The LC's Week in Review

Readers, let's catch up on a few important things that happened while we were all on vacation.

1) The boys befriended a new waitress at Quinton's who looks like a sexy librarian and (if pornography has taught us anything) is surely an out-of-control sex maniac below that reserved exterior. She joined the boys briefly to discuss a wrestling match playing in the bar in which a group of lovely female pilgrims defeated a group of gorgeous Indian savages. "You know, this could potentially be seen as politically incorrect," said the waitress (proving her intelligence). Richard vowed later to "bang her between now and Christmas, maybe while watching wrestling."

2) Richard attended a post-Thanksgiving East-Side celebration during which he and King Tosser attempted to explain the genre of "twee" to the new president of the East Side (using the Transmittens as their primary local example). Adam, the evening's "special guest," who traveled all the way from the hipster epicenter of Williamsburg for this event, revealed none of the depravity witnessed in his many recent comments on this blog: his behavior revealed not a single one of his many fetishes involving Chip and gourds. And in the evening's best line, our host, a local reverend, inadvertantly summed up the laid-back EastSide mindset: "I thought I had successfully baby-proofed that room, but when I checked again I found a knife, some matches, and a bucket of nails."

3) Local hipster-favorites Rooftop Vigilantes scored a major coup in the recording of their second record: they are working with noted DC-based producer J. Robbins (of Jawbox, Murder By Death, etc). The title of their second album is "Real Pony Glue." Take a minute, readers, and rearrange those letters.

That's right. It's an anagram of Replay Lounge.

The LC Is On Vacation

See you next week, readers, for more stories involving hipsterism, holiday gift ideas, and the almost-certain firing of Coach Mang.no (surely Joe College is currently modifying their shirts from "Our Coach is Phat" to "Our Coach Is Phired!").

The Boys Consider Adam Lambert's Controversial AMA Performance

Like most Americans, the boys gather around the watercooler on Monday mornings to discuss football scores and important pop-culture moments. Obviously, the thing on everyone's mind this morning was Adam Lambert's closing performance at last night's American Music Awards, which contained simulated oral sex and a make-out session between Lambert and his male keyboardist. The performance was edited before being broadcast on the West Coast. (Chip: "Isn't that the part of the country least likely to be offended?").

Did the boys enjoy the performance?

Chip: "I know you all expect me to say something about the increasing 'homosexualization' of American culture, but if we're honest with ourselves on this one we have to admit that the performance was surprisingly...arousing."

Richard: "Lambert's good, but I voted for Kris Allen."

But let's check in with an on-line talkbacker to gain a different view:

DeeJan says: "Adam Lambert showed a autrocious display I have ever witness on TV by him having a dancer with a hand on his head grinding him on his private area and then to top all of that putting his hand and pulling on another dancer (woman) private area. What kind of message is this sending out to our youth.. It made me sick.. I feel so sorry for his parents for that type of display.. His parents were so proud of him when he was on American Idol.. He needs to apologize for his actions. He made a statement about Freedom to express.. That freedom of expression is getting our children kidnapped and sexually abused then to be murdered. We already having problems with Porn being on the net."

Chip: "Can I change my mind now? I actually agree with DeeJan."

The Boys Consider the Farmer's Ball Results / Hipster PIck of the Day

Readers, we're sad to report that Cloud Dog, clearly the most interesting band of this weekend's Farmer's Ball competition, has lost out to yet another waify hipster songstress, Katlyn Conroy (who joins a line of similar winners such as the ukulele-playing Hawley Shoffner and Susanna Johannes, she of the rhyming name). Ah well, whether or not we agree, it's our duty as hipsters to support her, and you can start by buying her album, which has an adorable cover, you must admit:




















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Tonight the Replay offers up Pitchfork-approved band, Digital Leather. Their album, Warm Brother, on the Fat Possum label, was awarded a very respectable 7.3 on the site's hipster scale. The opening line of the review, regarding the band's frontman, should tell you everything you need to know to understand why this show is important:

"Shawn Foree is just your typical Midwestern American-Lit student who plays "new-wave Nazi fag punk" (among other memorable epithets he's coined) under Jay Reatard management."

According to Pitchfork, the album's title combines "a Nazi reference and a gay joke ...(look it up)," and although we don't get the joke and don't want to look it up, we trust Pitchfork that this band's brand of political-incorrectness somehow makes them hip instead of juvenile.

Here's their album cover:

Richard Goes to the Farmer's Ball!

Luckily, Richard entered the Bottleneck for Larryville's annual battle of the bands competition just as his predicted winner, Cloud Dog, was beginning their set, and these shirtless, war-painted percussionists struck up a tribal groove so rhythmic, so powerful that even the most jaded hipsters had to fight back an urge to shake their skinny asses (one fellow in the audience balanced a beer can on his head, perhaps in some--racist?--reference to tribal women carrying water pots on their heads or perhaps just because he was a silly hipster). Cloud Dog's groove was as suited to the wilds of Wakarusa as it was to a bar setting, but it was impressive nonetheless. Three out of four PBR's (and maybe some 'shrooms!). The band has advanced to tonight's finals.

Next up was KJHK's DJ Avi. You're a DJ, not a band, dickhead. And if you keep exhorting people to dance, play something besides that shoegazer shit. Zero PBR's. The crowd was unimpressed and most went outside to smoke. DJ Avi did not advance, and is probably crying today in the studio while spinning some very 'sad-bastard' tunes.

Then California Craisins took the stage, complementing their terrible band name with sunglasses and a style that sounded like a very boring version of The Flying Burrito Brothers. All very ironic, of course, but if they were serving as the house band at the Sandbar no one would get the joke and probably enjoy the hell out of it. One PBR. But somehow they advanced, beating out a later band which featured glockenspiels and a cute hipster chick on harmonies. What has this town come to?

Richard went home, leaving King Tosser there to bang a lady drummer.

See you at the Jackpot for tonight's finals. Go Cloud Dog!

