modeled on Harry Potter's Quidditch and the baseball played by the vampires in the Twilight series).

And who IS Prof. Plum, that roving academic who appears from time to time to find meaning in this madness?

Dr. C said...

Oh, yeah, I kinda forgot about what all was going on in that boat. I only went back one episode.