This Week In Local Sports: KU Women's Basketball in the Final Four (WNIT); Olympic Village On the Way? / Also: Debate Team Champions!

Sure, they've only had a single road victory since Christmas prior to the tournament, but the KU women's basketball team have (somehow) reached the Final Four of the women's NIT tournament. During last night's victory against New Mexico, the crowd "turned ugly, often booing the referees and throwing ice, small objects and trash on the floor afterward." (LJ-World)

Chip: "I try to be careful what I say about women's basketball, because I once got slapped at Quinton's due to a reference to 'horses' and 'rollerskates,' but just look at that behavior noted above. They have tainted a beautiful sport."

In other news, KU is planning to construct a $24.6 million "Olympic Stadium" for track-and-field and soccer and such. Chancellor Hemenway, defending the plan, points out that newspaper do not have a "poetry page" but they do have a sports section, because that's what people want (LJ-World).

Richard: "I suppose he's right, but I think the new Olympic Village could be used as well to promote interest in poetry, perhaps by having teams of poets fight each other, not just with words, but with fists. And possibly with sticks."

And in other news, the KU debate team has won the national championship for the first time in 26 years.

Chip: "Boring."

The Boys Consider Local Violence / Plus, Keeping Up with Local Anarchists!

With shooting incidents occurring outside both the Hawk and Club Axis in the past week, Larryville residents are understandably concerned about their safety from firearm-wielding thugs (many of whom, according to LJ-World talkbackers, probably come from nearby "Top City"). But here at the LC, we believe the bigger danger is not guns, but knives.

Let us consider some of the area's more prominent knife fights. They entered the local consciousness a few years back with former KU star JR Giddens' much-publicized slash-up outside the now defunct Moon Bar, which then became Club Axis, where a recent incident of "road rage" led to another knife battle outside the 6th Street Burger King, one block from the Jet Lag Lounge, also home to a fairly recent stabdown. This past weekend the knife-action moved to the far Eastside, at Set Em Up Jack's. Are the boys scared?

Richard: "I've started carrying a knife myself and I'm not afraid to cut a motherfucker."

Chip: "It's almost enough to make one start hanging out at the hippie bars. Almost."

---

Larryville's home to local anarchists, the Solidarity Revolutionary Center and Radical Library, has now relocated to a spot near the Sandbar.

Chip: "I'm not happy about this. At the Sandbar, we like to listen to Jimmy Buffett and drink Bahama Mamas and watch fake hurricanes and not worry ourselves about the economy and such. Now we'll probably get stabbed."

Richard: "Word on the street is that the anarchists are forming their own kickball team."

The LC Checks Back in With Their Favorite New Local Blogger, The Drunken Concert Reviewer! / Plus, The Boys Celebrate "Earth Hour!"

Last week we introduced you to a new blogger at Lawrence.com who is plowing the same fertile ground as the LC in his sarcasm-drenched consideration of local hipster culture. After his first post was taken to task as being "too drunken" by hipsters oblivious to irony, he calls his new post a "sober concert review" of last week's Handsome Furs/Dri show at the Jackpot (but you heard about that show here first, readers!).

Drunken Concert Reviewer rates each show in terms of music quality and level of his drunkeness: for example, the Furs show gets a 2 out of 10, meaning he only had two beers (Chip: "But what if he drinks more than ten?). It's a somewhat amusing rating scale, but we at the LC still believe our own patented PBR rating-system to be more hilarious and appropriate.

Drunken mostly plays it safe this week, perhaps intimidated by the tough hipster talkback of last week, but he does take one great shot at an unnamed local band in town:

"One band [in Larryville] keeps playing the same songs from their 2004 album – which happens to be their only album. Hey you guys! Play some new stuff, will ya?"

Richard: "Ten bucks says that particular local band will read his blog on Lawrence.com and post something snarky in his talkback within the week. But don't back down Drunken Concert Reviewer! We support your work!"

---

Last night, cities across the world celebrated "Earth Hour," dimming "non-essential" lights in major cities to show support for the fight against global warming. Did Forttt Scottt participate?

Chip: "A) we didn't know about it, and B) Dog the Bounty Hunter was on at that hour."

Sweet Sixteen Wrap-Up

The Jayhawks have ended their run in the NCAA tournament, meaning that the boys are unlikely to see bare breasts on Mass. Street in the coming weeks (unless they stay late at Quinton's some Tuesday).

But surely local fans are satisfied by a solid tournament performance from such a young team?

Chip: "I bonded with Self at the Yacht Club. I saw the man's penis at the urinal. I'm surprised he let me down."

And what are the LJ-World on-line "talk-backers" having to say today?

[actual comments]

Marlboro_Man2 (Anonymous) says…: Yeah, good season, but Aldrich still played like a little b!tch last night! Get some heart and we'll see you next year. Maybe next year we will play like we actual want it."

Lawrenceman40 (Anonymous) says...: "Self lovers, enjoy watching Mizzou play for a place in the Final Four. Self should be fired today."

jimjones (Anonymous) says… : "We have to fire Bill Self; we should do it this weekend."

The Boys Consumer Corner: Grey's Anatomy Video Game!

If you're a true Jayhawk fan, you're already hammered right now in anticipation of tonight's Sweet Sixteen game. But in case anyone is out there reading, let's take a look at one of the year's most impressive new video games: Grey's Anatomy.

"You'll live out the most intense moments of a Grey's Anatomy crisis through your favorite characters' eyes, hands, minds and hearts. Beyond completing complicated surgical procedures, you'll be challenged with managing complex relationships and making difficult decisions, both in life and love."

Chip: "There's so much talk about advances in graphics and such, but the greatest thing about today's video games is that you can have sex in them. For instance, I'm very active in Second Life, and my avatar, Trip Snidely, is always gettin' it on. Back in the dark ages, Ms. Pac Man and her beau only shared a chaste kiss. Don't get me wrong, it still gave me a boner, but it's nothing like this Grey's-style sexiness."

Richard: "Yes, indeed, I look forward to playing McDreamy and boning my way through the game. But I'm excited for the action too. I hope they include the infamous 'ferry accident' storyline."

The Boys Consider the Sweet Sixteen / Plus, a New Feature: The LC's Celebrity Spotlight!

No one expected this year's ragtag band of drunken Memphis twins and elevator-flashers to make it to the Sweet Sixteen, so the town is understandably excited for tomorrow's rematch clash with Michigan State. Exciting too is the fact that it's a late-game, allowing everyone nine or so hours of uninterrupted drinking before gametime, plenty of time to reminisce about last year's march to the championship: the dancing in the streets, the camaraderie with complete strangers in bars, the sweet, sweet Mass. Street titties.

Chip: "I assume we're doomed with every game and especially this one."

Luckily, the team itself doesn't share Chip's pessimism. Coll.ns: "No one expects us to win" (UDK).

---

Like all good Americans, the boys are obsessed with celebrities, from the famous to the not-so-famous. And with sites like www.perezhilton.com and the continous Twitter-feeds of various stars, it's easier than ever to find out who Lindsey Lohan is boning. But surely the lives of the famous are not so different from those of the boys, when all is said and done. Take, for instance, the rags-to-riches tale of Ms. Diablo Cody, from stripper to blogger to red-hot screenwriter of Juno, the current master of the teenage lexicon ("Honest to blog!"). A recent New York Times profile examines her writing process, which usually occurs in the company of her three best girlfriends:

"They change out of their work pajamas as the sun goes down and can be found at places like The Village Idiot, Pace and the Chateau Marmont."

