Saturday, January 31, 2009

The LC Art Update! (Soup, Restrooms, and Trees!)

Today brings a major annual Larryville art event: Soup-er Bowl Saturday at the Arts Center, in which guests can purchase a ceramic bowl ($10-30 dollars) made by local artists which will then be filled with soup.

Chip: "I disliking the idea of using the holiest of sports days to capitalize on 'art.' "

The boys themselves do not plan to attend, as they are busy preparing 'bacon explosion' for their respective Super Bowl functions tomorrow.

However, they are excited about several other art events on the horizon.

On Feb. 6, at Henry's, a new exhibit opens called "The Water Closet: Portraits of Queers in Public Bathrooms," described as follows: "Public bathrooms are contested space for members of the queer community. They are simultaneously a place of eroticism for public sex, as well as, a place of intense gender policing." Each portrait is set in a local public restroom.

Richard: "I fear that any satirical take on this exhibit runs a higher than usual risk of misinterpration."

Chip: "Agreed. Plus, it sounds like a fabulous exhibit. Even as a straight man (very straight), I have a strong interest in local restrooms and have had several formative, albeit strictly heterosexual, experiences in them, such as the time I took a piss next to Coach S.lf at the Yacht Club and the time I discovered that the restrooms at the local Northside biker bar are absolutely the cleanest in town, simply pristine."

But the most anticipated hipster art event is, without question, the upcoming Percolator exhibit called "Trees I Have Known" (the opening is March 14).

Richard: "I knew a mighty oak back in Arkansas and I look forward to celebrating it in both word and song and painting."

Friday, January 30, 2009

The Boys Consider the U.S. Postal Service, the Effects of Boys' Names Upon Violent Crime Rates, and Hipster Song Titles

The U.S. Postal Service shocked the nation this week with suggestions that mail delivery might be shortened to five days a week due to the recession. What day is the likely victim? Look out Tuesdays!

Richard: "In our world of high-speed communication, the truth is that daily snail mail is an antiquated, largely unecessary system that we keep around primarily for nostalgia and comfort: people love the fact that 'not rain, nor sleet, nor snow' can stop the mail. Hell, we could easily cut it down to a three day delivery week and the only people affected in major ways would be bored housewives waiting for coupons, lonely women corresponding with inmates, and a few angry Unabomber types."

---

A new study this week in Social Science Quarterly claims that boys with unusual names or more likely to turn to a life of crime in their youth.

Chip: "Well, no shit. When I was a lad my schoolmates called me 'Chippi Longstocking' and "fish n' chips' until I got so pissed I threw a rock through the schoolhouse window."

---

If you've been hearing a bit of extra hipster buzz on the streets of Larryville, it's probably because Los Campesinos! (yes, the exclamation point is part of the name) are hitting town next week for a major show at the Bottleneck. Sure, all of us local self-respecting hipsters abandoned the 'Neck for the 'Pot (Jackpot) many years ago, but an occasional show such as this will lure us to fork over the high-ticket prices (ten bucks) to a see a band whose new album has been described by Pitchfork as "a messy, glorious, and cohesive artistic document of internet café-era indie life that sounds best when sung by heart."

Chip: "Las Campesinos' sounds Spanish to me, but I understand they are Welsh. I assume their name is ironic?"

While the song titles of the Campesinos! generally do not lean toward the overly long, esoteric titles of their hipster counterparts, one can still gain a sense of their 'cleverness' from a title such as "The End of the Asterisk" and their hipster-sensitivity from a title like "Heart Swells/Pacific Daylight Time," which Pitchfork calls "a lovelorn miniature epic, with gusting guitars and Parenthetical Girls-quoting lo-fi vocals which shift midway through to folky strums and scratchy, indecipherable mumbling. If you mistakenly dismissed the band as another set of childish twee-poppers, our special today is crow."

But let us take a look today at some other hipster song titles (and we invite our readers to submit faux-titles of their own in the comment section).

"Dirty Dustin Hoffman Needs a Bath" --Of Montreal

"Upon Viewing Brueghel's 'Landscape With the Fall of Icarus' "--Titus Andronicus (they are opening for Los Campesinos! !)

"The Vivian Girls Are Visited in the Night by Saint Dargarius and His Squadron of Benevolent Butterflies" --Sufjan Stevens

"The Wizard Turns On... The Giant Silver Flashlight and Puts on His Werewolf Moccasins" --Flaming Lips

"Grim And Frostbitten Moongoats Of The North" --Impaled Northern Moonforest ("acoustic black metal" /to our friend King Tosser, you will want to look this up on Wikipedia and YouTube!).

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Boys Consider On-Line Virginity Auctions / Plus, the LC's Recipe Corner and Some News on the Homeless!


The New York Daily News brings us a story today of a 22 year old college student named Natalie Dylan who's auctioning her virginity to the highest bidder. She's had 10,000 offers thus far, topping out at $3.7 million. What do the boys think?

Richard: "Sure, I'm as disturbed by the moral and ethical implications of this as the next socially conscious citizen but, my God, have you seen this girl? If I had the cash, I'd totally go 3.8 mil."

Chip: "During the 'Dr. C. years' at Quinton's, we quite often discussed the primitive, primal male need to deflower women before they have been corrupted by other male 'predators,' but personally I've always sided with Costanza from Seinfeld in that girls always remember their first, and I'd rather be forgotten than remembered. In the article, Natalie says, "I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal," but aside from bragging rights and a brief period of internet notoriety, I'm not sure how the winning male will exactly 'profit.' I'm fairly certain I could pay an equally hot (albeit non-virginal) Quinton's waitress to at least blow me in the parking lot for 200 bucks or so."

The article reports that "Dylan wants to auction off her virginity to pay for her master's degree in Family and Marriage Therapy."

The LC wishes her the best and hopes some of the money can be set aside for her own future therapy bills.



---

(A warning to our vegetarian readers: this story contains graphic bacon-related description and imagery).

Like all real men, the boys love pork ("And porking women!"--Chip), and they are very excited about a new recipe called "Bacon Explosion" that has recently swept across the internet (the NYTimes reports that "well over 16,000 sites have linked to the recipe" since it appeared on the web site of a KC barbecue team).

The dish is described as a "massive torpedo-shaped amalgation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce" (NYTimes).

Chip: "The only way this could possibly get better is if the whole thing were then chicken-fried and bathed in thick, delicious cream gravy. The picture alone gets me nearly as excited as the one above of Natalie Dylan."











---

Chip has long maintained that it's getting harder and harder to distinguish the downtown homeless population from the hippies and hipsters who haunt the streets. An article in today's LJ-World about the recent 'homeless count' confirms this belief:

"Steimle did his best to look for people with an unkempt appearance — what he thought were characteristics of the homeless. He introduced himself to several people he thought were homeless and, after explaining what he was doing, was met with some uncomfortable smiles from people who explained they were not, in fact, homeless.

“You can’t tell a homeless person by looking at them,” said Steimle."


Chip: "Finally, Larryville is taking action. Counting the homeless is a first step to rounding them up and shipping them elsewhere."

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Larryville Gets a New Bar! / Plus, This Week's Obama-Product: Obama Chia Heads!

Since the Moon Bar closed, leaving local residents without a proper place for an old-fashioned knife-fight, Larryville's Iowa Street really hasn't had a proper nightlife 'destination.'

