Opening Day!

Readers, there's no point in talking about much else in Larryville today besides kickball. You know how some people wait all year for opening day of baseball season? They love the crack of the bat, the first juicy bite of a ballpark hotdog, the antics of the beloved team mascot. Well, it's not so different for local hipsters who await the...dull thud of the first kick, the first bland bite of an Eastside veggie burger, the drunken antics of that fucker who runs the bases dressed like Pooh.

It's almost enough to make the boys themselves wish they had a team. But what would such a team look like? Let's imagine the star player:

Richard, AKA "Sugar Dick." He kicks the ball like he makes love to a Quinton's waitress: Hard!

Chip, AKA "The Forttt Scottt Flash." Don't be fooled by his constant crotch-scratching and tobacco chewing: the man has a background in "real" sports, like tennis.

Cl.thier, AKA "The One-Man Soccer Riot." His recent rumble during a KC soccer match got him mentioned by name on Kansas City sports radio. He's not afraid to punch a motherfucking hipster, if need be.

Perhaps the boys will indeed assemble a team next year. But for now, we'll see you at tonight's game of the week at Hobbs Field: Rangelife Records vs. WildMan Vintage. The LC is rooting for Rangelife because their players are more well-known.

Remember that complete schedules can now be found on-line each week at Lawrence.com (proving once and for all that kickball is officially hip and far less "sport" than "entertainment"). And don't forget that the league has expanded to some new fields this season, including two at the Fairgrounds, nicknamed "Fairgrounds Wrigley" and "Fairgrounds Fenway."

Dr. X: "This is just...blasphemous!"

And if you're too hip for kickball or your games end early, join Richard at the Replay for the Danny Pound Band. Lawrence.com says: "Pound has been reincarnated as the ghost of Gram Parsons--a barn-burning troubadour with a country love affair and a rock-and-roll heart."

Richard: "Myself, I just think of him as a nice guy who works at the Merc."

Lucha Libre! / Also, What To Do Today If You're NOT Hip! Plus, KU Gets a New Chancellor

The true influence of hipster radio was felt last night when the hosts of "Retro Cocktail Hour" convinced several hundred cheering hipsters to fill Liberty Hall for a double-feature of "lucha libre" films starring Mexico's greatest wrestling hero, El Santo! Now it's almost certain that most in attendance had zero knowledge of the genre beforehand and were simply there because the event was well-promoted and had a certain amount of hipster cache associated with it. But was it entertaining?

Richard: "I saw the luchador El Santo defeat a Frankenstein, a wolf man, a vampire, a vampire woman, a mummy, a Cyclops, a horde of undead, his friend Blue Demon, a mad scientist, and a midget (including a scene where they were all in the same wrestling ring!). Also, he keeps his mask on even when he's making out with the ladies! Sure, the evening was a shining example of hipsterism, but it was also far more entertaining than Terminator 4 or Angels and Demons."

---

We spend a lot of time here trying to help our readers get hip, but we rarely cater to the crowd who likes to have fun but simply doesn't care for interesting music, books, or films and who want to live an average "mainstream" American life. Where should those people go on a Saturday?

How about Rockfest in KC? It's happening today, it's perpetually sold out, and it's billed as the "largest one-day rock festival in the nation," featuring such acts as Shinedown, Buckcherry, and Korn.

Richard: "I don't know if it's really the 'largest one-day rock festival' but it's certainly one of the largest collections of truly bad bands ever assembled in one place. Even so, there will be a lot of very slutty, very sweaty, tattoed women there looking to get laid after hearing Buckcherry's 'Crazy Bitch' ('Hey! You're a crazy bitch / But you fuck so good I'm on top of it / When I dream /I'm doing you all night'). So I guess it's not all bad."

Chip: "A lot of my friends from Forttt Scottt are going to this."

---

KU has a new chancellor as of yesterday: North Carolina's Bernadette Gray-Little, the first African-American and first woman to hold the position here. Today's LJ-World helps us understand the situation in the only way we know how at KU: by comparing it to athletics.

"The arrival of a new chancellor is similar to a new football or basketball coach taking over a team and requiring every player on the squad to justify his position as starter." (LJ-World)

Chip: "First off, I think we know that the arrival of a new chancellor here is less important than the arrival of a new basketball or football coach. Second, why didn't we just hire Lew Perkins as chancellor? Third, do we really want to bring in a North Carolinian? What if her loyalties really lie with the traitor, Roy Williams?"

Your Weekend Hipster Itinerary!

Being hip comes natural for the boys, but some of our readers may need a bit of guidance to make the most of the Larryville scene. Therefore, each weekend we offer a list of the hippest events for you to consider.

Start your Friday night with a trip to the "lucha libre" double-feature tonight at Liberty Hall to see the great Mexican wrestler/superhero El Santo fight monsters and she-wolves. It's sponsored by Kansas Public Radio's "retro cocktail hour," which serves up "lounge, exotica, and bachelor pad music" for hipsters who prefer martinis and kitschy films to PBR and indie bands.

Afterwards, steer clear of the Haulin' Oats and Flight of the Dodos show at the Bottleneck (where local bands cover Hall and Oates and Flight of the Conchords). The fact that the show has moved from the Replay to the Bottleneck means that it has gone mainstream and might well cost you as much as five dollars, which no self-respecting hipster will pay to see local bands. Instead, consider Cl.thier's monthly Yacht Club gig. Just ask him to play his hippest song--and to please substitute DBT (Drive by Truckers) for DMB (Dave Matthews Band), unless of course there are dancing sorostitutes willing to toss their panties onstage at the first notes of "What Would You Say."

As for Saturday, don't think for a minute that kickball is the only ridiculous 'sport' beginning its season this weekend. The KC Roller Warriors (women's roller derby) kick off their season with a program titled "House of 1000 Stalkers," featuring all the usual shenanigans and afterparties that one has come to expect. Here's a photo:











Actually, that's Raquel Welch from the film Kansas City Bomber.

Here's an actual picture of a KC Roller Warrior from their website. Her name is "Stiletto Snake":
















Chip: "I don't know if I'm scared or aroused. Scared, I think."

Richard Meets the Local Counter-Culture / Plus, Kickball Coverage Begins in Full Force!

Larryville's most upscale downtown dining establishment, Pachamama's, can usually be counted on to be blessedly free of hippies. But on this past Tuesday their new banquet facilities resembled the campgrounds at the Wakarusa Fest: tie-dyes, dreadlocks, everyone smelling like wet dogs and sprawled out on the floor, waiting for a "happening" to begin. Several large TV screens broadcast images that seemed to belong in a Pink Floyd laser show while a DJ offered some "tribal beats." In the front of the room, a chick (which is still an okay word in the hippie lexicon, dear feminist readers) offered "energy massages," which seemed to involve no actual physical contact: she just waved her hands above the participant ("the victim"--Chip) until they felt better, or believed they did. At the bar (yes, there was a bar, largely empty, as this crowd was prone to other, more natural, forms of mind-altering substances), Richard encountered a young man named Dakota who insisted on explaining his full itinerary of summer hippie-festival tour stops to Richard, perhaps in case Richard wanted to catch up with him on some part of the journey ("We're writing a book about it," said Dakota, gesturing to a friend, who seemed to be hearing about this future authorial endeavor for the first time).

Soon enough, the event proper got underway: a speech by noted counterculture icon Daniel Pinchbeck, whose past work "Breaking Open the Head" relates his experiences with various hallucinogens and whose new work, "2012," posits that the end of the Mayan calendar signals not the apocalypse that many EastSiders believe in but rather the beginning of a new era of human consciousness. "How many of you here believe that the physical and the psychic-al are coming more and more into synchronicity?" he asked the crowd at one point, which led to many raised hands. "How many don't believe this?" No hands were raised (Chip: "If I'd been there you'd have seen one proud raised hand."). The audience was absolutely rapt throughout Pinchbeck's lecture, which ranged from the story of the time he communed with a benevolent tree god during one of his "trips" to a friend of his who met three friendly glowing orbs during one of her own "trips," which followed her home and lived with her for awhile. At one point Pinchbeck veered into politics, offering an opinion that one hears very rarely among the polite Larryville progressives who make up most of the citizenry. "Obama," Pinchbeck said, "is just another bullshit puppet." Cheers from the crowd, who settled down to listen as Pinchbeck explained how the new era of human consciousness might not require a government at all. (Chip: "But who'd tell us what to do? A benevolent tree god?"). After the lecture, Richard encountered a former student who told him she was following Pinchbeck around on his summer book tour ("We're going to Glastonbury!"), and encouraged him to stick around for a band later ("They've never played before, but I think they sound like Tool.") Richard said he might return later. But he didn't return.