Chip: "I doubt I'll ever have a job that allows me to wear work pajamas."

Richard: "It's what I strive for."

Chip: "I know, right?"

Harry Lupus (the Harlequin-romance version) / Plus, the Boys Encounter a Real "Chip" at Quinton's!?

Sure, Harry Lupus was born as a raunchy male rejoinder to the virtually sexless, female-centric sensuality of the Twilight series, but today we take a brief break from the usual vulgarity and offer one for the ladies, in which we re-imagine Harry’s world in a more sensual, Harlequin-romance-inspired fashion (but still with a little vulgarity!). Enjoy.

“As Harry traversed the halls of Stevenson High, he often lingered near the locker of Muffy Sinclair, amusing her with his polite Midwestern charm and chiseled, wolfish features, sometimes leaning in close to sniff her hair, which smelled vaguely reminiscent of the dandelions he once romped in as a mere boy. He was fairly sure she wanted him to one day draw her close in a pure animalistic embrace, feeling her ripe cheerleader bosom against his chest like two spring-fresh melons ready to be plucked from Old Man Hyde’s melon patch, his straining wolfhood pressed between them, throbbing like a divining rod that he once saw an old gypsy use to discover an artesian well. Oh, to discover Muffy’s hidden depths is what he longed for all those long and lonely Midwestern nights the likes of which John Cougar Mellencamp sang about in “Lonely Ol' Night,” back when he was still called “Cougar,” which inspired Harry to think of himself, well, not as a predatory cat but as a young, hot, wolfman who would one day take what was rightfully his: Muffy. Indeed, he might fuck her right there by the lockers.”


See you next week, Lupus fans (both of you), hopefully with an installment from Dr. C!

---

During their weekly board meeting at Quinton's, the boys this week discovered not the usual fratty/sorostitute crowd but instead a quartet of thirty-something roughnecks, pounding beers and loudly discussing their wives and mistresses while flirting with the waitresses. One of these men, the boys soon learned, was named Chip, and he seemed to be the butt of many a good-natured joke from the other men, because he had to go home and eat dinner before the evening's later rendezvous at the Phoggy Dog. The boys found this discovery of a new Chip, at their usual haunt, to be rife with meaning: it felt almost as if Richard, in creating an artificial "Chip," had somehow called into being a real one, whose life seemed quite similar to the one our own "Chip" longs for in the near-future: a life of domesticity combined with occasional "macho" trips to Quinton's. As Chip and his compatriots adjourned, our Chip screamed (in his mind): "Take me with you, future-Chip!" But future-Chip did not look back. He simply went home to eat his wife's dinner before rejoining his fellows later at the Dog to stare at the sorostitutes and say things like "That girl's got an ass like an onion. Makes me want to cry!"

Today in Local News: Missouri Street Will Remain Missouri Street / Plus, The Boys Book Club Returns and the Decemberists Concept Album Arrives!

The boys were all set to attend today's City Commission meeting to witness the vote on Mayor Hack's proposal to rename part of Missouri Street in honor of Don Fambrough. They assumed it would be the most exciting night at the Commission since young Judson King presented his 30-page portfolio of hedgehog information.

But Hack has now suddenly withdrawn her controversial proposal, even before the vote...perhaps at the pressure of influential Larryvillian "Boog" Highberger? Are the boys disappointed?

Chip: "Obviously, it's a crushing blow to all true Larryville patriots. I was looking forward to strutting down Fambrough Drive with my head held high. Now I'll have to continue doing as I've done for many years: avoiding the street just like I avoid the state itself."

---

A new work called "My Little Red Book" is currently making waves in the literary world. It's a collection of women's memories of their first menstrual period,"named in touching homage to Chairman Mao’s revolutionary manifesto" (NY-Times). The stories are compiled by Rachel Kauder Nalebuff, "a soon-to-be Yale undergraduate and avid unicyclist who has been amassing anecdotes about other ladies’ “Aunt Flo”...since she welcomed her own at age 12." (NY-Times).

Chip: "Gross."

Richard: "I prefer The Vagina Monologues."

NY-Times: "...original yet universal, artistic yet practical, and likely to sell briskly for centuries to come."

---

Sure, if you're a hipster you've already downloaded some choice cuts from the Decemberists' concept-album Hazards of Love by now. But the album itself officially "drops" today, allowing us to hear this tale of lovers and rakes for the first time in its full glory.

Pitchfork gives it a 5.7 and says: "Pedal steel cries alongside swaying accordion on "Isn't it a Lovely Night?", with a precious post-orgasm (post-Pete & the Pirates?) pun... Meloy's voice is at its vulnerable best on the trembling meadow-makeout ballad "The Hazards of Love 2 (Wager All)". I can take the undead children chanting on "The Hazards of Love 3 (Revenge!)", but not the watery wedding vows on the drunken finale."

Richard: "I don't think there's a hipster alive who doesn't love a nice meadow-makeout ballad."

What?! There's a New Hipster Blogger In Town!? / Plus, The Boys Consider Triple-Doubles / Also, Our New Favorite TV Show Is...

So Richard was surfing Lawrence.com the other day (as hipsters do), and discovered a new blog there called "Drunken Concert Reviewer." Its first post recounted the author's drunken adventures at the recent local Andrew Bird concert (which Richard also attended). The blog, similar to this one, offers a satiric take on the pompous nature of local hipsters. Here's a rather lengthy part of his work:

Enter Andrew Bird, the one man symphony. The hipsters are lost in their coolness. No one is moving to the music!...

Yes, this music isn't exactly danceable, but shake your head or something. Don't just stand there! Even for his hit song, most people don't know the words. But that's alright, the violin on loop, coupled with the whistling and lyrics that speak to the soul make up for it. Now the whistling is on loops!

[six PBRs later]

Help! I'm standing in the crowd and there are people sitting on the floor behind me and I need to fart!

[two PBRs later]

There's a 3 foot radius around me. (It must be because I'm dancing.)

[end night, happy]

What do the boys think?

Richard: "First off, the fucker stole my shtick. But mine is funnier."

Chip: "I like the fart joke."

But what do local hipsters think? Judging from the talkback on his blog, they are displeased. "duplenty" says: "Matt, no one minds some drunken humor. Leave it in there. But fart jokes, making fun of everyone else in the joint, and fairly well ignoring the "review" part is...not very compelling reading."

Kansas City's Pitchweekly also seems to miss the point, believing the blog to be the work of a serious journalist who simply got too drunk to properly review the show.

The boys' hope "Drunken Concert Reviewer" sticks around and Richard may well challenge him to a blogging duel.

---

Cole "The Sherriff" Aldrich pulled off a triple-double in yesterday's second-round NCAA conference game, "the first official triple-double in school history" (LJ-World).

Chip: "I can't believe classes were not cancelled today to honor this achievement. Since when did athletics become more important than sports around here?"

---

The LC thanks their friend Beth, local reality-show expert, for turning us onto a new series. The E! Channel is set to premiere a new series called "Hot Girls in Scary Places," a reality show about three USC cheerleaders who spend the night in "haunted" places for cash prizes.

Chip: "Oh, I hope they wear tight shirts so we can see their nipples get hard when they discover paranormal 'cold spots.' This show reminds me of Scooby Doo, but without the dog and the nerdy chick and the guys."