That may be changing.

A place called "Wilde's Chateau 24" is now open in the long-dormant Molly McGee's building ("Molly's was never the same once it moved to the other side of Iowa Street"--Richard).

Information on the Chateau is sketchy at this point. All that's known is that the bar will play host to "Pride Night" each Wednesday. Perhaps the place is indeed the full-fledged gay bar Larryville has been needing?

Chip: "Well, 'chateau' certainly doesn't sound very heterosexual. In fact, it sounds very...French."

Richard: "Oh, I don't know. It sounds to me like a ski resort, the kind of place I could lounge by a roaring fire with a snifter of brandy while I observed the "slopes' and 'valleys' of ski bunnies mingling nearby. Or perhaps it recalls a country manor, the kind of place where we could recline comfortably while ladies feed us grapes. I predict great things for this bar. It may last as long as two months."

---

Last week we discussed Ben and Jerry's "Yes Pecan" ice cream ("I look forward to eating this shit for at least the next four years, and hopefully eight." --Richard).

But what's the next company to profit off the new President?

The makers of "chia pets' and 'chia heads' are proud to announce the new "Obama chia head," a product already being deemed as racist by some (due to the fact that all chia heads grow what amounts to "Afros").

Chip: "But most African-Americans do have afros, don't they?"

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Boys Consider 3-D Porn, the Digital Changeover, and More Hipster Music Criticism! (Plus, a New Contest!).

Hong Kong filmmakers are currently hard (!) at work on a 3-D porn film called Sex and Zen: "Just imagine that you'll be watching it as if you were sitting beside the bed," Stephen Shiu Jnr told the Sunday Morning Post. "There will be many close-ups. It will look as if the actresses are only a few centimetres from the audience."

Are the boys excited?

Chip: "I always sit up close to the screen while watching porn anyway. What's the difference? Oh, I'm sure the film will have some fun with 3-D boner humor, but who wants a boner in the eye?"

Richard: "Agreed. I'm waiting for some sort of virtual pornographic theatrical experience in which we don virtual reality suits and actually physically experience this sex and zen for ourselves, the sex moreso than the zen, although I'm sure the zen is nice too."

---

He may not have solved the recession quite yet but, at Obama's urging, the Senate has effectively delayed next month's "changeover" to all-digital broadcasting by four months.

Chip: "Finally, he's done something right. I assure you that Forttt Scottt is not ready to give up their rabbit ears, nor will they ever be."

---

Musical collectives are so hot in the hipster world right now, and on Friday Replay patrons will get to experience some of the magic for themselves as the many members of Portland's Musee Mecanique come to town with 'singing saws' and glockenspiels.

Here are some of the influences they list on their Myspace page: "Hildegaard von Bingen, succulents, Portland rain, Spherical Harmonics, Bernard Hermann... Jean Luc Godard, vacuum tubes, Michel Gondry, The Sherman Bros., Stan Brakhage, Wes Anderson... Country Songbirds...".

And here is a review from Soundcheck magazine:

" 'Hold This Ghost' is an album for those of us who revel in brooding postmodern novels – the kind that when finished leave you wondering whether to hold the book to your chest and sob or just stare at the ceiling and think. You’ll feel soothed, then uneasy. Romanced, then abandoned. But never, ever bored."

Chip: "When I read a postmodern novel my first reaction is to sob for the sorry state of American letters and reread My Antonia."

Infuriated by the band's description, lone local troubadour Matt "I don't need no stinkin' collective" Cl.thier was inspired to take a break from poetry and diaper-changing and send in his own parody of hipster music criticism. Here it is:

"Bourgeois Boudoir combines postmodern music theory with Victorian-era themes, all while conveying a shimmering Romantic ethos. In addition, Derridean wordplay and Surrealistic "cadavre exquis" songwriting and live performances make Bourgeois Boudoir, in the words of Loped Out G, one of BB's 38 members, 'The fucking shit.' You can see the middle class kings of the bedroom tomorrow at The Replay from 1:05 to 1:09."

Think you can top him? Send in your own parody for a chance to win a free PBR from Richard. And check out Cl.thier's non-collective performance at the Yacht Club this Friday night, the day after 'Kansas Day," in which he'll be performing an entire set of Kansas covers!

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Boys Weekly Box Office Report / Plus, How do Progressive Larryvillians Entertain Themselves?

With the Oscar nominees announced this past week, one might think those films would rocket to the top of the box-office. But one would be wrong. Paul Blart: Mall Cop remained on top for the second straight weekend, surprising everyone in the industry and even eking out a small victory over the vampire/werewolf picture.

Richard: "I've decided that what we're witnessing here is something more complex than simply America's attraction to dumb entertainment. My theory is that, in this tough economic climate, people are finding comfort in Paul Blart: Mall Cop's vision of a consumer society that is perhaps off-limits for some at the moment, due to low wages and lay-offs, but that is being protected in the interim by a faithful mall cop until we all can return to our frivolous ways of spending."

Chip: "I liked the part where the fat guy crashed the scooter."

---

Readers, you may be wondering how the average environmentally-minded citizen of Larryville spends his or her weekend. Today's LJ-World provides that answer, which we will present here with no extra commentary. It is a description of this weekend's annual Kaw Valley Eagle Day:

"Clad in a shimmering green jumpsuit made from soda can tops and frozen juice lids, Eco Elvis, an environmental evangelist from Kansas City, strummed a guitar and sang tunes like “Viva Las Vegans” and “Compost Hotel.”

“I’m here to get you all shook up about the environment,” he said...".

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Boys Consider the Results of an Important New Sex Survey! / Plus, the LC's "Hick Pick" of the Day!


[Our post today is dedicated to our good friend Dr. C, who now resides out West but who once taught us so much about monkey-sex during the heyday of the weekly Quinton's 'board meetings.' Enjoy!]



Today's New York Times Magazine contains a story about Meredith Chivers' new study of human sexuality, in which volunteers were shown a series of films (heterosexual sex, sex between women, sex between men, and monkey sex...bonobo monkeys, to be specific, which contained some dubbed sounds of monkey hoots and screeches because the actual bonobos were very quiet during lovemaking). During the films, "plethysmographs" were connected to the volunteers' genitals which measured their levels of arousal. Straight men registered high levels of arousal at heterosexual and lesbian sex, with little stimulation by the male/male or monkey scenes. Straight women, on the other hand, registered arousal across the board...yes, even the monkeys got them hot.

Chip: "This sounds like a fun study to participate in, but at the same time I'm a little afraid I might get a boner while watching those monkeys fuck."

Richard: "I've often read that women are less visually stimulated than men, so perhaps it was primarily the dubbed monkey noises that turned them on. Even so, I find it inspiring to read how easily aroused women can be, and I predict this study will get us all laid immediately."

The LC suggests that you read the article, if only for lines such as these: "And with the women, especially the straight women, mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person."

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?ex=1390453200&en=3d4cf2139c62cff7&ei=5124&partner=digg&exprod=digg

---

Chip: "Today, about half the population of Forttt Scottt will be making a rare pilgrimage to KC. Why? To check out one of Larry the Cable Guy's two shows at the Midland this evening. Sure, it's easy for intellectuals to scoff at such 'lowbrow rural' humor, but the truth is that Larry's trademark 'Get 'er done' has become a powerful mantra for a certain kind of person across the nation who may often feel beaten down by everyday concerns but who nonetheless soldiers through life's mundane matters with a smile and a shrug and a 'Get er' done!' We should all thank Larry, instead of making fun of him, and I predict one day his routine will be remembered as fondly as Abbott and Costello's 'Who's on first?'"