The Boys Consider The Proposed Downtown Rickshaw Business! / Also: Noodles and Company Opens and The Farmer's Ball Begins!

Sometimes a remarkable idea comes along, readers, and today is one of those times:

"Lawrence resident Shane Powers is hoping to open a rickshaw business in downtown by the spring, if he can convince city leaders to create a new ordinance that allows for such a business" 'Think about it, if you are at the Granada and you want to get to Quinton’s, that is a pretty good walk,” Powers said. “I think I could get some business out of that crowd'" (LJ-World).

Chip: "Oh, he certainly could. I mean, if I'm shitfaced down at Brother's and need to head all the way up to Q's, I'd totally hail a rickshaw. And I hope these rickshaws are manned by homeless people, an idea first considered, of course, on Seinfeld."

Richard: "I just hope this rickshaw business doesn't try to operate within the student ghetto, because those things will be robbed like stagecoaches in the Old West."

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If you're anything like the boys, you'll be dining at downtown's newest chain, Noodles and Company, which has its grand opening today (Chip: "This weekend is about two things: noodles and the Twilight film.").

But if you've got time for anything else, the Farmer's Ball competition gets underway at the Bottleneck tonight before moving on (and getting hipper) at the Jackpot tomorrow for the finals.

The LC has lent its support to Cloud Dog (see yesterday's blog), but they'll be facing stiff competition from Hidden Pictures (pictured below) which features a Zooey-type chick who plays flutes and tambourines. That shit is ever-popular in Larryville.

The Boys Consider "The Twilight Saga: New Moon!" / Also: It's Farmer's Ball Weekend in Larryville!

The boys aren't huge fans of the Twilight series, but they always catch the midnight screenings of the new films for one simple reason: the midnight audience consists almost entirely of lonely 20 and 30-something women who are obsessed with screwing vampires and who, by the time the film lets out at 3:00 a.m, are horny enough to fuck any fellow with even a passing knowledge of Bella and Edward (Chip: "Plus, I actually look a bit like Robert Pattinson anyway.").

The most entertaining places to read Twilight reviews are fanboy websites like AICN, where the commentary ranges from the insightful to the...vulgar and hilarious:

let's take a look at a few excerpts.

First the insightful:

"Meyer has found a way to turn the dark, shadowy world of the vampire into the pink frilly lace and teddy bears of a little girl’s room, creating a vampire archetype so bad it will stand for generations as an example of how badly classic monsters can be re-invented."

And then the vulgar and hilarious:

There comes a point when you just have to ask yourself: how many supernatural creatures is this girl going to cocktease and have to endure them regaling her with speeches about how they don’t want to hurt her – and by hurt her mean beat the ever loving shit out of her before eating her...And when Bella loses her vampire and begins leading a werewolf around by the dick, you’ve got to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this girl."

And this:

"When a werewolf discusses his nature by saying that “it isn’t a lifestyle choice” – that he was born the way he is – it would almost be forgivable if he and his four muscle bound buddies weren’t marching around in jean shorts and nothing else. These guys were a Weather Girls song away from being a parade all their own...".

And this:

"If you see this, see it with beer or with promise of sex afterward. Just don’t let her lather up your dong in body glitter. You have to draw the line somewhere."

Chip: "The only way I see any movie is with beer or promise of sex afterward, but I'm okay with the dong-glitter."

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Readers, this is the weekend of an important Larryville event: The Farmer's Ball. Yes, Larryville's longest-running battle-of-the-bands is back again to reward a local indie-band or some ukulele-playing hipster waif with a few hours in a recording studio. The competition kicks off tomorrow at the Bottleneck, and the boys' money this year is on a band called Cloud Dog.

Here's why:

"The group is a kindred spirit to freaked-out experimental acts like Dan Deacon, Animal Collective, and Fuck Buttons, building songs out of jarring sample juxtapositions and loopy beats. The insanity is held together by addictive rhythms that invite dancing and/or beating on the nearest non-living thing (or living, if he/she is into that sort of thing). Bring a drum and some war paint and you can hop onstage and get in on the action — there are no boundaries at a Cloud Dog show." (Lawrence.com).

Richard: "There seems to be a new trend among local acts to introduce this sort of 'hippie' spirit to a hipster crowd that wouldn't be caught dead at some outdoor guitar-noodling/drum-circle jamband festival but thinks the same thing is cool when presented in the comfortable environs of a TapRoom or a Jackpot (I'm looking at you 'Ad Astra Arkestra and Drumline'). I know Cloud Dog will be getting my vote, and I'll be on-stage covered in warpaint and playing the bongos."

This Week in Local News: Cockfighting Comes To Douglas County / Also: Developing Football News

Yesterday 118 gamecocks, 48 hens and three chicks were seized in Douglas County and two men were arrested on charges of cockfighting. The news was greeted with dismay by local "urban chicken" advocates and with glee by on-line talkbackers, who found the story ripe for the making of dick jokes.

What do the boys think?

"I guess I'm sort of surprised this sport has infiltrated such a liberal county, but down in Forttt Scottt it's just something we do on weekends in the back room of Rusty's Saloon. My own gamecock is called Little Chippie."

The LJ-World provides a picture of the cockfighting operation, which makes one wonder why it took people so long to wonder why these rednecks had a yard full of fighting chickens.














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After five consecutive losses, it was inevitable that talk of firing Coach Mang.no would surface. Players met yesterday with Athletics Director Lew Perk.ns to level serious charges of excessive "physical contact" against the "Phat" man (as he is affectionately known on those shirts we all bought at Joe College).

Should he stay, or should he go now?

Chip: "Five losses alone is enough to oust him. And Rees.ng should be shot like a broken-down horse."

Richard: "Let's toss S.lf out too after that near-loss to Memphis last night and start fresh."

The Boys Consider the NY-Times New Theories About Cougars!