Richard: "Easily the best idea for a reality show since 'MILF Island.' "




---

Continuing Coverage of the Missouri Street Controversy! / Plus, The Boys Consider KJHK's Twitterings from the South By Southwest Festival!

The boys favorite local story at the moment is Mayor Sue Hack's proposal to rename a portion of Missouri Street in honor of former football coach and well-known Missouri-hater Don Fambrough. The boys are normally huge fans of current City Commissioner "Boog" Highberger, but in this instance he's become one of the most vocal opponents of the change, calling it "petty and childish" (LJ-World). Hack disagrees, saying that the plan is all about honoring Fambrough, not about hating Missouri: "If it were about the hatred of Missouri, I would have suggested not even having a Missouri Street in Lawrence at all."

Chip: "That's an even better idea, Mayor!"

The city fathers are slated to decide the issue in a meeting this Tuesday.

---

KJHK's website has done something absolutely delightful for local hipsters who are unable to make it to Austin for SXSW this year. They've offered us a link to a Twitter site allowing us to follow the progress of a local hipster through the shows this week. Here are a few of his "twitterings":


I would have preferred an Undertones cover from the Pink Spiders, but the Cars works. Teenage Bottlerocket is next, then the Queers!

Kevin Seconds drummed for Kepi. And they covered Devil Town by Daniel Johnston.

I will be watching pop punk all night at Red 7. Wearing a red bandana around my neck and an orange UFB tshirt. Come say hi and buy me beer.

Bouncing Souls at Red 7. It has been 11 years since I last saw them. Here we go here we go here we go!

I was drinking a doublewhiskeycokenoice while listening to the song of the same name. Wow. I love SXSW.


Chip: "It all sounds like a foreign language to me, and a very ugly one."

Richard: "I love the fact that he announces where he is and what he's wearing so that random Twittering hipsters can find and party with him. I may start doing that too."

The Boys Consider the Sandbar's "Indoor Hurricane" / Plus, KC Artists Love Trees Too! / And a South by Southwest Update!

When Richard witnessed the Sandbar's float in Tuesday's St. Patty's parade (pictured below), he was reminded how lucky Larryville is to have such an interesting tourist attraction as the bar's "indoor hurricane," a nightly simulated hurricane complete with wind and emergency news broadcasts and mermaid dancers. Although Cl.thier, on a recent evening at the Sandbar, related his severe letdown upon first witnessing the event, the boys nonetheless applaud its novelty and wish more bars would offer quirky shenanigans to amuse them while they get shitfaced.

Richard: "I just wish they'd turn the wind speed up on the hurricane machine so it would whip the shirts clean off the sorostitutes."

Chip: "In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, I find the bar's insistence on continuing this tradition to be insensitive at best...Had you going there, didn't I? Nah, I love this shit and I've seen it eighty-four times."

















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If you're anything like the boys, you've already seen the three Larryville tree-related art exhibits several times each and are craving more. Luckily, Kansas City is getting in on the action. La Esquina is currently hosting an art exhibition called "Happy Tree Friends or Standing: Tree As Agent, Index, Object of Desire (Part 1)." (Richard: "Catchy title!").

The Pitch offers this description of a video installment included in the exhibit:

"Except for the ambient noise of the woods and the sound of the woman moving, the footage is very quiet as the camera tracks the artist embracing trees that are too big to hang on to and trees that are too slender to wrap her legs around comfortably. In one of the videos, she lies atop a log. Freno's images are compelling, affectionate and even comforting because they evince human sensitivity and connection to the natural world. Watching the woman gamely trying to hold on to a large tree, her arms and legs barely wrapped around the trunk, is pitiful and yet endearing."

Chip: "I'm not sure about 'endearing,' but I'll grant them 'pitiful.'"

---

Pitchfork is currently offering exhaustive South By Southwest music coverage for all the hipsters who can't be in Austin this week. Let's take a quick peek at a cute new singer-songwriter called Micachu:

"Live, Micachu plays tiny children's guitars slung around her neck with ratty string, a playing card stuck into the fretboard to alter the sound. And she and her bandmates wear coordinated hand-stenciled t-shirts."

Richard: "It's going to take a lot more than toy instruments to out-cute the Transmittens, Micachu!"

The Boys Consider Presidential Blunders and "Bromance" Films!

Like everyone else in America, the boys are engrossed with their NCAA brackets for the next few weeks (Chip picked North Dakota over KU), but let's take a quick look at Obama's appearance on Leno last night, apparently the first time a sitting President has appeared on one of the late-night comedy shows. In an off-the-cuff statement that immediately created controversy and led to an Obama apology, the President referred to his weak bowling skills as being "like the Special Olympics or something." What do the boys think?

Chip: "I think people must have misunderstood the remark. All he did was say that he bowls like a retarded kid. And that's very funny."

Richard: "I'm less bothered by the remark than by the fact that he chose to mingle with the middle-brow Leno, the tamest and dullest of the late-night crew whose antics are mainly useful in helping old people go to sleep."

---

While the boys are not fans of many new cinematic trends, such as "franchise reboots" and "torture-porn," they do love a good "bromance," the new male-centered take on romantic-comedies that are focused on the homosocial bonding between "dudes." This weekend brings a new one: I Love You, Man.

Chip: "Yes, I love seeing these films with my male friends, but we always make sure to leave one empty seat between each of us, so as not to give anyone any wrong ideas."

The New Yorker offers some surprisingly rapturous praise of the new film, stating that it "brings out a far stranger and more specific current of underlying discord, regarding the isolating comforts of prosperity, the fault lines of friendships, and the murky depths of what passes for love," ultimately leaving one with an "aftertaste of the haut-bourgeois blues."

Richard: "All this is well and good, but I'm in it for the boner jokes!"

The Boys Consider Art Criticism and the South by Southwest Conference!

It's a lazy Spring Break and a slow local news week, readers, and the boys are still drunk! Nonetheless, let's take a quick look at some recent art criticism.

Most Americans are fairly successful in avoiding all things "artistic" but, even so, the now-legendary Obama "Hope" image created by street-artist Shepard Fairey (Chip: "What a great name for an artist!") introduced a little art into all our daily lives. But what's Fairey's other work like? The NY-Times provides an incisive look at his oeuvre, now on display in a retrospective in Boston (Richard: "I think this is the first time the LC has used the word 'oeuvre.' ").

"It is not too difficult to discern the shadows of an Oedipal drama swimming below the surface. Here is the baffling, autocratic father represented most powerfully by the image of Andre the Giant (whose positive counterpart is the Good Father Obama)."

Richard: "There's no joke here. That quote just makes me laugh for some reason."

Fairey has now moved on from helping electing a President to designing shopping bags for Saks Fifth Avenue.

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Although Austin's South by Southwest festival has grown too large (and thereby unhip) for most hipsters, it's still the place to be this week to catch up with 'important' hipster bands. The boys certainly wish they were there to catch the premiere of the Decemberists' new concept album Hazards of Love (which we plan to cover in-depth before it "drops" next Tuesday!). But the coverage of the festival suggests that the music portion of the festival may actually be less exciting than the "film and interactive" portion. Here's a description of a panel on new technologies from the NY-Times:

"On Monday Nick Douglas and Melissa Gira Grant, two veteran bloggers, hosted a session called the “Sex Lives of the Microfamous.” The two were involved once, and broke up on Tumblr, or so the story goes. But here in the offline world, they were back together and led a discussion with about 50 people that gradually revealed that everyone in the room was famous, at least to some other people in the room, and that coming to terms with living transparently was going to take some doing. One participant said he had some very firm boundaries. If a first date goes well, and he is interested in seeing the person again, he sets out the rules of engagement. “You can blog about me or you can date me, but you can’t do both,” he said to audible approval."