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Live From the Percolator, Vol. II

With his appearance at "Mothers, Madonnas, and Queens" last night, Richard is 2 for 2 on his New Year's resolution to attend all Percolator art openings this year. Sure, art may be struggling in some parts of Larryville--with KU dismantling the School of Fine Arts and farming out its members to other departments--but the scene is vibrant downtown. While last night's opening may have lacked the gonzo mayhem of the "Apocalypse" event and the cozy, communal "snuggling" of the recent "Storytelling Experiment," it redeemed itself by featuring what is surely one of the largest collections of stencils about breast milk ever gathered in one place. While we hipsters mixed and mingled, a motley collection of local folkies "jammed" in one corner before taking an hour-long break to discuss the latest Animal Collective record: "I think we can all agree that Panda Bear is our favorite." Richard gives the opening 2.5 out of 5 PBR's and looks ahead to the "Trees I Have Known" exhibition next month, which is currently accepting contributions from the public. Will his own work be included?


---

On a cold winter's night in Larryville, nothing can warm you up like a little "lo-fi bedroom pop." At the Replay tonight, Darren Keen will give you what you need. Lawrence.com says that Keen "composes ramshackle bedroom pop with whatever he can find under his pillow (mostly drum machines, guitars and cheap keyboards)."

The Pitch, on the other hand, reminisces about Keen's former project, The Show is the Rainbow, which "has rather Ssion-like cartoon and live action videos for every song...while he sings or crowd surfs (with or without his big belly exposed)."

Richard: "Myself, I prefer the lo-fi incarnation. With bands like Of Montreal, who are prone to on-stage nudity, there's really too much hipster flesh on display these days, along with major live-show, dance-party spectacles. Whatever happened to just standing quietly in the back of a show, fully dressed, non-dancing, with our PBR's, and sometimes maybe writing some notes so we can blog about the shows later. The good thing about Of Montreal, however, is that the pretension remains high despite the fun being had, as we can see from Sasha Frere-Jones recent New Yorker profile of the band: "On 'Hissing Fauna,' [Barnes, lead singer] recounts bonding with a girl over Georges Bataille's 'Story of the Eye.'"

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Boys Consider Jo Schmo's "Beer Buckets," the Genre of "Bromance," and Roller Derby!

Drinking beer is often considered an important communal act, but did you ever wish it could be a little bit more so? Now it can! Jo Schmo's $12 dollar beer buckets are exactly what they sound like: a big tub o'beer with straws provided.

Richard: "There's a wonderful innocence to this. I enjoy taking my best girl and sipping a beer bucket together like we're drinking a chocolate malted in a 50's diner...except this is the kind of 'malted' that can get you shitfaced!"

---

Largely thanks to the work of writer/director Judd Apatow, the "bromance" has become a staple at the cineplex lately. These films celebrate the heterosexual/homosocial relations between the kinds of horny young men who have always populated such sex comedies, and in so doing perhaps give their young male audiences a different take on gender issues. One of the surprise hits at this year's Sundance Film Festival aims to push the "bromance" into more complex territory: Humpday is the story of two straight friends who decide to make a "gay art project," a film in which they have sex with each other.

Chip: "Hollywood wants me to be embarrassed by my staunch heterosexuality, but I'm not. So far the only movie that made me truly wish I were gay was Sex and the City: The Movie."


---

Roller derby has yet to infiltrate Larrvyille hipster society, but it's spreading like wildfire in the hipster and rockabilly communities of KC and Topeka. The ladies have names like Boobarella, Yvette Yerass, Sassy B. Yatch, Sweet Roll, and Dee Claw, of the Victory Vixens, pictured below (she lists her "good luck charm" as "fire crotch pants.")

Richard: "This is so much cooler than kickball and I can't wait till it gets to Larrvyille!"

Chip: "My mother always warned me to stay away from Derby girls, but I'll bet they're wild and kinky. I'll bet they do it with their skates on."


Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Boys Consider Anti-Percolator Discrimination, Look Ahead to this Weekend's Movies, and Geek Out With "Lost"!

Tomorrow evening brings one of Larryville's several "Downtown Gallery Walks," and today's LJ-World mentions all of the galleries involved, on and off Mass. Street. Nowhere to be found, however, is the Percolator, despite the fact that there is a prominent opening called "Mothers, Madonnas, and Queens" there tomorrow night. Is this because the hipsters of the Perc. do not want to mingle with more "mainstream" Larryville art (such as that freaky shit at the "Bestiary" show at 6 Gallery)? Or is it because the "mainstream" is scared of the hipsters at the Perc, whose openings tend to feature moments such as this, from the "Apocalypse" opening, in which a mystical apocalyptic creature terrifies some small children:













---

It's been a good few weeks for movies, with both Hotel for Dogs and Paul Blart: Mall Cop delighting audiences across the land. Expect another strong opening this weekend as a new vampire film hit screens: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. The only thing more cool than a vampire film is a film with both vampires and werewolves * , and this one promises to deliver: "Lucian, a werewolf...battles vampire Viktor despite his love for Viktor's daughter Sonja" (interweb).

Chip: "This film stars Michael Sheen, whom the 'artsy' crowd may recall as David Frost in the recent Frost/Nixon. But I suspect his role as Lucian will allow him to better flex his acting muscles."

Richard: "As announced here several times, I'm still at work on my series of adolescent werewolf novels and have finally added a second sentence:

"As the full moon rose outside his bedroom window, Harry Lupus woke up with a very furry boner. He began to howl."


[*The only thing better than a vampire and werewolf film would be a film with vampires and werewolves and zombies.]

---

To the delight of geeks everywhere, Lost returned to television last night, promising to finally answer such nagging questions as "Why was Jack's supposedly dead father Christian wearing white tennis shoes during his mysterious appearance in Season One?"

Chip: "Anyone who's waited five years to find out an answer about a character's shoes needs to get a life. Go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, get laid, play some sports, for goodness sake!"

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Boys' Book Club Reads David Denby's "Snark"

David Denby is primarily known for his (non-snarky?) New Yorker film reviews ("At times, the movie sounds like two excited mattresses making love in an echo chamber": Denby, Dark Knight review), but he's also written several books, including a passionate defense of the "white male canon" called Great Books and now a 100+ page treatise called Snark: It's Mean, It's Personal, and It's Ruining our Conversation, in which he defines snark as an ever-expanding form of "invective" that is "low, teasing, snide, condescending, knowing," and is pervasive in on-line forums such as Facebook and increasingly replacing cogent criticism in our national discourse. In his work, Denby categorizes the "9 Principles of Snark," among them "indifference to the truth."

Richard: "Hipsters cannot function without employing all 9 Principles of Snark, sometimes at once. But is the LC snarky? Or would Denby give us a pass in that he claims to fully support "nasty comedy," "incessant profanity," and "any form of satire."

