Chip says: "This won't work. People in Missouri spend their lives climbing trees. That's all there is to do there! All this accomplishes is preventing me from seeing all the hot ass that cavorts around outside the stadium on game days."
Larryville's kickball season winds down tonight with the Final Four and championship game at Hobbs Park, and the Chronicles officially endorses the East-Enders (please tell your friends about our blog). After tonight, the conversation in local bars is expected to return to other important matters, such as which local band is better: Drakkar Sauna or Black Christmas? (after seeing Drakkar's lovely Louvin Brothers performance at Love Garden last night, this hipster argues for the former!).
And here it is: the boys picks for #1!
Richard: "My favorite place in Larryville is...the serene little Japanese garden across from Silas and Maddy's. Often I meditate there on spring evenings, and once I had ice cream there with a nice girl. Okay, fuck that. Seriously, we know I enjoy the Replay Lounge, and here's why: My friend 'Danger' Dan took me there the first time, to an afternoon battle of the bands in the beer garden which he claimed would be 'laid back.' My ears STILL hurt from that show. But I knew I'd found a spot to hang, a welcoming oasis free from frattiness and with a moderate amount of hipster pretention, just enough that one can go there and feel like you are 'in the know' but without having to actually know anything. Over the years I've seen up-and-coming bands such as the Black Keys and The Mountain Goats (all for two bucks), a fashion show, a dogfight, and a recreation of Abbey Road that grew so crowded the fire marshall tried to shut it down. Once I got drunk on my 30th birthday and danced on a table while Dr. C's wife put money in my underwear. Once a man's pants were set on fire (I missed that night, but the newspaper clipping is pasted above my computer: somehow, it inspires me!). Esquire magazine picks the Replay as the best bar in Kansas. I pick it as the best bar in the known universe."
Chip: "Once I was trying to have a PBR there in peace and an old man kept sidling up to me and asking me if I believed in space-aliens. I told him, 'No, sir. I do not.' And I still don't!"
Chip: "On a crowded Friday night, some years ago, I was drinking in Quinton's, surrounded by the cream of the crop of sorostitutes and waitresses, when an older businessman, possibly in town for a conference, leaned over to me and whispered: 'Is it always like this in here?' Well, let me tell you, readers: Yes, it is always like that in here! I once proclaimed a certain waitress, AZ, to be 'the most beautiful woman I've seen in real life,' and I've hence revised that statement several times. AZ, in addition to being an excellent waitress, was also a local reporter who wrote a thought-provoking piece about faking orgasms. I doubt she'd have to fake it with me! (but I wouldn't care much if she did!). There are also two identical Canadian twins who work there, which is the stuff of any man's pornographic fantasies! Who needs the back room at Miracle Video when you've got Quinton's and a good imagination? And this is only the employees! Add to that a new selection of beautiful clientele every night and you know what you've got, readers? You've got yourself the best place in Larryville."
Richard: "This blog grew out of our former once-a-week night at Quinton's, and I thank the place for that. And Kip is right about a few things. The girls are pretty. And I'd have sex with them! But all in all there's just no 'magic' to this place. It's not like the Replay, which is a place where anything might happen. Basically, the same thing happens at Quinton's every night. The girls are pretty, and we don't get to fuck them."