Just because we haven't written about the phenomenon of "cougars" in awhile doesn't mean we've quit thinking about them (and banging them). An important article in yesterday's NY-Times "Sunday Styles" section entitled "In Cougar Territory, Cubs Take The Lead," suggests that it's no longer primarily the sexually ravenous older women who are doing the hunting but rather the cubs themselves, who are seeking out more experienced females due to their boredom with women their own age. A 27-year old graphic designer quoted in the piece, for instance, says he's grown weary of women who are into "immature partying and drinking, and being stupid and irresponsible."

Chip: "After two shots of Jagermeister, a sorostitute will do anything a cougar will do, sexually, and look--and feel--a hell of a lot better doing it. Cougars feel like worn leather."

The article also tipped the boys' off to the increasing popularity of "cougar/boy toy" speed-dating events and the existence of a website called www.urbancougar.com which advises cubs on popular cougar "dens" across the nation (such as Austin's in Olathe, Kansas!) and features elements such as the "cougar of the month," "cub chronicles," and "cougar confessions."

The boys have been enjoying the site so far and have found some excellent Christmas gifts (for themselves) in the merchandise section, such as this "urban cougar mousepad":



















See you at Austin's in Olathe!

The Boys' Fashion Column is Back! / And Another Take on Those Darlins' from the Pitch's Wayward Blog

One of the boys' favorite local events occurred last week: KU's Project Runway challenge, in which local designers get a chance to show off their looks and have them judged by a contestant from the popular series.

Scenemaker A. Ruscin was on hand to photograph the proceedings (of course), and here we offer a glimpse of one of the boys' favorite pieces of the evening:




Chip: "This look seems to combine the feel of abstract art with the practicality of the ever-sexy 'litte black dress' in such a way that suggests the model is both playful and fuckable, although I suppose it would be hard to kiss her through that damn bamboo or whatever it is."

Richard: "I can totally see myself wearing this headgear, perhaps to an intimate dinner party or even a casual night out at the Replay."










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Nick Spac.k seems like a nice enough guy but his reviews on the Pitch's Wayward Blog (he's their Larryville correspondent) often differ with Richard's own views (as well as those of local hippies, who raked Nick over the coals for weeks after he trashed their beloved jammy/bluegrass band Railroad Earth).

Nick was far less enthralled than Richard with Friday's Those Darlins' gig, deeming them an unworthy headliner who couldn't possibly live up to the shenanigans of the incarcerated King Khan and BBQ show:

"Let's just put it this way: if you put three attractive young women in tight outfits on stage, and have the rather busty bass player jump up and down for the entire set, and I'm still having trouble finding anything interesting in the band, you might want to mix things up a little bit."

Richard: "Bouncy titties and lyrics like 'I got drunk and I ate chicken' were more than enough for me, Spac.k!"

However, Nick's review is certainly worth checking out for his pictures alone, and we'll leave you with two of them. First is Midnight Luxury, the Spook Lights' gogo dancer. Nick writes, "When your gogo dancer is a fellow with a beard and a heart shaved into the hair on his beer belly, you're not going for sexy, so much as "would you look at that?"





















And here's one of Jessi Darlin':

















Chip: "She's an attractive gal, but she's no Midnight Luxury. That's for sure."

The Boys Book Club Is Back To Discuss the Palin Memoir / KU Sports On-Line Talkbacker of the Day: Lighthawk!

Like most of America, the boys have reserved their copies of Sarah Palin's memoir Going Rogue, which will be released later this week.

The advance review in the NY-Times criticizes Palin's "annoying tendency to gratuitously drop the names of lots of writers and philosophers — in the course of this book, she quotes or alludes to Pascal, Plato, Aristotle, Thomas Paine, Pearl S. Buck, Mark Twain and Melville."

Richard: "She may be smarter than I think, but I'd still wager 50 bucks she hasn't read more than 10 pages of Moby Dick."

Chip: "This promises to be the biggest seller in Forttt Scottt since the last book of the Left Behind series. We're not so much interested in the politics, but we're hoping she has some good tips on the best ways to skin a moose."

The NY-Times also usefully provides an excerpt from the first paragraph:

“I breathed in an autumn bouquet that combined everything small-town America with rugged splashes of the Last Frontier."

See you at Borders.

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The KU football team has now suffered five consecutive losses, and even their most fervent fans are jumping ship at this point. In this post from the KU-Sports message board, "Lighthawk" explains how the losses are connected to the early season football/basketball brawl:

"We "Mel Gibson" theorists have been claiming that sports, battles and war contain 3 factors: preparation ( a battle plan) , the heavy hammer (talent or firepower) and emotion (confidence or swagger). Since the time of the fight with the BB team, this FB has lost every week. This crew was told stop fighting or even hinting at conflict with the BB team, no we aren't going to talk about it, and no we aren't going to disucss who is at fault and I don't care if several of them ganged up on a few of you, the discussion is over before it starts, no we don't care to let you get your gripes on the table, just drop it & play ball, or I'll kick your arse to Mars and back. How would the marines take Iwo Jima if you stripped them of their dignity."

Chip: "100% right, Lighthawk! If you tell these men to be pussies off the field and forget about their grudges, how can we expect them to rip the fucking heads off their enemies on the field?"

Richard: "I was able to take my own small revenge on some Nebraska fans after the game last night. After growing weary of giving various groups of drunk NU fans directions to the Sandbar, I started sending them to the Replay instead."

Weekend Hipster Coverage: Richard Reviews Local "Theatre" and a Jackpot Show!

Last night proved once and for all that Drakkar Sauna can convince local hipsters to watch anything, even a 30 minute (by which they meant one hour) "play" based on Wallace Cochran's new book based on Drakkar Sauna's new album which seemed to be some sort of alternate history about how Andrew Jackson, Margaret Hamilton (of Wizard of Oz), Fritz Lang, and (most of all) Nicola Tesla (a hipster favorite) contributed to the history of "rocketry." Truly it was interminable and reminded this reviewer of the Andy Kaufman sketch where he simply takes the stage and reads from The Great Gatsby until people finally get bored and revolt. Only these hipsters would never think of revolting. They would simply stand still and pretend they were watching something important for fear of leaving and being labeled unhip for looking like they didn't "get" it.