Chip: "Wow, Denby defends the canon and attacks America's increasingly low standards of public discourse? I may have found my cultural soul-mate."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The LC Considers Another Potential Sports Scandal, a New President, and an Important Hipster Record Release!

Just yesterday it seemed like Larryville's sport scandals were in the past. Gidden's Moon Bar knife-fight was barely discussed anymore; the Morris twins drunken BB-gun spree was written off as childish fun; even Collins' elevator-cock-exposure had been swept under the rug.

But then along comes this news:

"The Springfield (Mo.) News-Leader alleged Monday that Kansas University basketball coach Bill Self might have had inappropriate contact over the weekend with John Wall, a 6-foot-4 point guard currently rated as the nation’s top high school recruit."

But don't panic completely, readers! "Inappropriate contact" does not mean that Self touched anyone in a "special" place. Still, even a friendly hello to potential recruit is perhaps off-limits under NCAA guidelines.

Chip: "This is an overblown story. Besides, the coach of a championship team should be given carte blanche as far as I'm concerned. If he shows up at your door and wants to fuck your wife, you should step aside and say, 'Sir, it would be an honor to have you inside her.'"

---

As of noon today, in an event that at least one Port-a-potty vendor is calling "the largest temporary restroom event in the history of the United States," America has a new President. Surely even local hipsters put aside their irony for the morning to usher in a new era of hope. Then again--judging from a series of person-on-the-street interviews about inauguration plans on Lawrence.com--maybe not:

"I’ll watch the inauguration if Battlestar Galactica’s not on." — Pat Barger, quality control coordinator for the Ash Grove Kansas City Ready Mix Group

---

The story of Bon Iver's first album, For Emma, Forever Ago, has been told many times: it emerged from the pain of a hipster's break-up (then again, what indie album didn't?). Singer/songwriter Justin Vernon hid out in a remote cabin "for three epic, torturous months of post-heartbreak introspection/catharsis" (Pitchfork) and emerged with a work of such pain, such passion that it will...help sensitive young hipsters get laid for years to come.

But what does Pitchfork make of Bon Iver's new EP, Blood Bank:

" 'I met you at the blood bank, we were looking at the bags," he [Vernon] explains, tossing off the kind of opening sentence most aspiring novelists spend their whole lives praying for."

Richard: "This is indeed a better first sentence than "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,' but I still prefer 'Call me Ishmael,' by a slim margin."

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Boys Weekly Box-Office Report! / Plus, the LC "Flavor of the Week!"

With an intellectual assuming the highest office in the land this week, some say we may witness a corresponding rise in the public's intelligence: we will ascend to his level in our art and debate.

In the meantime, the public celebrated the last weekend of the Bush era by spending $33 million dollars on Paul Blart: Mall Cop, easily making it the top film in the nation.

Chip: "Film snobs like Richard think we should all be seeing Revolutionary Road, but why should we punish ourselves with Mendes' despairing vision of American suburbia when we can step into the auditorium next door and watch a fat man fall down for ninety minutes. The success of Paul Blart restores my faith in the public as a good-hearted nation that can laugh with ease at our foibles."

---

You're almost certainly planning to watch innumerable hours of inauguration coverage this week, but what's the best snack for this event? Allow us to recommend Ben and Jerry's "Yes Pecan" ice cream, billed as: "An Inspirational Blend! Amber Waves of Buttery Ice Cream With Roasted Non-Partisan Pecans."

Chip: "Let the hippies have their Obama-cream, but I wish there was also a good Republican ice-cream chain which offered flavors for the rest of us, like "Reagan Berry."

Richard: "I'm going to eat a big bite of Yes Pecan at the exact moment Obama is sworn in and it's going to taste like freedom!"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Boys Consider Booze and Politics! / Plus, "Stitch and Bitch!"

According to today's LJ-World, Larryville bars and restaurants sold 3.2 million dollars more liquor in 2008 than the year before, a fact largely attributed to fans out celebrating the basketball team's march to the national championship and the football team's march to an Orange Bowl victory (Chip: "As near as I can figure, I spent $1218.32 on booze last year, and I'm happy to say only eight of it was on PBR.").

But the paper failed to mention the extra booze sold to the masses of liberals out watching last year's debates and attending Election Night celebrations (the kind of people who, in a normal year, stay home reading The Nation). They'll be out again for this Tuesday's Inauguration Day celebrations, such as the one at the Granada featuring performances by such local hipster bands as Hidden Pictures, which the LC has pronounced the most adorable local boy-girl duo since the Transmittens. But don't worry: no one is or can be as cute as the Transmittens. Just look at this new Myspace photo:




---

A new knitting group, part of a nationwide "Stitch and Bitch" organization, began in Larryville last week. These groups cater largely to 20 and 30-something (hipster?) women, as opposed to the 'little old ladies' one might often associate with the hobby. According to Lawrence.com, one man joined the initial meeting of the group, stating: “I think masculinity in 2009 is broad enough to have men sew and not have their masculinity threatened by it...".

Chip: "Yeah, right."

Richard: "I remember a Quinton's discussion where our old friend Shawn told us that 'sewing circles' were a great place to meet women. Perhaps he was right."

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Rooftop Vigilantes Wrap-up / And Tonight's Hipster Art Pick!

After a week of promoting the Vigilantes' Replay hipster showcase, it's time to move on to other bands. But how was the show? Richard himself skipped it, claiming that any show with that much hype was bound to be a letdown. But was he wrong? Was it the greatest hipster show ever played in town or an event similar to Twain's "Royal Nonesuch" from Huck Finn?

LC-supporter and local rock scholar King Tosser is quoted in the Pitch's Wayward Blog as saying that the Vigilantes' recorded work is "fookin' brilliant," but his reaction on the live show seemed subdued today. The Pitch itself weighs in with some commentary on the band's recent Record Bar gig in KC:

"Twice during the set, two sorrority-lookin' dames in matching white sweaters, blue jeans and high-heeled boots got up and danced gleefully, Coors Light bottles in hand, to the Vigilantes merry musicmaking."

Richard: "I wonder if KC's hipster beer of choice is Coors Light? Because I could totally deal with that easier than this PBR swill we must poison ourselves with to be hip in Larryville."

The story reports that the band closed with a "tweaked up" version of the 'Mats "Cant' Hardly Wait."

Richard: "I have seen so many hipster bands take a stab at this song but they rarely get it right. The best was Grand Champeen. I'd had so many PBR's that night that I believed I was actually watching the Replacements."

But now that the show has come and gone and the Vigilantes are off on a winter tour to rack up more national acclaim, who should we pay attention to in Larryville? How about Fag Cop, playing both tonight and Monday at the Replay (two shows at the Replay in three days means they are poised for local hipster acclaim). The Onion's AV Club includes the band in their annual round up of "worst/silliest" band names, along with Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, Piss Piss Piss Moan Moan Moan, The Greatest Touchdown Ever Scored, and 3 Piston Ass Hammer.

---

And if you're in the mood for hipster art, one of Larryville's best known artists has a show tonight at the Dot Dot Dot gallery in the Haskell strip mall. It's Molly Murphy, and if you hang out much at the Pig or the TapRoom, you've likely had a beer either with or near her. Described by Lawrence.com as a "high profile, red booted, art booster-about-town," Murphy is known for her "nudes" and "semi-nudes."

Richard: "Her work is interesting, but what I really like are her boots."

