Cinco de Mayo Review / Local and National News Stories of the Week

Everybody knows that the boys are usually out Chronicling on Thursdays, but it's not as well known that they make other appearances as well, such as last night at the Sandbar for an evening of Cinco de Mayo-related fun. On this night, the boys met an interesting drunk man in the "promotions business" who was desperately searching for a local bar which he believed was called "The Tortoise" and that he thought was located at 6th and Kentucky. If such a place exists, it's unknown to the boys. Also spotted on this night: one of the most beautiful women yet seen in local bars, wearing a short, tight, black cocktail dress. When I see such a dress, Richard said (in his mind), the first thing I think about is removing it. At the bar, Hoss had a brainstorm, stating that the boys should come up with some "theme nights" for later Chronicles, such as visiting bars named for animals (The Pig, The Bull, The Dirty Bird). The boys stayed later than usual, hoping that a certain woman in the crowd might perform the nightly Hurricane bar dance. That didn't happen, but a dance WAS danced, and the boys lamented that the obligatory mermaid costume actually obscured what otherwise might have been an interesting upskirt view. Meanwhile, Richard drank the new Jimmy Buffet-brand beer known as "Land Shark," which he proclaimed "a low-rent Corona for dumb Parrotheads."

In local news, a petition is in the works to name a portion of 19th Street after coach Bill S.lf. Kip says: "It's a great idea. I've seen the guy's wang. I'd proudly strut down that Boulevard every single day, unless of course the man loses an important game in the future, in which case I'd set fire to that fucking street."

In national entertainment news, Scarlett Jo got engaged to actor Ryan Reynolds. Richard says: "It's just not fair. But at the same time, I don't think I could marry a girl who's attempting a whole record of Tom Waits cover songs. That's just silly."