---

If you've so much as stepped foot in downtown Larryville recently, you know (whether you want to know or not), that the official summer kickball season begins this Sunday night. Yes, the first kickball-related story is up on Lawrence.com and important kickball fashion attire has appeared in the window display at Wild Man Vintage (pictured below...notice the crumpled PBR can, a nice touch). As always, Richard supports the Eastsiders team--which contains a nice mix of punks, preachers, and painters, several of whom read this blog--but he also has a soft spot for the Replay team as well, perhaps because he spends so much time there or perhaps because a certain leggy Replay player often wanders into the bar after her games wearing the kind of socks pictured below, leading Richard into sexy kickball-related fantasies in which she is wearing ONLY those socks.

The Harry Lupus Finale Continues!

Dr. X's season finale of Harry Lupus has turned into a summer-long project (presented today in five clickable installments for your reading pleasure). What began as a simple (yet powerful) tale of male adolescent werewolfery and boner jokes has evolved into a complex metanarrative (mostly involving boats and still with plenty of boner jokes) that I think we can all agree is far more enjoyable than Charlie Kaufman's Synechdoche, New York (which many of you hipsters are just now discovering because you won't watch anything until it reaches the bargain section of Liberty Hall Video). Marvel at how Dr. X draws on recent LC posts about Twin Peaks and Grizzly Bear. We think you'll agree that the tale works as a rousing adventure in its own right as well as a startling look into the mind of Dr. X. Also, there are pictures of breasts (which will likely earn us a scolding from our readers who don't like to see titties here) and of cute little bunny rabbits (which makes all the other offensiveness perfectly acceptable).

Now start clicking!

Grizzly Bear, Hipster Trends, and Baseball Update! / Plus, the LC's Conspiracy-Theorist Pick of the Week!

Hipsters, your day has come! Grizzly Bear's Veckatimest is on the shelves and no doubt spinning on your turntable as we speak. But what's important is not what you think of it, but what Pitchfork thinks of it (In fact, one recent music blogger spent a lengthy post predicting Pitchfork's rating using a complicated mathematical system devised from their ratings of other recent important hipster albums by bands such as Animal Collective).

So what does Pitchfork think? They give it a 9 out of 10 and spend most of the review praising its "meticulous" sound, writing:

"...this little microcosm of imperfection indie rock's been working through lately could use a foil like Veckatimest, a record that, in searching for perfection through meticulousness, feels beautifully flawed and gloriously off-kilter without either side serving as the entire narrative."

Chip: "I'm glad you told me that Pitchfork liked it, because I sure can't tell from that review."

---

When a band decides to play one of their "important" albums from start to finish during their live shows, hipsters always take notice. The Decemberists are doing it with their new concept album, The Hazards of Love. Sonic Youth did it recently with Daydream Nation. And this past Friday, They Might Be Giants (nerd-hipsters) came to the Beaumont in KC to play their masterpiece, Flood, in its entirety.

KC music blog Back to Rockville discusses the band's "cult" status, writing:

"The crowd at the Beaumont Club on Friday didn't necessarily constitute a cult, unless you think there's something aberrant about adults who act as uninhibited as 5-year-olds watching cartoons on Saturday morning."

Chip: "I do think it's aberrant. Completely and totally aberrant."

Richard: "The problem I have with Flood is that everytime I hear "Birdhouse in Your Soul" or "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" it gets lodged in my head for fucking weeks!"

---

After their embarrassing three consecutive losses in last week's Big 12 tournament, you might have thought ("and hoped"--Chip) you'd seen the last of KU baseball for the year. Wrong. The team got a 3 seed in the NCAA Tournament, where they'll take on Coastal Carolina on Friday.

Cl.thier: "If they win, I'll be doing a special medley of baseball-related songs during my set this Friday, just to piss Chip off."

---

If you live on the Eastside, there's a good chance you believe in various conspiracy theories and urban legends (mostly involving Sasquatches and chupacabras), and one of your favorite authors is likely Daniel Pinchbeck, who has extolled the pleasures of magic mushrooms and other psychotropic substances in Breaking Open the Head and whose new work 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoati, is described as an "extravagant thought experiment" centering around the Mayan prophecy that 2012 will bring about the end of the world as we know it, "the conclusion of a vast evolutionary cycle, and the potential gateway to a higher level of manifestation." (Amazon).

Pinchbeck will speak tonight in Larryville, but oddly enough the speech is not occurring at the Solidarity Radical Library or in the community garden on the Eastside. No, it's at Pachamama's, and Pinchbeck is sure to freak out the rich folks!

Here's the scoop from Lawrence.com:

"To be held in the Alton room. Also energy massages and readings. Yoga beforehand at 5:30p.m."

Richard: "There's simply no way I can miss this!"

Chip: "I'll stick with my Left Behind books when I need a dose of apocalyptic hysteria, thank you very much."

Look Who's Twittering / Plus, Cougar Update!

Happy Memorial Day, readers! Enjoy your outdoor fun (nothing like a lukewarm PBR on the lake!) but make sure to heed this warning from the LJ-World on-line: "...wait at least 30 minutes after the last rumble of thunder before resuming outdoor activities."

Let's briefly check in with a few local Twitterers. First up is Wonder Fair Art Gallery:

"Feeding Wonder Fair's new pet goldfish some oatmeal."

Follow the gallery at: www.twitter.com/wonderfair

And then there's frequent Wonder Fair contributors Asteroid Head Art Club, who are currently planning a "summer camp," ensuring that Larryville will continue producing important young artists. Here's one of their recent posts:

"I karate-chopped the moon today then went out for icecream."

Follow the Club at: www.twitter.com/AsteroidHeadArt



















---

We neglected your "Cougar" update last week, readers, so let's catch up. We're now down to three cubs and a clear frontrunner has finally emerged. His name is Jimmy and the cougar says that the reason he's her top choice is that she "can't stop dreaming about his body." Yes, it seems that what you think you know about cougars is true: sexual attraction is first and foremost and perhaps the only essential requirement in their choice of cubs.

Richard: "So shallow. As a bobcat, the first thing I want to know about a Quinton's waitress is whether or not she can discuss contemporary literature. Then and only then do I make sure she has an ass that won't quit."

Chip: "I'm going to be honest here. My eyes go straight to the titties."

Grizzly Bear's New Album Coverage Begins!

Just because you sumbitches never respond on weekends doesn't mean we're quite ready to abandon our important weekend hipster coverage. Today's topic: Grizzly Bear.

If you're a hipster, you'll surely be in line at your local independent record dealer on Tuesday to buy a copy of Grizzly Bear's new album, Veckatimest, probably on vinyl. Let's take a look at some advance reviews.

Newsweek calls the album a "must-listen new album of experimental folk suites."

Chip: "The use of 'suites' is meant to equate the work with classical music, thereby convincing us of Grizzly Bear's 'importance.' But it doesn't work for me, since I think classical music is even more terrible than folk music."

The New Yorker's Sasha Frere-Jones writes: "Like Sonic Youth’s “Sister” and Radiohead’s “Amnesiac,” “Veckatimest” captures a band in full, collaborative density."

Richard: "Only the most pompous of hipsters prefer those albums. The rest of us know that Sonic Youth's 'Daydream Nation' and Radiohead's 'OK Computer' represent those bands at their peak."

Jones goes on to call Veckatimist's first single, "Two Weeks," "a big fat ice-cream cone of a song.

Chip: "Now that does sound delicious, I have to admit."

But what really matters, of course, is Pitchfork, and although they've yet to review the album as a whole, their track review section gives a rare 10/10 to the song "While You Wait for the Others, calling it "a premium hybrid of verse-chorus linearity and...arms-up, loosely bundled drum tumbles and starburst harmonies...".

Chip: "Just because it's got the verses and choruses in the right order doesn't necessarily mean it's great."

You can hear the song here:

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/11183-while-you-wait-for-the-others/

See you at Love Garden on Tuesday!

---

Despite it's best ever seed (fifth) in the Big 12 Tournament, KU baseball emerged winless, dropping three games in a row. Does this mean they've actually sucked all along? Third baseman Tony Thompson still insists that the team "can play with any team in the country, and this weekend's not going to make that any different." (LJ-World).

Chip: "Sure, they can play with any team in the country. They just can't win, which is really the most important part."