Chip: "Are they tasteful nudes?"

And if the show leaves you craving less tasteful nudes, remember that the local porn emporium is next door!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Do Local Hipsters Make Movies? / Plus, The Vigilantes Have Arrived (at the Replay!).

Readers, you've probably been asking yourselves: local hipsters sure do make a lot of art and music, but do they ever make movies?

As a matter of fact, they do. Local artist/filmmaker Laura Nakadate's film Stay the Same Never Change is headed to the Sundance film festival this week: " 'It’s a story about some teenage girls in Kansas City and the anxieties they have around the desire to find love,' Nakadate says" (LJ-World). The film's soundtrack is by the indie-band Casiotone for the Painfully Alone.

Chip: "Young love and plinky-plunky keyboard music? Finally, a film I might like! I'd totally rather watch this than Revolutionary Road."

Richard: "The only hipster films I like are what's known as 'mumblecore' films, in which twenty and thirty-something non-actors improvise riffs on relationships and popular culture. I'm filming my own downtown and it's riveting...to me."

Unfortunately, locals can't see the film on Larryville screens just yet, but that doesn't mean that good national films aren't showing up on local screens, such as Paul Blart: Mall Cop, in which Kevin James, a mall cop, thwarts the plans of some burglars.

Chip: "It's funny because he's fat."

The KC-Star's 'contributing reviewer' writes of James' performance: "His character’s obsession with his Segway — he moves through the crowded mall, gracefully flowing around shoppers like a downhill racer zigging and zagging on an alpine run — might have evoked the sort of man/machine magic captured by great silent comics like Charlie Chaplin and especially Buster Keaton."

Richard: "Give me a fucking break. This film had about as much chance of evoking the Chaplin/Keaton magic as mine and Kip's conversations have of evoking the sparkling intellectual banter of Woody Allen's early work."

---

Hipsters unite! The Rooftop Vigilantes will storm the Replay tonight around 1:00 a.m and you'll all be wanting to hear your favorites. But remember: it is not hip to make requests! However, since the band only has a few songs, none longer than two minutes, you're almost certain to hear what you want to hear, and what you hear will be a sound so primal, so guttural, so Scream-O-riffic, that everyone might just get laid before the set is over.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Boys' Consider PETA's "furs for the homeless" inauguration plans / The Boys Look at Restaurant Criticism / Plus, More on the Rooftop Vigilantes!

PETA (for all you non-green, non-liberal readers, that means People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has led a long campaign against the wearing of fur but has finally found a use for discarded fur coats: they will be given away to the homeless during DC's inauguration ceremonies.

"We expect that the only fur on the streets on Jan. 20 will be on homeless people," said Bruce Friedrich, PETA vice president.

Richard: "This is a great idea on several levels. Obviously, it helps keep the homeless warm, which is nice, but it also makes them look more fashionable, which is nice for us when we have to look at them. PETA is also making sure to mark each fur coat with a black marker so they'll have very little value if someone attempts to sell them to buy booze or crack...or a house."

Chip: "I wish Larryville would institute this program. That way homeless people could more easily be spotted and avoided."

---

Yesterday's New York Times offered a fascinating profile of Francois Simon, a no-holds-barred French food critic who strikes fear into the heart of restauranteurs wherever he goes. Here's an excerpt:

"Mr. Simon prides himself on being an outsider and a provocateur. His columns describe not only a restaurant’s food, but also its service, décor and clientele, even down to the movement of the breasts of women around him."

Chip: "Simon should visit Quinton's. The food there is absolutely inseparable from the women who serve it. In fact, without the waitresses who serve it, the food is absolutely sub-par. I may not remember last night's cheddar soup there, but I remember the breasts of each girl who has ever brought be a breadbowl."

Richard: "I agree. One time AZ bent over to serve me some salsa and I saw right down her shirt. And that salsa tasted so much hotter than usual. It's all part of the experience."

---

The Rooftop Vigilantes show is on the horizon. Let's look at what www.littleboxofindie.com has to say about them:

"Couldn’t find a press kit, not even a website, just a Myspace page with some awesome photos of a dude passed out with “kill cops” written on his neck in sharpie."

But isn't that enough, readers? If you're a hipster, it's more than enough!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Boys Consider the AVN (porn!) Awards! / Plus, Local and National Hipster Picks of the Week!

This time of year everyone is so busy focusing on the Globes and the Oscars that, despite the much-discussed "mainstreaming of porn," the AVN awards for adult films can get overlooked. Recently held in Las Vegas, the AVN's awarded LC-favorite Nailin Paylin's lead actress, Lisa Ann, the "Cougar/Milf" of the year award. And if you think the Oscars has too many categories, you should really read through the list of winners for the AVN's, which range from "Best All Sex Film" (Alexis Texas is Buttwoman) to "Best Series" ("Big Wet Asses") to "Most Outrageous Sex Scene" (the zombie orgy in Night of the Giving Head, which somehow lost the "Most Clever Title" award to Strollin' in the Colon'). If you've missed some of these films this year, readers, now might be a good time to catch up. See you at Miracle Video.

---

Each day this week the LC is shilling for local hipsters Rooftop Vigilantes, who are riding a wave of local and national acclaim prior to this weekend's Replay appearance and winter tour. Hipster-approved Stereogum (not quite Pitchfork, but not bad) has declared them a "band to watch," describing them as follows:

"[The band's MySpace says the music] Sounds Like: "the texas rangers, only with more teeth." We think they can sound like the Promise Ring but with the energy of Small Brown Bike (the excellent "Charley No Want Girlfriend"...To see what we mean, take a listen to the infectious, organ-drenched "Oscar Want 7 Inch."

Chip: "The Promise Ring comparison intrigues me, because I miss emo so much that it hurts. I wish it were still cool to be emotional and ironic."

And while local hipsters are gearing up for this show, let's consider which non-local hipster band is getting the most national press at the moment? Surely a major contender is Animal Collective. Check them out at www.myspace.com/animalcollectivetheband ("Collectives" are so hot right now).

Rolling Stone gives a 3 and a half star review to their newest album, stating that "the magic returns on "Brothersport," a bacchanalian Brian Wilson-meets-Kraftwerk jam that repeats "open up your throat." Whether it's a celebration of singing, magic mushrooms or blow jobs is your call."

Richard: "When I make blowjob jokes in the LC's lyrical analysis, people say 'Oh, that's just Richard writing a dirty blog,' but when Rolling Stone does it, everybody says, 'Oh, I've gotta get the new Animal Collective record.'"

Chip: "My favorite member of the collective is Panda Bear."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The LC: A Tastemaker? / The Boys Consider Upcoming Films and the Miss America Pageant / Plus, a Bit of Art!

Mere hours after the LC plugged this weekend's Rooftop Vigilantes show, Lawrence.com weighed in with a major story on the band. A coincidence? Well, yes. But they offer an interview you'll certainly want to peruse in addition to our continuing coverage of these local hipsters which we vow to love at least until the Transmittens return with more shows. Here's the beginning of Lawrence.com's piece:

"You know a band takes its press junkets seriously when it packs a handle of Jim Beam and a twelver of Hamm’s. Lawrence’s Rooftop Vigilantes pounded portions of its ginmill in our company parking lot before venturing into our podcast studio..."

