Sunday, May 18, 2008

New Episode Review: The Hawk! / Plus, This Weekend in Local News: Richard Graduates!

Ever a gentleman, Richard avoided the Hawk for most of his stint in Lawrence, mainly because he felt it was inappropriate to sleep with current students. But just before graduation, the time finally came. If the boys must Chronicle every bar in town, that meant the Hawk had to be Chronicled. Richard imagined various scenarios in store for him. He expected hordes of frat boys, trashed on Jaeger, bumping chests while loudly debating who was better: Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson? He imagined that he could not take a single step without running face-first into sweet, firm, young sorority bosoms (in fact, he hoped for this). But the truth was that the place was largely deserted at this hour save for copious security guards and a trio of blondes who wandered in searching for cell phones they had lost the night before ("They lose their phones in here and then they lose their panties in the alley," Kip said with a knowing wink, as if he had firsthand knowledge: doubtful). With the place nearly empty, the boys were able to take a tour of its legendary cavernous interior which features numerous rooms, each one devoted to various wonderful and increasingly depraved sexual activities. "This is the Boom-Boom Room," Kip said of one of them. "I don't know what happens here, but I'll bet it's pretty awesome." But there was nothing especially awesome underway at this moment, and Richard vowed to visit once more, at a time when he's so drunk he can just roam through the rooms of ladies groping whatever is handy.

Later in the weekend, Richard attended graduation ceremonies and played host to a party at the Replay (featuring a rare Replay appearance by Dr. S. and wife, who arrived in time for some "music" by Drakkar Sauna). The ultimate star of the evening was not Richard himself, however, but the Z-Man, who was so upset when a spokesman from Camel forbid him from taking pictures of the concert that he spent the rest of the evening fuming, vowing to write a "scathing editorial" in the Journal World and, at one point, removing a sign that said "No Photography" and taping it to his chest.

The Chronicles will be posting sporadically in the coming weeks, but please check in periodically for some of your favorite features, including the much-anticipated "Kip Reads Penthouse Letters," which is rumored to be so filthy it will get us permanently kicked off the interweb (Kip, at home in Ft. Scott, will not be reading at all for fear his parents may discover the website in their computer history: come on, Kip! surely Mr. and Mrs. Kip will love this fucking shit!).


Dr. C said...

Well, you knew you went at the wrong time for the Hawk. But perhaps it was best for your first visit, so you could get the lay of the land: maybe the rest of the lays will follow

dr. n. said...

Yes, we were just getting our feet wet on the first visit. But next time we'll dive right into the seas of sororities.