Tuesday, June 8, 2010

This Week in Local News / The Boys' Summer Book Club

Readers, perhaps you'd like to know how the boys feel about some of the major recent Larryville stories, such as the "hate crime" outside the Replay Lounge? (sad). Or today's death at the Oread Inn? (confusing). Or the closing of Joe Schmo's restaurant? (Chip: "I fucking told you that bocce ball would not work in the Midwest!").

But since we haven't had a reader in many days (despite tittie pictures and a discussion of The Human Centipede!), we don't know what you want to hear about. So we're just going to consider Justn Cronin's new post-apocalyptic vampire/zombie novel The Passage.

The Passage has already been annointed by virtually every media-outlet as the book of the summer, a behemoth (766 pages) of a page-turner about a little girl in post-apocalyptic America pursued by hordes of "virals," who are "hairless, insectile, glow-in-the-dark mutations" (interweb). The Passage netted Cronin, a former winner of the PEN/Hemingway award, a $3.75 million book deal. Is Cronin just slumming, wanting to cash in on the recent vampire/zombie craze? Or is the book truly awesome? We'll let you know 766 pages from now. But here's the first line to get you hooked:

"Before she became the Girl From Nowhere--the One Who Walked In, the First and Last and Only, who lived a thousand years--she was just a little girl in Iowa, named Amy."

Laura Miller, in Salon, says that the book proves it's still "possible to write a novel that revels in narrative momentum and pop mythos while still honoring the textures of real people, places and things."

Chip: "Praise it all you like, if a book's first sentence does not pass my 'boner test' of good fiction, I'm unlikely to proceed."

Richard: "The only question for me is whether I'll read this before or after I read Brains: A Zombie Memoir, which is written as a first-person account from a 'rare sentient zombie.' Enjoy this excerpt:

"I forgave the humans for hunting me, as I forgave myself for eating them. Like Anne Frank, in spite of everything, I still believed we are all really good at heart."


miss the LC blind said...

He fell for the boy, Nog and apparently thought the rainbow coalition was a tangible pair of testicles dangling off the side of the edifice.

The Times Critic Responds said...

Alright, fucknuts.

I bought this piece of shit, and I had better be fucking riveted from my dick to my dick cosy every fucking page of 760... or it's an assbeating for KIp... and a nice evening of Spongebob Squarepants: the movie for Big Dick.

And where was this titty mentioned? I saw no fucking titty! Believe me -- if there is titty -- preferably ass and titty (I'm friends with Adrienne Curry on Twitter... I love speaking with her about both of hers) -- my shit is here and britchesless.

But I like the book column -- I think it should be more regular as I have little time for salon.com, and I would prefer if Noggle just tells me what's new, hip and shitty to read.

--Now, pardon me while I read about.. the fuck I know.

PS -- Would it kill anyone to get those photos of Beth and Shelley in bikinis on here? Cripes! Where's the fucking investigative journalism!?!

the president's vampire said...

I predict The Passage is at least twice as awesome as Blood Oath: The President's Vampire (or maybe just twice as long). But three times LESS awesome than Harry Lupus: Boy Vampire.

And there was (artistic) tittie on display yesterday!

investigative journalist said...

Of course I meant to say "Harry Lupus: Boy Werewolf" (fuck vampires!).

And I think our female readership disappeared entirely somewhere during Masturbation Month.

I think it's also very important to mention said...

I hate Lady Gaga.

skeptical said...

If your book is a 766-page vampire story, I'll put 5:7 narrative momentum is not its strong point.