The Great Larryville Snake Hunt Continues! (Day Three) / Plus, Is It Art, or Isn't It? (Campus Edition)

In a story practically crying out for religious interpretation (serpents have invaded the Garden of Eden that is Larryville), officials and citizen recruits are continuing their search for a number of "South American bushmaster vipers" that were (possibly) dumped near Haskell University. Haskell biologist Chuck Haines, in today's LJ-World, explains that it's a fairly common occurrence for people in Larryville to keep venomous snakes in their home (illegally) but dump them near Haskell when they move out of town.

Richard: "The obvious way to prevent this kind of occurrence is to pass legislation allowing for domestic venomous snake ownership and, taking inspiration from young Judson King and his hedgehog presentation, I plan to take this issue before the city fathers at the next meeting."


---

Just when you thought the recent wave of tree-related local art was over, along comes internationally known artist Patrick Dougherty to turn an elm tree near Spooner Hall into a piece of art known as "The Bedazzler" (which involves arranging 6000 pounds of sticks around the tree to create something akin to a "giant bird's nest," according to the artist). The work-in-progress is pictured below and, as you can see, it's already attracting an audience (click to enlarge). But is it art, or isn't it?

Chip: "Not art. He's simply ruined a perfectly lovely tree."

Richard: "Art. Or more precisely: nature transformed into art. While we might otherwise pass by this tree without giving it a second thought, Dougherty draws our attention back to the landscape. Allow me to quote Wallace Stevens here: 'I placed a jar in Tennessee /And round it was upon a hill./ It made the slovenly wilderness / surround that hill.'"

But what do the LJ-World talkbackers think. Here's a good example:

"Lawrence, Kansas (Berkley of the Midwest) does not understand the value of the Arts. If you can't eat it, drink it or smoke it, what good is it? Stan Herd is tolerated because he uses a tractor, so he is sort of mowing. Mowing is understood in Lawrence."

"Snakes on the Plains": Another LJ-World Creature-Feature! / Plus, What to Do Tonight!

From domestic hedgehogs to urban chickens to that wacky cat that hitched a ride to California in a neighbor's moving van, the LJ-World loves stories about critters--and we love to read them! Today brings us another front-page feature which first broke as a story titled "Snakes on the Plains" last night on Channel 6 News at Six. Apparently someone was spotted dumping a number of poisonous snakes near Haskell Campus (which were first reported as "South African vipers" but now downgraded to "South American vipers). Campus officials took immediate action by posting (grammatically confusing) signs all over that read: "Reports of venomous snakes have been spotted in the area." Beware of the reports, readers! (and possibly the snakes as well).

Chip: "I suppose we really shouldn't be making fun of the grammar here. After all, the signs were probably posted by a drunken Indian."

---

If you want a perfectly artsy and hipster-iffic night on the town, readers, let us suggest the following itinerary for this evening:

Begin your night at the Percolator, where an exhibition of fiber and textile art called "Crosshatch" has its opening. Sure, it sounds dull as fuck, but "music, refreshments, the famous 'Make It' table, and dandelions await you" (Lawrence.com).

From there, it's just a few steps over to the Lawrence Arts Center, which is hosting a series of new works by local composers, including one from Ric Averill's new rock-opera about Edgar Allen Poe.

And end your evening, of course, across the way at the Replay's charity prom, where you'll find local hipsters ignoring the prom entirely and discussing next week's long-awaited release of Grizzly Bear's new album "Veckatimest." Expect full coverage of the album release next week.

Recent Adventures! / Good News For Lawrence.com Deadwood Lovers!/ Plus, a Replay Prom? / And Dr. X Weighs in on the American Idol Finale!

Strictly for research purposes, of course, Richard boarded a car full of Larryville farmers, environmentalists, and parsons for a trip to see prominent food activist Michael Pollan (of Omnivore's Dilemma fame) speak at the Unity Temple on the Plaza in KC. Indeed, the church was an appropriate venue, for we were there to absorb the wisdom of our guru and spread his good word, along with 1200 other forward-thinking citizens. "You're a modern shaman," shouted an audience member at one point, imploring Pollan to make his next book a tome on "consciousness-altering" plants. Pollan spent most of an hour telling us that we were fat and gullible and offered practical wisdom such as: "It's best to avoid any product you've seen advertised on television."

Chip: "When I read Pollan, I think to myself, yes, sure, this makes sense. But I still end up ordering the chicken-fried steak."

But don't think that all of Richard's time is spent in such high-minded educational pursuits. On a recent Quinton's evening, the following things were seen and heard:

--Three sorostitutes wearing identical T-shirts with the Icelandic flag on them, talking loudly about doing shots in the shower (together?).

--A waitress wearing a "Where the Wild Things Are" T-shirt complete with an illustration of the beloved children's classic. Richard believed her to be a true fan of Sendak, perhaps eagerly awaiting Spike Jonze's upcoming big-screen version of the book. Chip believed her to be largely unaware of the source material and that the "wild things" were "a reference to her titties."

--local oddball Guitar Mike, most often seen on the streets or the Replay patio, talking to a group of frat boys on the deck (drug deal?).

---

For those of you reeling from the loss of the Lawrence.com Deadwood edition, some comfort can be found in the fact that much of the material is being absorbed into the LJ-World's Thursday "Pulse" section. And this includes the "Style Scout" (now retitled "What You're Wearing...").

Truly it's great to be able to hear Q&A's such as this again:

"How would you describe your style?"
"Sophisticated big-game hunter haute couture (aka haute Countach)."

Also returning is the popular "Townie Guide To ________." This week's topic is Memorial Day and Jennifer Arin ("part-time barista...full-time crimefighter") explains which beer is best for the holiday:

"Pabst Blue Ribbon. Dude, the colors on the can are red, white, and blue."

---

Most local hipsters almost certainly did NOT attend their own proms (or attended in such a state of ironic distance that they might as well have not attended). But this week brings them another chance: The Replay is presenting an "Enchantment Under The Seas" charity prom benefiting Women's Transitional Services.

Richard: "Somehow, this seems appropriate. The prom, with its suggestions of true love, primarily exists so that young people can get laid afterwards. The same is true for the Replay. Not for nothing did it earn its nickname of 'the pre-lay."


---

The boys are too hip for American Idol, but luckily our friend Dr. X is here to address the mainstream today with a lengthy guest-column exploring boring Kris Allen's "surprise" victory over unpredictable gay frontrunner Adam Lambert.

"Frankly, I could give two shits twice about whether Glambert fucks men or produce (because he's so very 'edgy' and shit -- he could make a veggisexualism popular, ya see). *sigh* Kids and women who shameless crave for gay men, who, very politely remind them that they have zero interest in them sexually, are professedly stupid.

There. I said it. It needed to be said.

And why? Because I'm sick of listening to idiot comments saying that the Kris Allen is too milquetoast or that Glambert was robbed. No. Listen fucktwats: Glambert CAN sing. He merely chose not to week after week. He has great range... and a screech that he slaps onto every song that makes me cringe because the fucker does have talent... but he insists on ruining it with his screech.

Likewise, guess what ya genius bitches. See, when I use bitches -- it's both cool and derogatory. When others use bitches, you sound like a bunch of punk as bitches... lapping up my nipple sweat, lookin for a ride. Fuckin hit the bricks, ya unwashed hobos. Back to the score: Guess what genius bitches: the AI -- it's on fucking FOX. You know, the same fucking FOX that is run by a corporate CONSERVATIVE media wonk. How does it surprise you that the fanbase who watches AI... you know, families and shit, would vote for the clean cut kid who sings with consistency?

Fucktards. Word. Even MORE so... uh, the judges were in the bag for Boyliner EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK. Even the lowest common denominator who would watch AI weekly doesn't like to be told to like something... And they took the Glambert and told him to hit the bricks, shitty.

Now, the irony here is that Dr. Fuckin X really oughta pull for the Glambert.. because if someone would just beat the fucking snot out of him until he stopped screeching -- he'd be the bomb fucking yo-yo. Problematically, when you take a song like U2s "one" and remove the sincerity from the message and make it all about Adam Fucking Lambert -- you miss the golly-god damn point.

Whem you try and pass off the Jeff Buckley version of "Ring of Fire" as your own invention, same with Gary Jules' version of "Mad World": your a bitches, bitches. Kid's got mad skills... and too-tight pants. I once recognized him as a bad attempt at trying to be a cross of Freddie Mercury (irony: they bring in Queen to play with him) and the lead singer of The Darkness... but I have now come to realize that he's just the reincarnation of the would-be career of the leas singer of mutha fucking Steelheart.

What -- you music bitches don't remember Steelheart's classic 80's power ballad "I'll Never Let You Go"? Look it up, shitstocks. It's Adam Fucking Lambert's playbook.

