Saturday, June 27, 2009

LJ-World Animal Story of the Week / Plus, Recent Adventures!

If it's Larryville, you can bet that someone is writing animal-related editorials at any given time. Here's an excerpt from one:

Jackie B writes:

"This morning, one of your workers pruned the maple tree in front of 805 New Hampshire. He blatantly ignored the fact that there was an actively occupied bird's nest in the branch he chose to cut off and discard. This is a reminder that this is in violation of the Migratory Bird Treaty Act (noted below), for which we believe the City of Lawrence and its employees should be held accountable."

Chip: "In Forttt Scottt, we'd have said, 'Ah well, he was just doing his job,' and let it pass. In Larryville, this guy is going to jail, at best, if he's lucky enough to escape a public stoning by angry liberals."


With so much of this week devoted to nostalgia (return appearances by "Babes We'd Bone" and "Country Corner"), there hasn't been a lot of time for updates concerning the boys' real-life adventures. Chip, presumably, is at the Country Stampede in Manhattan right now, trying to impress the ladies with his goat-roaping techniques, but Richard has been making his usual rounds in Larryville this week, mingling with the locals at the Mexican Fiesta (where people stand in line in sweltering heat on the concrete for as much as an hour to eat a taco in order to be "part of the community") and at the Felt-A-Palooza talent show (where Larryville's Felt Show puppet-writers STILL haven't learned how to write a single funny joke for their amazingly-designed puppets).

But one of the most memorable moments of the week was when Richard, ordering a beer at the Replay, was approached by one of the rednecks who sometimes sneak into the place during the early Sunday shows before the hipsters arrive. He insisted on telling Richard a joke, which went as follows:

"A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm gonna fuck the hottest girl in the bar tonight.' The bartender, skeptical, says, 'And how can you be certain that's going to happen?' To which the man says, "Easy. I'm a serial rapist.'"

Our feminist readers: "Oh my God! Did you blow your rape whistle?"

Richard: "I didn't have it with me. But I told him that (a) we tended not to go in for that kind of humor at the Replay unless it was presented with some sort of obviously satirical purpose and (b) his joke still paled in comparison to one of the most outrageously offensive jokes I've ever heard, which was also told to me at the Replay and resulted in about thirty-seconds of silence from the listeners before someone said: "I'm going to be telling that joke for the rest of my life."

Chip: "Can you tell me that joke?"

Richard: "No, or else we'd lose at least half of our 26-person readership. But it began with this question: 'How can you tell if the girl you're with is too young for you?'"

Readers, we'll leave you to fill in your own punchlines.


X needs to find more voters! said...

I was really hoping it would have been something I would have once said.

--But few things touch the soul as much as "I figured you'd be knee deep in Sam by now!" Classic Cloth!

nog said...

Yeah, I understand that many of the Lupus fans are X's minions, but who in hell are the eight people who want more art stories!?

(luckily, more art stories are coming!).