Richard: "I don't have any such rules myself. You can both date me and blog about my sexual prowess."

The Mysterious Dr. X Returns With a Very "Meta" Take on the Harry Lupus Adventures!

Long-time fans may remember Dr. X as a regular columnist on the now-defunct "Quinton's" blog, which simply reported the "facts" of the boys' evenings on the town. Dr. X. quickly grew tired of the notoriety of being a blog-star and took to appearing around town with a bag on his head (here he is, pictured at one of N.ggle's poker games):
















Today he makes his triumphant return to the blog-world with this "meta" look at our favorite boy werewolf which shatters the distinctions between Harry's world and the already blurry lines between the LC's own part truth/part fantasy world. In today's installment, Dr. X cleverly (and perhaps unintentionally?) references recent blog thoughts on Schlitz, draws on the powerful pop-culture mythos of both Back to the Future and Teen Wolf, restores the "reality" of "Chip," uses the classic "it's all a dream" narrative device, and employs the word "fuck" more times than a Mamet monologue. Enjoy! And prepare for more guest writers in weeks to come, including the one, the only, Dr. C!



"But then, this shit happened:

'The power of love is a curious thing...

Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girls dream
Make a bad one good make a wrong one right
Power of love that keeps you home at night!'

Harry's alarm bleated at him and stirred him from his sleep and his hands from his pants. As usual, all of the above was sticky with creamy ooze that seemed to indicate that he had gone through another in his series of tommy-gun-firing nocturnal emissions. Granted, during the day, his gonads, hanging softballs, more like funbag-sized protrusions...

Incidentally, that's what we call meta-commentary. It's directed to an audience of one, Dr. C. That's right, fucker, I just showed you love. Now show me tits! Yours will do. See, I just broke the mother fucking fourth wall -- normally you have to pay money to read heady shit like this. Pynchon costs, like, $1.30 at most any Larryville fuckshop and shitstore that has these supposed hipster texts piled up because hipsters don't read (They just match the colors of their beer can to distinguish from Pabst, PBR, and that other shit, the finest bread ever poured into a can, Schlitz. Which, incidentally... yah, I like that word. What of it? That's what I thought. Fuck you. Yah, Schlitz. Which is exactly one letter too much of what it causes.

Back to the story... that you mother fuckers don't deserve because you ain't paying shit for this genius. Know it.

Anyhow, we were just getting to the point where Harry realized that he had spent another long evening in the dream state imagining all kinds of scary Marky-Mark shit like the fact that he thought he was a dog, and he wanted to fuck this bitch [That's a pun, bitches (because we're foreshadowing that this fucker is a werewolf). But when I called you bitches, _That_ was not. Because you're my whores. Bitches.] named Muffy. She really did exist, but she did not have time for his shit. Because her tits were fine, and she packed much back. And, if the sheer volume of gelatinous goo turning his bedsheets into the pasty village was any indication, he, indeed, wished to tap that ass.

With the utmost fury.

But, dear reader, we get ahead of ourselves for the dulcet tones of Huey Lewis and the muthafuckin NEWS! was any indication... Harry had overslept for school again... because he was at least five songs into his Huey Lewis mixtape alarm clock radio given to him by his best friend K!p.

Who was K!p? You'll just have to wait and see, but I can tell you this: #1 He's not a hard core pimp hustler with a standing rod that he uses to smack the bitch's ass when she doesn't bring him his money #2 He's completely a literary invention, because what kinda man could be that doughy and real. Word. And #3 -- the ! stands for excitement!

But that's a story for another day. Right now -- all you need to know is that Harry did not have time for his daily pop tart. He did not have time to clean the gleaming mucus from himself or his bedsheets ("Who slimed me?" he thought, in yet what remains to be a set of timeless references to 80s movies both good and bad -- because the 80s were WHERE THE SHIT WENT DOWN! Michael J Fox rules the world with Hits such as Teen Wolf (Irony? Fuck no.), The Secret to My Success and this shit we're stealing right here from the first of not one -- BUT THREE -- Back to t he Futures. The Bangles were still and the Go-Go's were still hot and whorey enough to gang bang you in the back of their mother fucking trailor!). And he certainly did not have time to shave his palms or venture a guess as to why they were so damned hairy.

But he had heard the stories, but he did not,as yet, know why he was not blind. Because werewolves have excellent eyesight! I read this shit in a book called Tw!light. This time the ! does not stand for excitement -- it stands for me not getting sued!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand: All Harry had time for was to use the goo for hair gel, grab his Old Navy life preserver vest, pop his collar and grab his skateboard. His ass needed to get to class, and this bitch was already late.

Yah. That's like three weeks of adventure right there.

The LC Wishes You a Happy St. Patty's Day!

Do the boys love St. Patrick's Day? You bet they do. They love all the holidays that are centered primarily around alcohol (New Year's Eve, Fat Tuesday, Cinco de Mayo, Thanksgiving). But which is their favorite?

Chip: "I have to go with New Year's Eve, primarily because of the midnight kiss, which can easily transition into a midnight blowjob, if you're with a sorostitute who is not yet passed out. But St. Patty's is fun, don't get me wrong. I enjoy the pinching especially. And there's also a kissing element, apparently, since I've seen several girls out wearing short shorts that say 'kiss me I'm Irish' on the ass, which I find both arousing and perverse. But like most Americans, I'm not even entirely sure what this holiday is about. I think it has to do with snakes...or potatoes. And wearing green. And James Joyce. He's the one who drove the snakes out of Dublin, I believe."

Richard: "After last year, I have to go with Cinco de Mayo. It's an unusual choice, yes, but I enjoy Mexican beers and the weather is warm enough in Larryville by then that the girls at the Sandbar are practically naked. Still, St. Patty's in Larryville is always fun. I love the fact that the family parade ends at the Flamingo strip club in the Northside. It just feels right. Although one can only assume that numerous families never make it back alive from that side of the river."

The Boys Gaze Longingly at the Women of KU Calendar! / Plus, Another Look at the Pitchfork Music Festival

Here it is mid-March and the boys have yet to write very much about this year's Women of KU swimsuit calendar (they've been too busy doing other things with it besides writing). The calendar's website praises both the beauty and the brains of the women, but the writing on the website is not in itself particularly "brainy":

"The swimsuit calendar was produced in the tradition of all before it – sophistication, elegance, alluring and panache."

Still, the calendar, as usual, does not disappoint. We won't bore you here with long descriptions of which girls we want to bone the most and why (Nikki!), but there are a few of you readers who probably wouldn't mind looking at a picture and hearing Chip's thoughts about it. Let's try that.




















Chip: "The hay bale imagery here is evocative of an experience that most of us Kansans find quite familiar: screwing on a soft but scratchy pillow of hay."


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If a band gets a slot at the Pitchfork Music Festival, they must be hip, right? In this new series, we take a look at some of the lesser-known acts to see what makes them worthy of inclusion.

Today's band is called The Pains of Being Pure at Heart. Their new album is called "Young Adult Friction."

The band showcases lovely boy/girl harmonies (always popular with the hipsters) and they have a lead guitarist named Kip (no shit!).