Richard: "A lot of young hipster bands think it's cool to get completely hammered to play their shows. And they are absolutely right."

The Vigilantes' album contains 16 songs in 27 minutes, with titles such as "Charley Want Mario Chalmers," "Hannah Give Haircut," and "After Shots at the Taproom" (which is likely autobiographical).

Chip: "Hipsters have short attention spans, so the short songs make sense, but I didn't realize they talked like cavemen."

---

The boys always keep an eye on the multiplex, and today they take a quick look at a couple of upcoming titles.

Chip: "During this time of year the market is so glutted with 'important' films seeking awards that it's sometimes easy to overlook the mediocre, mainstream fare that we love so well. But I hope that viewers don't overlook 'Hotel for Dogs' and 'My Bloody Valentine 3-D' in the coming weeks. I'm terribly excited about the first and moderately excited about the second. Personally, I don't care for the blood and gore, but I hear the film will provide boobies right in your face, 3-D style!"

Richard: "And I hear that Don Cheadle's work in 'Hotel for Dogs' makes his work in 'Hotel Rwanda' look like dogshit."

---

Like all red-blooded American males, the boys always enjoy watching the Miss America pageant and talking about which states they most want to bang. And this year's promotional material has especially sparked their interest. The show's ads ask: "Who goes down...and who gets the crown?"

Chip: " 'Who goes down?' Seriously, am I the only one who thinks this a barely-veiled reference to blowjobs?"

---

Although 6 Gallery's "Bestiary" art exhibition has been overshadowed by the Percolator's "Apocalypse" show (and the various antics of that gallery), it should not be missed by serious local art lovers. Richard had a chance to witness it just before the holidays and can personally vouch that there is some weird shit in there.

But here's one of the less disturbing pieces, which should please our fans of cute baby animals. It's a piece by Andrew Hadle called "Cute Pile," and the artist explains it as follows: “This is an image of some cats in a tree on a plate" (Lawrence.com).

Monday, January 12, 2009

Larryville Hipster Bands Are Getting National Press! / Plus, The Boys Check in With Larryville's Weekly "Lifestyle" Magazine, Go!

All local hipsters are familiar with Range Life records (named after the Pavement song, of course), but a new local label, Chomp Womp, is now overshadowing that institution. Chomp Womp is home to such hipster bands as Boo and Boo Too, Baby Birds Don't Drink Milk, Bandit Teeth, and Rooftop Vigilantes (who are slated for a weekend Replay showcase this Friday, paired with beloved hipsters The Dactyls, formerly Legendary Terrordactyls).

A piece in Impose Magazine (www.imposemagazine.com) provides a nice assessment of many of the label's bands. Let's let at a few descriptions, starting with Rooftop Vigilantes:

"Blissful, earnest pop punk with a sweet streak of 60s farfisa psychedelia...what could be described as Taco Tuesdays or The Zombies drunk on Hamm’s.”

Richard: "If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times: a Farfisa organ may be the only thing that can salvage indie rock at this point."

And here's Impose's description of Bandit Teeth that reveals a classic tradition in current music writing: linking a band to so many other bands that all meaning is obscured.

"You can sort of see B.Teeth doing an angry Pavement where Blood on the Wall is going after a stripped down Pixies via Sonic Youth."

Richard: "Here is my personal description of the popular new band Airborne Toxic Event: "it's like reading DeLillo while stoned on a plane being flown by the Talking Heads and the London Philharmonic."

---

As we've noted here before, each Monday LJ-World readers are treated to 30+ pages of local cultural issues in the new magazine Go, with features listing the most popular requests at the library (Dewey the Small Town Library Cat Who Touched the World is a fixture there), the public school weekly lunch menu (this Friday brings a "winter blend"), and profiles of local citizens.

This week's profile is of Khristina Kirstatter, proprietor of Larryville's Lucky Paws Bakery, which bakes healthy treats for dogs "including everything from a blueberry biscuit to one with a garbanzo bean base...and even does custom cakes for doggie birthdays and holidays." (Go). Visit her at www.luckypawsbakery.net

Chip: "My old south Kansas canine companion seems perfectly content to eat the ass end of a dead skunk in the field, and I can't tell he's any less healthy than these liberal Larryville pooches."

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Live From the Percolator, Vol. 1 / Plus, the Final Volume of the Boys' Consideration of "How To Love Like a Hot Chick"

Larryville has developed a thriving new hipster-art scene in the last year, centered around two downtown galleries: Wonder Fair (in the basement of a health-food store) and The Percolator (in the alley behind--but certainly having no connection to-- the Arts Center). And every burgeoning scene needs its Chronicler, an observer free to report or defend or critique at will (as opposed to our friends at www.therathaus.com, who love every piece of 'art' they encounter). Readers, perhaps Richard will become that Chronicler! Let's begin at the Percolator's "Campire: A Storytelling Experiment."

On a breezy winter evening, a mix of local artists, young hipsters, East-side eccentrics, and old hippies (and Richard) lounged on pillows and blankets around a faux-campfire of candles to hear a selection of "storytellers." Our hostesses invited us all to 'snuggle and cuddle' as we were treated to a diverse mix of six performances, which were as follows: a tale of 'killbots' ("They even killed rocks"); a baritone ukulele player who sang of her "splashy red shoes" which she wears downtown to eat ice cream; a series of autobiographical poems from a self-proclaimed 'Earth mother' which began with her discovery of masturbation at age 5 and proceeded through early sexual experiences ("I opened myself to him like a flower, fragrant..."); a presentation on human and whale earwax ("This is an actual piece of earwax I was able to purchase on Ebay"); a hip-hop/spoken word performance artist with a sexy voice who promised to put away her "attitude and foul mouth" for the evening; and an old-fashioned storyteller who closed the evening with her "personal fiction" about dating a vampire in Belgium during her youth. Afterwards, the floor was opened to the public, at which point a woman told a long story about being a member of the judo team at the Atlanta Olympics and led us all on a chant of "I'm a winner" (she came in 15th in the competition). By this point, a long line of musicians were waiting their turns to perform, at which time Richard, full of cheap Merlot and scared he would be forced to engage in a 40-minute Kumbaya singalong, made his exit.

But was this evening enjoyable or painful, on the whole? Readers, let's just say that your humble reporter is already working on his own presentation for the next "experiment," which will be so impressive that the indie-hipster chicks in attendance (and there were several ladies there who looked like they belonged front row at the Ad Astra Per Aspera show) will want to do a bit more than "snuggle" with him, if you catch his meaning. See you at the campfire.


---

And we've reached the final step in the mission statement of "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." Yes, it's finally time to make love.

"Step 4: Get Hot and Steamy and Stay Safe

Remember, Hot Chicks never apologize for their appetites, and that includes their desires for food, chocolate, and (of course) sex! But Hot Chicks also must play it safe, so we are always equipped with The Petite Intimacy LoveKit. This sexy and discreet kit has everything we need to get hot and steamy with our special someone, and it will make your man feel oh so lucky to be oh so intimate with a passionate, prepared Hot Chick like you!"


Chip: "I carry my own 'love kit,' which consists of 50 cents to play something 'grindable' on the jukebox and two old condoms for when the dancing is done."

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The LC's Weekly Hedgehog Update! / Plus, The Boys' Book Club's Continuing Consideration of How To Love Like a Hot Chick!

