Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The LC's election coverage! / Plus, Wakarusa Festival and Football Chant Updates!

The boys always keep a close eye on the results of the vote in Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, because it is one of the first polling sites to cast votes (at midnight) and because it has a name that sounds dirty.

Chip: "It's really almost the dirtiest sounding town name that I know, except for maybe Glory Hole, Missouri."

Richard: "I find it to be an even sexier name than Romance, Arkansas."

Dixville Notch chose Obama.

Last week, Chip (who clings to a centuries-old view of American life) spent a half hour trying to convince Richard that all bars across America were closed on Election Day because people often tried to buy drinks for others as bribes for casting a vote for a particular candidate. Luckily, Chip was wrong, and Larryville bars are not only open today, they are hosting parties! The Jackpot Saloon joins the festivities with "Socialist drink specials" ($1.25 cans of Hamms), while the Granada is presenting a political puppet performance by local troupe The Felt Show.

Chip: "If socialism helps us get drunk for cheap, perhaps it's not as evil as I've been led to believe."

Richard: "The Jackpot is also the "live blogging location" tonight for local Larryville liberal blogger April Fl.ming and her "Ten million pounds of sludge" blog. The live blogging location for the LC tonight is Quinton's, where the waitresses may well be Republican but that doesn't mean I wouldn't bang them while explaining why I love Obama. Also: the Felt Show's puppets look amazing, but the writers wouldn't know a funny joke if it bit them on the ass."


After facing years of anti-hippie discrimination in Larryville, Wakarusa Festival mastermind Brett Moss.man faced a major setback this week as he attempted to move his festival just outside town to Jefferson County's Circle S Ranch: the City Commission didn't want the festival either. One lady commissioner (quoted on last night's local newscast) explained that it had recently come to her attention that the festival included drugs, alcohol, nudity, and (last year) hippies setting fire to a ruined VW van.

Richard: "Those things are the very lifeblood of the festival. But the lady forgot to mention the one thing about the festival that is actually troubling: shitty jam bands."

Chip: "You can't just transplant this kind of event into the delicate ecosystem of the Circle S. Ranch. What would the cattle think? Can they withstand such incessant guitar noodling at high volumes? I don't think this has been properly investigated, but I do favor getting the hippies out of Larryville."


Ever-creative, KU sports officials attempted a new means of ridding themselves of the chant at last weekend's game: playing Zombie Nation's "Kemcraft 400" loud enough to drown out the students.

Richard: "I find German techno music much more disturbing than the chant. Why is this song so essential to sporting events?"

Chip: "Because it gets us so hyped up that we want to rip somebody's fucking head off!"

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