Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Statewide Smoking Ban / The Boys Consider Twilight: Eclipse / Hipster Pick of the Day

Barring any last minute reprieves, a statewide smoking ban goes into effect tomorrow for all bars, restaurants, and even many private clubs (due to some tricky shenanigans within the bill). Larryville, of course, has had a citywide smoking ban for years, and it hasn't affected the boys much. However, they do enjoy occasional trips to titty bars outside the city limits for a lapdance and a smoke (Chip: "A cigarette never tastes better than it does right after a lapdance."). So they oppose the ban, as do the owners of small-town bars across the state, who fear they cannot survive the ban, since most of their income comes from old men who like to smoke, such as this guy at the Perry Pub:

"Everybody knows when you go to a bar," said Steven Ernst from his stool at the end rail, "you're going to drink, you're going to smoke and you're going to get stupid. It is just nature." (LJ-World).


In the world of pop-culture, there's only one story that matters today: the opening of the third Twilight film, Eclipse, which is being hailed by critics nationwide as... almost tolerable.

Let's check in with the geeks over at Ain't It Cool News, who are understandably pissed that one of our greatest monsters has been reduced to a toothless (get it? it's a fang joke) masturbation fantasy for teenage girls and lonely older women in boring marriages.

Let's quote Capone's review at length (since it makes us laugh):

"...the love triangle between Bella (Stewart), Edward (Pattinson), and Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is one of the most drop-dead, snore-inducing romances ever committed to film. But the death stroke of all three films is that I can't get passed the fact that Bella is the biggest, most manipulative bitch imaginable as she seemingly goes out of her way to string two guys along over the course of three films (with the two-part BREAKING DAWN still to go--yay) by playing the horny virgin with a guy she knows wants to wait to have sex with her until they're married. While the guy who would tap that ass in a second, him she says she loves but not in "that way." But she still makes out with him, and I'm pretty sure I saw her twisting his often-exposed nipples at least once. So in conclusion, I hate Bella."

Our feminist readers: "These films are not meant for the male gaze! It's obvious that Bella finds a much-needed sexual power through her 'manipulation' (taming) of these male 'beasts,' teaching young women the valuable lesson that they should fuck only when THEY are ready and never at the whim of some horny wolf-boy."

Richard: "Agreed. And I would totally let Kristen Stewart twist my oft-exposed nipples."


Rooftop Vigilantes are well-known for their drunken hijinks onstage and the brevity of their songs and sets, and they should prove an ideal opening act tonight at the Jackpot for the equally concise Prizzy Prizzy Please, whose self-titled debut album clocked in at 9 songs in 27 minutes.

Here's an interweb review of Prizzy Prizzy Please:

"...the album closes with the monumental "Dyno Police."The song marks a new direction for the band. More than any song on the album, "Dyno Police" showcases lead singer/saxophonist Mark Pallman's saxophone and vocal skills...("you scary dinosaurs! / we'll call the dyno police!")...".

The band's Myspace page brags of their inclusion in the AV-Club's "Cutesy Bullshit" section of a recent "Year In Band Names" round-up (our personal favorite from the "cutesy bullshit" list is Eskimo Kisses for Mommy, which sadly seems to have broken up since that list).

Go here to rock with Prizzy Prizzy Please:


signs of the impending apocalypse! said...

"masturbation fantasy for teenage girls"

It's amazing how this crap-tastic film series has managed to turn the above phrase into a bad thing!

Nipple Twisting Bullshit said...

I'll tell you what:

If the female readers of this blog strip naked and start touching each other -- I will get a fucking Team Edward tattoo trampstamped across my ass.

--But it had better be some serious scissor fucking hotness!

beth said...

"which is being hailed by critics nationwide as... almost tolerable." That made me LOL. Especially since it's true.