Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Unintentionally Hilarious LJ-World Sports Article of the Day / Also, The Boys Examine the UDK's "Free For All"

Readers, it's an important day in Larryville. The KU men's basketball season gets underway tonight, meaning that we can officially forget about the increasingly-shitty football team altogether (Chip: "If I saw Reesing on the street today, I'd spit in his eye.").

Today's LJ-World offers yet another of their recent pieces which emphasize the ever-evolving "relationship" between team leaders Cole Aldr.ch and Sherron Coll.ns, which contains this line:

"With each passing day, it continues to be difficult — if not impossible — for anybody to differentiate between the inseparable KU teammates/best buddies..." (LJ-World).

Richard: "Actually, if you can just remember that one of them is short and the other is freakishly tall, and that one of them is white and the other is black, it's really not that difficult to tell them apart."

The prior quote is followed by this statement from Aldr.ch regarding Coll.ns: "“It’s almost kind of like he’s the girlfriend and I’m the guy" (LJ-World).

Chip: "I think what he means to say is that Coll.ns is the 'bottom' in that relationship. Isn't that the proper terminology?"


Perhaps the most-read column in local journalism is not Tom Keeg.n's sports opinion pieces in the LJ-World or the boys' profound discussions of whether something is art or not on the LC, but the UDK's "Free For All," a celebration of free speech which prints random comments submitted by students so long as they are not slanderous (and sometimes even if they are).

On a recent evening at Quinton's, Cl.thier, a local poet, was holding court on how the "Free For All" served as a perfect illustration of society's "continual downward spiral into anti-intellectualism and moral decay," so we've decided to take a look at the ever-popular UDK feature, focusing on a single day's column (Mon. Nov. 2), to see what it truly reveals about Larryville's student population. Here are a few entries along with commentary from the boys:

"I quite enjoy my boyfriend's tonguery."

Richard: "At first glance, this could be taken as the remark of a drunken sorostitute, but a closer look suggests that it's more likely the blissful statement of a liberated woman enjoying orgasms for the first time after years of being dully drilled by shitfaced frat boys in the backs of SUV's. Notice her diction here: the 'quite enjoy' sounds like the speech of a lady who, to borrow a phrase from our old Quinton's compatriot Shawn, 'might well have attended a fine finishing school.' We should engrave this remark on a plaque and hang it up in the Women's Studies Department.

Chip: "I 'quite enjoy' the boner her comment gave me."

"When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice. But when the wicked bear the rule, the people mourn."

Richard: "This is Proverbs 29.2, or so my Google search told me. Quite likely this is someone repeating a phrase he/she learned in a Religious Studies course which may well shape their thinking for years to come."

Chip: "Is this a reference to the Obama administration? Great minds think alike. I'd like to party with this writer."

"Never let it be said that I'm not a nice guy. When I heard people next door having sex, I put on Marvin Gaye for them."

Richard: "This one is a touching illustration of the respect one learns in a college environment where students must learn to live in very close quarters with one another."

Chip: "When I hear neighbors having sex, I masturbate. Every single time."

"How pathetic is it that my Halloween festivities ended at ten, but I haven't taken off my costume yet because I know I won't have another excuse to rock my suit for a long time."

Chip: "It's VERY pathetic."

Richard: "There's a terrifying existentialism at work in many of the 'Free for All' comments that would make for an important dissertation topic for someone."

"What if weed was the fruit on the Tree of Knowledge?"

Richard: "Okay, so this one is just a stoned hippie. Weed is not a fruit, fuckhead!"


Colonel Bat Guano said...

Here's an article strangely relevant to today's post. It's about how male bed bugs avoid getting mounted and mated by other males.


Anonymous said...

I smell a Kip-fucking.

...seriously, someone let that stank out.

the editorial board said...

I often think Dr. X skips the actual posts and comes straight to the comments section to bang Chip!

--but, even so, we're happy to provide a forum for you gentlemen to air your grievances!

Anonymous said...

First, I just want to rehash the conversation on The Sheriff's comments about his 'girlfriend.' If Dr. Nog's comment that The Sheriff was suggesting who is the 'bottom' in the relationship, let us be informed by a conversation between the Vic Vinegar and Hugh Honey wealthy homosexual couple (It's Always Sunny, season 5 episode 1 [maybe 2, too drunk to remember]) discussing who was the bottom. After this rather moving discussion on who was the bottom in a feigned gay relationship, dominance of the other soon shifted to being the 'power bottom,' suggesting that even gays are capable of the machismo and male-posturing that The Sheriff is guilty of in today's sports section. I suggest that, by some strange and indirect deduction-- fueled by our good friends at Anheuser-Busch and their fine products--that maybe Collins is actually the one that wears the pants; or in relative terms, that he is the 'power bottom,' the one that generates most of the power (or that Cole is gay, whichever our readers prefer--[I know what Kip chooses, as he is the power-less bottom most nights]). Anyways, aside from that tangle of complete fucking stupidity, the UDK was moving today. I would like to say that maybe it was I that phoned in to say that I masturbate when I hear neighbors having sex. Albeit from a time previous in my life, that was one of the joys of my mature adult life. Hearing some skinny, white guy rail his unfortunate looking girlfriend into the railing of his bed that was in sequence, railed into my living room wall gave me a fine amount of fodder to polish the the tip on my walking cane on numerous occasions. And the joy of looking into their beady eyes the next day as I waltzed out of my apartment that reeked of reefer was the icing of the cake...and on the couch, carpet, bedsheets, toilet seat and wherever else I chose to jerk it. So, with this, I propose one question to all in one glorious summation of today's blog: What if the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge were masturbation?

Green Man! said...

Classic Sunny reference and all-around hilarious response!

My neighbors must fuck quietly.

scene from secret of my success said...

Daily publication of the Free For All only serves to further diminish the relevance or value of my degree from KU.