Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Boys Consider Local Cuisine, Vol. II / Plus, They Spot a Restaurant in KC That Might Be Worthy of a Field Trip!

Restaurants come and go in Larryville, but one new spot has made a name for itself along busy Mass. Street. It's called "Ingredient." Or, rather, it's called "In.gre.di.ent," which is defined on the sign as a verb meaning "formulate satisfaction."

Richard: "As an English major, it's awfully hard to eat here. 'Ingredient' is not a verb. I often step in and defy the staff to use 'ingredient' as a verb. They can't do it."

Chip: "Considerations of grammar aside, who in fuck wants an eleven dollar sandwich when Jefferson's is right down the street?"


With the pleasures of Larryville at hand, the boys rarely feel the need to venture into KC's restaurant and bar scene. But one place in the city's new Power and Light District may have just given them an incentive to do so. It's called Tengo Sed Cantina and contains "stripper poles [which] stretch up from the dining tables, which female customers stand on as they find a way to grind and twirl to anything the DJ plays" (Pitchweekly).

Chip: "Oh my God! If Quinton's had stripper poles for the customers to dance on, I'd never leave. Now I don't know the caliber of women that frequent Tengo Sed, but I can imagine they're pretty upscale and attractive. The Power and Light District, after all, has a strict dress code which many are claiming is racially discriminatory but which is really just a way to assure that people dress in a nice and sexy fashion. And there's nothing wrong with that. No, sir."

Richard: "Hell, if want a restaurant with stripper poles, I'd rather just go across the river to the Dirty Bird buffet, which enforces a different kind of dress code for its employees: no clothes at all (during the second song)."

Chip: "As a public educator, I can't go to such places. Most of the employees are probably my students' mothers and I'm afraid they'll want to talk to me about little Johnny's report card while they're giving me a lapdance. That might be distracting. I'll stick with Tengo Sed."


I Have But Cantina said...

Not to mention, we play much better music than that Angel's Rock Bar, though some of the waitresses dress, como se dice, like Sunset Strip fulanas!

Stickler said...

Isn't it "I am thirsty cantina"?

And ingredient is most definitely not a verb. Maybe we can invent ingredientiate?

quinton's said...

But we're bigger sluts, on the whole. Remain in Larryville, boys!

Sister Mary Jane Rottencrotch said...

Given K!p's propensity to eat nothing more than chicken-fried [insert pretty much anything here] on a regular daily basis... don't you lads worry that bring him into such a den of scurvy and, theoretically, libidinous women... well, aren't you worried that K!p's poor, bloated, cholesterol -soaked heart and veins just won't be able to take the strain of it all.

The poor walrus sweats while he eats as is. If you loose him in that den of venereal diseases and oozing-pussing, open-sored harlots in the shape he currently is in (somewhere between a soft tetrahedron and Oglethorpe, the larger Plutonian form Aqua Teen Hunger Force)... well, Young K!pton Pennywh!stle S!ml!e might end up pushing up daisies as opposed to planting them in his victory garden in Ft. Scott!

PS -- Notice the elegance of using the exclamation points! This Chip thing just cannot work -- but, by mere inversion of the 'i' we can have our chubby (self and Self)-luvah back... and he can not be found on these internets!

But for the record: K!p > Chip ... though he consumes more of the latter than the former! (I want the boys to designate a healthy living column as a new feature so that we may laugh at K!P's foibles for at least a few more years!)

I have a playful thought! said...

In acknowledgement of Kevin Smith's successful overthrow of the MPAA's ruling concerning "Zach and Miri"... why not have the Chronicles perform/ direct their on equivalent?

"K!p and Richard Make a Porno! (possibly together... hopefully not)"

It could be the story of a young rube from Kickapoo named Kip (name and characters entirely fictional) who seeks to learn the ways of womening from a High Master who will teach him the ways of the gigolo assassin. Kicked out of his house by his puritanical father, played by Meatloaf, young Kipton travels the country by bus only to find his High Master of the Ladying arts and Weirding Ways (Richard) at a bus stop somewhere in California.

Though the High Master wants nothing to do with him, at first, these two discover their destinies when they find that the tattoos on their rears happens to mysteriously spell out "LARRYVILLECH" and "RONICLES" when the stand cheek to cheek. What happens from there -- no one can really say, but action, adventure, songsmanship and, possibly, young Kipton's discovery of his own fleshy manhood ... only during climactic battle with Satan himself! Hopefully Dave Grohl will accept the role!

--I'm pretty sure that this would make for a wonderful piece of pornography!

MPAA said...

We'll never let the boys get away with such porn (artful as it might well be!).

But if the boys had a camera and any technical skill whatsoever, I'm sure they WOULD begin making short video pieces for broadcast here (with the boys' roles being played by local homeless people recruited on Mass. Street!).