Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Boys Are Back! (Last Week in Larryville / Plus, Tales of Hot Romance!)

With Richard down south last week, an important question was finally answered: Does Larryville continue to exist if Richard is not there to blog about it? The answer is, surprisingly, yes. Here's what Richard was able to piece together regarding the week he missed:

At the Replay, PBR's were enjoyed. All over town, no one rode the T. Shortly after closing time at Quinton's, numerous sorority girls experienced four minutes of passion (until their partners collapsed from too many Jaeger shots). The Douglas County Fair rolled into town and traveling hucksters fleeced country rubes while everyone was entertained by the demolition derby and the bearded-lady and the Dog-Faced Boy. Across town at South Park, another kind of freak appeared: environmental activists. The occasion was the Little Green Festival, two days of hippie jamgrass bands and information booths (Chip says: "It's too fucking hot to worry about the environment."). And on the Eastside, the East Enders kickball team continued their unyielding march toward the championship game.

But what of Romance, Arkansas? It was mostly a whirlwind of catfish restaurants and dangerous heat, but Richard did find time to visit one of the town's two local bootleggers, who was attempting to give away free puppies with each purchase of a six-pack of Busch ("Boys, this one old girl climbed under the house to see those pups and she said "Aren't they beautiful?" Now I had myself a nice view of her thong panties right about then and I said, "They sure are, honey! You bet they are!"). Richard also found time to visit former Chronicles cast member, Dr. X, whose new penthouse overlooks Toad Suck Square, where he plans to get elected "Toadmaster" and spend most of the fall judging toad-jumping contests. But our faithful readers want to know one thing more than any other: Did Richard find time for some sweaty summer lovin' on abandoned farm equipment? Readers, we have a saying in Romance: "What happens on the old, abandoned combine stays on the old, abandoned combine"

Stay tuned for more new episodes this week!


An Agent of Chaos said...

Bullsquat and horse-puckey!

Everyone knows every other person's business here in this southern exposure! I'll wager a shiny nickel (still worth approximately two and one half cents in Ft. Scott -- where inflation never occurs and they still deny the Great Depression ever happened) that I could bound these rooftops to the nearest apothecary/ coke (soda) fountain, ask the local soda jerk about the goings on in Romance and discover exactly how you sired those puppies (much as Ted Turner did with Sea-Biscuit in an episode of Family guy I once saw!)!!!

--These are Southern Internets (and they involve dressing up like a bat and jumping from rooftop to rooftop, fighting crime in Conway!)

those puppies aren't mine! said...

I swear!