That alone should be enough to convince you, but let's go ahead and hear some praises from a music blog called "Losing Today," which describes their sound as follows:

"...radiant pop the kind that makes you tingle from the inside out, lovingly sugar dipped in sheens of pulse racing effervescence and to these ears sounding not so dissimilar to the kind of stuff mined for your discerning delight by the likes of imprints such as Bus Stop, Summershine and HOL / MBV era Creation while blissfully gliding about your senses like some sun soaked honey combed slice of heart string tweaking bliss pop happily being crafted by a three way collaboration between the Pastels, Velvet Crush and early career Teenage Fanclub."

Check them out at www.myspace.com/thepainsofbeingpureatheart and get your ass to Chicago for their show!

Live From the Percolator! / Plus, an Entry to Amuse Cl.thier: The Boys Consider the Official Rock Song of Oklahoma!

When Richard has friends in from out of town, the first thing he does, of course, is take them to the Percolator. Last night's opening for the "Trees I Have Known" exhibition may have been the best yet. Here's why.

Richard: "Visitors were greeted by a table outdoors containing a tree constructed of what seemed to be Little Debbie doughnut snack cakes, the consumption of which, I can only assume, was meant to allow for a feeling of 'oneness' between human and tree. Proceeding inside, a giant tree was projected onto a wall for visitors to trace, creating a sort of God-like feeling of benevolence toward our leafy friends before we proceeded to observe the various paintings and photographs of local trees, including the local favorite tree near Border's that was brutally murdered to make way for the downtown lofts. My favorite work was a series of tree paintings with the words "human huggers" superimposed on them. I love trees, now more than ever."

And how did Richard's out-of-town friends feel: "It was sort of cute, I guess."

Chip: "Okay, here's the thing. When I was a teenager in Forttt Scottt, raised on a farm, yes, I'll admit, I spent a lot of time sitting in trees, gazing down upon the rolling hills and grazing sheep and sometimes composing little poems about girls I wanted to kiss. We hunted in the forests and we swung on tire swings and Old Man Douglas kept a rope in a tree in his yard and often threatened to 'string up the Mexicans' that he believed were stealing his peaches. But when I became a man, I put away childish things...and I went to Quinton's."

---

Oklahoma recently chose an "official rock song" for their state, the eventual winner being Norman natives Flaming Lips' "Do you Realize," despite the fact that the song has nothing to do with Oklahoma and is virtually impossible to sing along to. Shouldn't a state rock song be a sing-along-style anthem, perhaps something like "Never Been to Spain," a perennial favorite at Cl.thier's gigs, popularized by Three Dog Night: "Well, I've never been to heaven, but I've been to Oklahoma."

And what would Kansas' official rock song be, if we were cool enough to have one?

Richard: "Well, probably it would be something shitty by the band Kansas, most likely 'Carry On, My Wayward Son.' But it should be the Transmittens' 'Meet Me at the Swings." Look at this cute new picture of them riding their bikes."

Tonight's the Night: The Percolator's "Trees I Have Known" Opening is Here!

Yes, Larryville artists have gone tree-crazy. Tonight's "juried exhibition" at the Percolator kicks off with the usual shenanigans. Rumor is that Richard will be dressed as "a mighty oak," and invite some of the hipster art chicks to climb up and "nestle in his branches." And if you don't get enough trees at the Percolator, the 6 Gallery downtown and the Spencer Art Museum are doing tree-related art shows too (The Spencer's is called "Trees and Other Ramifications: Branches in Nature and Culture," whatever the fuck that means.).

And you can also participate in yet another "Percolator Experiment," called The Wheel of Willing Diversion." Here's a picture.

















Chip: "Enjoy yourself, hipsters. I'm on a beach somewhere, chasing sorostitutes around."

Notes from the Front Lines of Larryville's Cultural Scene

Certain readers often say to themselves, "Chip and Richard sure do talk shit about various local happenings, but do they ever actually go out and mingle with the masses anymore?" (Chip: "I call the masses the 'great unwashed,' and I mean this literally. Many people at Free State and Papa Keno's seem covered in a thin veneer of dust and grime.").

Well, yes, they still hit the bars on occasion, and today we present a summary of their recent experiences at Harbour Lights, a bar which seems to be in an interesting transition between townie and hipster status. On several recent evenings there the boys have observed:

--a man getting thrown out of the bar and into a bicycle (probably a townie fight).

--an arm wrestling competition (townies)

--members of numerous local bands mixing and mingling (hipsters)

--an appearance by one of their favorite, bespectacled brunette Quinton's waitresses, a surreal encounter which led Kip to feel that her presence at Harbour "tainted her aura" and Richard to argue that it meant she was approachable and that he would likely soon bang her (Dr. C: "Or at least her friends.").

Last night was especially unusual. At one point, Chip, watching basketball, was approached by an older, short, drunk woman who introduced herself as something that sounded like Sweet Pea and insisted he tell her about the book he was reading at the bar earlier in the evening. Here is a transcription of the conversation that ensued.

Chip: "It was for my dissertation. A book about humanism."

Sweet Pea: "Oh, really. I once survived without humanism for an entire year. I lived in a cave in Yellowstone."

Chip: "What did you eat?"

Sweet Pea: "Truffles."

Chip, to Richard: "I think I'm going to call it a night."

The Boys Discuss a Master's in "Beatles Studies"

Liverpool Hope University is scheduled to begin offering a full Master's degree program in "Beatles Studies." How do the boys feel about such a degree?

Chip: "I'm leery. I imagine most of the classes will do nothing but sit around pondering the 'meaning' of songs like "I Am the Walrus": "Elementary penguin singing hari krishna / Man, you should have seen them kicking edgar allan poe." Well, guess what, scholars, it doesn't mean anything! Plus, I suspect the upcoming Decemberists' concept album, which is said to involve "a lady named Margaret, her dude William, a 'rake', and a forest queen" (source: interweb) will make Sgt. Pepper's pale by comparison."

Richard: "I'm in favor, although I'd personally prefer a Ph.D in Dylan. Actually, I've been considering starting a Master's program of my own, in "Hipster Studies." We'd devote one class, for instance, to an examination of hipster trends, such as their preference for cheap, terrible beers and their passion for childhood games like kickball. We'd also examine seminal hipster bands (The Pixies) and filmmakers (Wes Anderson). Naturally, hipsters themselves would be far too hip to take these classes, and I imagine the students would mostly be outcasts who desired to be 'hip.' And by the time they earned their degree they'd ideally be capable of attending a show at the Replay and talking intelligently about Pavement while sipping a PBR."

Chip: "To demystify and add to hipster culture might ultimately be to destroy it, since the culture depends on its small numbers and specialized knowledge. I think you should do this."

Harry Lupus Returns / Plus, Chip's Hipster Joke of the Week!

Although the exploits of Harry Lupus have alienated several of the LC's fans, his journeys continue each Wednesday, and some of us find them far more amusing and erotic than anything that pussy Harry Potter ever did!

When last we saw Harry (in an eventful installment penned by Cl.thier) he had just been clocked on the head by a vicious East Side Lycanthrope after witnessing the legendary werewolf cheerleader-orgy, rumors of which had long swirled around town. Where does today find him?


"Harry awoke, tied to a chair in the lair of the Lycanthropes. Muffy was next to him, similarly tied, and despite their predicament, Harry found his thoughts turning to the erotic sights he had so recently witnessed. "Muffy," he asked, "How long have you been muff-diving with those cheerleaders? I demand you tell me, very slowly, and in great detail."

