Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Local Budget Cut Update! / Plus, the Boys Consider Chick-Flicks, Valentine's Poems, and Werewolves!

An overflow crowd at last night's meeting quickly led the city fathers to scrap the idea of major budget cuts for the Prairie Park Nature PReserve.

Chip: "This was to be expected. Local 'progressives' would rather see every school in town close before euthanizing a single fucking bird."

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The Pitch weighs in today with an early review of He's Just Not That Into You:

"If all you ask for is a few gay jokes, a perky score, pretty shots of Baltimore, and some clever but callow observations of sexual mores in the city, He's Just Not That Into You is an amiable-enough night out."

Richard: "I'm pretty sure this is exactly what most people ask for in a romantic comedy (aside from maybe the Baltimore stuff), and I predict this will outgross Paul Blart: Mall Cop this weekend."

Chip: "It sounds great, but I wonder if its premise will lead women to believe that their significant others are not 'all that into them' and result in numerous fights on the way home? Or whether it will lead to important discussions of sexual issues that result in several intense bouts of post-film sex. I'm hoping for the latter. In fact, I'm counting on it."

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The boys love Valentine's Day, and this year they are taking a cue from former Poet Laureate Ted Kooser, who for fourteen years running sent a special Valentine's poem to all the important women in his life (plus a lot of random women who signed a mailing list, eventually numbering up to 2700).

Let's look at one of Kooser's Valentine's poems:


The Hog-Nosed Snake

The hog-nosed snake, when playing dead,
Lets its tongue loll out of its ugly head.

It lies on its back as stiff as a stick;
If you flip it over it'll flip back quick.

If I seem dead when you awake,
Just flip me once, like the hog-nosed snake.


Chip: "Is this romantic? Is the snake an elaborate erection metaphor? I suppose so. But rest assured, ladies, that the poems I am sending will not rely on such poetic subtleties. They are all quite clearly about boners."

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As Richard has predicted, werewolves are about to enter the cultural spotlight in a major way, making the time perfect for his own series of angsty teenage werewolf novels. The new Twilight film will focus more on its werewolves characters; a new Wolf Man film starring Benicio del Toro will soon appear (and gross more in one afternoon than his 4 and a half hour Che will gross in its entire run); and even Fox has greenlighted an all-female werewolf show called "Bitches." (Chipnote: "See, bitches is a name for female dogs. This shit is wicked clever."

Richard, hard at work, has now added a third sentence to his werewolf opus:

"As the full moon rose outside his bedroom window, Harry Lupus woke up with a very furry boner. He began to howl. Somewhere in the night, a lonely she-wolf was waiting for him, and he set off at a lope to find that bitch."

4 comments:

cl.thier said...

Baltimore? How did they decide on Baltimore? Strange. Well, at least they can use the classic Tompall Glaser tune, "Streets of Baltimore" in the film...

"Well I did my best
to bring her back
to what she used to be
Then I soon learned
she loved those bright lights
more than she loved me
Now I'm-a-going back
on that same train
that brought me here before
While my baby walks the streets of Baltimore
While my baby walks the streets of Baltimore"

They do use that song, right? RIGHT??

tompall glaser said...

I suspect not, unless the song has recently been covered by someone young and hip. Death Cab, maybe?

cl.thier said...

"Young and hip"??? How about Gram Parsons!* He does a pretty well-known version of the tune.



*Technically, at one point in his career, he was both "young" and "hip". Now he's just dead and hip. But hip nonetheless, even if the knobby-kneed boys in skinny jeans, sporting the bad hair and Converse low-tops that were lame when I was in 5th grade and remain that way to this day can't figure it out. If Emmylou says "hip," I say, "Amen."

flying burrito N.ggle said...

Oh, fully agreed, my friend.

But my guess is you could take an exit poll at that film and not find a single person who knows Gram Parsons (except for maybe a few cool dudes who tagged along hoping to get laid but would secretly rather be at the TapRoom listening to the jukebox).