Sunday, May 31, 2009

Opening Day!

Readers, there's no point in talking about much else in Larryville today besides kickball. You know how some people wait all year for opening day of baseball season? They love the crack of the bat, the first juicy bite of a ballpark hotdog, the antics of the beloved team mascot. Well, it's not so different for local hipsters who await the...dull thud of the first kick, the first bland bite of an Eastside veggie burger, the drunken antics of that fucker who runs the bases dressed like Pooh.

It's almost enough to make the boys themselves wish they had a team. But what would such a team look like? Let's imagine the star player:

Richard, AKA "Sugar Dick." He kicks the ball like he makes love to a Quinton's waitress: Hard!

Chip, AKA "The Forttt Scottt Flash." Don't be fooled by his constant crotch-scratching and tobacco chewing: the man has a background in "real" sports, like tennis.

Cl.thier, AKA "The One-Man Soccer Riot." His recent rumble during a KC soccer match got him mentioned by name on Kansas City sports radio. He's not afraid to punch a motherfucking hipster, if need be.

Perhaps the boys will indeed assemble a team next year. But for now, we'll see you at tonight's game of the week at Hobbs Field: Rangelife Records vs. WildMan Vintage. The LC is rooting for Rangelife because their players are more well-known.

Remember that complete schedules can now be found on-line each week at (proving once and for all that kickball is officially hip and far less "sport" than "entertainment"). And don't forget that the league has expanded to some new fields this season, including two at the Fairgrounds, nicknamed "Fairgrounds Wrigley" and "Fairgrounds Fenway."

Dr. X: "This is just...blasphemous!"

And if you're too hip for kickball or your games end early, join Richard at the Replay for the Danny Pound Band. says: "Pound has been reincarnated as the ghost of Gram Parsons--a barn-burning troubadour with a country love affair and a rock-and-roll heart."

Richard: "Myself, I just think of him as a nice guy who works at the Merc."


Dr. X DOES NOT like name theft! said...

"Fairgrounds Wrigley" and "Fairgrounds Fenway"?

--I will burn these fucking field to the mother fucking ground and stamp a massive "C" and "Boston" in the mother fucking embers.

know your audience said...

I knew this would rile you up!

(just as Cl.thier is infuriated by Pitchfork...and Chip gets mad when there's not enough gravy on his chicken-fried steaks!).

A reasonable and cogent response said...


I have been shitty to the Hipster community in the past (though I am their grand elected Supreme being)... and for that I have no apology, but -- you fuck with Wrigley, and you fuck with daddy.

And Daddy. Don't. Get. Fucked. He fucks you. Fucking Hard!!! (Like Jamie Foxx after Halle Berry gave his jingle a jangle at the Spike award. But I digress.)

This shit will not stand.

Kickball my ass. I will bring my Louisville Mutha Fucka Sluuga down to this shit and introduce kick ball to kick yo fucking ass (and balls). Hipster ass will keep my bats warm. And I will wear this shit out on their high stocking fucking feet.

--The fucking name better change, bitches. Chicago don't like gimmick infringement.

Also: fuck!