Friday, July 25, 2008

The Chronicles Gets a New Cast Member! / Plus, the Boys Consider Their Favorite Larryville Drinks and Drink Specials!

Readers, as you know, we live in an age of constant surveillance where it's safe to assume the President listens to most of our phone calls and the government continually monitors our library usage [Richard has apparently had Joy of Sex checked out since 1989 and is currently incurring overdue charges on The Kama Sutra for Dummies]. In such an environment, how can we blame a young country squire like Kip for becoming a bit concerned that future employers may be less than pleased with his on-line antics? (even though Richard personally defies any of you to access this blog through a normal Google search). At any rate, Kip is leaving the blog today and being replaced henceforth as "Chip," who is expected to share many of the same views, such as an abiding hatred for hippies and the Replay Lounge, a distrust of art, and a passion for sweet young coeds. The Chronicles apologize for any confusion this may cause, but trusts that our readers will continue to enjoy their visits here as Richard and his new friend "Chip Smiley" continue to cut a swath through local bars and chase the finest Larryville pussy around town [Richard, by the way, will continue to be known as Richard, or perhaps Rick, if he's feeling especially sexy, and occasionally by his "pimp name": Sugar Dick].


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Readers often wonder if the boys drink the same thing in every bar, or if certain bars demand certain drinks? And do the boys have favorite drink specials about town? Here are some answers.

Chip: "The best beer in town is the Cyclist at Free State. If you kind of want a beer and you kind of want a lemonade, this is where the action's at. It comes in a girly long-stemmed glass that would normally embarrass me, but it's so fucking good I don't even care to look a little feminine while I drink it."

Richard: "Here's an interesting fact that most people are scared to admit: the microbrews out at 23rd Street Brewery are good. Those are fighting words to Free State fans, even among the normally non-violent hippies that never leave the Free State patio."

Chip: "The 2-for-1 martini special on Thursday's at the Eldridge has created its own scene here in town. Richard and I often slip in, order a domestic beer, and watch the local sophisticated ladies in their cocktail dresses as if we're observing animals in a zoo...very sexy animals!"

Richard: "It's not cool to like the Sandbar but having a Modelo Especial in a can is a nice summer treat (or it was, until they discontinued Modelo in favor of that stupid Parrothead swill called Land Shark). The frozen drinks here are fun too, especially the 'shark bite,' which is bright blue but turns blood red when you empty the shot of Grenadine out of the little plastic shark. It's as much fun to play with as it is to get shitfaced on."

Chip: "I like the fruity drinks with the little umbrellas. But at the same time I'm not above drinking a PBR at the Replay now and then. Sure, it tastes like warm urine, but it's cheap."

Richard: "PBR has become an important way for hipsters to bond. Ordering a PBR at the Replay says 'Yes, I may know every band who's recorded on the Kill Rock Stars label but I'm really just like you, I enjoy domestic beer and backyard barbecues and hope to one day settle down with a nice girl, so long as she owns the right records."

Chip: "Quinton's doesn't have great specials anymore, but at the same time every drink I drink there is special to me."

5 comments:

Dr. C said...

I suppose it's inevitable that a series as long-running as this one should go through some cast changes.

Dr. C said...

Do you guys expect to add a monkey or other animal mascot to the series soon?

monkeys are always funny! said...

If we could afford it, Chip would definitely have a monkey sidekick! (remember the brilliance of the "Marcel season" on Friends...it would surely rejuvenate our series as well!).

Anonymous said...

I tried several google searches just now. You're right. You guys are pretty well hidden in the interweb. Chip has nothing to worry about.

--beth

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

Has the Chronicles jumped the shark? I did - it's more fun than cultural critics would lead you to believe.