This reviewer watched every minute.

On the bright side, it did end with a lovely rendition of "This World Is Not My Home" performed by a motley crew of local musicians. Oh, and cake was served.


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In need of something a little less "cerebral" after the stimulating performance, Richard headed down to the Jackpot to catch up with rockabilly favorites The Spook Lights, who have finally realized the one thing their act has been lacking for these past few years: a shirtless, pastie-wearing "gogo dancer" called Midnight Luxury who absolutely thrilled the crowd. The Spook Lights, playing behind him, were rendered almost irrelevant.

Afterwards, a trio of wild hellcats from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, called Those Darlins took Richard back to his southern roots with a blistering set of, oh, let's call it cowpunk. He spent most of the evening picturing himself buried under a pile of Darlins' and will be insanely jealous if his companion, King Tosser, banged one or all of them later in the evening.

The evening's headliner, hipster garage-rock favorites King Khan and BBQ Show, were unable to attend because they were arrested two nights prior somewhere in Kentucky.

Photo of the Darlins from a recent Mercury Lounge show via interweb:

This Week in Larryville / Recent Concert Reviews

In this new series, we try to offer a concise summary of the most important local events for those of you who are too lazy to tune in on a daily basis. Here we go:

Following their fourth consecutive loss, KU football message boards were bombarded with thoughts this week regarding Rees.ng's mysterious, increasingly poor performances. One prominent theory: a little too much cocaine use at Johnny's each Thursday (Richard: "Well, it is widely known that Thursday is 'cocaine night' at Johnny's.").

Plans to blow up part of the old Kansas River bridge along the Kansas Turnpike were finalized: first blast is this Sunday at 12:30. Local rednecks are invited to a 'watch party' at Burcham Park. (Chip: "Finally, an event for the rest of us!").

Plans were also finalized to launch three butterfly larvae (KU's beloved Monarchs) into space to reside on the International Space Station. After reading today's article, the boys can't really figure out the purpose, but it's still pretty fucking cool, don't you think? (Chip: "Butterflies are pretty.").

And finally, a dog, Tinker, missing for eight months, was reunited with his owner. Full story today on the front page of the LJ-World. (Richard: "There's no joke here, folks. It's just a lovely, inspiring story.").




















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Har Mar Superstar, the pudgy hipster rocker with the Prince-like voice and penchant for performing in his underwear, rocked KC this week. The boys couldn't make it, but luckily the Pitch's Wayward Blog sent their sole female reviewer out to cover the spectacle. Was she impressed?

"I know some people came to see Har Mar because they'd been promised the spectacle of some nasty dude who thinks he's Prince. I hope they realized that the guy's no joke. Sure, he took the stage in orange jeans, silver sneakers and an Egyptian-print dashiki over a shirt with parachute sleeves and gold-sequined arm cuffs...
The man has soul...I screamed for "Power Lunch" after the set's finale, "Tall Boy," but to no avail. Har Mar had a plane to catch. And I had to go wring out my underwear."

Richard: "It's not well-known, but hipster chicks are surprisingly slutty. The thing is, many impoverished hipster bands need a place to crash after shows, which provides plenty of opportunities for local hipster chicks to sleep with band members, which they do primarily for hipster bragging rights, such as: 'I totally blew the bass player from Satan's Persimmons back in the day when they were still playing the Replay and not even big enough to play the Jackpot.' "

Here's a picture of Har Mar in action:

The Boys Check In With the Second Installment of Anna Undercover's Local Stripper Blog! / Plus, 'Is It Art, Or Isn't It?' Is Back!

We suspected that Anna Undercover would be one of those one-time local bloggers, but she's proved us wrong, returning with a strong second entry detailing the top ten things she's learned so far as a stripper.

Here's one of them:

4) You don't have to have a perfect body to be considered sexy by customers and earn income. I weighed 117 when I started stripping. I now weigh about 135 and make the same money.

Chip: "Oh, so it's written by a fat stripper. Myself, I tend to inquire about weight before inviting a woman onto my lap for a lapdance. Anything over 110 is a bit uncomfortable to me."

And another:

10) The few men I have time to meet at bars and through dating sites are not threatened by my job. Hooray for secure guys! :)

Richard: "They are totally threatened, but the desire to fuck a stripper usually wins out."

You can read the full blog here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2009/nov/10/being-a-stripper-10-things-ive-learned-so-far/

And you should also enjoy the ever-stimulating talkback comments afterward, such as this one, by BigPrune:

"Most guys don't complain when they find out you're a stripper because you must have a great body, like to walk around in the nude, and maybe a little less uptight about having sex? Just assumptions. I highly doubt you'll be able to ever attract any relationship long term, because, you're a stripper."



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One of the boys' favorite local artists, Aaron Storck, who is known for playing a strange wizard character in his 'installations,' will be appearing at Wonder Fair's newest art opening this Saturday for a 'spoken-word' performance.

Here is a description of Storck's work from his website:

"The Wizard is the protagonist at the heart of Aaron Storck's theatrical mise-en-scene. Exaggerated and over-the-top, he dons the most ostentatious of wizard garb, burns incense, mutters invocations, and eats Doritos. He is at once inane and intelligent, powerful and innocuous, entertaining and enlightening. He is an artist, a philosopher, a public access evangelist, he is a cultural theorist, a politician, and a scientist. He is a complex character used by Storck to examine and question a complex world."

Chip: "He is an idiot."

Richard: "The Doritos symbolize the intrusion of the modern world on the sacred space once reserved for silent contemplation of life's deepest mysteries."

The Boys' Country Corner Is Back Again! / Also: This Week In Twitter News!

