So we must turn to the NY-Times when we get a craving for pompous food writing.
Today we offer these excerpts from a recent review of a SoHo restaurant called The Dutch:
"As for beer-braised tripe served beneath a scattering of Fritos, with lime and avocado, Mr. Carmellini calls it barrio food. But the dish tastes of the secret New York you get to experience only after a lifetime of loving it. It is the culinary equivalent of Jay-Z playing cards in the kitchen of Rao’s with Harvey Keitel in the video for “Death of Autotune.” (Hova looks at his cards: “Oh, wow. Wow!”)."
Richard: "We like Keitel as much as the next film fan, but we don't like to think of him while we're eating, since so many cinematic images of a naked, hairy Keitel are etched into our memories."
"Now try umami-rich, miso-bathed asparagus with big hunks of bacon and a poached egg and think how good a word “unctuous” is when you are eating it."
Chip: "This is meant as praise, I think, but having looked up various definitions of 'unctuous' just now, I'm more than a little confused."
And here are a few bits of local food criticism we wrote ourselves:
"As we tucked into our plate of fried rabbit legs at 715, crisp and delightfully hare-y, we thought of Thumper, that adorable scampering forest critter from Disney's Bambi. We never used to dream of eating him when we watched the film. But these days we can dream of nothing else."
"The Burger Stand's 'Samurai Burger,' with shitake mushrooms and wasabi goat cheese cream, will not lead you to commit hari-kari, but it will make you want to join an army of assassins on a mission to destroy Larryville's lesser burger joints."
And Chip's take on Pachamama's "Goddard Farm Goat Cheese and Squash Stuffed Pendleton’s Tomato $25."
Chip: "If I pay $25 for a tomato, it better be (a) full of gold or (b) as big as a fucking pumpkin."
Here's the Pachamama's stuffed tomato:
This new Missed Connection comes to us from Miracle Video.
"You've helped me out at miracle video a couple of times..., some of those times I was renting porn..., but more often than not I was checking out mainstream videos.
I am an older gent and you are a very sexy brunette with glasses that I actually do not see working there too much..., maybe mostly in the daytime is when you're there I guess?.
Dude, why not just strike up a conversation with her when checking out Hot Young Asses Vol. 11. It's an instant conversation starter!
And tonight's the night for our showcase event of the week: Astrokitty's Level Grind at the Granada. Grind the night away to the "video game-inspired mixes and mash-ups" of DJ c0ldfish and the "slant rhymes" (L.com) of New Suede while discussing geeky things (surely we can all agree that the final shot of titties and dragons on Season One of Game of Thrones was pretty sweet!).
Chip: "I'm going to ask New Suede if their slant rhymes are heavily influenced by Emily Dickinson."