Now. Enough. Your bitches lost, megabitches. The Conway boy's mad-following of 10 year olds and religious junkies network was stronger than the lazy-ass network of the princessy-pop stylings of the Lambert fan. So, YOU bitches blew it. Not the Glambert. Not the transition Gokey network which likely gave Allen the 2 to 1 number he needed to WHIP THAT BOY'S ASS... YOU blew it.

Y'all bitched up like a buncha jaded, dateless wonders... lusting after a chubby-thighed boy who has about as much use for you as I have for a fucking pink tutu and a ridding crop salad.

So shutcha cake holes, and go cry off your frustrations in therapy. Bitches.

And to the anonymous fuckah that has my back: that's lovely... but Dr. Fucking X fights his own gimmick infringement -- get to the back of the line to stroke his junk with the rest of America.

--The Bitches Bitch has just fucking way-laid you with his awesome throbbing cock of power and destiny. Sword-fucker!

The Boys Consider the First Week Without Lawrence.com's Deadwood Edition/Also: American Idol / Plus,Harry Lupus Finale: The Official Poster Appears!

Readers, you've no doubt noticed many vacant Lawrence.com boxes as you stroll along Mass. Street this week (perhaps they'll be put to use as...birdfeeders or something). It makes us wonder: how are hipsters coping with the loss of their beloved magazine? Let's take a look at the on-line talkback from Lawrence.com:

Meganstuke, along with another local hipster lady, lodges this complaint: "What will I read while I hover over the toilet at the Replay?"

MjA writes: "The Deadwood was something to look at while you wait for someone to drink with. Now what do we have? The Pitch? No thanks. I'd rather watch people watch their laptops."

kellycorcoran, well-known Love Garden personality, offers a more complex look at the issue that uses the word "hyperlocal" a lot: "I viewed the paper version as the flagpole of local relevancy in an internet sea of hyperlink cultural irrelevancies. Thumbs down to the World Co. for not understanding that "hyperlocal" medium requires a regular public reminder of its existence to remain relevant in the "hyperlocal" marketplace."

trailer steps in with a rare dissenting position: "i'm glad i'll never see the deadwood edition delivered to me again. most of the stuff is so simple and predictable. we GET there are a lot of people in lawrence whose favorite place is the replay and favorite tv show is spaced...enough already."

Richard: " 'trailer' sounds very much like Chip!"

---

Like all boring Americans, the boys anxiously await tonight's American Idol finale, but who do they favor, Kris or Adam? The critical consensus on Kris Allen is that he's "nice, engaging, safe, and non-threatening" (LJ-World), while Adam Lambert is (presumably) dangerous, unpredictable, and gay, very very gay.

Chip: "In Forttt Scottt, our church prayed for Kris's victory."

Richard: "Myself, I'll be watching 'The Cougar.' Here's tonight's synopsis from the official Cougar site: "Stacey meets the families of the cubs.' Enjoy the video 'sneak peek' of this 'controversial' episode in the sidebar."

Chip: "As far as I know, in the history of cougar-fucking, no cub has ever taken the woman home to meet his parents, primarily out of fear that she'd abandon the cub for his father."

---

With Dr. X so focused on the Idol finale, the long-awaited Harry Lupus season finale keeps getting delayed. Luckily, Dr. X has sent in this intriguing poster which provides a frightening glimpse of what may be in store for us later this summer! (click to enlarge, if you dare!).

Three Things to Do This Week!

1) If you live in East Lawrence, you very likely have a dog-eared copy of Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma in your back pocket right now as you tend your beets in the community garden. And you likely chant his mantra from In Defense of Food ("Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.") as you shuffle through the Merc looking for some organic avocadoes. Yes, Pollan's work has become indispensable to environmentally-minded citizens ("I call them hippies" --Chip) across the land, and his speech tomorrow at Unity Church in KC will no doubt lead most of Larryville's East Side to load up their hybrid cars and head over to ask him his thoughts on morel hunting.

2) Paul Blart: Mall Cop, the highest grossing comedy of the year, arrives on DVD today. We reported extensively on its surprise popularity at the time, so there's no need for in-depth treatment again. Instead, a simple reminder: It's still funny to see that fat man on a Segway!

3) But both of those picks are far too mainstream for the hipsters. Where should the hipsters go? It's a no-brainer. On Thursday, the TapRoom offers another installment of their "Twin Peaks Project," in which local musicians gather to perform pieces from the legendary cult series.

Richard: "Wow, Bob, wow!"

Chip: "I suspect that's a reference to the show, which I did not see. What was I watching in 90-91? I was watching what normal people were watching: America's Funniest Home Videos."

---

In the second installment of this summer photography series, we take a look at the new mural along the south wall of the Replay patio.
















Richard: "Kansas' best bar just got better! But why are there old people in the bar? Old people are inherently unhip...except for that ancient lesbian couple who attend the patio shows. They're cool."

Chip: "I hope they used PBR-resistant paint, because this 'art' will soon be coated with that swill."

The Boys Consider "Art-Sports" / Plus, KU Baseball Hits the "Big Time" / And a New Edition of Look Who's Twittering Now!

Yesterday's New York Times alerted the boys to an alarming new trend: the rise of new "sports" which combine performance art elements with competition. "Circle rules football" for instance, is described as "a freeform sport" that is "30 percent soccer, 20 percent rugby, the rest pure Dada," created by a NY actor as part of an experimental theater project but now having spread to at least eight cities around the world.

Other "art-sports" discussed in the piece include “1 v 1,” an alternate-universe form of one-on-one basketball involving a paddle-wheel and ice tongs" and "bag tag, a relay where competitors change into costumes — polar bear, bag lady — as they race to scoop detritus like milk cartons or old stuffed animals into color-coordinated trash bins."

And then there's "whiffle hurling," which "constitutes art because its smirky costumes (ruffled collars, Indian dhotis) and team names (St. Brendan’s Reformatory for Incorrigible Self-Knowing) subvert the conventions of sportsdom."

What do the boys think?


Chip: "Just because you're a pale-skinned hipster who got picked last for baseball games in eighth-grade doesn't mean you have to 'subvert the conventions of sportsdom' and ruin things for the rest of us."

Richard: "I will not be at all surprised when I show up expecting to see a kickball game at Hobbs Field this summer and instead find local author King Tosser and local kickball star Reverend H. dressed as polar bears and engaged in a game of 'bag tag.'"

---

Speaking of unecessary sports, KU's baseball team ended their season with two major home victories (and capacity crowds) over 11th-ranked K-State. They will enter the Big 12 Tournament as a fifth-seed, their highest ever. LJ-World sports columnist Tom Keegan says in today's paper: "[Coach] Price calls everyone “Big Time.” It’s time to call Price’s baseball program the same."

Richard attended yesterday's game. Does he agree?

Richard: "When I took my seat at packed Hoglund yesterday, I thought to myself, This popularity is just a fluke, a bunch of bandwagon fans of the sort that packed the Fieldhouse for the women's basketball tournament. But when I saw White Owl appear in the third inning to rally the fans with a bizarre chant about rain, or maybe rainbows, I knew that we'd indeed hit the big time."

---

Each Monday we feature a new local Twitterer, and this week is Free State Brewery. Their Twitters sound about as drunken as you'd imagine:

"full at the bar open outside cask ad astra still on tap"

Follow the Twitter feed at: www.twitter.com/freestatebrews

Ukuleles, Women's Undergarments, and Cougars!

We've reported before on the growing trend of hipster bands using unconventional (and silly) instruments such as ukuleles.* On the local scene, it's perhaps best personified by adorable indie songstress Hawley Shoffner, who likes the instrument for its affordability, which allows her to mix and match instruments and outfits, as she has claimed in interviews. On the national scene, a prominent ukulele player of the moment is Dent May and His Magnificent Ukulule, who makes a stop at the Jackpot tonight. Lawrence.com says: "If Dent May didn't play ukulele, he'd probably be a lounge singer aboard an island cruise."

Richard: "I was going to make a similar joke but Lawrence.com beat me to the snarkiness!"

Watch a wonderful video of Dent May in today's sidebar.

{* Toy guitars are also very hip, as witnessed in the band Micachu and the Shapes. Rolling Stone gives their album Jewellery (yes, that's how it's spelled) four stars and calls the lead singer "an instant punk heroine, thanks to that adorable guitar."...watch their video in the sidebar]


---

Readers, have you ever been to Basehor, Kansas? Aside from the town's name, which reminds the boys of prostitutes, there's rarely been a reason to visit. But a new museum exhibit called "Victorian Secret" may just change that: the exhibit presents the history of women's undergarments. In today's LJ-World piece, the museum director says: "We were really excited to get it."