Stay tuned for future installments, readers, which will be penned by Drs. X and C and likely be the raunchiest things yet witnessed here.

---

Chip: "What do hipsters eat for St. Patrick's Day? Green eggs and Hamm's! Get it? Hamm's beer!"

[the "green eggs and Hamm's' special is actually being promoted in KC bars...but Richard will opt for local PBR, which always tastes 'green'!]

The Boys Check Out the Bestseller Lists / Also, What Are Our Local Anarchists Up To These Days?

Sure, the bestseller lists are mostly full of vampire and werewolf genre fiction, but are there other (more literary?) novels that are selling well?

Yes. A recent best-selling trend is to riff on established literary classics. Currently at #5 on the NY-Times list is Christopher Moore's Fool, a "comic, bawdy" retelling of King Lear from the jester's perspective. Dan Simmon's Drood, #18, is a mystery about Charles Dickens, narrated by Wilkie Collins. And the doggie-version of Hamlet, Edgar Sawtelle, an Oprah pick, rides high at #8 (on the list for 37 straight weeks).

What do the boys make of this trend?

Chip: "Fascinating, really. If I were to go up to a lady reading Fool and sipping latte in a Barnes and Noble, would she be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me about Lear, or is this just kind of a hipster-chick way of seeming smart without actually having any real knowledge of the source material? At any rate, it does seem like a good converation starter in bookstores and I predict it will get me laid."

Richard: "I originally wanted Harry Lupus to be a riff on a classic literary werewolf tale, but I quickly realized that there wasn't any famous literary werewolf tale. Yet."

---

The center of local anarchy is, of course, downtown's Solidarity! Revolutionary Center and Radical Library (Chip: "It's arguably the scariest place in town besides the Replay and I cross the street to avoid it."). And at the LC, we like to keep tabs on their actions, which mainly seem to consist of watching documentary films about people who may or may not be falsely imprisoned.

Tonight is a bit different, however. The Center is hosting a special viewing of John Carpenter's 1988 classic They Live, the story of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper finding a pair of magical sunglasses which allow him to see the subliminal messages being forced upon the masses by the alien-led government and media.

Chip: "I guarantee that four out of the five of the fuckers watching this film tonight believe that it's a true story."

Richard: " 'I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.' Best. Roddy. Piper. Line. Ever."

The Boys Consider the Pitchfork Music Festival and New Technologies!

It's well-known that hippies love to bond in large numbers at music festivals, such as Bonnaroo, Coachella, and Wakarusa (at least before the latter festival was kicked out of Larryville and banished to Arkansas where the hippies will be made to squeal like pigs and/or picked off one-by-one with a bow and arrow by someone named Bobby Joe).

But do hipsters have a similar event? Well, rarely, primarily because any band capable of drawing such major crowds is no longer hip. But the Pitchfork Music Festival is an exception, allowing hipsters to bond over their mutual derision of half the bands they've paid money to see.

This year's opening night bands--Built to Spill, Yo La Tengo, Tortoise, and the reunited Jesus Lizard--have supposedly agreed to play nothing but requests submitted on-line to the festival site, allowing hipsters to feel even more important than they usually do (even though hipsters generally do not like making requests, as we have studied here in previous entries, and will certainly only request rarities and B-sides that the bands themselves have long forgotten how to play).

Richard: "Wow. This will be Jesus Lizard's first show in ten years! I'd love to drink a PBR while witnessing that."

Chip: "What's a Jesus Lizard?"

[random notes: On a recent evening, Richard found himself at the Replay watching local hipster icon Suzannes Johannes perform. Between her shoegazing songs, Ms. Johannes took dainty sips from a Schlitz at her feet, leading a local Sunday School teacher in the crowd to wonder aloud whether the local hipster beer of choice, PBR, might ever give way to something equally shitty and cheap. Perhaps. But it will likely take more than Johannes' subtletly. In fact, this reporter thinks it will require nothing less than the Transmittens themselves telling us what to drink].

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According to the NY-Times, Microsoft is hard at work on software for a "personal virtual assistant" called Laura, who will appear on-screen as a talking head capable of organzing your appointments and booking your flights and such. The article points out: "Instead of being a relatively dumb terminal, Laura represents a nuanced attempt to recreate the finer aspects of a relationship that can develop between an executive and an assistant over the course of many years."

Chip: "One thing that tends to develop over the years in this sort of relationship is sex. And until I can fuck this "Laura," somehow, I'm uninterested."

Richard: "There's no question that porn is the number one reason people use the web and I predict that, within a few years, most PC's will come equipped with a 'special' port that you can stick your weiner in."

Today's Cultural Pick is for the Ladies! / Plus, the Boys Consider the Weekend Box-Office

Today Liberty Hall offers two chances to catch "Lunafest," a traveling film festival featuring films "by, for, and about women." The short films hail from a variety of countries, with subjects ranging from women wrestling ("Grappling Girls") to "a playful animation about awkward moments and young romance" called "My First Crush" (www.lunafest.org).

Chip: "I know you're all waiting for me to say something sexist and anti-feminist, but I think this is a great idea. However, I do wonder why guys don't have their own film festival, with short films about problems that are rampant in our lives, such as the near-impossibility of 'nice' guys like myself and Richard being able to screw the hot Quinton's waitresses that we love so well."

Richard: "As pretentious as some of these short films likely are, I'm totally in favor of anything that gets women to 'bond' over something besides Sex and the City: The Movie or Bride Wars."


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The only thing Americans love more at the movies than a jive-talking black granny (played by a man) is the adventures of costumed crusaders! Yes, Watchmen, a graphic-novel beloved by fanboys around the world, has finally hit the big-screen and ended Tyler Perry's reign of hilarity. The opening has left many geeks in a state of bliss the likes of which they haven't seen since...last year's Dark Knight release...and won't see again till...next week's series finale of Battlestar Galactica.

Are the boys impressed?

Richard: "Dude, superheroes are totally the new werewolves! I'm thinking of turning Harry Lupus into some sort of costumed, crimefighting lycanthrope to expand my readership (which currently consists of three)."

Chip: "As best as I was able to gather, the film is about a tall blue man who walks around naked on Mars a lot. It's good but, when all is said and done, I preferred Paul Blart: Mall Cop."

The LC Checks In With the Competition (the Kansan's "Jayplay" Weekend Guide!) / Plus, The Boys Consider the Kansas Music Hall of Fame!

We've examined Lawrence.com, Larryville's premier hipster site, many times. We've looked at the LJ-World's weekly "lifestyle magazine" called Go. We've even browsed the often frightening local arts website, The Rathaus. But we've yet to consider the student paper's weekly guide to local nightlife, The Jayplay.

This week the Jayplay checks in with a fascinating piece on the most interesting local bar restrooms.

Yes, of course, the Replay makes the list. According to the bar's Myspace site, they have "the cleanest restrooms in town" (that's hipster sarcasm, folks!), but the Jayplay focuses not on the disgusting nature of the restrooms but on the graffiti and decor (the women's restroom has a Charlie's Angels painting?! why has Richard never been told?). The piece also includes this quote from bartender Shawn regarding the graffiti: "I like to be occupied when I'm chuckin' a deuce. The fouler the stuff on the wall, the better." (Chip: "There's something about the Replay and its denizens that is absolutely...immoral!".

The Jayplay piece also includes a fascinating bit of information regarding the urinals at Abe and Jake's. There are "peepholes" above each of them that allow one to gaze down upon the dance floor while taking a piss.

