Sunday, January 11, 2009

Live From the Percolator, Vol. 1 / Plus, the Final Volume of the Boys' Consideration of "How To Love Like a Hot Chick"

Larryville has developed a thriving new hipster-art scene in the last year, centered around two downtown galleries: Wonder Fair (in the basement of a health-food store) and The Percolator (in the alley behind--but certainly having no connection to-- the Arts Center). And every burgeoning scene needs its Chronicler, an observer free to report or defend or critique at will (as opposed to our friends at, who love every piece of 'art' they encounter). Readers, perhaps Richard will become that Chronicler! Let's begin at the Percolator's "Campire: A Storytelling Experiment."

On a breezy winter evening, a mix of local artists, young hipsters, East-side eccentrics, and old hippies (and Richard) lounged on pillows and blankets around a faux-campfire of candles to hear a selection of "storytellers." Our hostesses invited us all to 'snuggle and cuddle' as we were treated to a diverse mix of six performances, which were as follows: a tale of 'killbots' ("They even killed rocks"); a baritone ukulele player who sang of her "splashy red shoes" which she wears downtown to eat ice cream; a series of autobiographical poems from a self-proclaimed 'Earth mother' which began with her discovery of masturbation at age 5 and proceeded through early sexual experiences ("I opened myself to him like a flower, fragrant..."); a presentation on human and whale earwax ("This is an actual piece of earwax I was able to purchase on Ebay"); a hip-hop/spoken word performance artist with a sexy voice who promised to put away her "attitude and foul mouth" for the evening; and an old-fashioned storyteller who closed the evening with her "personal fiction" about dating a vampire in Belgium during her youth. Afterwards, the floor was opened to the public, at which point a woman told a long story about being a member of the judo team at the Atlanta Olympics and led us all on a chant of "I'm a winner" (she came in 15th in the competition). By this point, a long line of musicians were waiting their turns to perform, at which time Richard, full of cheap Merlot and scared he would be forced to engage in a 40-minute Kumbaya singalong, made his exit.

But was this evening enjoyable or painful, on the whole? Readers, let's just say that your humble reporter is already working on his own presentation for the next "experiment," which will be so impressive that the indie-hipster chicks in attendance (and there were several ladies there who looked like they belonged front row at the Ad Astra Per Aspera show) will want to do a bit more than "snuggle" with him, if you catch his meaning. See you at the campfire.


And we've reached the final step in the mission statement of "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." Yes, it's finally time to make love.

"Step 4: Get Hot and Steamy and Stay Safe

Remember, Hot Chicks never apologize for their appetites, and that includes their desires for food, chocolate, and (of course) sex! But Hot Chicks also must play it safe, so we are always equipped with The Petite Intimacy LoveKit. This sexy and discreet kit has everything we need to get hot and steamy with our special someone, and it will make your man feel oh so lucky to be oh so intimate with a passionate, prepared Hot Chick like you!"

Chip: "I carry my own 'love kit,' which consists of 50 cents to play something 'grindable' on the jukebox and two old condoms for when the dancing is done."


adam & eve said...

Is this book a "How To" or a way to shill poorly named sexual aides?

(Either is fine, just wondering.)

Anonymous said...

I do so hope Kip had the decency to clean the sh!t off those old reusables...

--There is a delicate cycle on this thing called the 'washing machine,' Kipper.

naughty but nice said...

I think it's both a fine primer and a paid advertisement!

I'm working on my own guide about how to be a local artist.

how to love like a blogger said...

Other necessary primers:

How to Love Like a Local Artist

How to Love Like a Quinton's Waitress

How to Love Like an English Lecturer

How to Love Like Someone Who Could Convince a Quinton's Waitress to "Love" in the Chi Omega Fountain at Noon in the Middle of the Semester

an english lecturer said...

Step one: read the world's best love poems.

Step two: forget them, and read Penthouse letters.