Monday, February 14, 2011

The LC's Valentine's Day Guide

Whether you're a scenester or a townie, you've no doubt got plans and schemes to get laid on Valentine's Day, and this year most of those plans and schemes seem to involve copious amounts of Boulevard Chocolate Ale (Chip: "It's like getting hammered on liquid fudge.").

There are plenty of events for different tastes tonight. Basketball-loving townies will probably try to squeeze in a quick bang during halftime of the Sunflower Showdown, whereas academic types will be attending the campus lecture on Hitchcock from renowned film historian David Thomson and, afterwards, perhaps engaging in a little Jimmy Stewart/Grace Kelly/Rear Window roleplay. The usual scenesters will no doubt check out the "Valentine's Edition" of the Love Garden DJ's "Mess Around" night at the Jackpot.

But what if you're a traditionalist, a dinner-and-a-movie type. Perhaps a romantic dinner at 715 ("milk-braised pork neck" was a recent special) and some light-hearted cinema is calling your name? Topping the box-office right now is the new Adam Sandler rom-com Just Go With It, which easily earned $31 million despite a 19% Rotten Tomatoes approval rating and reviews such as this from Slate: "a comedy so noxious it seems the product of deliberate malignity. Surely the sour, vapid, miserable world of this movie can't reflect any real human being's notion of what love or humor or good storytelling is."

Chip: "I beg to differ, Dana Stevens. I've seen three different Sandler-gets-hit-in-the-crotch jokes in various trailers, and I laughed every time. And one can only assume they saved the best crotch-shots for the film itself."

Running neck and neck with the Sandler film is the 3D Justin Bieber documentary, Never Say Never, which earned $30 million and a surprising B+ from Entertainment Weekly's Owen Glieberman, eliciting this comment in the talkback: "Owen, are you a pederast?"

But perhaps the best bet for Valentine moviegoing is the Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher rom-com No Strings Attached, which, for at least part of its running time, champions the joys of casual sex: "...the two fornicate in hospital supply closets, in an old BMW, standing up against walls, and occasionally in bed, while their respective entourages cheer them on" (New Yorker).

Despite the implication of that New Yorker sentence, we're not sure that the "respective entourages" are actually present during all this fornicating, but nonetheless the review accomplishes what only the best reviews can: it gives us a boner.

Enjoy your Valentine's Day.


Capt Whosit said...

New Yorkers are well known for perverse and out-of-the-ordinary sexual fantasies and endeavors: screwing Natalie Portman in front of one's friends is par for the course for this New Yorker. And, it gives credence to the story when it later becomes my go-to tale that I recount to any poor bastard down at the Replay that'll listen.

Screw the Captain said...

I propose we have the captain bring back some much needed culture with him next time he returns from Gotham City.

So I hereby begin the internet campaign to get Natalie Portman to come to Lawrence for the purpose of publicly screwing the Captain at the first Replay patio show of the season.

Saint Patty's Day, maybe? (a great day for exposing all those green pickles.)

The Capt said...

I hereby support that campaign fully--erect. Let it begin!

exposed pickles said...

I'd rather the campaign also include Mila Kunis, and that we all watch a Kunis/Portman show at the Replay, but if it must be the Captain, I suppose it must be the Captain. I'll watch.

twisted tryster said...

Perhaps a three-way? Or maybe just a full-blown orgy?

(Should Replay get the Viagra concession?)