Richard: "There is something very perverse about that. Wonderfully perverse."

But what did the article fail to consider?

Chip: "I've remarked many a time upon the pristine nature of the restrooms at the local biker bar. It does not get mentioned here. And of course the most 'magical' restroom in town is at the Yacht Club, where I once caught a glimpse of Coach S.lf's crank shortly before it led him to the championship."

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The annual Kansas Music Hall of Fame induction ceremony occurs tonight at Liberty Hall. Joining the ranks this year are local treasure and fiddle extraordinaire Billy Spears (catch him on Cajun night at Johnny's once a month) and blues-harp wizard Lee McBee, a man who once jammed with B.B. King.

Richard: "I can't wait until a time thirty or so years from now when the Transmittens will be inducted. Songs like 'Saturday Socks' are built to last."

Catch them at the Nebraska Pop Festival this August, as they have become too awesome to play local gigs anymore.

The Boys Consider "Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie" and Prepare to Geek Out with Watchmen!

Barbie recently celebrated 50 years of dollhood and she's still making waves. Many parents are in an uproar over the new "Totally Stylin' Tattoos Barbie," which comes with sticker-tattoos that girls can apply to their dolls.

Chip: "In Forttt Scottt many people oppose tattoos for religious reasons, but I find them hot, especially the ones which are known as 'tramp stamps' or, in some cases, 'bulls-eyes,' often found on the lower backs of many Quinton's waitresses."

Richard: "What's wrong with a tattooed Barbie? The bitch is 50 years old. Let her get a tattoo if she wants."

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Today is the day when Watchmen, widely considered the "Citizen Kane of graphic novels," finally arrives in a big-screen incarnation helmed by Zach Snyder, a man the studio has been trumpeting as a "visionary" in their marketing campaign (based on his 'Dawn of the Dead' remake and a homo-erotic CGI war film). Geeks across the land are hitting the multi-plex today (well, not all of them: according to today's LJ-World, one of the guys who runs Larryville's downtown Astro Kitty comics is involved in a massive anti-Watchmen Facebook campaign, citing the 'purity' of the graphic novel, which must not be tainted).

What does the New York Times think of the audience for this film?

"Indeed, the ideal viewer — or reviewer, as the case may be — of the “Watchmen” movie would probably be a mid-’80s college sophomore with a smattering of Nietzsche, an extensive record collection and a comic-book nerd for a roommate. The film’s carefully preserved themes of apocalypse and decay might have proved powerfully unsettling to that anxious undergraduate sitting in his dorm room, listening to “99 Luftballons” and waiting for the world to end or the Berlin Wall to come down." (NY-Times).

Richard: "I find this insulting. Just because I was a mid-90's college sophomore doesn't mean I'm not a huge fucking geek too!"

Chip: "What's a 'Watchman?' Also, I understand the film is mostly about a giant blue man who walks around naked with a blue penis. It seems like that would be hard to take seriously. I wonder what Roger Ebert thinks?

Ebert: "It might seem improbable to take seriously a naked blue man, complete with discreet genitalia, but Billy Crudup brings a solemn detachment to Dr. Manhattan that is curiously affecting." (www.rogerebert.com)

Is It Art, Or Isn't It? (Denver Airport Edition) / Tonight's Metal Show Pick! / Chip Considers Local Legislation: No More Missouri Street?

As you well know, the boys love the local art scene (especially the Percolator and that other downtown gallery where they hand you a PBR upon entering). But they also keep a close watch on art news throughout the land.

Out West, a "public art" piece at the Denver International Airport has sparked a divisive art battle. The piece is a 32 foot tall, 9000 pound fiberglass statue of a bright blue horse. Many believe it's tacky, even frightening, while others have chosen to celebrate it, organizing a "horse haiku" poetry slam as part of National Poetry Month in April (Chip: "That's my favorite month! It's hardly the cruellest, despite Eliot's insistence.").

What do the boys think?

Richard: "The bright blue of the piece recalls Babe the Blue Ox, and I believe the piece is a necessary reminder to our technologically-saturated culture that the West still possesses a powerful, underlying American mythos that's fully resistant to air travel and Blackberry's and Twittering and such. I vote art."

Chip: "It's really just a large blue horse, isn't it? Not art."

The NY-Times article on the subject quotes a local artist who dislikes the piece, stating that there is no good location "to be able to get intimate with the work."

Chip: "Well, you don't exactly want people out there 'getting intimate,' do you? Airports are family places. You can't have people out there humping the horse statue."

Perhaps our friend and Denver resident Dr. C. has thoughts on this issue? Has he been intimate with this piece yet?

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With the recent performance by Goblin Cock at the Jackpot and tonight's Replay show by French metal band Hypno5e at the Replay, perhaps there's room for both headbangers and hipsters in this town after all.

Lawrence.com uses the classic name-dropping technique in their description of Hypno5e: "Theirs is accessible metal cut with ethereality a la Dead Can Dance, God Speed-style minimalism, Tool's deliberate low end, and an unapologetic operatic brutality all their own."

Richard: "I'm fairly sure none of those mentioned bands are even metal bands. Art-rock, sure. Prog-rock? Yes. Math-rock, maybe. But not metal."

Chip: "Well, they do have one thing in common. They are all simply terrible."

Cl.thier: "I hate bands who use numbers in their words. That means you, Tech N9ne."

The opener for tonight's show is local metal band, Stull, who take their name from a nearby town which, according to our students, is home to one of the gates of hell and a place which the Pope once ordered his plane diverted as opposed to flying over.

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The city fathers, fresh from passing major hedgehog legislation, will soon consider (again) a proposal to rename the 900 to 1100 blocks of Missouri Street in honor of former KU coach Don Fambrough, a man purported to hate Missouri even more than Chip does.

What does Chip think?

Chip: "First off, after last night's embarrassing loss to Texas Tech, I'm in favor of renaming our own entire institution "Fucking Loserville." But, in general, yes, I think we should try to get rid of anything Missouri-related, including the state itself, if possible."

A Very Special Episode of Harry Lupus Written by Local Poet, Cl.thier! / Plus, The Boys Consider New Technology: Twitter!

Cl.thier is well-known locally for his bawdy love poems and sensitive acoustic renditions of hip-hop classics like Blackstreet's "No Diggity" at the Yacht Club. But we've often wondered what his genre fiction is like? Today he offers our few remaining readers of Harry Lupus a powerful scene involving both a werewolf-cheerleader orgy and gang brawl. Readers, prepare for boners!

"As it were, Harry couldn't get the smell of Muffy out of his nostrils. Everywhere he went, he smelled her potent female musk, so when he caught the peal of her high-pitched howl outside of his window, Harry could not resist his canine urges. He leapt from his window and instinctually began an erotic and elaborate chase with Muffy, which eventually ended up outside a large clearing the locals called, "Goodman's Meadow." "What are we doing here," Harry growled into Muffy's ear, his long nails clawing at her skin. "Come and find out," she said back, running her own nails down Harry's spine, then shoving him off roughly into the brush before bounding into the clearing. When Harry followed, he was shocked at what he saw: Young teen werewolves littered the clearing, all engaged in raw, passionate weresex. Groups of werewolves clawed and screwed in tangled heaps of fur, teeth, and claws, making it difficult for Harry to tell whether the werewolves were screwing or fighting or both. Off to one side Harry recognized the torn shreds of his high school's cheerleading uniforms in a pile next to a group of four to five female werewolves, all engaged in a manic sexual frenzy. Harry had heard stories about the cheerleaders, but had never believed them. Harry was held motionless, until he was bowled over by Muffy, her long fangs biting at his neck. "Harry," Muffy said between impassioned bites into Harry's flesh, "I want you to -". Just then, a voice, low and menacing, filled the clearing. "Well, if isn't the pussycats of West Side High, humping each other's legs! Do you mind if we join you?" The East Side Lycanthropes leader let out a long, deep howl and the meadow was suddenly filled with East Side werewolves attacking the besotted West Siders. Fur was torn from flesh, bone exposed, limbs mangled. What was once a sight of debauchery was now one of blood and gore. "Run, Harry!" Muffy screamed as both scrambled to their feet. But before Harry could make it to the treeline, he felt a massive blow to his head, and the world went dark."

