Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The LJ-World's Animal Story of the Week / Plus, Another Installment of "The Changing Face of Downtown Larryville"

Primarily, we write for an audience of one these days: Cl.thier (who enjoys stories about Jenny Lewis and Richard's wacky adventures on the town).

But rumor has it that a few of you other sons-a-bitches read quietly and enjoy reports about animals, so let's turn our attention today to the LJ-World's always-fascinating Opinion page. Now that Larryville progressives have secured important rights for urban chickens and domestic hedgehogs, they are needing a new issue to rally behind. How about...bears?

Charles Wyttenbach's piece called "Shared Blame" begins with this intriguing sentence:

"As I read the article entitled 'As bear population rises, so do run-ins with people,' it became evident that not just the title but the story was slanted to place all blame on the bears."

Chip: "Oh, this is just like a local liberal to always take the bears' side. If a bear were to break into my apartment and rob me--which I expect will soon happen, given the recent rise in crime here--these liberals would say it's my fault that I didn't have a bear trap. Well, guess what, liberals: I do have a bear trap!"


Not to be outdone by the TapRoom's lovely new wrap-around patio next door, the Sandbar has opened their own snug little smoking porch. Sure, it only contains one LandShark-beer table shaped like a surfboard, but that's plenty of room for three sorostitutes to sit and slowly lick the salty rims of their margaritas while the hipsters next door give them sidelong glances, peering into a world they've never known...and never will.


an audience of one! said...

I always wonder if newcomers to Lawrence walk around downtown and think, "Wow, how quaint and charming and...what's up with all of the super tiny 'patios'?!"

The silent majority said...

I've known a hipster or two to wander into the sandbar under cover of ironic detachment. Of course, when the sorostitutes get up on the bar and dance in their short skirts and boots, the hipsters seem a little less detached.

one of those very hipsters said...

Yes, it's true. And now the City Commission has passed an ordinance allowing the Sandbar to host a street dance outside on 8th Street for a special 20th anniversary celebration in August. Get ready Taproom-patio hipsters! The sorostitutes are taking it to the streets!

Dr. X's ennui said...

See, I have been busy cranking shit out for the past few days, not to mention playing the new Ghostbuster video game and drinking extremely heavily... so, I'm a bit out of the loop! I read, but I generally refuse to write on any story that continues to involve the words:

Chip anally exploring his own being.

I find the terms, ironically enough, played out... and long for new hip buzzwords.

--Plus, I found this awesome hipster site that has pictures and hipster noises!

the editorial board said...

Yes, you're the very sons-a-bitches we occasionally include animal stories to please! But we prefer pictures of Jenny Lewis to fluffy kitties here. Sorry. May we recommend "I Can Has Cheezburger."

(the LC cannot function without hipsters and sorostitutes, as they are our bread and butter, or should I say our PBR...and butter).