Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Johnson County Perspective on Larryville / Spot the Scenester (A PBR Contest)

Johnson County often gets a bad rap among Larryville liberals, but perhaps we should not be so hasty. After all, consider how much of our cultural landscape in Larryville is flavored by the lovely sorostitutes who sprang from the fertile loins of Johnson County housewives. At any rate, the boys are fascinated by the suburban culture to their east, and often keep tabs on it through such sources such as ("The Magazine of South Johnson County").

A recent post from the site features ideas for a romantic "date night" in Larryville (in case you want to leave your McMansion for an evening of slumming in quaint, bohemian Larryville). So where should Johnson Countians go when they visit our fair city? Let's look at some excerpts from the piece, interspersed with our thoughts on the matter:

"...for happy hour you’ll want to plant yourself at The Oread’s Terrace on Fifth. Arguably the best view in Lawrence, the fifth floor spot affords a nearly 360-degree perspective on the city, including Memorial Stadium, the Campanile bell tower, downtown Lawrence, the Kaw River and too-many-to-count points between and beyond."

Richard: "Yes, if one wants a true taste of Larryville, the first place to go is obviously the Oread Inn. Also, we don't have 'happy hour' in Kansas. It's illegal."

Chip: "Sure, it's a nice view, but one's attention is often drawn away from the serene, polluted waters of the Kaw toward the numerous stabbings and muggings down below in the student ghetto."

But where should one go for dinner?

"Lawrence’s newest Latin/Mexican restaurant, Esquina, is already a Lawrence landmark, and we haven’t even talked about its food yet...To call Esquina “Chipotle for adults” is to risk underselling it. While the restaurant is—like the chain comparison—fast-casual in style, the food is decidedly flavorful, innovative and a downright must-try for the adult foodie palate."

Somewhere, Robert is crying right now at any review that even mentions Chipotle in the same sentence as his instant landmark. Sorry, Bob! (and please introduce a delicious rabbit taco, as soon as possible).

Another dining possibility is 715:

"715 exudes a New York-like bistro vibe (small, close-together tables, exposed brick, lots of flickering votives) and the crowd seems simultaneously urbane and eclectic. Clientele on a recent weekend night included KU’s athletic director and his wife; a same-sex couple with pink and orange-dyed hair; and a family with young children."

Richard: "Yes, Larryville contains a few gay people. It's not polite to stare."

Then it's time for after-dinner drinks:

"If you’re not sure whether you’re craving a chocolate martini or cafĂ© mocha after your post-dinner stroll, The Bourgeois Pig has both. Just steps east from 9th and Mass, “The Pig” (as locals call it), has a loyal following. Townies and intellectuals mix happily here; you could almost visualize the next great American novel being written nightly via laptop at the bar."

It's pretty to think this way, but the truth is that NO ONE at the Pig is happy (Chip: "That's why they dress all in black") and the only things likely being written on those laptops are dissertations with four colons in the title and snarky blogs like this one.

For "a little night music," the website recommends the Barrel House (Richard: "For fuck's sake, if you want a dueling piano bar, stay in Kansas City!") and the Bottleneck:

"Devotees of harder-core music who can’t wait to discover the next 2010 equivalent to Everclear will want to revisit The Bottleneck...If looking at piercings gone wild makes you squeamish, don’t go. But if you like your beer from a bottle and you remember your alternative phase fondly, follow the thrashing sounds of music a block east to 7th and New Hampshire."

Readers, when WILL the next Everclear emerge to save contemporary music?

And when will provide a similar article with tips for a "date night" in Johnson County? (answer: they won't. But there are some nice recipes on right now!).


Now that our readership has (slightly) expanded to include a few of the movers and shakers who have heretofore existed only as targets, our "Spot the Scenester" contest should work much better.

Here are the rules. Check out this A. Rusc.n photo from the recent Mammoth Life show at Love Garden, and the first one who recognizes the scenester(s) and identifies them in the comments section gets a free PBR. If the picture happens to be of you, we'll award you with two PBRs.