Since the Country Music Association awards are happening tonight, surely we should take a moment to re-open the "country corner." The boys certainly have a clear favorite in the "song of the year" category this time around, and that song is Billy Currington's "People Are Crazy," which recounts a meeting in a bar in which a younger man receives some sage advice from an older man, which boils down to this (the chorus):

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy."

Richard: "At first glance, the song's abandonment of its parallel, hierarchical structure in the final phrase/punch-line is somewhat annoying, grammatically. But then one realizes that the chaos of the writing style mirrors the existential crisis witnessed in the old man's declaration of life's inability to be understood, a philosophy that the young man inherits later in the song when he repeats the phrase while leaving a 'six-pack right there on his [the old man's] grave.' Tough stuff, and kudos to the country music establishment for continuing to explore the world in all its complexity while everyone else is listening to...Lady Gaga or something."

Chip: "Great song, but it's just not believable to me as male barroom discussion due to the complete absence of women in the chorus. How about 'God is great, beer is good, pussy is neat, and people are crazy.' Or even a simple 'women are crazy.'"


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Well, we all know that certain Twitter users have gotten book deals based on their witty "tweets," but now a Twitter site called "Shit My Dad Says" is soon to become...a CBS television sitcom (presumably with the name softened to 'Stuff My Dad Says'). How this will be different from any of the other inane sitcoms on CBS remains to be seen, but let's take a look at a few posts, and you can read more at the site itself (you'll certainly want to!): http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."


Chip: "Between this, Cougar Town, and VH1's Sex Rehab, television is getting really good."

Richard Reviews the Dirty Projectors' Concert / The Boys' Video Game Report

The Granada was not full for the Dirty Projectors' first-ever trip to Larryville, but the hipsters in attendance were so very hip that each one of them made up for five normal hipsters at least. And from the moment when opening act Tune Yards' vocalist took the stage by performing a few whale calls, looping them, backing them up with a hip-hop beat, and tuning her ukulele, we knew we were in for something special. It was simply an added bonus that her voice was absolutely amazing, so much so that the Talking Heads-y schtick of the (surprisingly accessible) Dirty Projectors soon paled by comparison (apart from their equally impressive female harmony vocals). Notorially pompous Projectors' frontman Dave Longstreth, perhaps embarrassed to have left New York to play for a half-full room of Midwestern rubes, barely acknowledged the audience all night except to remark on the eerie "Lynchian" shadows along the empty back of the room. Even so, the remark was enough to win Richard over, since he has seen everything Lynch has done three times at least, and he soon began to believe that he was just as hip as Longstreth. This illusion was shattered, however, at the bar, where Richard friend's Heather, formal kickball star turned dodgeball wizard, was given a special "dodgeball discount" on a fine Free State ale while her friend, the newly elected East Side President, was given a special cup larger than anyone else's. And Richard? Richard was charged an exorbitant price for a shitty beer in a tiny cup.

Three PBR's out of four for the concert. Zero PBR's for the hipster bartenders. Cute hipster drawing courtesy of interweb (click to enlarge and study):

















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Like all red-blooded American geeks, the boys have taken the day off to play the just-released, most-anticipated new video game of the season: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. In a NY-Times piece, a young man explains his devotion to the game:

"Patrick Kienbauer, an 18-year-old student in Austria, said the game's last installment, which has sad background music and a ''comfortless ambiance,'' let him ''feel the cruelty and violence of war.''"

Chip: "Yeah, right. If we wanted to think about the cruelty of war we'd all be going to see these liberal anti-war films that Hollywood keeps trying to feed us. The Messenger, with Woody Harrelson? Give me a break. We play Modern Warfare because we want to shoot a bunch of motherfucking terrorists!"

Richard: "I believe that The Messenger, with Woody Harrelson, is going to be a very good film."

Hipster Pick of the Day: Dirty Projectors! / And the Boys' Consider the 40th Anniversary of Sesame Street

With New York's pompous darlings of the experimental art-rock scene slated to take the stage tonight, Richard has spent most of the day with Bitte Orca on repeat and practicing some commentary that might impress the uber-hipster chicks who are sure to be in attendance tonight:

"Bitte Orca is a good record--very good, in fact--but there's just something to be said for 2007's Rise Above, their effort to reimagine Black Flag's Damaged supposedly without actually having listened to that record in many years. Don't you think it makes a powerful point about how our memory of one's formative pop culture influences is far more relevant than the actual concrete nature of those artifacts?"

By the end of that little speech, surely any hipster girl will be ready to put down her PBR and make out with him.

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The boys' are suckers for pop-culture milestones and this week brings an important one: the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. Are the boys still fans?

Chip: "So many children's shows these days seem targeted just as much at the stoner crowd, such as Spongebob Squarepants, so I do like the fact that Sesame Street has remained resolutely 'square' and didactic. But the messages it sends are still disturbing. According to yesterday's NY-Times piece on the anniversary, the emphasis on the importance of diversity, disturbing enough, has now given way to screeds about issues of health: 'Sesame Street” [now] takes the Muppets, rhymes and visual verve that were developed to instill tolerance, racial pride and equality, to preach exercise and healthy eating.'" (NY-Times)

The NY-Times piece points out that even Cookie Monster has learned a few important things about nutrition:

"...Cookie Monster’s palate was refined during Season 36 as part of the show’s “healthy habits for life” campaign. He now also gobbles fruits and vegetables, which are labeled by the show as “anytime” foods while cookies are held in reserve as “sometime” food. And almost every episode has a subliminal message about exercise and nutrition, along with a fruit bowl."

Chip: "For some of us, cookies remain an 'anytime' food. Even so, I suppose I'd still let my children watch it, but I'd make it very clear to them that Bert and Ernie are not gay. They just enjoy each other's company, much like The Sherriff and Coll.ns."

LJ-World Sports Headline of the Day / Tonight's Hipster Pick: Giggle Party!