Chip: "By excited, I assume they mean 'boner-inducing' and this certainly sounds a hell of a lot better than all these tree-related art exhibits that Larryville insists on giving us. I've spent many a pleasant evening with my right hand, a bottle of wine, and a Victoria's Secret catalogue, so I may well take a drive over to Basehor and learn about how we got from the corset to the thong."

---

All this is well and good, but some of you are no doubt wondering: What happened on "The Cougar" last week? The show continues to reinforce lessons that the boys have learned painfully over the years. Last week Stacey booted out the cub who tenderly professed his love for her (too soon, too phony) and kept the one who removed his shirt, tossed her roughly on the bed, and made out with her (until the commercial break).

Chip: "Women say they want true love, but what they really want is to be bent over the ice bar and called dirty names. Wait, no, I'm not thinking about women. I'm thinking about Quinton's waitresses."

The show is down to six cubs now and, with Lost entering reruns for the summer, none of you geeks have a reason to miss it!

Richard and Dr. X Meet a Drunken Geek at Dempsey's and Chip Watches a Quirky Parade!

With its new gourmet chef and preposterous menu items such as "duck fat french fries," Dempsey's Irish Pub has gone from a dead-in-the-water bar to a packed local phenomenon in the matter of a few months. And that means the boys have to hang out there if they want to be hip, which they do. But does the place tend to attract an unusually large number of geeky comic-book guys, for some reason? As soon as Richard and special-guest Dr. X claimed a spot at the crowded bar last night they were accosted by an extremely drunken fellow primed for today's Comic-Con. He made them this offer: "I'll buy you beers all night if you listen to my comic storylines." It was an intriguing offer, and the boys considered it seriously but soon became a bit scared when the offers suddenly progressed to: "Why don't you come over to my place and hang out and just talk about X-Men for awhile?" Readers, we just weren't ready for that kind of committment, so after a protracted discussion at the bar of this fellow's new comic series called "The Aero-nauts" ("You think I'm a loser, don't you, but this shit is better than Star Wars!"), their new companion turned his attention to a young woman who simply wanted to order a burger but instead found herself hearing a pitch for a new Superman series. But was all the awkwardness worth it for a basket of sweet potato fries? Sure. Why not.

[You may be saying to yourself, "Hold on. Aren't the boys comic-book geeks themselves?" Well, yes, but they don't self-identify as such, perhaps because of their extreme handsomeness or their wide knowledge of hipster-literature by Jonathan Franzen and Michael Chabon].

---

Today's downtown Art Tougeau parade brought its usual array of freaks on wheels. Here's a shot from the event (click to enlarge):






Chip: "In Larryville, we applaud this sort of behavior. In Forttt Scottt, we arrest it."

What To Do This Weekend!

Readers, it's graduation weekend in Larryville and that means a lot of graduating sorostitutes will be looking for one last fling before they walk down the hill, move back in with their parents, get knocked up by the assistant manager of Applebees, and start spending their weekend nights at Walmart instead of the Hawk. Go forth, readers, and bang them!

Tonight, as previously noted, brings the Lawrence.com Deadwood Edition wake at the Replay and the Mammoth Life hipsterthon at the Jackpot. Look for Richard in the front row shouting for his favorite Mammoth Life tunes: "Play 'Disrupting The Extinction Of Distinction” {Part 3 – Ego}.'"

Tomorrow offers one of Larryville's more eccentric events, the Art Tougeau parade, in which a motley collection of elaborately decorated wheeled vehicles roll their way through the city streets. Today's LJ-World profiles one of them, The Dragon Wagon, which will be up for sale in coming weeks. The boys are expected to buy it and fill it with Quinton's waitresses on a cross-country summer road trip.












And a campus event on Saturday morning might also be worth a look: the Athletic Department is hosting a clearance sale of old athletic equipment and Allen Fieldhouse memorabilia.

Chip: "I hope to obtain Mario Chalmers' championship-winning jock strap. Not to wear, necessarily, but to display in my apartment and say, 'This strap housed the balls of the man who shot the shot that won the NCAA Championship.'"

The Boys Bid Farewell to Lawrence.com's "Deadwood Edition"/ Free State Beer Review! / International Surf-Bike Competition! / Lost Geeks Speak Out!

Readers, how often has this happened to you? You're sitting on the Replay patio in the middle of the afternoon reading Lawrence.com's Deadwood Edition and sipping a lukewarm PBR when you look over and see a moderately attractive hipster chick doing the exact same thing, at which point you raise your can in a toast and join her for a discussion regarding the Replay's best bartenders before adjourning to Jensen's Liquor and then her apartment to screw politely while listening to Bon Iver's "For Emma, Forever Ago" (which lasts 37 minutes, plenty of time). If you're anything like the boys, it happens often. But that scenario is at an end this week, because the Lawrence.com "Deadwood Edition" will no longer be printed due to these tough financial times. Sure, it will continue to live on-line, guiding us all to important shows, but it just won't be the same. What are we supposed to do now? Carry our laptops to the Replay? Replay hipsters do not own laptops.

The Lawrence.com crew will be at the Replay on Friday at 6:00 for a "Death to Deadwood Wake" in honor of the 246 beautiful issues that have been printed. Here's the press release:

"Please join us at this early party on the Replay patio for a drink or four! With the sounds of SceneboosterSoundSystem! And $1.50 Hamm's!"

Richard: "I wish I had a complete collection of the Deadwoods. It would get me sooo laid this weekend."

---

For local townies and hippies, it doesn't get much more exciting than the unveiling of a new beer at Free State, and in this new series the boys will evaluate each new beer. First up is this month's "Brinkley's Maibock," the annual May bock beer, known for "a crisp, complex flavor and a golden appearance" (Pitch). Free State's version is named after a Dr. Brinkley, "purveyor and implanter of goat glands and one of Kansas' most infamous mad scientists" (Pitch).

Chip: "Well, it does taste kind of like goat, but at the same time I've had much worse at Free State, which has yet to brew anything half as nice as a Coor's Light, although I'm kind of fond of the 'Cyclist,' which is 75% lemonade."

Richard: "For me, this beer has the aroma of a spring thunderstorm rolling in during a kickball game, when the first heavy drops begin to dampen the smelly suit of the guy who runs around the bases wearing a Pooh costume. Delicious!"

---

An important event is slated for the Percolator tonight: An International Surf-Bike competition. Here's the press release: "Meet in front of the Percolator. If you don't have a surf-bike, any bike will do. If you DO have a surf-bike, you will totally rule!"

Richard: "It's true that anyone with a surf-bike totally rules, but I'm fairly sure no one around here has one and that word of this event hasn't really spread, internationally."

Chip: "It's just going to be a bunch of locals on their boring old bicicyles isn't it?"

Richard: "I'm afraid so, Chip. Yes, it is."

---

Since about half of our readership consists of Lost geeks, the day after the finale seems a perfect time to look at a few theories from an on-line talkback. They are presented here without commentary (except for once!) because their combination of sincerity and preposterousness make them funny enough on their own. Enjoy!

"The statue is not Anubis or Sobek. It is Tawaret. Same exact head wear, same exact ears, four toes, holding the ankhs to his side. Sobek is the not only four toed as another poster commented. Tawaret was an ancient egyptian goddess of fertility and protector of pregant women. Funny how pregnant women die on the island after the statue was destroyed. do an image search for Tawaret LOST and you'll see."

"When JACOB's on shore watching The Black Rock Ship come sailing in, the other guy who sits w/Jacob says something about "a loop-hole." Well, guess what fans, when BEN & JOHN are inside the 4-toed statue home of JACOB, right before BEN stabs JACOB, JACOB's leaning on a pillar & says to JOHN, "Well, I guess you found your loop-hole." JACOB IS the other guy on the shore, & JOHN IS NOW JACOB! JACOB entered JOHN's body immediately when JOHN's coffin landed on The Hydra Island w/SUN, BEN, FRANK, ILANA, BRAM & all the other people who survived Ajaira Flight 316 crash. That's why RICHARD had been saying that JOHN appeared different. JACOB took the form of JOHN. JOHN was never resurrected; he was, however, resurrected to a degree. JACOB IS IN JOHN! JACOB has used the dead as vessel's for a long time (ie. YEMI, CHRISTIAN, ALEX, BEN's mother, etc.) He has the ability to do that. Thus,
now as JOHN, JACOB will help The LOSTIES."