(Richard: "Ten bucks says @BARRR is going to win this.").


Reverend Lovejoy said...

Holy Shit...

And I thought we had some douchebags writing on here *ZING* -- FUCK YOU, YOU HIPPIE PIECES OF SHIT.

Not you, stripper lady: i will read and punk my scrubby to whatever the Hell you have to say for as long as your tits don't sag. Now, back to business.


Honestly -- now, I generally think that the valorization of FUCKING LAWRENCE KANSAS is, in itself, a moment of douchebaggery. However, having said that... I AT LEAST COULD GET THE SHIT RIGHT!

The next fucking EVERCLEAR? FUCKING ART "I FUCKED MY OWN ASS WITH MEMORIES OF MY FUCKING FATHER" ALEXSUCKASS? FUCK YOU, JOCO... and your lack of fundfuckingmental knowledge on anyfuckingthing!

Your students are borderline mentally-retarded (and no, assholes, I don't mean that as a a metaphor -- i mean I think they are actually cognitively-impared), entitlist assjacks who think mommy's bankroll and those great 32 DDDs Daddy bought her mean her plagiarized bullshit deserves an A so she can fucking give Kip a table dance at Abe and Jakes so he can pound off some knucklechildren in one its stalls!

And -- if you don't eat your shit t El Mez -- the FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! EAT SHIT! and FUCK YOU!

God... I hate you people!

...Wow, I should really put the shit away before I get online.

Anonymous said...


I hope that guy didn't have an aneurysm writing that.

Everyone hates Johnson County. It's OK. We just ignore them and move along.

Dr. C would be proud! said...

As an avid admirer of the Lawrence "scene," I'd like to thank all of those JOCO dads for those 32DDD purchases - well done!

@BARRR said...

Bwahahahahaha.....I'm actually in a picture with the guy on the right (Neil) at that show in the party pics that Alecia took!!!! I don't know the guy on the left because he is obviously too young to be cool yet...he wishes I we're posing in a pic with him. Sorry dude. Grow a mustache first. So...that game could've been called....Hey @BARRR who are the other people in party pics with you? AND honestly...I had never heard Mammoth Life till that show at Love Garden...but they were great. ANDDD Neil make pretty rad art...I stand by that dirty little mustache! ANDDDD I could barely decipher that first comment...but I loved it. WTF?! issss right. Amazing. Keep up the good work nerds.

PBR for BARRR said...

It's the uniforms that make ML great. Why can't all bands learn from them? We were there too, but weren't hip enough to make the party pics.

Look at these fucking hipsters (.cum) said...

...So -- when the both of you lovingly tongue each other's starspanner like you're clearing out the last drop of an ice cold frosty Hamms on Ice... do you spoon afterwards?

EW said...

Neil, my former student, is on the right. Associated with Mammoth Life -- he's their clothing designer.

free PBR for EW! said...

Excellent work, scenesters!

New contest coming soon.

@BARRR said...

I can't reveal what types of super futuristic post coital maneuvering goes'll just have to watch my twitter feed to see what's going to be popular in 2 years. Good luck getting laid. lolzzzt

Griffnasty said...

"To call Esquina “Chipotle for adults” is to risk underselling it."

This is just too great! Thank you!

Missionary please! said...

Ho-lee shit, Private Pile!

I've just been skullfucked by a man in a maroon sweatsuit.

Ho-lee shit!

--Christ, I hope that's not the post-coital embrace... though it would explain the term 'asteroid head'.

... Ho-lee shit!

upchuck friendly said...

That sumbitch could sure bitch slap yer scrotum with the tips of his stache on fast repeat! Let's hear it for the boy!

Good work Richard and Chip! Keep it up! (Chip: I get that kind reminder)

I drink at the P&L (Kip drives) said...

Correction: That sumbitch WOULD LIKE to brush my nuts with his moustache! Major correction. -nods-

--I demand bathing.