The accomplishments of young Judson King in securing domestic hedgehog rights for Larryville has been well-documented here (and every other local publication), but his increasing celebrity status and media appearances have made it a bit hard to keep up with all the developments. The LC hopes to become your one-stop shop for all things related to this important story: we'll synthesize the salient points of the numerous LJ-World profiles and editorial discussions to make things easier for our readers.

After numerous local interviews (such as a spot on "Fox and Friends"), Judson has now seen his story appear on CNN and has been invited to appear on two California talk shows (domestic hedgehogs remain illegal in California: who says they're progressive out there?). Opinions in local editorial pages range from the impressed(an old codger wrote in this week praising Judson as a shining example of youthful industriousness in an age where most young whippersnappers are lazy, no-good punks) to the nervous (an ecologically-minded citizen worries that Larryvillians will all get hedgehogs, which will then escape and wreak ecological havoc by eating local snails and upsetting the precarious natural balance of the town).

And how has Judson's legislative victory changed the boys?

Chip: "I purchased a hedgehog myself, which I named 'Little Chip,' which was formerly the nickname of my penis. Now I suppose I'll need a new moniker for my johnson."

Richard: "In these desperate economic times, a pet hedgehog can be a real source of comfort. Unfortunately, the little fuckers are expensive."

---

Readers, you may be growing weary of our consideration of "How to Love Like a Hot Chick," but there are only two more steps to consider in the authors' overall plan. Here is the next one:

"Step 3: Get What You Want

The next step to loving like a Hot Chick is to figure out what you want and do everything you can to get it. Since we always want to be ready to get some kisses, we prepare ourselves with Booty Parlor's Kissaholic Kissing Kit. This revolutionary kit leaves our lips plump and kissable and gives us sweet, fresh breath that helps us feel confident even in the face of an unexpected make-out moment. Our favorite shade is "Swoon," but all three leave us ready to do exactly that!"


Richard: "Here we get to the heart of the matter, female empowerment, which of course begins with pleasing a man."

Chip: "I've made do all these years without a 'kissing kit.' I just pucker up and go for broke."

Friday, January 9, 2009

Larryville Clocks in at Number 2 in a New Music Related Survey!/ Plus, The LC Book Club Continues Reading "How to Love Like a Hot Chick"

According to a census report, Larryville ranks second (just behind Nashville) in a list of "top metropolitan areas ranked by percentage of musicians in the labor force.” According to the LJ-World, this means that about 273 of Larryville's 88,000 population list their career as "musician."

Chip: "I thought that all local musicians earned their primary income from part-time jobs at Love Garden and Burrito King. I know that I'd much rather eat a burrito served by most local singer-songwriters than listen to their 'sensitive' tunes."

Richard: "So it's possible to make a living solely by being a Transmitten? Then I want to be a Transmitten! I could totally write adorable lyrics about 'cow-clouds' and 'sparklemittens.'"

---

Today we continue our look at the dating guide called "How to Love Like a Hot Chick." Here's some advice from the authors:

"Step 2: Boost Your Sexy Confidence
To start loving like a Hot Chick, first you need to squash your LSE (Low Self Esteem), and Booty Parlor's Luminizing Body Butter with Pheromones is our ultimate confidence-boosting secret weapon. It is infused with a powerful pheromone that makes us feel instantly irresistible, not to mention soft and infinitely touchable. So squash that LSE and start feeling like the luscious man-magnet that you are with this flirty little secret. We won't tell!"


Richard: "It's interesting how works with supposedly 'feminist' agendas manage to employ seemingly 'sexist' language toward their own goals of empowerment, but it certainly doesn't work for men: when Chip and I use phrases like 'luscious man-magnets' at Quinton's, the ladies don't always like it."

Chip: "This Booty Parlor Body Butter sounds nice. I love a woman who smells like butter."

So you may be asking yourself at this point: What is Booty Parlor? Well, our research reveals that it's an on-line sex shop specializing in items for the ladies, such as "Turn Me On Vibrating Panties":

"For the ultimate in sexy dates, wear them to intimate dinners, crowded parties, sporting events, on the dance floor or at the movies... it's your sexy secret!

Gentlemen- With great power comes great responsibility! Your new remote control allows you to turn her on at the touch of a button!"


Richard: "See, this is the kind of thing that leads me to believe that every woman on the street is probably wearing these things. It's a nice thought."

Chip: "This remote control accessory sounds great for occasions when I want to watch the game and my lady friends want to get romantic. I can just give them a little zap here and there till halftime rolls around."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Larryville Gets a Scenic Overlook! / The Boys' Book Club Reads "How To Love Like a Hot Chick!" (Vol. I)

KU architecture students have designed a 400 square foot "viewing platform" located on a cliff at the edge of Rockefeller Prairie (since when do prairies have cliffs?) at the KU Field Station three miles north of Larryville, slated to open early this year and "provide a spectacular view of the Kansas River valley, Lawrence and the University of Kansas" (KU website). The deck "will include a 20-foot-long curving bench, representative of waving fields of Kansas wheat."

Richard: "I predict this spot will be popular for lovers, and if my Chi Omega fountain plan fails, I hope to bang a sorostitute on this wheat-bench while singing the 'Rock Chalk' chant."

Chip: "I suspect this will be a popular suicide spot for leapers who are upset over this year's basketball squad."


---

Relationship guides are always popular, and one currently on the shelves is called "How To Love Like a Hot Chick," by Huffington Post bloggers Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent, who offer the following advice:

"Step 1: Read How to Love Like a Hot Chick

We define a Hot Chick as a confident woman who is passionate, comfortable in her own skin and owns her sexuality, and the advice in our book will bring out the sexy Hot Chick that is taking a nap right now inside you and help you giggle your way through every dating and relationship obstacle on the planet. We'll help you figure out what you want, how to get it, and why you shouldn't settle for anything less."


Chip: "They assume that every woman is or can be a 'hot chick,' which is patently false."

Richard: "Feminism often overlooks the power of 'giggling.' This is an important work."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Boys Discuss Pop Culture and Consider China's Crackdown on Porn!

Readers often wonder what the boys do at Quinton's, besides stare at all the sweet ass. Well, last night found them engaged in a spirited argument over whether Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood were part of the same series. Chip argued yes, insisting that there couldn't possibly be two separate works with names this dumb and both involving "sisterhood," while Richard insisted they were indeed separate, each important for their own reasons (Richard was right). In general, the conversation was similar to the Freddie Prinze Jr. discussion of a few years back, which led to Dr. C. hurling a Corona bottle off the deck and into the back parking lot. But, lest you think less of the boys, please know that they had one eye trained on the KU game and the other on their brunette waitress's breasts during the entire discussion.

---

China launched a massive "crackdown" on porn yesterday, insisting that Google and other companies were not doing enough to block access to pornography. What do the boys think about porn?

Richard: "On-line porn is here to stay. A recent survey in the States showed that at least 75% of workers had accidentally viewed porn in the office, and I suspect much of that was not exactly 'accidental.' I believe that companies should institute a few 'porn breaks' during the day, so that employees could masturbate and then get right back to work, fresh as a daisy."

Chip: "The mainstreaming of porn bothers me. Not so long ago people gathered in dusty attics to watch grainy, blurry images from film projectors. Half the time you couldn't tell if you were watching humans or horses, but it didn't matter, because porn brought people together. But these days everyone is just hunched over their computer screens all alone. It's sad, really."

