Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Boys Consider On-Line Virginity Auctions / Plus, the LC's Recipe Corner and Some News on the Homeless!

The New York Daily News brings us a story today of a 22 year old college student named Natalie Dylan who's auctioning her virginity to the highest bidder. She's had 10,000 offers thus far, topping out at $3.7 million. What do the boys think?

Richard: "Sure, I'm as disturbed by the moral and ethical implications of this as the next socially conscious citizen but, my God, have you seen this girl? If I had the cash, I'd totally go 3.8 mil."

Chip: "During the 'Dr. C. years' at Quinton's, we quite often discussed the primitive, primal male need to deflower women before they have been corrupted by other male 'predators,' but personally I've always sided with Costanza from Seinfeld in that girls always remember their first, and I'd rather be forgotten than remembered. In the article, Natalie says, "I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal," but aside from bragging rights and a brief period of internet notoriety, I'm not sure how the winning male will exactly 'profit.' I'm fairly certain I could pay an equally hot (albeit non-virginal) Quinton's waitress to at least blow me in the parking lot for 200 bucks or so."

The article reports that "Dylan wants to auction off her virginity to pay for her master's degree in Family and Marriage Therapy."

The LC wishes her the best and hopes some of the money can be set aside for her own future therapy bills.


(A warning to our vegetarian readers: this story contains graphic bacon-related description and imagery).

Like all real men, the boys love pork ("And porking women!"--Chip), and they are very excited about a new recipe called "Bacon Explosion" that has recently swept across the internet (the NYTimes reports that "well over 16,000 sites have linked to the recipe" since it appeared on the web site of a KC barbecue team).

The dish is described as a "massive torpedo-shaped amalgation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce" (NYTimes).

Chip: "The only way this could possibly get better is if the whole thing were then chicken-fried and bathed in thick, delicious cream gravy. The picture alone gets me nearly as excited as the one above of Natalie Dylan."


Chip has long maintained that it's getting harder and harder to distinguish the downtown homeless population from the hippies and hipsters who haunt the streets. An article in today's LJ-World about the recent 'homeless count' confirms this belief:

"Steimle did his best to look for people with an unkempt appearance — what he thought were characteristics of the homeless. He introduced himself to several people he thought were homeless and, after explaining what he was doing, was met with some uncomfortable smiles from people who explained they were not, in fact, homeless.

“You can’t tell a homeless person by looking at them,” said Steimle."

Chip: "Finally, Larryville is taking action. Counting the homeless is a first step to rounding them up and shipping them elsewhere."


Experience counts said...

I think the deal should include a Porn Clause: Ms. Whatserface must view at least __ hours of porn, to be chosen by the winner of the auction, before the bizness goes down. Is nailing a virgin really worth $3.7mil? I think she needs to be a virgin who knows to do more than lie there.

I say this like that girl hasn't seen porn before and is actually a virgin. Hell, she's probably already got her own porno out there! And if she doesn't, and if she really is a virgin, now is the time to hire a porn production crew! She'll be able to pay for a whole army of therapists!

agreed said...

Yes, porn is useful in many ways.

cl.thier said...

This story has my head swimming! A few questions...

Who is the complete and utter loser who bid over $65, which is what it would cost to woo a freshman who doesn't look like a 28 year old dancer from Night Trips?

Will there be some medical proof of said virginity? If not, perhaps my wife will let me auction mine off as well...those newborn bills are piling up!

How is this NOT prostitution?

I wonder if the winner could work some sort of layaway plan out with her. Get it...LAYaway! Ha.

I'm sure Mr. and Mrs. Dylan can't wait to tell everyone about their daughter and her go-get-em business sense at the weekly Church bridge games.

i'll buy that for a dollar said...

Here's another bit of information spotted on-line:

"The auction is likely to take place at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, where her sister is currently working to help Natalie pay off her college debts."

life-long student said...

The SISTER is turning tricks to pay off this Natalie girl's student loans? Did I read that correctly? I have some student loans...I'm sure we could work out quite the deal!