Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Boys and the Case of the Missing Mountain Lion

No, today's post is not another ill-advised attempt to write raunchy adolescent fiction (in the manner of our long-ago Harry Lupus werewolf series), but rather a sobering look at what's shaping up to become a legendary Larryville conspiracy theory.

On Sunday evening, police officers found the body of a large "wild cat" along Bob Billings Parkway, yet (mysteriously?) decided to leave the body till morning, at which point the carcass had (mysteriously?) disappeared when sanitation officers arrived to collect it. So was it a bobcat, as the naive believe, or was it one of the much-feared mountain lions long-rumored to roam the West Campus?

Chip: "Almost certainly a mountain lion, and quite possibly some sort of giant, genetically modified mountain lion escaped from the nearby animal research labs, whose body was secreted away to prevent panic among the citizens."

In the LJ-World talkbacks, Kookamooka is sure of at least one thing, which is that this kind of thing would NEVER happen in Missouri. We offer his remarks at length:

"In Missouri, when a mountain lion is found, they get pictures, the camera crews are out there filming, they take the animal to a location to be identified. They get information like, size, sex, age. They report it. The conservation department gets involved. Experts and spokesmen give their opinions. The data is important and significant and people want to know.

In Lawrence, KS (just down the hill from a slew of animal research laboratories) they just leave it in the median for the sanitation workers to pick up and....it "runs away". This city needs to do some investigating.

AND!!!! because a LJworld reporter was "At the scene of the crime" and didn't get a picture, there might be some sort of cover-up involved. I can't believe a KU journalism school graduate would let such a great story run away right out from under his nose.

Come on LJworld! This stuff sells papers. But..they aren't really that interested in selling papers anymore. Can the KC Star please start a Lawrence bureau? Did they sign a non-compete agreement? We need real news."

Well, obviously there's a bigger "wildcat" story to report on today, Kookamooka, and that's K-State's Valentine's Day Massacre of top-ranked KU. The LJ-World reports that "Self was able to keep his sense of humor" after what the coach himself described as a "beatdown."

Chip: "There's nothing funny about losing to K-State, Coach. I've had boners that lasted longer than KU held the #1 spot yesterday."


Cappy said...

Ok, you've uncovered my secret plan. I stole that wildcat, chopped it up limb by limb and mailed it to Coach Frank Martin in a presumptuous endeavor meant to do little more than gloat over our first victory as #1 overall basketball team. Unfortunately, the LC detectives weren't the ones to spoil my surprise and now Coach Martin is going to receive a rather misplaced box of bones and gristle.

The Secret Life of Coach Martin said...

My pre-game ritual is to hunt down feral cats and eat them raw before each game. This is why I display such an unpleasant disposition on the sideline.

It's really just a hipster performance art of the highest degree. Indigestion is my muse.