Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The LC Considers Another Potential Sports Scandal, a New President, and an Important Hipster Record Release!

Just yesterday it seemed like Larryville's sport scandals were in the past. Gidden's Moon Bar knife-fight was barely discussed anymore; the Morris twins drunken BB-gun spree was written off as childish fun; even Collins' elevator-cock-exposure had been swept under the rug.

But then along comes this news:

"The Springfield (Mo.) News-Leader alleged Monday that Kansas University basketball coach Bill Self might have had inappropriate contact over the weekend with John Wall, a 6-foot-4 point guard currently rated as the nation’s top high school recruit."

But don't panic completely, readers! "Inappropriate contact" does not mean that Self touched anyone in a "special" place. Still, even a friendly hello to potential recruit is perhaps off-limits under NCAA guidelines.

Chip: "This is an overblown story. Besides, the coach of a championship team should be given carte blanche as far as I'm concerned. If he shows up at your door and wants to fuck your wife, you should step aside and say, 'Sir, it would be an honor to have you inside her.'"

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As of noon today, in an event that at least one Port-a-potty vendor is calling "the largest temporary restroom event in the history of the United States," America has a new President. Surely even local hipsters put aside their irony for the morning to usher in a new era of hope. Then again--judging from a series of person-on-the-street interviews about inauguration plans on Lawrence.com--maybe not:

"I’ll watch the inauguration if Battlestar Galactica’s not on." — Pat Barger, quality control coordinator for the Ash Grove Kansas City Ready Mix Group

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The story of Bon Iver's first album, For Emma, Forever Ago, has been told many times: it emerged from the pain of a hipster's break-up (then again, what indie album didn't?). Singer/songwriter Justin Vernon hid out in a remote cabin "for three epic, torturous months of post-heartbreak introspection/catharsis" (Pitchfork) and emerged with a work of such pain, such passion that it will...help sensitive young hipsters get laid for years to come.

But what does Pitchfork make of Bon Iver's new EP, Blood Bank:

" 'I met you at the blood bank, we were looking at the bags," he [Vernon] explains, tossing off the kind of opening sentence most aspiring novelists spend their whole lives praying for."

Richard: "This is indeed a better first sentence than "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,' but I still prefer 'Call me Ishmael,' by a slim margin."

4 comments:

I have no idea why that popped in my head! said...

Donkey punch!

because you're a hipster? said...

The Donkeys were playing at the Replay last night!

Uh, let's go with "Jeffy" said...

Holy shit.

I'm shinning hipster bullshit.

Between this and my increased consumption of Hamms and hanging with Wayne... I may be becoming a hipster. I'm already a pretentious ass... and I do enjoy preening.

--Do hipsters get multiple wives or is that Mormonism... because I'm thinking about kidnapping hector and Beth and marrying them... or at least making them house staff (Well, Beth would be House Barista... because I have faith in her capacity to make caffeinated drinks. Hector might just hafta lounge around and make the house smell pretty. That's pretty hipster, right?)

preening said...

"Preening" is a funny word that the LC should employ on occasion!