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Boys Answer Reader Questions!

Q: "In 2008, due to overwhelming reader demand, you promised us stories about cute baby animals. Aside from the recent hedgehog material--and hedgehogs are hardly cute--there hasn't been much here to please us animal fans. What happened?

Richard: "Sadly, it sometimes happens that what readers want conflicts with what we want...which is basically stories about pretty women, boner jokes, and examination of hipster culture. However, please enjoy this picture of a family of foxes which took up residence in East Larryville last year. It made the LJ-World's list of the year's best photos:



Chip: "The Eastsiders sure did love those foxes, but I don't think it occurred to them that foxes are the mortal enemies of 'urban chickens.' "


Q: What changes are in store for the LC in 2009?

Richard: "Well, we certainly intend to devote a lot of time to my preparations for banging a sorostitute in the campus fountain. For instance, I'm currently learning to hold my breath under water for extended periods of time, in case she expects me to 'go diving,' if you catch my meaning. But we also have other things in mind. We intend to do more in-depth, 'field reporting,' in which Chip and myself actually attend numerous hipster shows and art openings, instead of just making fun of them from afar. And we're also working on a new feature in which we analyze not just hipster bands, but their press materials, particularly music reviews from hipster publications like Pitchfork. Here's a quick example, from a review of a Minneapolis band called Gay Beast, slated to play the Replay this weekend:

"Their attack is vicious and weird, processing their robotic fortunes under sheets of electronic duress, but their balance is impeccable." Dusted Magazine

Many of these examples will be funny enough they barely need our commentary. But we'll often comment as well."

Chip: "I don't understand the review. Are they actually robots, or aren't they? Here's another blurb: they "studiously avoid aural polish." They sure do! Even their Myspace hurt my ears [www.myspace.com/gaybeast]. My field reporting for the LC will consist primarily of me going to barn-dances in south Kansas...although I may also attend the Li'l Wayne show in KC this weekend. His rhymes are real fresh."

Richard: "My first excursion is likely to be the Percolator's weekend event called "Campfire: A Storytelling Experiment." I suspect they will actually be having a campfire, surrounded by performance artists."

Chip: "It's really hard to imagine anything less appealing, isn't it? If their fire gets out of hand on a cold and windy winter night, I hope it doesn't spread further than their art gallery, although I suppose there's really not that much along the 9th street block that I enjoy except the Red Lyon."

Monday, January 5, 2009

More Hedgehog News! / Plus, The LC's First Art Blog of 09 / And Some Sad Hipster News

Forget that Gaza Strip business. Sunday's edition of the LJ-World relegated that story below the fold, devoting most of its front page to a powerful profile of Judson King, the 11 year old crusader whose one-man battle for domestic hedgehog rights so impressed the city fathers that it led to a change in local legislation! Our readers may remember Richard's prediction that hedgehog ownership would be the number one story of the new year, and so far he's being proven right (let's hope he's also lucky in his resolution to bang that sorostitute in the fountain!).

The LC hopes to score an interview with Judson in the near future, and we're seriously considering a "Judson for Mayor" campaign. Sure, the idea of an 11 year old hedgehog fan leading the city might seem silly at first, but is it really any sillier than Boog Highberger and his "Dada Day?"

---

At the LC, we strive to keep you informed of the hipster art scene at Wonder Fair and the Percolator, but we rarely turn our attention to the art world at large. But occasionally we wonder, What's cool in New York right now? What kind of art are the urban hipsters digging? Let's find out.

The D C Moore gallery has an exhibition of Alexi Worth's work, such as this piece called "Half in Hand":










The NYTimes says: "...the fingertips read as phallic, and a seed-shaped, dark red hole in the center of the apple as vaginal."

Chip: "I didn't get the vagina thing at first, but now that it's been pointed out to me, yeah, I totally have a boner for that apple."

Artnet.com says that Worth's paintings "teasingly imply the presence of an offstage character: the viewer. In a painting of a hand holding a split apple, for instance, the shadow eclipsing the foreground is the beholders--yours."

Richard: "I'm totally freaked out right now!"

---

Lonely hipster boys across the land received some sad news recently: hipster "It" girl Zooey Deschanel is now engaged to Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard.













Richard: "I'm starting to think I may never even get to kiss her."

Chip: "She's all right, but I'm into Leslie Feist."

Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Triumphant Return of the Boys' Country Corner! / Plus, the First Major Hedgehog News of 09!

The LC was rap-focused during the last part of 09, but the boys' recent travels through America's South and heartland helped them rediscover their passion for good ol' country music, and no song spoke to them more than Alan Jackson's "Country Boy." Let's take a look:

"I'm a country boy, I've got a 4 wheel drive
Pile in my bed, I can take ya for a ride
Up city streets, down country roads
I can get ya where you need to go
Cause I'm a country boy."


Richard: "I don't think I'm wrong in saying that the sexual imagery here rivals that of the best English poets. For instance, here's an oft-quoted line from Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress": "Let us roll all our strength, and all /Our sweetness, up into one ball;/And tear our pleasures with rough strife/Thorough the iron gates of life." It's unecessarily cluttered, don't you think? But Jackson's fusion of driving and sexual imagery culminates in a wonderful boast about his sexual prowess. When he insists that "I can get ya where you need to go" he's bragging not only about his driving skills, but about his ability to bring the woman to orgasm."

Chip: "He's certainly right that country boys are very skillful in the bedroom. I think it's because we grew up watching animals fuck."

---

Faithful readers will recall the LC's recent report on Judson King, the 11 year old whose half-hour presentation on domestic hedgehogs at a City Council meeting convinced the city fathers to rewrite their legislation on the matter. Young King is in the news again: after many years of studying pictures of hedgehogs, he finally received a real live 'hog for Christmas. The touching story was the lead-off piece in yesterday's 6 News at 6 (ahead of stories about various murder trials and a piece about an escaped convict) and you can watch the video for yourself here (please do):

http://www2.ljworld.com/news/2009/jan/02/hedgie-victory-boy-helps-legalize-hedgehogs-lawren/

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Boys Consider the 2008 "Banished Words" List / Plus, the LC Holiday Box Office Report!

Each year, Lake Superior State University offers a list of overused words and phrases that they'd like to see banished from everday use. 2008's list included: "going green," "maverick," "staycation," and "not so much."

Today we offer a list of the most overused words of this blog during 2008:

nubile
boner
bang
sorostitute
Transmittens
Chip


Richard: "Overused, yes, but the LC as we know it simply cannot exist without these words."

Chip: "I never get tired of the word 'boner.' It's just always funny."

---

The holiday season always offers a heady mix of Oscar fare for filmgoers, and 2008 was no different, as audiences were offered David Fincher's eloquent look at time and aging, Ron Howard's take on presidential misbehavior, and Tom Cruise's "I'm a good Nazi" turn in Valkryie. Audiences, however, opted overwhelming for the canine caper Marley and Me. Did the boys enjoy it?

Richard: "On my scale of animal hijinks films, it ranks well above that flick where Friends' Joey plays baseball with a monkey but far behind the pure hilarity of Turner and Hooch."

Chip: "I liked it when the dog tore shit up."