"Any thoughts on Jacob's reading material while he was sitting on the bench waiting for Locke to do his "swan dive" out the window? I checked Wikipedia and all it said was that Flannery O'Connor's "Everything that Rises Must Converge" is a collection of short stories published in 1965 after her death. The short story that gives the book its title is about race relations. (Hmmmmm. Another reference to black and white?) Also, what to make of the book's cover art - an arrow "converging" with a dove? The first thing that occurred to me about the book title was a converging of time lines."

Richard: "This fucking bonehead doesn't consider O'Connor's importance as a religious writer whose central concern is 'moments of grace'"

"The final "LOST" screen! The colors were inverted!! Harbinger of things to come?"

The Lupus Finale Begins, Courtesy of Dr. X (click to enjoy) / And Don't Forget to Watch the Cougar Tonight!

---

Screw the Lost finale, whose second hour overlaps with episode five of The Cougar. TV Land's website offers this tantalizing preview of tonight: "Stacey is fed up and lets the cubs know it."

Chip: "She's angry because it's week five and these sad-ass cubs have barely even tried to bang her yet."

Dr. X's Lupus Finale Preview! (click to enlarge and peruse and study the picture!)

Harry Lupus Season Finale Coming This Evening!

Stay tuned, readers.

In the meantime, please watch Ssion's video for "Bullshit" in the sidebar. KC's self-described "gayest" band will be at the Jackpot in Larryville tonight and you'll want to be there for the dance party.

Visit them at www.myspace.com/ssion

Kickball Coverage Begins! / Look Who's Twittering! / The Changing Face of Downtown Larryville, Vol. I / Plus, Lupus Season Finale On the Way!

On a recent evening, the boys' old friend Z-Man introduced them to the owner of Astro Kitty comics, who invited the boys to come down to the Jackpot where he was hosting a "drink and draw" night for nerds and hipsters to mingle and bond while drawing pictures of dragons and shit (Chip declined on the grounds that "it sounded frightening" and he "needed to go to Quinton's). The owner (let's call him The Astro Cat) seemed like a very nice guy, albeit not the kind of guy you'd immediately peg as a kickball player. But kickball has become so pervasive, so ingrained in summer culture, that even Astro Kitty has a team now, called Astro Kitty Space Pussy (which is currently the top choice for the boys' favorite team name). They may not win many games ("Because they're pale and fat"--Chip), but they have a sweet T-shirt.





















Astro Kitty also has a Twitter feed that you might want to follow at www.twitter.com/Astrokitty

Here's a sample post:

Sketches Joel will be doing this week: AKUMA v APOCALYPSE, RED HULK v DARTH MAUL, ROTJ LUKE v VAMPIRE, "UNBREAKABLE" guy, 40s SILK SPECTRE!

---

Today begins a new summer series--a photographic essay, if you will--in which we chart the new developments on the downtown scene, mainly as a way of keeping our out-of-town fans like Dr. C and Dr. X informed.

Today's photo: the TapRoom's new smoking patio! Yes, this dank hipster-haven was among the bars hardest hit by the smoking ban, but recent legislation finally approved this lovely wrap-around patio which allows weary hipsters to sit down while discussing the most recent Chomp Womp TapRoom Family Night performances.
















---

Tomorrow is slated to bring the Season One finale of Harry Lupus, written by Dr. X. Expect extra vulgarity, meta-narratives, and possibly a cliffhanger involving a Dynasty-style wedding massacre.

The Boys Look Ahead to This Friday's Hipster Extravanganza at the Jackpot! / Plus, a New Installment of "Look Who's Twittering!"

Readers, occasionally a show comes along that is so hip you probably won't even be allowed into it unless you know a secret hipster password ("Veckatimest* ") or are willing to buy the whole bar a round of PBR's. This week, that show is from Mammoth Life, a Larryville "collective" bringing their "kaleidoscopic art pop" to the Jackpot this Friday as part of the "Lawrence/Omaha pop showcase." Here's some information from their Myspace:

"The group is currently working on their sophomore release titled, An American Movement. A self described "spaghetti-pop, western opus" about a character that goes by the name of Boy Blue... it is said, “Boy Blue can do anything that he wants to do.” It is a romantic and introspective account about the author, but also a passionate and fanciful doctrine that asserts individuality, creativity, freedom acquired from knowledge, ego, critical thinking, perseverance and drive, and attainment… for this is to be an American movement."


Chip: "Oh, I do love spaghetti!"

Richard: Please go to their Myspace at www.myspace.com/officialmammothlife and prepare for their show by listening to the song called “With Sanctity, Our Declaration” {Progress: The Metamorphosis Part 1 – Progress}" and watch their videos in our sidebar feature!"

The LC will be bringing you full coverage of the show, including the other bands in the showcase, later this week!

*Veckatimest is the name of Grizzly Bear's new record, which drops on May 26 and which will be discussed at Love Garden for the rest of the summer]

---

It's time for round two of "Look Who's Twittering," in which we examine the twitter feeds of local businesses and celebrities. This week's featured Twitterer is... The Bourgeois Pig.

Here's a sample entry:

"The Pig now has BEET INFUSED VODKA. That's right, beet."

Follow the Pig's Twitter feed at: http://twitter.com/thebourgeoispig

It's Mother's Day in Larryville! / Plus, Socially Conscious Local Show Pick of the Day!

Even hipsters love their mothers, and many of them will likely be celebrating the day with a few PBRs and perhaps a hipster-and-mothers kickball tournament.

But the main sight to see on this day is the sorostitutes out on Mass. Street with their sexy mothers in tow, many of whom are hot divorcees. Readers, it's a perfect environment for a cougar hunt! The boys have discovered that the best time to pick these cougars up is right after brunch, when they are horny on mimosas. And if you're kinky enough, you might just score a mother/daughter duo.

Our friend in the West, Dr. C, recently weighed in during one of our cougar-talkbacks with this incisive commentary:

"I do think cougars are a real phenom, although not as common as any one of us may hope. Divorcees are now not only permitted, but encouraged to be sexually active and openly available. Many have been emotionally burned, are financially independent, and hormonally driven to heights of desire usually above anything they've experienced in their lives.

With crazy fitness programs, money for the best fashions, even plastic surgery, some of them are pretty hot . . . at least until you get them undressed."

Happy hunting!

---

If you love to rock and you care about the Earth, you can't afford to miss tonight's performance by Earth Crisis at the Granada. Here's what Lawrence.com has to say:

"Earth Crisis’ chugging riffs and barking declarations served as the mouthpiece of America's vegan, straight-edge movement throughout the '90s, detailing the ideas of animal and human liberation, drug-free living, and personal empowerment through hardcore song."

Chip: "I'll bet these straight-edge punks might quickly abandon their love for non-violence if I were to show up wearing my fur coat and eating a chicken-fried steak-on-a-stick."

A New Local Hipster Band to Keep an Eye On: Naomi What?

Everyone that works at the Replay also plays in a band (or two) and one of those projects is slated to play an early gig tonight. They're called Naomi What? (yes, it has a question mark, and unusual punctuation is always a sign of hipness) and their Myspace description terms their music: "Acousmatic/tape music/French pop/shoegaze." But don't worry: it's none of those things. The line-up features two percussionists and an acoustic guitarist playing quirky, sincere indie-pop with occasional three-part harmonies (but the sincerity is nicely undercut by the fact that everyone knows the members of the band and understands that, behind their amusingly earnest stage presence, the band members are really just as cynical and snarky as their audience). Having seen them twice, Richard has pinpointed the highlight of their gigs (and the pinnacle of their current hipness) as being their cover of Yo La Tengo's "Did I Tell You." You WILL sing along.

Catch their early patio gig at the Replay tonight along with an odd lineup featuring the comedy-folk of Monday's Millionaires (pictured below) and the furious metal of Hammerlord, whose Myspace contains this review of their work: "Nobody would typically associate the wheat field and suburb speckled corner of Northeastern Kansas with bloody-fanged wolves and godless barbarians on a bender of death n' destruction, but the seasoned collective of skull-bashers known as HAMMERLORD have done well to change the landscape with their maniacal debut."

Chip: "Hammerlord better keep that shit in Northeastern Kansas, because Forttt Scottt might well burn them at the stake like witches."

The Boys' Guide to Summer Blockbusters / Plus, Cougar Recap and Today's Art Pick!