---

The boys love Facebook ("lol, I poked you!") and the internet in general (sweet, free porn!). But how do they feel about Twitter, the new form of instant communication so popular that many of our elected leaders chose to use it while attending Obama's recent primetime speech?

Chip: "I use Twitter so I can keep people posted on what I had for breakfast, usually oats, and where I drink my evening beers, usually Quinton's. My Twitterings from Q's are especially fascinating. Here's an example: 'New waitress tonight. Hot titties. Decent ass. B+'"

Richard: "Harry Lupus actually now has a Twitter site of his own featuring a completetely alternate version of his antics constructed by Richard, Dr. X, and possibly Cl.thier. Check it out here:

https://twitter.com/TheHarryLupus

But I primarily love Twitter because celebrites use it, and it's important to me to know how MC Hammer spends his time. Here's an example from his page: Bowling with my dancers !!! They was raw tonite!! Off the Chain!

The Boys Consider a New Trend in Theatre: Films Becoming Plays!

We're all quite comfortable with the idea of theatrical productions being translated into film, but what about the reverse? Last year an opera based on Cronenberg's remake of The Fly buzzed onto the LA stage. Next year, Spiderman will swing onto Broadway in a major production (with lyrics by Bono, of course!...who better to undertstand the notion that with great power comes great responsibility?).

[we hope you enjoyed those newspaper-y wordplays, dear readers!]

But another film is hitting stages closer to home. KC's Late Night Theater Company, performing at the Westport Coffeehouse, is in the midst of an open-ended Monday night production of The Breakfast Club. The Pitch discusses the history of the theatre company:

"Megee and his Late Night Theatre crew spent years staging pansexual burlesques of such movies as Valley of the Dolls and The Bad Seed, titty-twisting the scripts, and smashing the fourth wall so often that you had to thank God it wasn't load-bearing." (Pitchweekly)

Apparently, this production continues in a similar vein: "After the show, the crowd is invited onstage to dance to Simple Minds, scribble on the desks, hang with the cast and feel a part of something bigger." (Pitch)

Chip: "When I go out for a night at the theatre, I prefer to remain safely in my seat and for the actors NOT to interact with me. Perhaps it's just the way I was raised."

Richard: "There's almost no question that I'll be on that stage some Monday in the near future, writing 'Nog Was Here' on the desks. 'Smoke up, Johnny!' The future of theatre is at hand."

Chip: "I hope that Paul Blart: Mall Cop becomes a play next."

The Boys Consider Springtime in Larryville, New Music Releases, and "No Cussing Week!"

Sure, snow is on the ground now, but signs are beginning to appear which suggest that spring is on the way. Already the boys have spotted scores of sorostitutes in short shorts bouncing (Kip: "and jiggling") around campus and, if that's not sign enough, Lawrence.com has just published its first piece of the year on kickball, which focuses on the ever-growing local popularity of the sport but primarily just includes reminiscences from various players:

"We had a metal band playing out at Hobb's Field, my brother dressed up like a dragon and ran around the field, we had explosions and fireworks, we had water balloons... We passed out hors d’ourves and beer coozies. It's summer theater." (Lawrence.com)

Chip: "This is actually even worse than theater, and I say that very rarely."

Richard: "I've decided that playing kickball is the best way to bang the quirky downtown hipster chicks who work in the book and record shops, so the LC is forming its own team this year. All we need now is a name, and I believe it will be "Harry Lupus and the Lycanthropes."

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The only band that is both more popular and more boring than Coldplay returns tomorrow with a new album: U2, of course. But that's far too mainstream for our attention here at the LC. Instead, we choose to draw your attention today to a release called "Songs to Make Dogs Happy" (spotlighted today in the LJ-World's ever-riveting "lifestyle magazine" called Go). The title is pretty much self-explanatory: the record features various songs and noises to comfort man's best friend (a quick Amazon search uncovers titles such as "Squeakey-Deakey" and "You're a Good Dog" and "Scratch My Back" and "Cookies."

Chip: "I make my dog listen to the same artists I like, mainly Gordon Lightfoot and Neil Diamond." (Chipnote: "Gordon Lightfoot is playing in Topeka on March 8. I love "Ode to Big Blue" so much it's ridiculous.").

Richard: "I'm currently working on a CD titled "Favorite Hedgehog Tunes." It should be very popular locally, if not nationally."

















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Readers, have you wondered if young Judson King, our beloved local hedgehog activist, is the only kid playing a role in local legislation across the country? Well, he's not. In LA County this week, 15 year old McCay Hatch is taking his idea for "No Cussing Week" before the Los Angeles Board of Supervisers, who are expected to issue a proclamation urging residents to watch their mouths this week.

Chip: "Fuck that."

The Boys Consider Another Worthy Werewolf-Fiction Competitor / Plus, Tomorrow's Hipster Pick!

Richard recently discovered that his Harry Lupus series was competing against a best-selling female werewolf-DJ series about a young wolf-woman named Kitty Norville. Today he learns that another werewolf-centered series is gaining in popularity: Patricia Briggs' Bone Crossed checks in at #5 on the NYTimes bestseller list. Here's the wikipedia description of this series, which centers around Mercy Thompson, "a Native American shapeshifter who was raised by Werewolves::

"The series is set in the Tri-Cities area of Washington state in an alternate world in which Werewolves and certain types of the fae have been forced to reveal themselves to the public. The series follows Mercy, a VW mechanic by trade, as she learns her true nature and is caught up in the affairs of the local werewolf pack, led by Adam, the Alpha who lives next door, and the local vampire seethe, a member of which she has befriended."

And here's a sensual excerpt from Bone Crossed:

"He had it wrapped around me before I could blink . . . and then I was pressed tightly against him my bare breasts resting against his chest. He’d tipped his head to the side so my face was pressed against his jaw and cheek...I knew he was aroused -- even a regular person without a coyote nose would have known it."

This week's Harry Lupus guest-writer is going to have a tough time competing with that last sentence, but we at the LC think that Cl.thier is up to the task. Will be bring the "raw and passionate wolf-sex" that our readers love so well? Tune in Wednesday to find out.

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A Colombia band called The Foundry Field Recordings hits the stage at the Replay tomorrow night, and the LJ-World describes the lead singer as follows:

"Surprisingly, Schuh had never picked up a guitar or sang before college, and his musing on the Cold War, lost love, robots, and isolation were reserved only for his private notebooks."

Chip: "I think it's safe to say that we all have our own private notebooks, tucked neatly under our pillows, in which we muse about the Cold War and lost love and robots and isolation and draw sketches of our favorite Quinton's waitresses. but that doesn't mean that each and every one of us needs a band."