Despite four consecutive losses by a football team falling apart at the seams, the LJ-World is not yet ready to give up on their beloved Jayhawks. Tom Keegan's opinion piece today offers us the following somewhat mysterious, confusing, Zen-like headline that attempts to downplay yesterday's K-State victory:

"K-State Wins By Not Losing"

Chip: "Is a little journalistic truth too much to ask here? Today's headline should read: 'KU Loses By Sucking Real Hard' or, even better, 'Rees.ng: He's Got To Be On Drugs, Right?'"

Richard: "At least the arrival of basketball season has relieved us of the burden of caring, and I look forward to many more articles about the continued 'relationship' between The Sheriff and Coll.ns. I heard they recently went out for ice cream!"

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If you can't wait till the next Transmittens' gig for a dose of adorable indie electro-pop, you may want to consider Texas's Giggle Party at the Replay tonight.

The Dallas Observer says:

"Somewhere between pop-punk and anarchic electro-comedy, this mischievous quartet--and those brave enough to get close--were sodden with cupcake icing, malt liquor, silly string and sweat."


Please, watch their wonderful sing-along video of "Jason Bought a Hatchet" on their Myspace page:

www.myspace.com/wearegiggleparty

Larryville's "Missed Connections" on Craigslist! / Also, Hilarious Twitter Story of the Day: MSNBC Gets Hacked!

The boys are huge fans of Craigslist, which has assisted them many times in selling and buying stupid shit as well as getting laid (although its recent crackdown on prostitution is disappointing). Let's take a look today at the "missed connections" section of Larryville's Craigslist for a touching look at one of our lovelorn citzens. Was this written by a 12-year old, a foreigner, or Chip? There's just no way to be sure, but we wish this person well in re-connecting with their Mirth waitress:

"you brought me water and a delicious breakfast burrito then you laughed at me twice when i we were leaving. i don't think that i had anything on my face or like a boner or nothing, you just giggled, twice. i'm not mad or offended, it just not everyday... well, usually when pretty ladies laugh at me it is because of a sloppy face or a boner. was there something i was missing? if you respond to this, i will come in every morning you work, fumble around with some juices, look at the menu and then leave without ordering anything, just so you can smile and shake your head at me.


•Location: the mirth around 11

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The ever-liberal MSNBC's Twitter site was hijacked yesterday by witty hackers who began "tweeting" such messages as:

"WOW. Chris Matthews SUCKS. A douchebag like him is probably getting a blowjob from another pussy liberal..."

and

"We love Sean Hannity. Cum all over us Glenn Beck!!"

and

"Barack Obama is a stupid fucking socialist."

Chip: "Obviously, this is the first important step in a major conservative uprising. The next will probably be making a prank phone call to Keith Olbermann."

The Boys Consider the State of American Comedy / Also: Metal Pick of the Day

Richard tries hard to stay abreast (Chip: "Abreast is a sexy word") of everything important in popular culture but occasionally certain things fly under his radar, such as the extreme popularity of comic/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. Aside from his hugely popular new Comedy Central program, Dunham is, according to a recent NY-Times piece, "the third-highest-earning comedian in America, after Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock" and THE highest-earner based on ticket sales alone.

So what has Richard been missing? Let's take a look at some quotes from the Times profile regarding Dunham's act:

"Peanut, a hyperactive purple Muppetish dummy, kicked off his portion of the show just by saying different words for breasts — “bodacious ta-tas” got the biggest laugh — and closed with a bit about ordering Chinese food, done in a preposterous Fu Manchu accent."

"...a shtick with a skeleton in a turban named Achmed the Dead Terrorist — is currently the ninth-most-watched video of all time on YouTube."<

"Dunham’s live audiences spend $8 per head on merchandise, which is more than most rock bands average...Vahldick, a mustachioed automotive instructor in his 50s, was about to drop $100 on two plush dolls. He couldn’t help himself. “Peanut’s a stitch,” he told me. “Absolutely a stitch.”

Richard: "Certainly at the LC we have no problem with 'dummy' humor, since 'Chip' is essentially our dummy, but I like to think we're using him to interrogate aspects of the culture whereas Dunham is just using his dummies to reinforce offensive things which much of his audience actually believes."

Chip: "I thought I was just here to make stupid boner jokes. I mean, look at that parenthetical statement from me up above. It's simply there to make a joke about titties. Anyway, in Forttt Scottt, my friends have some of those plush Achmed dolls and they often sit around of an evening acting out the Dead Terrorist routines. It's absolutely a stich. People don't need to go and see Dunham for some clever interrogation of cultural foibles. We've got Dane Cook for that."

Richard: "Well, at least the theater remains our last bastion of intellectualism, as one can tell from this line regarding a new work on Broadway starring Willem Defoe: "[Defoe] will don a frilly 18th-century costume and lead a giant anthropomorphic duck around the stage by its genitals in Richard Foreman’s surrealist play “Idiot Savant.”


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If you're a metalhead, you don't need us to tell you that Valient Thorr is at the Jackpot tonight. But for the rest of you hipsters, surely you can't resist a band from Venus in Viking costumes with band member names such as "Dr. Professor Nitewolf Strangees" and a devoted following known as "Thorriors?"

See you in the mosh pit!

A Larryville Case On Judge Judy! / Plus, the Boys Have a New Favorite Blog

Larryville's Bigg's Barbecue is widely known as the fratty barbecue joint (just as Yokohama is the sorority sushi joint), but owner Doug Holiday was so upset at his recent exorbitant fine for serving alcohol to a fake ID-using underage patron that he took his case all the way to the most respected court in the land, Judge Judy, after learning that the patron's fine for using a fake ID was actually less than the bar owner's.

The episode is slated to air locally today at 4:00 and the restaurant is hosting a watch party which "will include a special fake ID amnesty program. Holiday will give anyone turning in their fake ID a $10 gift certificate. Holiday then will destroy the fake IDs, not turn them into the police — or Judge Judy" (LJ-World).

