Saturday, June 13, 2009

Recent Adventures / Plus, Weekend Local Crime Update!

It's a confusing weekend for local hipsters, since both the Replay and the Jackpot have been taken over by a hardcore punk festival whose bands all have Death in their names and whose attendees believe that Grizzly Bear and Dirty Projectors are for pussies.

Therefore, in need of a new venue, Richard found himself last night at Henry's Upstairs for an art opening, surrounded by kickballers, one of whom (a local vicar) suggested that he might be able to play for the inferior Friday night leagues but probably lacked the athletic prowess for Sundays. Suddenly defensive, Richard insisted that he was as capable as the next guy of dressing like Pooh Bear and getting blitzed on PBR on Sunday afternoons, thank you very fucking much.

The indignities continued later when an attractive young woman of 23 told Richard that he looked "fatherly, rich, and smart." He told her that one of those three things might be the truth (hoping that she'd decide he was rich). At any rate, it didn't seem like the kind of promising beginning that would lead to her taking Richard home and screwing him silly. But things looked brighter a few moments later when the woman launched into a drunken tirade about how men her age had "no idea how to use their dicks." At this point, a less stunned Richard would surely have taken this opening to brag about his own majestic cocksmanship and remarkable staying power, but the moment quickly passed as the woman was accosted by one of those young men of which she had spoken. To get him off her case, she launched into an elaborate fantasy which involved telling the young drunk guy that Richard friend's Brian (who cut an imposing figure with his bald head and inscrutable expression) was her uncle, a figure with ties to the local mafia who owned half of Lawrence. Richard, intrigued, believed that this roleplay would undoubtedly transition into the woman and her equally atttractive friends taking Richard and Brian home for an evening that involved sailor costumes and "safe words." But instead the women opted to leave Henry's and head for Wilde's Chateau to hang out with their "many gay friends." Richard went home alone, perhaps looking fatherly and rich but not feeling particularly smart.


If it's the weekend, readers, you can bet there are a number of back-alley muggings and knife fights going on. Two KU students and a Jimmy John's delivery driver were robbed late last night along the student ghetto of Ohio Street.

Such events always lead the LJ-World talkbackers into a frenzy. Lawrenceguy40, the resident conservative, blames the event squarely on President Obama.

"Tell people the government will give them all they need and when they don't get it this will be the result. Expect more of this as Barry O promises more freebies and cannot deliver."

Chip: "I hate to be the one to say it, but he's 100% right."


Mindi said...

I'm now nostalgic for Ohio Street. It wasn't a ghetto when I lived there, or at least not on my block.

I've met my share of sports fans this past week. A republican from Alabama who appears to be a Loyalist Rangers fan. A drunk guy watching football who asked me to marry him. Ten drunk guys on the train who had been in Galway to do something related to sports perhaps, but spent most of the time just drinking.

Richard, you should bring your rich, smart, fatherly self over here and see what kind of action you can get. I propose an exchange program with other bloggers, or a conference to discuss the intricacies of hipsterism on an international level. I'll leave it to you brilliant gentlemen to work out the details.

nog said...

Wow, a post all the way from Ireland! Hi, Mindi!

You wouldn't want to live on Ohio Street these days (unless you were part of a gang!).

I'm completely in favor of an international conference on hipsterism...but I think it should be held at the Replay!

Have fun!