Readers, it's Stop Day and the boys are completely spent after last night's sorostitute-orgy. But nonetheless Richard has found time to don his Romulan battle gear and hop in line for the new Star Trek "reboot." You might think that sounds a bit geeky, but you'd be wrong, because the geeks all dress as Spock. In fact, even Chip has some interest in Trek as a cultural phenomenon: "It really has added a lot to the language: Nanoo-nanoo! May the force be with you! ET phone home! It's hard not to be somewhat impressed by the depth of its cultural impact." (Chip).

---

Although the newest episode of "The Cougar" did not quite deliver the red-hot cougar-den action that the previews promised us (providing instead a bit of sensitive "pillow talk"), it did teach us several important lessons, as always. The episode began with the cubs revealing their darkest secrets to the cougar, who then chose the two most interesting candidates for a skydiving date. The secrets chosen by the cougar were: a stint in rehab; cheating on a girlfriend with her best friend. Later, the cougar excused the ex-rehab cub from the house and chose to keep the philandering cub, making him promise never to hurt her should they fall in love. He promised; she believed him. Later, the cubs were asked to write a song for the cougar. Her pick: the one that sounded most like John Mayer, proving once again that women can never resist the lure of sweet nothings played acoustically by boring white men. Next week's trailers reveal another trip to the cougar-den, this one actually featuring a make-out session with a shirtless cougar (Chip: "Even prior to a first kiss, I always remove my shirt. It's just something I do."). Stay tuned.

---

Today's art pick takes us to La Esquina in KC: "On May 8, 2009, beginning at noon, Kansas City based artist Jason Dixon will attempt to complete the most performance art pieces ever enacted by a single person in a single day. Clad in competitive swimming gear and acting through his alter ego, Tito, Dixon plans to re-create a selection of seminal performance art works of the past, from Bruce Nauman’s “Bouncing in Corner” to Vito Acconci’s “Turn On,” and Theme Song,” to Paul McCarthy’s “White Line.”

Richard: "I'm guessing that 'bouncing in corner' is pretty much exactly what the title suggests."

The Boys Go Morel Hunting! / Plus, Today's Art Pick / Also, Stop Day Eve!

That's a false headline, readers. The boys are not really out hunting for morels. Like kickball and community gardening, morel hunting is an activity largely reserved for East Side eccentrics. Yes, during a brief stint in the spring, you can find most Eastsiders--and a few wannabe "foodies"--scouring local fields for the tasty little mushrooms that they love so well. Nancy, a Free State Brewery regular, Eastside resident, and new reader of the blog, recently lamented to Richard: "There's just no downtime between morel season and kickball season. First I'm a morel widow; then I'm a kickball widow." But is this activity being co-opted, like everything else in Larryville, by hipsterism. Perhaps. A recent Lawrence.com article offers tips on hunting morels, and the KJHK twitter feed offers this recent post: "Just ate my 1st morel ever. Amazing. Perfect." Don't be surprised if you show up at the Replay one of these warm spring evenings and find the patrons washing down morels with PBR.

Chip: "I'm sure the only kinds of mushrooms you'll find at the Replay are 'magic' mushrooms."

---

An intriguing art installation is occuring on campus at the Spencer today:

"Several professional, tether-trained animals will munch away on fresh spring grass as part of Shanghai-based artist Wang Tiande’s Up/Down project" (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "I get so tired of 'amateur' animals and their poor grazing skills. It will be nice to see how the pros do it."

---

Sure, Christmas is nice and all, but the boys' favorite holiday occurs tonight: Stop Day Eve!

Chip: " Stop Day in the spring is far better than Stop Day in the Fall because the warm weather means that the sorostitutes are already half-undressed. It takes a long time in December to strip away those layers of gloves and scarves and shit, but in the spring we can just kick off our flip-flops and get down to business."

Cinco de Mayo Recap / Cougar Reminder! / And Cl.thier Brings the Raw and Passionate Weresex You've Been Waiting for in Today's Lupus!

So how did the boys spend their Cinco de Mayo? As it turned out, they spent the first half of it watching a local football hero, Todd Reesing, play video-trivia at the Sandbar. Unfortunately, this was a rare night when Chip was not wearing his favorite (legal) Joe College football T-shirt which reads "It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Todd Reesing." But Chip was too shy to approach his idol anyway, although he very much longed to ask Reesing whether they were both equally sick of so much dull local baseball coverage. The boys found themselves quite impressed with Reesing's trivia skills (on most questions he was able to guess the answer after only three on-screen clues, the last of which pretty much told him the answer). In fact, he was 7000 points ahead of the other players, although perhaps they were letting him win. One of Riesing's friends, a former student of Chip, joined the boys briefly, allowing Chip to fire off a number of Reesing-related questions, such as: "Does he love trivia? Does he go out much? Is he really sweet and kind?" The boys then adjourned to Quinton's, with Richard predicting that Reesing would later "fuck everyone in the bar."

Quinton's, too, offered a celebrity sighting, one that pleased Richard far more than the football star: the boys' much-admired former waitress, the Woodchuck, unseen for quite some time, was off-duty and at the bar, dancing in her seat to Salt-n-Pepa along with a bevy of sorostitute friends, one of whom sank to the floor and did the splits at one point. Readers, that girl was very flexible! "I feel dirty," said Chip, but his gaze did not leave the bar, and Richard allowed that these sights made up for a lot of boring nights at Quinton's.


---

Tonight on the Cougar: "The guys must reveal their deepest secrets anonymously, and Stacey goes skydiving with the two whose secrets touch her most deeply. But only one of them returns to the mansion, where he and the other remaining contestants must each write a song describing his feelings for her. It's dinner and a show for the winner. Back at the mansion, another guy is in tears."


---

A lot of readers on the street have been saying: "Harry Lupus is great, but it's rarely sexy enough that I actually want to rub one out to it." Perhaps Cl.thier's entry today will change that. Put the kids to bed, readers, because Harry and Muffy are about to fuck!


"Harry woke up with an intense hangover and a taste in his mouth he could only compare to the floor of a dog pound. He tried to piece together the evening, but could only turn over fragments. He remembered going to the Homecoming football game against the Fort Scott Bears but had no idea who won or when he left. There was some sort of run-in with the weird emo kids who all looked like wet Gothic rats, but Harry couldn’t remember why it started or how it ended. He also remembered going to Muffy’s party out at the lake, but had no recollection of coming home. Rolling over, he found his sheets in tatters, and his clothes nowhere to be found. What he did find was Muffy.
Muffy’s naked body was sprawled out face down next to him, her chest moving easilyy, her small, rounded butt cheeks squirming ever so slightly. Harry had no idea how either of them had gotten there, but he didn’t care – his animal instincts were taking over, and he climbed on top of Muffy, grinding his hips into her backside. For a split second he worried she might protest, but Harry was relieved when the only sounds from Muffy were a long, low growl of pleasure, followed by a desperate command, “Get me, Harry.”
The young and horny wereboy proceeded to do just that. Muffy continued to keep her face and shoulders pressed against the torn sheets of the bed, but raised her pert bottom into the air for Harry to take. He thrust his bony werewolf hips into her over and over, as she rocked back and forth, using her knees and elbows to time her hips and ass to slam into Harry as he moved forward to slam into her. An incredible growling and yelping arose, with the two thrashing against one another in a sexual frenzy that resembled a fight between two dogs than it did any sort of human lovemaking. Muffy reached behind her and clawed at Harry’s hips and butt, scraping the flesh off of his things. Harry’s own claws dug into Muffy’s own flesh as he grabbed her beautifully toned waist and pulled it to his pounding pelvis. The yawping reached a fever pitch and almost simultaneously the two let out long howls, the walls shaking from the combined vibrations of their sexual madness and throaty eruptions.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Alessandra M-, a foreign exchange student and K!p’s girlfriend, was screaming hysterically: “Eastsiders have K!ppy! Eastsiders have K!ppy!” Then she collapsed on the bed, sending all three tumbling in a heap of hair and sweat and sexual juices. Harry couldn’t believe his luck."

The Boys Check in With the City Commission / Plus, Happy Cinco de Mayo, Readers!

The Larryville City Commission now has new members to carry on the important work of the city, and it remains to be seen how they will handle hot-button issues such as domestic hedgehog rights and proposals for changing street names to honor the pure berserker rage of Missouri-hating former football coaches. Tonight, however, provides a test: will they pass a proposal to allow a "tent city" to be constructed in Burcham Park, providing legal camping for up to 50 of the area homeless population? The Burcham Park campground, if approved, would be located just north of KU's pricy new boathouse for the rowing team.

Chip: "If this happens, we're likely to see a lot of rowers suddenly turn up 'missing.' I mean, how could this proposal be seriously considered, given the recent surging crime rate in this city, with nightly stabbings and drive-bys?"