Richard: "Yes, I'm sure kids will come out of the woodwork to let Holiday burn their beloved fakes in exchange for ten dollars worth of shitty ribs smothered in Bigg's special 'Jagermeister sauce.'"

Chip: "This is destined to be the most important case since Roe v. Wade."

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Imagine the boys' delight (and erections) when yesterday they stumbled across a new blog on the LJ-World written by a local stripper who works at the Outhouse! Calling herself "Anna Undercover," the author offers her mission statement in her inaugural blog:

"I am not here to tell you how to feel about me, or my job. I am not here to tell you anything at all, really. Rather, I am writing this blog to show you stripping in Lawrence, Kansas, and offer you a source of information on an industry that appears at once both over- and under-exposed."

Chip: "The first problem is that she didn't bother to 'show' us a picture of herself."

True enough, but her profile information is quite intriguing. "Anna" loves movies ranging from Pineapple Express (not surprising) to Nights of Cabiria (pretty surprising).

Richard: "I'm totally going to get a lapdance from this chick while discussing Fellini with her."

Her first post offers none of the sordid details one might expect but instead focuses on her love of the job in a tone of almost-childlike wonder:

"Stripping feels amazingly different than I expected. What I was brought up to see as humiliating now feels so exciting and empowering. At a place we will affectionately refer to as the East Lawrence Ballet (ELB), I'm on top of customers physically and as well as in conversation. I have at least something most of them want: a pretty face to look at, skillful repartée, and other desirable aspects of the girlfriend (or even just friend) experience. A professional party girl, I gently but firmly guide every interaction from clever "pick-up" lines, through entertaining anecdotes and engaging conversation, to buying a lap dance. The challenge is a fun one and I have a great time doing it."

Chip: "It's really nice to know that the women enjoy grinding on my lap as much as I enjoy them doing it. I always suspected it was a beneficial transaction for everyone involved, but now I have the proof to go along with the boners."

You can read "Anna"s blog here:

http://www2.ljworld.com/weblogs/anna-undercover/2009/nov/03/i-am-a-stripper/

Pitchfork Reviews the New Moon Soundtrack and the Boys Pay a Visit to Their Favorite Fashionista After a Long Absence!

The premiere of the new Twilight film, New Moon, is still a few weeks away, but luckily the soundtrack has arrived to satisfy us all until we can get our cinematic fix of tween-age vampires who don't have sex. The soundtrack features a roster of heavy-hitter hipster bands such as Grizzly Bear and St. Vincent. Does this mean we must completely reject these bands as having sold their souls in the name of mainstream mediocrity (Richard: "Certainly it does.") or should we perhaps give the album, and perhaps even the film, a chance (Chip: "Perhaps.").

Let's see what Pitchfork thinks.

They give it a 5.4 and write:

"New Moon's soundtrack is melancholy and nocturnal, as befits the book where Edward leaves protagonist Bella for her own good, but it repeats some mistakes from past indie OST close-ups. Yeah, of course, indie rock is "just" pop music, but the companion CDs to Garden State, and TV shows such as "The O.C.", "Gossip Girl", and "Grey's Anatomy" (all at one time helmed by New Moon music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas) over-emphasized indie's adult-contemporary streak. By contrast, the Slumdog Millionaire, I'm Not There, and Sofia Coppola film soundtracks work partly because they share the same restless disregard for boundaries that indie listeners-- ideally, at least-- aspire toward."

Chip: "Did they just give away the ending of the film? However, they do reference some of my favorite recent albums here, such as the soundtracks to Grey's Anatomy, so I'll probably pick this up the next time I'm at Starbucks."

Richard: "Sharp analysis here in the final lines. Take the Transmittens, for instance. Those adorable fuckers could easiy write a blockbuster adult-contemporary hit but instead they choose to challenge a listener's expectations by replacing the sacharine melodies and banal metaphors of that tripe with the plinks of toy guitars and obscure references to things such as 'sparklemittens.' So I say let Grizzly Bear become the soundtrack to the boring vampire sex-dreams of millions of tweens if that's what they want. There's better stuff out there than them anyway."


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It's been a long time since we've checked in with our friend Katy over at www.kansascouture.com, but if you're anything like the boys a single question has been nagging you since Halloween: what was Katy's costume?

As it turns out, she was Mad Men's Betty Draper:













Richard: "I'd like to be her Don Draper for an evening or two, if you catch my meaning."

Chip: "I don't, but I love this frock!"

Unintentionally Hilarious LJ-World Sports Article of the Day / Also, The Boys Examine the UDK's "Free For All"

Readers, it's an important day in Larryville. The KU men's basketball season gets underway tonight, meaning that we can officially forget about the increasingly-shitty football team altogether (Chip: "If I saw Reesing on the street today, I'd spit in his eye.").

Today's LJ-World offers yet another of their recent pieces which emphasize the ever-evolving "relationship" between team leaders Cole Aldr.ch and Sherron Coll.ns, which contains this line:

"With each passing day, it continues to be difficult — if not impossible — for anybody to differentiate between the inseparable KU teammates/best buddies..." (LJ-World).

Richard: "Actually, if you can just remember that one of them is short and the other is freakishly tall, and that one of them is white and the other is black, it's really not that difficult to tell them apart."

The prior quote is followed by this statement from Aldr.ch regarding Coll.ns: "“It’s almost kind of like he’s the girlfriend and I’m the guy" (LJ-World).

Chip: "I think what he means to say is that Coll.ns is the 'bottom' in that relationship. Isn't that the proper terminology?"

---

Perhaps the most-read column in local journalism is not Tom Keeg.n's sports opinion pieces in the LJ-World or the boys' profound discussions of whether something is art or not on the LC, but the UDK's "Free For All," a celebration of free speech which prints random comments submitted by students so long as they are not slanderous (and sometimes even if they are).

