Friday, February 13, 2009

More Squirrel Controversy! / Plus, Larryville Gets a Piano Bar / Also, Valentine's Picks for Hipsters and Sorostitutes!

Predictably, local "progressives" are far more concerned about the recent squirrel massacre in Tonganoxie than they are by the dog sodomy case in our own backyard. Perhaps they believe that the man/dog sex was consensual? Or that the language barrier simply led the Turkish grad student to misunderstamd the term "doggy style" In yesterday's editorial pages, an Adonia David draws upon the words of Ghandi to express his (or her?) dismay at the squirrel hunt:

"As Ghandi said, 'The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.' The people who participated in this bit of cruelty in Tonganoxie on Saturday made us all poorer in spirit."

Chip: "I wish we could get beyond this and focus on something even more distressing, something that profoundly affects us all: the possible elimination of Stop Day."

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Last Call, former home to weekly gunplay, will soon reopen under new ownership as The Barrel House, a dueling piano bar, a recent trend gaining popularity nationwide among young and unhip white people. Will it work in Larryville? The owners insist that it will fit right into the local music scene and are currently hiring a stable of local piano players for the establishment.

Richard: "Unless the piano players know a lot of Pavement, this shit won't lure a single hipster away from the Taproom."

Chip: "Doomed to fail. Our local musicians aren't responsible enough to show up on time and do their duties for this kind of operation."

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Larryville offers something for everyone on Valentine's Day. Tonight is an event perfect for sensitive hipsters: a midnight screening of Say Anything at Liberty Hall.

Richard: "Any reasonably sensitive young male hipster of a certain age can get himself laid by any reasonably attractive hipster chick of a certain age simply by a reasonably close recitation of the following speech from Lloyd Dobler:

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

Chip: "The old boombox serenade sometimes works too. At other times, it leads to restraining orders.

If you're a frat boy or a sorostitute, you'll likely find yourselves at Abe and Jake's Valentine's Party tomorrow night, which is slated to include special appearances by former basketball heroes Brandon "I never brought my book to Richard's class" Rush and Mario "Super Nintendo" Chalmers. While Chalmers' now-legendary 3-point shot in last year's championship victory may not have necessarily translated into immediate NBA glory, it has won him everlasting respect in Larryville. All he has to do is walk into Abe and Jake's and point at the sorostitute of his choice to have her sink to her knees and do his bidding.

See you on the town, readers.

2 comments:

Ione Skye said...

So much for Cusack's star status. The only thing this f*cking movie did for me was an uncredited role in "But I'm A Cheerleader" (no really, IMDB it).

lloyd dobler said...

"Hey my brother, can I borrow a copy of your "Hey Soul Classics"?