Richard: "I'm pretty sure none of those have been linked to the homeless, Chip."

Chip: "And I'm pretty sure you're naive."

---

Like most Americans, the boys have no real clue what Cinco de Mayo is actually celebrating ("Isn't it when Sancho Panza and Che Guevera liberated the Mexicans from the clutches of the dictator 'Speedy' Gonzalez?" --Chip). But nonetheless it's a fine occasion to don a sombrero, eat some queso, and get hammered on cheap margaritas ("Queso means cheese" --Richard).

The boys spent last year's Cinco de Mayo at the Sandbar and, judging from the report on that evening, they had a very nice time. Here's an excerpt: "Also spotted on this night: one of the most beautiful women yet seen in local bars, wearing a short, tight, black cocktail dress. When I see such a dress, Richard said (in his mind), the first thing I think about is removing it."

Richard: "What I meant to say was that I wanted to remove it...with my teeth."

See you on the town.

Look Who's Twittering: Love Garden Records! / Plus, The LC's Photo of the Week

This week's Time magazine offers a list of the world's 100 most influential people, which includes "the Twitter guys," Biz Stone and Evan Williams. Their tribute is written by "actor" and Twitter-enthusiast Ashton Kutcher, who calls the invention of Twitter "as significant and paradigm-shifting as the invention of Morse code, the telephone, radio, television, or the personal computer."

In this new feature at the LC, we shine a light on various local personalities and businesses that are now "Twittering." First off, is Love Garden Records, and their account is an excellent way to stay on top of hip new records as well as find out the latest antics of the playful and hilarious "magical" Love Garden kitties! The site also offers daily passwords ("Derby Pie") that customers can use for special discounts. Here's a sample entry, and make sure to go to http://twitter.com/lovegardensound and become a "follower":

"Now playin' Black Moth Super Rainbow "Don't you Want to be in a Cult b/w Feel the Drip" 12". It's rad- if you are into that sort of thing!"

Chip: "I'm not into that sort of thing, but I hope to discover that Quinton's has a Twitter account in which various waitresses post 140 character updates about (and possibly during) their sexual encounters."

Richard: "I'll buy a PBR for the person who sends the best imitation of a Quinton's-waitress Twitter message to the talkback section."

---

In the LC "photo of the week," we have captured an alarming new trend in Larryville. Here we see one of the city's most famous hippies, the tall dude who flashes the peace signs along 9th Street, being hassled by "the Man" at yesterday's Art in the Park festival. First the hippies' Wakurasa Festival was chased away and now they're not even free to stroll in the park without police interference. What's next? Will the cops turn a hose on the Free State patio? Click to enlarge the photo.

Local Bar Update / The Boys Consider Recent Concert Reviews

It has recently come to the LC's attention that Larryville institution, Coyote's, one of the few places to consistently play host to country music and two-stepping, has come under new ownership and changed its name to something considerably duller: 23rd Street Roadhouse. Ads in local publications, however, stress a continued devotion to redneck music, as well as drink specials such as "The Shit Kicker," leading us to believe that the venue is still one of the likeliest places in town for an ass-whipping. But will the legendary Saturday wet T-shirt contests continue? Let's hope so. ("Wet breasts are erotic" --Chip).

---

Sadly, the boys can't make it to every important show in Larryville or KC, primarily because Richard only goes to the Replay and Chip, after a bad experience at the Barrel House piano bar, refuses to pay anyone for music.

Luckily, the Pitch, especially, keeps us all well-informed of what's going down on the local scene. Let's take a look.

First off, local Larryville record label Chomp Womp has taken to hosting mysterious "family nights" at the TapRoom. But the Pitch lets us know some of what's been happening there:

"Chomp Womp accomplice Lacy Myers has been baking cakes, typically in the shape of dinosaurs. Sometimes she and her friends sneak over to the neighboring Sandbar to grab shark toys and pass them out. Myers brought a life-size Hannah Montana poster to the last Family Night, and people wrote dirty things in an adjacent speech bubble...Family Night has also been known to spawn bad KISS makeup and encounters with a mysterious character named Bramblethrash, which might either be a band or a toy, I couldn't really tell based on Gibson's description."

Franz Ferdinand recently graced the stage at the Beaumont. Was it awesome?

"Last night proved they can put on the plaid and make the midwest dance to songs inspired by French cinema and homoerotic attraction." (Pitch).

Chip: "If I had been there, I assure you that I would have stood quietly, with my arms crossed, wearing an expression of mild disapproval."

And finally, Uncle Neil made it to the Sprint Center this week after cancelling a poorly scheduled Election Night show there last year. Did he spend the evening regaling the crowd with his new album, which is entirely devoted to the joys of electric cars? Or did he melt everyone's faces, motherfucking Crazy Horse-style? Let's see.

"Neil pulled out all the stops on a cover of the Beatles' "Day in the Life." It was goddamn life affirming... and at its raucous, improvisatory climax, he shouldered off his righteous, fucked-up black Les Paul and began ripping the strings out of the beast, whipping the pickups with the strings' beaded ends, creating a feedback storm that sounded like a skyscraper collapsing in slow motion. And then, he set the guitar on its stand and casually walked behind his cargo of still-humming amps and stepped behind the vibraphone his wife had been playing, way up at the back of the stage. He picked up the mallets, plunked out a couple of finishing chords, and flashed a peace sign to everyone in the house." (Pitch).

Richard: "At the Replay, we prefer Built to Spill's version of 'Cortez the Killer.'"

Geek PIck of the Day: Free Comic Book Day at Astro Kitty Comics!

Readers, it's Kentucky Derby Day, first and foremost, and if you're anything like the boys you've been drinking mint juleps since sunrise. But you should also make time for a visit to Larryville's Astro Kitty Comics to celebrate nationwide "Free Comic Book Day." In addition to its giveaways, the store is also offering comic trivia contests throughout the day and artists on hand to draw "character sketches" of you in superhero gear. The store's Myspace offers this description:

"We are a full-service comic book, MAGIC:TG/HEROCLIX/VS./Pokemon/YuGiOh!/WoWccg/MUNCHKIN/ZOMBIES!/Beermoney, action figure, minicomix, poster, and t-shirt retail space!" (www.myspace.com/ndenclave)

Chip: "First off, I don't know what any of those things mean? Second, until recently I thought comic books were stricly for children and lonely fat men, but then I realized that many of them were full of large-breasted women, which is something I, a cool guy, also enjoy."

Richard: "I plan to spend the afternoon there discussing (A) why Wolverine sucks so bad and (B) how next week's Abrams-helmed Star Trek is going to successfully reinvent our beloved franchise...so long as it remains completely true to the most esoteric details of the mythology, and (C) how even if Trek sucks I'm still going to see it four times on opening weekend, dressed, on alternate days, as both a Klingon and a Romulan."

Chip: "Even though the store is full of large men with bits of cheeseburger stuck in their beards, it's a nice peaceful atmosphere, which is hard to come by these days in Lawrence when it's not even safe for a frat boy to purchase a Burrito King burrito at 3:00 a.m. without being assaulted."

Richard: "However, if anybody dares to argue today that Picard is preferable to Kirk, I'll cut the motherfucker."

Special May Day Edition / Plus, More Baseball News

Readers, it's May Day, and if it wasn't forty fucking degrees and rainy, you'd probably see sorostitutes dancing around maypoles on campus. As it is, that will have to wait for Cl.thier's special May Day performance tonight (he's said to have installed a special pole onstage for willing dancers...or strippers).

Today is also the official kick-off to the summer movie season, with X-Men Origins: Wolverine appearing in theaters (perhaps to largely empty houses...as every fanboy saw a pirated copy on-line weeks ago and declared it to be a pile of wolverine shit). Even so, the boys are in line today wearing specially designed sets of adamantine claws and hoping the multiplex version is somehow better.

Here's a review from Rotten Tomatoes: "The novel innovation is that these hairy wolves move in contrary ways."

Richard: "I don't know what that means, but it could be neat!"

In other news, the KU baseball team is continuing to get major local press coverage, as spectators seem to be clamoring for something even duller than women's basketball. Clark Goble's article in the UDK goes so far as to say that the baseball team's at-home record is even more impressive than the men's basketball team, due to the fact that the baseball team defeated the #1 team at home (Texas) and simply because "defending your home field is a lot tougher in baseball" (because it lacks supportive fans in the seats). Goble argues that it's time for a new local sports slogan: "Beware of the Hog!" (as in Hoglund Park).

Chip: "This kid should be expelled."