On a recent evening at Quinton's, Cl.thier, a local poet, was holding court on how the "Free For All" served as a perfect illustration of society's "continual downward spiral into anti-intellectualism and moral decay," so we've decided to take a look at the ever-popular UDK feature, focusing on a single day's column (Mon. Nov. 2), to see what it truly reveals about Larryville's student population. Here are a few entries along with commentary from the boys:

"I quite enjoy my boyfriend's tonguery."

Richard: "At first glance, this could be taken as the remark of a drunken sorostitute, but a closer look suggests that it's more likely the blissful statement of a liberated woman enjoying orgasms for the first time after years of being dully drilled by shitfaced frat boys in the backs of SUV's. Notice her diction here: the 'quite enjoy' sounds like the speech of a lady who, to borrow a phrase from our old Quinton's compatriot Shawn, 'might well have attended a fine finishing school.' We should engrave this remark on a plaque and hang it up in the Women's Studies Department.

Chip: "I 'quite enjoy' the boner her comment gave me."

"When the righteous are in authority, the people rejoice. But when the wicked bear the rule, the people mourn."

Richard: "This is Proverbs 29.2, or so my Google search told me. Quite likely this is someone repeating a phrase he/she learned in a Religious Studies course which may well shape their thinking for years to come."

Chip: "Is this a reference to the Obama administration? Great minds think alike. I'd like to party with this writer."

"Never let it be said that I'm not a nice guy. When I heard people next door having sex, I put on Marvin Gaye for them."

Richard: "This one is a touching illustration of the respect one learns in a college environment where students must learn to live in very close quarters with one another."

Chip: "When I hear neighbors having sex, I masturbate. Every single time."

"How pathetic is it that my Halloween festivities ended at ten, but I haven't taken off my costume yet because I know I won't have another excuse to rock my suit for a long time."

Chip: "It's VERY pathetic."

Richard: "There's a terrifying existentialism at work in many of the 'Free for All' comments that would make for an important dissertation topic for someone."

"What if weed was the fruit on the Tree of Knowledge?"

Richard: "Okay, so this one is just a stoned hippie. Weed is not a fruit, fuckhead!"

The Boys' Favorite New Reality Show: VH1's "Sex Rehab!" / Also: Hipster Pick of the Day and Hipster Photo of the Day!

Ever since TV-Land's The Cougar ended its run the boys have been searching for a suitably sleazy reality-show replacement. Now they've found it! In the first episode of VH1's Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, a group of "celebrity" sex addicts (such as adult-film star Penny Flame) move into a large house and take a vow not to screw or masturbate. Upon arrival, Drew and his group of "experts" confiscate all the addicts' sex toys (apparently forgetting that it's possible to both screw and masturbate without them) and engage the addicts in counseling sessions, which mostly consist of women talking about how much they enjoy screwing and masturbating ("Once I start, I might as well call in and take the day off"). One can only assume the program will lead to high drama and a massive orgy, given the fact that these are, after all, a group of sex addicts living in close coed quarters.

Chip: "Somehow I suspect this show may end up increasing the number of sex addicts in the world. I know I beat off twice before the first commercial break while looking at Penny Flame."

Richard: "I know we're supposed to feel sympathy for these people, but I came away mostly jealous. Easily the best show on television right now."

Chip: "Take that, Mad Men!"

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Readers, we don't know much about the band called Electric Tickle Machine aside from the fact that their name is adorable and the Pitch offers this blurb: "With slapstick lyrics such as 'Buy a puppy/It'll make you more presentable,' the mustachioed group's performances are crowd-pleasing on multiple levels."

Isn't this enough to make you head to the Replay tonight, or will you wait till the weekend and check out the equally-adorably named Giggle Party?

Correct answer: See them both!

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The boys didn't make it to the Jackpot's recent "Super Nerd Night" featuring an evening of anime and video games, but based on the following shot from A. Ruscin's Lawrence.com slideshow, it seems like a good time. The guy seems to be trying to stifle a boner, which could have been caused by the proximity of the woman but is more likely due to the stupid alien/devil picture she's holding.

Halloween Replay Recap! / Plus, A Frightening Halloween Crime!

Some costumes are perennially hip at the Replay (Clockwork Orange's "droogs," for example). Others have a short shelf-life (come on, all you fucking Jokers, that was so last year...this year's cool superheroes are more obscure: congrats to that dude in the Rorchach mask from Watchmen, and also to Green Man, from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). Perhaps the most popular costume of the night was Mr. Giraffe, a fellow balanced on crutches with a towering giraffe head: his skillful backwards exit from the bar won a much-deserved round of applause. And in perhaps the night's most moving moment (aside from Richard's occasional boners when witnessing sexy firewomen and policewomen costumes) was when our loyal reader Beth, in town for the weekend, joined Adventureband on stage and won best-costume prizes for her and her friends' portrayal of Hocus Pocus's Sanderson sisters. Yes, a good time was had by all...except for those, like Chip, who were so frightened by the LJ-World's repeated warnings of crimes that would almost certainly occur due to the night's extra hour of partying and almost-full moon that they remained home cowering under their beds and eating candy.

As it turned out, the LJ-World was mostly wrong: Larryville was not razed to the ground, no one burned the Eldridge down (again), and as best as we can tell there was only one minor stabbing in the student ghetto, in which a "student sustained a non-life-threatening laceration to his arm" by a suspect "dressed in a 'Joe Dirt'-style costume. The suspect was wearing a long mullet-style wig with painted-on facial hair. He was also said to be wearing a long-sleeve red flannel shirt. The suspect was last seen heading north from the location on Ohio" (LJ-World).

Chip: "How do they know it was a costume? Maybe it was just a Topekan, or someone from Mizzou or K-State?"

Richard: "Or Forttt Scottt?"

Chip: "Hey, fuck you!"

We'll leave you with this picture from the LJ-World of a man "dressed as the painting "The Son of Man" by Rene Magritte during the Downtown Lawrence Trick-or-Treat event."

Chip: "This dude understands that art is scary!"